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BV  2623  .D38  A3  1869 
Davis,  Jonas  Abraham. 
Judaism  excelled 


JUDAISM  EXCELLED: 


»U  tuf  )x  (^otiViX^Un 


FROM 


JUDAISM  TO  CHRISTIANITY 


BEING    THE 


AUTO-BIOGRAPHY 


OF  / 

V 


JONAS    ABRAHAM    DAVIS. 


"  God  having  provided  some  better  thing  for  us. 

The  law   has   become   our  school-master  to  bring  us  unto  Christ. 

I  obtained   mercy  because  I  did  it  ignorantly  in  unbelief." 

— r/ie  Leading  Convert  from  Hebrew  Traditionalism 


SECOND   EDITION— Revised  and  Rewritten. 

PHILADELPHIA : 

PRINTED  FOR  THE  AUTHOR  BY  J    A.  WAGENSELLER 

No.  23   North  Sixth  Street,  above  Market. 

1869. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1869, 

Bx  JONAS  ABRAHAM  DAVIS, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the 
Western  District  of  Pennsylvania. 


To  ALi.  Israelites  indeed, 
Those  who  welcome  the  "  consolation  of  Israel ; " 

To  all  TRUE  Christians, 
Distributed  among  divers  denominations, 
Yet  alike  animated  by  the  apostolic  spirit 
Which  breathes  its  "  hearty  desire  and  prayer  to  God 

That  Israel  may  be  saved ; " 
To  the  innumerable  company  of  eager  ears 
That  have  listened  with  manifest  interest, 
Shown  in  abundant  smiles  and  tears, 
Whenever  from  time  to  time  I  have  felt  free 
To  "  declare  what  God  hath  done  for  my  soul :  " 

And  with  these. 
To  the  large  number  of  personal  friends. 
Whose  kindly  whispers  have  conspired 
To  urge  the  writing  of  a  history 
That  pleased  them  in  the  relating; 
To  my  FELLOW-LABORER  in  Christ, 

The  Rev.  J.  H.  Appleton, 
Whose  warm  interest  in  behalf  of  my  dear  nationality 
Vies  with  his  esteem  and  assistance  in  favor  of  myself; 

And  to  ALL  WHO  PRAY 

That  Messiah  may  be  crowned  "Lord  of  All," 
I    AFFECTIONATELY    DEDICATE 

This  Second  Edition  of  my  Auto-Biography. 


CONTENTS. 

Chapter. 

I.  Abrahamic  Descent, 

Page. 

21 

n. 

Early  Afflictions,     - 

-    23 

m. 

School  Experiences, 

29 

lY. 

A  Growth  of  Prejudices, 

-    36 

V. 

Death's  Second  Knocking, 

44 

YI. 

Pork  and  Hypocrisy, 

-    50 

vn. 

Altered  Programme, 

58 

\  1 1  r. 

Ho!  FOR  Phylacteries, 

-    67 

IX. 

Progress  Backward, 

82 

X. 

Off  the  Track, 

-    95 

XI. 

Love's  Episode,       -        -        - 

-      107 

Xil. 

The  Trapper  Trapped, 

.  110 

Xiii. 

Struggling  to  Get  Free, 

-      124 

XiV. 

The  Battle  Eaging,  - 

-  140 

XV. 

Messiah's  Victory, 

-      163 

XVI. 

Captive  Exile  Loosed, 

-  168 

xvn. 

The  JSTews  Proclaimed,    - 

-      178 

VI  CONTENTS. 

Chapter.  Page. 

XYin.  Light  out  of  Darkness,       -        -      183 

XIX.  In  the  Furnace,       -        -        -        -  196 

XX.  The  Eelease,        .        .        -        -      210 

XXI.  God  will  Provide,  -        -        -        -  219 

XXn.  Messiah  Symbolically  Wedded,  -      227 

XXni  Set  Adrift, 233 

XXIV.  England,  Farewell,     -        -        -      240 

XXY.  On  the  Ocean,         -        -        -        -  247 

XXYI.  Self-selected  Home,     -        -        -      254 

XXVn.  Way  Notes, 260 

XXVIII.  Thomas,  and  I,  -  -  -  -  274 
Poetical  Prophet,  .  -  -  -  279 
Appendix, 281 


ITEM  OF  correspo:n'deitce. 


Eev.  J.  A.  Davis: 

Dear  Brother, — 

How  well  do  w^e  remember  when 
you,  as  a  stranger  apparently  uncouth,  first  came  to 
our  house.  It  was  in  that  eventful  Spring  of  1868. 
Your  excellent  credentials — then  our  only  security 
— laid  a  recognized  claim  on  the  fruits  of  the  season 
found  with  us.  But  how  did  you,  albeit  uncon- 
sciously, ingratiate  yourself  in  our  affections,  while 
yet  declining  the  hospitalities  that  so  fitly  offered 
themselves  for  your  continued  use !  And  as  if  in 
consistency,  how  have  you  since  hastened  to  matu- 
rity, yet  so  slightly  gratified,  a  friendship  that  feeds 
upon  our  hearts  as  though  it  would  devour  them 
quite  to  fatten  our  friend. 

Your  book  in  its  flowing  manuscript  dress,  though 
it  came  seeking  scrutiny,  proved  an  acceptable  proxy. 
It  is  so  like  yourself — ^permit  the  acknowledgment — 
so  simple  and  straightforward.  Enlivened  through- 
out by  its  author's  peculiar  humor,  it  is  sometimes 
most  refreshing  in  style,  yet  never  exhibits  the  slight- 
est straining  for  effect.  That  artlessness,  with  which 
we  should  expect  a  sire  to  roll  out  the  story  of  his 


VIU  ITEM   OF   CORRESPONDENCE. 

life,  is  the  reigning  spirit  here.  We  can  thoroughly 
trust  the  record,  while  pleased  with  its  meandering. 
Certainly  a  somewhat  tragic  impressiveness  is 
imparted  to  the  pages  by  the  insight  they  give  to 
the  radical  revolution  which  thoroughly  transforms 
the  total  being  of  a  Jew  to  the  full  stature  of  a  Chris- 
tian. How  strange  that  such  throes  attend  a  transi- 
tion designed  from  the  beginning  and  demanded  as 
the  necessary  and  only  complement  of  the  infantile 
dispensation — a  transition  possible  too  in  the  easiest 
and  smoothest  manner,  if  the  Judaism  in  question 
be  but  genuine  and  rightly  understood.  "Why  then 
a  catastrophe,  as  prehminary  to  the  change  ?  Every 
leaf  of  the  narrative  gives  instant,  vivid  answer.  Ac- 
cordingly the  sympathetic  tenderness  which  moves 
the  heart  at  mention  of  Judaism,  melting  into  a 
fellowship  of  sorrow  on  witnessing  unwonted  if  not 
untimely  physical  sufferings,  at  length  bursts  forth 
in  the  burning  tears  of  an  outraged  sense  of  justice 
and  anon  sinks  down  into  ever-wakeful  emotions  of 
unutterable  pity :  for  the  ensuing  anti- Christian  per- 
secution we  behold,  as  a  dismal  proof  of  the  utterly 
intolerant  character  of  an  emasculated  Judaism.  On 
the  other  side,  the  bolt  once  hurled,  with  what  clear- 
ness and  brilliancy  appear  as  in  an  instant  and  shine 
forevermore  the  omnipotent  energy  and  pervasive 
consolation  of  Christianity,  that  divine  emanation 
which  ever  breathes  in  perfect  unison  a  "woman 
behold  thy  son"  with  a  "Father  forgive  them." 
iN'ow,  by  these  opposite  influences,  there  is  produced 
in  the  reader's  mind  a  balance  of  feeling  between 
pleasure  and  sadness ;  and  this  it  is  that  gives,  to  a 


ITEM   OF   CORRESPONDENCE.  IX 

narrative  which  can  sustain  it,  the  charm  of  romance, 
without  sacrificing  in  the  least,  but  rather  making 
penetrative  the  wholesome  instructiveness  of  tan- 
gible truth. 

That  the  ideal  of  such  a  work  has  not  here  been 
perfectly  realized,  gives  (I  think)  credit  directly  to 
its  candor  and  naturalness.  Of  incidental  flaws  I 
shall  make  no  note,  for  of  these  you  must  be  pecu- 
liarly sensible,  being  a  sensible  man.  But  I  will 
admit,  in  anticipation  of  common  consent,  that  there 
are,  in  your  sometimes  almost  rustic  depositions, 
many  quickening  passages  which  will  interest  to 
improve,  and  will  especially  awaken,  it  is  hoped,  a 
too  dormant  concern  in  behalf,  not  indeed  of  an  an- 
cestral religionism,  yet  of  those  infatuated  by  the 
anomaly  of  a  fungus  tenaciously  adhering  to  the 
dead  trunk  of  a  once  vigorous  Judaism — a  Judaism 
which,  as  pure,  became  when  fulfilled  nothing  less 
than  our  expansive  Christianity. 

1^0  heir  under  the  ^ew  Testament  is  ignorant  of 
his  ultimate  indebtedness  to  ancient  Judaism.  'No 
Christian,  having  assumed  this  debt,  can  be  indifier- 
ent  to  the  religious  movements  and  spiritual  destiny 
of  "  Israel  after  the  flesh."  No  mourner  who  earths 
over  most  precious  clay  of,  alas,  even  impenitent  dead, 
can  yet  feel  such  bitterness  as  he  who,  in  giving  se- 
pulture, is  pierced  as  by  dagger  point  with  the  excru- 
ciating reflection,  that  the  fatal  rejection  of  Messiah  is 
made  icell  nigh  inevitable  hy  a  literal  extinction  of  mental 
vision  in  the  Jewish  child.  Every  youth  therefore 
who  has  so  much  as  a  connection  with  Christian 
educators,  will  heartily  thank  God  for  this  distinc- 


X  ITEM   OF  CORRESPONDENCE. 

tion,  and  tlien  (we  trust)  bending  with  unfeigned 
pity  over  too  clearly  and  sadly  marked  "  olive  branch- 
es/' will  do  at  least  in  prayer,  what  can  be  done  thus 
if  in  no  other  way,  for  the  dehverance  of  Israel  from 
their  worse  than  Arctic  darkness. 

God  speed  the  day,  when  the  branded,  fugitive 
nation  will  receive  the  blood  that  speaketh  better 
things  than  that  of  Abel,  and  antitypical  Cain  spring 
with  incredible  relief  to  recognize  his  renovated  and 
messianic  archetype  in  him,  who  is  resembled  by  one 
more  child  of  Abraham  in  the  change  which  enabled 
him  to  say  what  the  dialect  of  Targums  is  pecuharly 
strong  in  expressing — Be  ye  patterned  by  me  pre- 
cisely as  I  also  indeed  am  by  Messiah.  And  may 
yom'  sincere  effort  subserve  this  desiderated  result. 
Yours  and  Israel's, 

By  the  Holy  Proselytism  of  Faith, 

J.  H.  A. 

New  Yobk  Citt,  May  21st,  1869. 


PEEFACE. 


In  presenting  for  your  perusal  a  Mstory  of  my 
youtli  and  conversion  from  Judaism  to  Christianity, 
I  expect  to  say  but  little  witli  reference  to  tlie  customs 
of  my  dear  brethren,  the  Jews.  Books  are  multiplied 
all  over  the  world  that  impart  the  necessary  informa- 
tion upon  this  subject.  "What  little  I  may  write  will 
be  directly  or  indirectly  connected  with  my  personal 
history. 

The  probabihty  is  in  favor  of  this  little  book  be- 
coming a  favorite  of  children  both  at  home  and  in 
the  precious  Sabbath-school;  consequently  I  have 
endeavored  to  simplify  all  my  ideas  to  suit  the  capa- 
city of  the  rising  generation.  I  am  aware  however, 
that  in  this  I  am  subjecting  myself  to  wholesale 
criticism.  Still,  although  I  make  no  pretension  to 
accuracy  of  style,  much  less  to  perfection,  I  venture 
to  offer  these  humble  pages  to  the  intelligent  reader 
also,  believing  that  he  will  be  sure  to  appreciate  the 
motive  at  least  that  prompts  me  to  obtrude  myself 
upon  his  notice. 


XU  PREFACE. 

I  am  not  ignorant  of  tlie  fact  tliat  skeptics,  garbed 
in  both  moral  and  religious  babiliments,  will  be  very 
apt  to  doubt  the  reality  of  some  facts  here  related, 
particularly  those  having  reference  to  the  providen- 
tial guidings  of  my  Heavenly  Father,  and  his  singu- 
lar care  over  me.  Yet  I  know  at  the  same  time, 
that  there  are  persons  who  love  to  doubt,  and  there- 
fore will  doubt,  whatever  the  argument  before  them. 
Having  learned  to  respect  the  common  prejudices 
of  the  mass,  I  am  not  disposed  to  blame  any  one  for 
professing  to  be  ignorant  of  these  things ;  but  surely 
they  are  to  blame  who,  being  confessedly  ignorant, 
themselves  presume  to  judge  the  more  enhghtened. 
How  true  is  that  word  of  Eevelation  which  declares 
that  "  The  natural  man  receiveth  not  the  things  of 
the  Spirit  of  God,  for  they  are  foolishness  unto  him ; 
neither  can  he  loiow  them,  because  they  are  spirit- 
ually discerned :  but  he  that  is  spiiitual  judgeth  all 
things,  yet  he  himself  is  judged  of  no  man."  1  Cor. 
ii:  14.  Pray  with  me  then,  dear  reader,  that  this 
feeble  effort  may  prove  effectual  in  the  hand  of  the 
Lord,  shaking  however  slightly  the  kingdom  of 
Satan,  to  the  glory  of  God  in  Jesus  Christ. 

Perhaps  you  may  be  led  to  inquire  what  special 
object  I  have  in  writing  these  lines.  I  will  try  to 
satisfy  you  in  few  words.  Having  been  a  minister 
of  the  Gospel  of  Christ,  for  thirty  years  past,  and 


PREFACE.  Xlll 

knowing  that  I  am  growing  old,  can  I  do  anytliing 
better,  at  this  time  of  life,  than  to  take  up  the  Chris- 
tian's watch-word,  "The  Jew,  The  Jew?"  All 
Christendom  is  inquiring,  "  What  is  to  become  of 
the  Jew?"  Few  indeed  are  the  prayers  that  are 
offered  for  Israel's  conversion  to  Christianity ;  while 
by  far  the  more  numerous  petitions  are  sent  up  for 
their  restoration  to  Jerusalem  without  any  reference 
to  their  moral  condition.  Yet  we  do  find  an  occa- 
sional Israelite  who  embraces  the  rehgion  of  the 
blessed  Saviour  and  manifests  a  desire  to  take  up 
his  cross,  and  who  naturally  enough,  becomes  at  once 
impatient  to  give  pubhc  testimony  in  favor  of  this 
religion,  which  above  all  others  he  once  most  invet- 
erately  hated.  Rarely  however  does  the  conversion 
of  a  Jew  occur,  without  a  consequent  tale  to  be  told 
of  afflictions  endured  for  the  exercise  of  a  free  con- 
science. The  natural  result  of  suffering  for  Christ's 
sake  is  an  experience  of  proportionate  joy  that  buoys 
up  his  heart  and  overbalances  his  sorrows.  And  well 
does  the  Gentile  Christian  love  to  hear  him  tell  of  his 
pecuhar  joys  and  sorrows,  losses  and  privations,  and 
the  not  joyless  tears  called  forth  by  persecutions, 
sacrifices  and  general  anxieties  that  he  has  experi- 
enced for  the  cause  of  the  precious  Saviour.  lie 
must  speak.  He  must  extol  the  Name,  that  most 
glorious  of  all  names  which  but  a  short  time  past  he 


XIV  PREFACE. 

hated  above  all  others.  Thus  the  church  of  Christ 
feeds  upon  his  discourse,  as  he  talks  about  the  Chris- 
tian's warfare,  from  actual  and  vivid  experience. 
The  weak  in  faith  gain  strength,  and  the  followers 
of  Jesus  universally  thank  God,  and  take  courage. 
They  see  in  the  conversion  of  every  such  Jew,  re- 
newed, hving  evidence  in  favor  of  that  religion  upon 
which  they  are  reposing  all  hope  for  salvation. 

As  inquisitiveness  is  an  instinctive  law  of  the  hu- 
man mind,  no  sooner  is  it  known  in  any  locality  that 
a  converted  Jew  is  to  preach  "  the  unsearchable  riches 
of  Christ,"  than  everybody  becomes  anxious  to  hear 
him,  and  hundreds  do  receive  his  testimony  who  oth- 
erwise would  not  hear  the  Gospel  at  all.  Thus  does 
the  Lord  Jehovah  take  "  a  worm  to  thresh  a  moun- 
tain," and  so  he  makes  "  the  wrath  of  man  to  praise 
him." 

"No  wonder  then  that  the  Gentile  Christian  church 
feels  encouraged,  when  she  hears  or  reads  the  Jew's 
testimony  in  favor  of  the  rehgion  of  the  Messiah 
Jesus.  Full  well  does  she  know  with  what  impla- 
cable hatred  the  rigid  Jew  denounces  the  glorious 
Messiah — Jesus  truly,  though  he  was  of  I^azareth, 
aye  because  he  had  this  very  origin.  Tenderly 
therefore  does  the  church  pity  the  scoffer,  and  deep 
down  in  her  heart  she  evermore  prays  for  the 
"  Lopped  off  branch,"  knowing  that,  in  the  acqui- 


PREFACE.  XV 

sition  of  each  converted  Jew,  there  is  at  the  same 
time  an  additional,  ten-fold  evidence  in  favor  of 
Christianity.  It  uniformly  rejoices  the  hearts  of  the 
childi^en  of  God  to  see  numbers  flocking  around  the 
"  Blood-stained  banner  of  Immanuel,"  but  when  the 
"mighty  fall"  and  the  enemy's  ranks  are  thinned, 
they  still  more  rejoice  at  the  prospect  of  enlarging 
the  boundaries  of  the  conqueror's  kingdom. 

It  was  on  a  Tuesday  evening,  January  the  7th, 
A.  D.  1834,  that  I  received  the  holy  ordinance  of 
Christian  Baptism  upon  the  profession  of  my  faith 
in  Jesus  Christ  for  eternal  life.  So  that  at  the  pre- 
sent writing  ([N'ovember,  1868,)  it  is  nearly  thirty-four 
years  since  I  "  put  on  Christ."  During  this  entire 
period  I  have  never  ceased  to  declare  and  proclaim 
to  a  perishing  world  "the  unsearchable  riches  of 
Christ.!' 

In  a  short  time  after  my  baptism,  I  was  constrained, 
by  stress  of  all  my  surroundings,  to  leave  my  native 
country  and  find  a  new  home  where  I  could  worship 
my  God  with  a  free  and  unshackled  conscience.  My 
steps  were  directed  to  the  United  States  of  America. 
Here  I  have  remained,  preaching  the  Gospel  of  Christ. 
Wherever  I  have  been  in  this  nation,  I  have  found 
different  denominations  of  Christians  to  be  of  one 
mind  relative  to  my  conversion.  All  such  want  to 
know,  and  at  once  inquire,  by  what  means  I  was  led 


XVI  PREFACE. 

to  espouse  the  cause  of  the  once  hated,  but  now  glo- 
rified Jesus.  And  when  I  have  told  them  "  what 
God  has  done  for  my  soul,"  I  have  invariably  been 
beset  on  every  hand  for  a  printed  copy  of  my  history. 
Many  years  ago,  I  gratified  some  by  publishing  one 
thousand  small  books;  since  then  I  have  shi^unk 
from  complying  with  the  growing  number  of  similar 
requests,  until  now  I  have  arrived  at  a  stage  of  life 
when  all  the  attending  circumstances  demand  that, 
if  I  would  leave  this  witness  for  Christ,  I  should, 
while  I  am  in  the  vigor  of  my  mind,  record  the 
same.  I  have  resolved  therefore  to  publish  more 
fully  my  Auto-Biography,  thus  still  "  Preaching  the 
kingdom  of  God  and  teaching  those  things  which 
concern  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ  with  all  confidence, 
no  man  forbidding." 

I  ask  therefore  of  the  reader  charily  for  my  imper- 
fections, and  of  my  God  that  he  will  cause  this  httle 
book  to  redound  to  His  own  glory. 


To  my  Jewish  Kinsmen : 

Dear  Brethren, — ^AU  my  sympathies  are  with 
you.  I  take  the  hberty  therefore  of  addressing  you 
separately.  From  your  infancy  you  have  been  taugh+ 
to  expect  the  Messiah.     Times  and  seasons  come  and 


PREFACE.  XVll 

go;  still  you  live — still  are  expectant.  Habbinical 
data  have  frequently  held  you,  only  for  a  short  time 
however,  then  to  vanish  away  and  leave  you  still 
as  fondly  expectant.  And  notwithstanding  the  truth 
is  obvious  to  your  mind  that  the  long,  long  expected 
Messiah  of  your  fancy  has  not  yet  appeared,  you  live 
to-day  no  less  expectant.  What  strange  infatuation 
is  this,  my  brethren,  that  seems  to  buoy  you  up  so 
long  against  the  agony  of  suspense?  !N'early  two 
thousand  years  have  passed  since  the  true  Messiah 
dwelt  among  men,  and  you  are  still,  still  expectant. 
Why,  with  one  consent,  do  you  reject  Jesus  of  Nazar 
reth?  Simply  because  your  fathers  continued  to 
do  so. 

To  what  serious  delusions  have  you  consequently 
been  exposed,  at  various  periods  of  your  history? 
Some  of  your  pretended  Messiahs,  having  been  suSt 
tained  by  the  rabbis,  have  appealed  to  the  fortune  of 
war  to  assert  their  "  rights."  They  have  all  failed ! 
And  with  no  trifling  damage,  for  the  Eomans  will 
bear  me  witness  that  their  successive  failures  oc- 
curred at  the  cost  of  your  blood,  of  your  liberty,  of 
your  holy  fatherland. 

But,  I  am  not  writing  history  for  you.  I  desire  to 
ask  you,  brethren,  why  do  not  your  modern  rabbis 
lead  you  to  the  light  ?  Wliy  do  they  act  as  a  drown- 
ing man  who  grasps  at  straws  ?  Why  do  they  ex- 
2 


XVlll  PREFACE. 

punge  or  explain  away  prominent  prophecies  that 
have  any  reference  to  the  Messiah?  They  know 
that  they  cannot  deceive  you  much  longer.  Though 
another  "  Barchochab,  the  son  of  the  star,"  should 
again  attempt  to  give  the  lie  to  Jesus  of  ]!!^azareth, 
Jehovah  would  not  leave  you  without  an  "  Akiha" 
to  reply,  "  the  grass  will  spring  from  thy  jaw-hone, 
and  yet  the  *Son  of  David'  will  not  have  come." 
The  Almighty  will  never  permit  an  impostor  to 
prosper.  How  long  then  will  it  be,  O  Israel,  before 
your  long,  long  Expected  will  have  come?  Your 
rabbis  have  tried  every  expedient.  They  have  en- 
deavored to  reconcile  with  the  character  of  Messiah 
the  names  of  very  many  of  the  old  times  saints. 
They  tell  you,  at  length,  that  nobody  knows  any- 
thing about  it.  Still,  you  seek  for  hght.  Who  now 
shall  give  you  the  information  you  need  ?  Can  your 
rabbis  ?  'No :  they  who  should  be  your  leaders,  alas, 
are  very  blind, — "  they  err,  not  knowing  the  scrip- 
tures." Let  therefore  the  Prophets  themselves  speak 
to  you  the  word  of  the  living  God.  Then  see  if  either 
of  your  pretended  "  great  ones"  answer  to  the  char- 
acter of  "  Messiah." 

Dear  brethren,  I  beseech  you  to  be  candid.  Ac- 
knowledge your  utter  failure.  Have  you  not  had 
enough  of  rabbinical  interpretations  of  the  Targums, 
etc  ?    Then  why  not,  dear  brethren,  throw  off  your 


PREFACE.  XIX 

galling  yoke  ?  Jesus  Christ  it  is  who  is  the  true  and 
only  Messiah.  In  him  dwelt  the  fullness  of  the  God- 
head hodily.  He  is  the  Mediator  between  God  and 
man.  Eemember  also,  dear  brethren,  that  the  times 
of  this  ignorance,  God  winked  at,  but  now  com- 
mandeth  all  men  everywhere  to  repent,  because  he 
hath  appointed  a  day  in  the  which  he  will  judge  the 
world  in  righteousness  by  that  Man  whom  he  hath 
ordained,  whereof  he  hath  given  assurance  unto  aU 
men,  in  that  he  hath  raised  Him  from  the  dead. 

Receive  then,  dear  reader,  the  word  that  is  spoken 
for  your  good.  Believe  that  as  a  Christian  I  live  for 
your  good.  I  preach  Christ  for  your  good.  I  write 
these  hues  for  your  good,  your  eternal  good.  0,  do 
not  longer  harden  your  heart  against  Christianity. 
Do  not  longer  reject  the  counsel  of  God  against  your- 
self. Eemember,  I  pray  you,  that  "It  is  appointed" 
unto  man  once  to  die,  and  after  that  the  Judgment." 
Are  you  ready  ?  May  the  God  of  our  fathers,  of 
Abraham,  Isaac,  and  Jacob,  lead  you  to  the  light  aa 
it  is  in  Jesus  Christ.     Amen. 

Jonas  Abraham  Davis. 


AUTO-BIO  QK  APH  Y. 


CHAPTER   I. 

ABRAHAMIC    DESCENT. 

I  was  born  of  Jewish,  parents,  in  the  city  of  Lon- 
don, England.  This  was  also  the  land  of  my  father's 
nativity.  My  grandfather  on  father's  side  was  a 
German ;  and,  if  my  recollection  at  this  late  date  is 
correct,  I  would  say  that  my  great-grandfather  was 
a  Polander. 

Readers  as  a  general  rule  care  nothing  about  tra- 
cing the  pedigree  of  a  stranger.  l!Tor  would  I  here 
obtrude  my  ancestry  upon  your  notice,  but  for  two 
interesting  facts.  The  first  is  it  proves  that,  in  com- 
mon with  every  true  Jew,  I  have  "  Abraham  to  my 
father."  The  second  and  more  noticeable  consider- 
ation is  that  I  am  the  only  convert  to  Christianity 
ever  known  to  have  place  in  the  whole  line  of  this 
ancestry,  on  the  side  of  either  my  father  or  mother. 
As  a  further  proof  of  their  far  remove  from  the  reli- 
gion of  the  cross,  I  may  cite  the  case  of  my  great- 
grandfather, who  was  historied  as  a  very  remarkable 
man.  He  in  particular  was  a  very  rigid  Jew,  and 
consequently  an  inveterate  enemy  to  Christianity 


22  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

perhaps  rendered  more  so  by  tlie  fact  of  his  beiug  a 
rabbi,  learned  in  the  Targums,  etc.  He  Hved  to  be 
very  old,  dying  in  his  one  hundred  and  twelfth  year, 
greatly  lamented  by  his  people.  During  his  whole 
life,  he  had  neither  shears  on  his  head,  nor  razor  on 
his  beard.  His  death  however  was  sudden,  coming 
on  while  he  enjoyed  the  full  possession  of  health  and 
every  faculty.  So  did  he  appear  before  the  God  of 
Abraham,  the  Giver  of  a  greater  Son,  despised. 
"When  he  was  about  one  hundi-ed  years  old,  the  Jews 
of  London  determined  to  make  him  their  "  Raaf "  or 
chief  rabbi.  The  language  of  his  refusal  is  well  wor- 
thy of  note.  "  I  have  sins  enough  of  my  own  to  an- 
swer for,  without  taking  upon  myself  the  sins  of  my 
people."  He  died  hating  Jesus  of  IN'azareth;  and 
his  Christless  death  strengthened  the  mountain  of 
animosity  against  the  "  Lord's  anointed"  in  his  pos- 
terity. But,  glory  be  to  the  great  Jehovah,  who 
selected  me  from  among  them,  and  made  me  a  liv- 
ing monument  of  His  signal  grace  and  mercy — me, 
the  direct  offspring  of  this  anti- Christian  sire. 


CHAPTER  n. 

EARLY    AFFLICTIONS. 

Writing  about  myself  at  this  period  of  my  life,  I 
am  like  a  man  who  having  passed  safely  over  a  very 
dangerous  road  in  the  dark,  calmly  sits  down  in 
broad  day-light  to  contemplate  the  journey.  He 
goes  over  every  minutiae  with  equal  interest,  simply 
because  they  were  all  on  the  road  over  which  he  has 
passed  unharmed.  The  few  bruises  that  he  has  re- 
ceived by  no  means  disqualify  him  for  the  business 
of  the  day.  Yet  he  has  them,  acting  out  their  part 
in  his  moral  nature,  serving  him  as  faithful  memen- 
toes of  the  past,  and  at  the  same  time  admonishing 
him  to  exercise  more  caution  in  the  future.  How 
futile  would  be  the  effort  of  one  who  has  never  en- 
countered similar  dangers,  to  make  this  traveler 
believe  that  what  he  relates  of  his  journey  is  vision- 
ary, a  mere  whim.  He  would  simply  reply,  "  I  know 
it  to  be  so,  I  have  been  there ;  I'm  bruised,  and  I  feel 
grateful  that  I  am  not  injured  more."  How  com- 
pletely analogous  to  this  is  the  real  journey  of  a 
Christian.  I  find  it  to  be  true  in  my  own  case ;  and 
as  the  leadings  of  the  di\dne  hand  are  the  same  to- 
ward every  true  child  of  grace,  I  am  the  more  embol- 
dened in  my  endeavor  to  gather  together  the  mate- 
rials that  proved  to  be  of  such  incalculable  value  in 


24  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

moulding  my  mind  into  what  it  has  been  so  many- 
years  of  my  unworthy  hfe.  Many  are  the  hnks 
necessary  to  the  existence  of  one  chain.  Even  so, 
when  an  experienced  Christian  would  glorify  God 
by  a  narration  of  his  experience  in  the  journey  of 
life,  when  he  would  stand  up  boldly  before  the  fol- 
lowers of  Jesus,  and  call  to  them  as  David  did  in 
Psalm  Ixvi.  16 :  "  Come  and  hear  all  ye  that  fear 
God,  and  I  will  declare  what  He  hath  done  for  my 
soul," — then  can  he  look  at  the  smallest  event  of  his 
life,  and  find  in  it  something  that  makes  a  valuable 
contribution  to  his  narrative  of  gracious  facts.  Thus 
he  will  glorify  God  in  his  body  and  his  soul.  And 
this  is  what  I  now  intend  to  do. 

My  whole  life  has  been  attended  by  some  afilictive 
pro\ddence.  Inheriting  a  small  and  feeble  body  from 
my  mother,  I  must  have  been  but  poorly  prepared  to 
grapple  with  the  sad  adversities  which  commenced 
their  ravages  upon  me  at  or  about  my  fourth  year. 
Scarlet  fever,  the  common  enemy  of  childhood,  threa- 
tened to  cast  me  into  the  jaws  of  death.  To  my 
grave  will  I  carry  with  me  evidence  of  the  severity 
of  a  relapse.  The  existence  of  several  scars  suffice 
as  reminders  to  me,  yet  stand  not  alone,  the  suffer- 
ing they  indicate  not  being  enough  to  answer  the 
purpose  of  my  Heavenly  Father.  Wlien  at  length  I 
was  able  to  leave  my  bed,  it  was  discovered  that  I 
was  entirely  deaf.  Internal  ulcers  had  formed,  leav- 
ing me  down  to  this  time  with  unsound  ears  and 
very  little  power  of  hearing.  Continued  and  aggra- 
vating sicknesses  still  preyed  upon  my  feeble  frame, 
until  I  was  almost  past  recovery. 


EARLY  AFFLICTIONS.  25 

Wliile  tills  state  of  things  continued  with  me,  it 
was  agreed  on  all  hands,  that  a  dead  saint,  for  a  time 
of  affliction,  is  no  less  essential  than  a  little  medical 
science.  As  a  last  resort,  therefore,  I  must  be  car- 
ried to  the  synagogue,  that  I  might  have  the  blessing 
of  the  chief  rabbi  in  my  behalf.  The  name  of  some 
one  of  the  Old  Scripture  saints  must  be  conferred 
upon  me.  So  "Abraham"  was  added  to  my  name 
— which  certainly  benefitted  me,  nominally  at  least. 
Doubtless  I  was  very  innocent  when  my  "eighth" 
day  arrived,  that  day  for  the  administration  of  the 
rite  of  circumcision.  I  had  then  been  labelled  Jonas, 
or  Jonah,  that  is  to  say,  "a  dove."  ]^ow  they  are 
gi\TLng  a  middle  name,  Abraham,  to  be  translated 
"  father  of  many  nations."  These,  added  to  my  dear 
father's  name — ^Davis,  probably  Davids,  a  corruption 
of  David,  that  is  to  say,  "beloved" — afford  me  a 
chain  of  names  certainly  most  euphoniously  linked 
together:  Beloved  and  dove-like  father  of  many  na- 
tions. The  ceremony  is  ended ;  and  the  condition  of 
things  stands  something  like  this :  Father  foots  the 
bill ;  he  is  somewhat  poorer  for  that.  I  have  a  "  bless- 
ing" and  a  new  name.  I^one  the  richer  am  I  for 
this.  In  the  providence  of  God  I  regain  a  little 
health,  still  am  very  deaf.  So  Father  Abraham  is 
extolled  for  my  restored  health,  and  Doctor  Kisli  is 
blamed  for  the  continued  deafness. 

A  short  time  after  my  restoration  to  health,  I  met 
with  an  accident,  which  well  nigh  proved  fatal.  One 
day,  while  at  play  with  my  elder  brother,  I  fell,  break- 
ing both  my  arms.  This  accident  laid  me  low  again 
for  a  very  long  time.     But  out  of  this  also  the  Lord 


26  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

delivered  me,  and  for  a  few  montlis  my  afflicted 
childhood  moved  on  undisturbed  by  any  new  calam- 
ity. Little  did  I  dream,  however,  that  there  was  a 
sorrow  in  store  for  me  which  childhood  may  outlive, 
but  can  never,  never  feel  reconciled  to. 

The  health  of  my  precious  mother  failed.  I  did 
not  then  understand  what  it  meant.  But  when  I 
knew  that  mother  was  preparing  to  leave  home  for 
a  little  season,  I  began  to  comprehend  that  my  own 
mother  was  really,  seriously  sick.  And  soon  it 
pleased  my  Heavenly  Father  to  deprive  me  of  her. 
Well  do  I  remember  climbing  upon  that  lovely 
mother's  knee.  Yi^ddly  in  memory  re\T[ves  the  pale 
countenance  that  gazed  at  me  through  streaming 
tears ;  tangible  to  my  perception,  even  now,  is  that 
embrace  which  pressed  me  to  a  truly  maternal  bo- 
som ;  and  to  this  day  do  I  remember  her  last  hug, 
her  last  kiss,  and  that  last  piece  of  cake  which  she 
gave  me,  as  she  took  leave  of  us  all,  for  a  journey  to 
Manchester.  I  recall  to  my  mind's  eye  how  tardily 
she  stepped  toward  the  parlor  door,  at  which  she  had 
scarcely  arrived  when  she  turned  back  again  to  the 
window  where  I  was  sitting,  playing  with  my  piece 
of  cake.  All  that  can  be  called  mother^  flowed  from 
her  soul.  She  kissed  me  again  and  again.  "  Be  a 
good  boy,"  said  she, ''  mamma  will  soon  come  back." 
N'ot  so,  alas !  she  did  not  soon  come  back ;  I  saw  her 
no  more.  She  died  in  Manchester  about  three 
weeks  after  she  arrived  there.  Her  ruling  passion 
too  was  strong  in  death.  She  made  but  one  dying 
request  of  my  father.  "  Take  care  of  Jonas,"  was 
its   burden.      She   left  five   children,   I  being  the 


EARLY    AFFLICTIONS.  27 

youngest.  In  a  few  days,  my  heart-broken  father 
returned  without  my  dear  mother.*  It  was  only  then 
that  I  fairly  realized  that  mother,  my  mother  was 
dead,  actually  dead.  After  all,  now  it  was  that  I 
beo:an  to  understand  what  it  is  to  be  afflicted. 

This  providential  stroke  was  enough  for  me.  I 
was  now  without  my  mother  when  not  more  than 
six  or  seven  years  old  and  withal  exceedingly  puny. 
ITeav}^  stroke  !  But  alas,  that  she  died  in  the  Jewish 
faith,  rejecting  the  Messiah.  Still,  revered  be  her 
name  for  her  genuine  ^drtues.  K  my  holy  religion 
permitted  me  to  offer  to  Almighty  God  but  one 
prayer  during  the  whole  course  of  my  life-time,  for 
the  benefit  of  the  departed,  that  prayer  should  be,  God 
save  my  mother  doubly  dead,  yet  one  whose  memory 
ever  lives  as  that  of  mother. 

But  there  is  no  repentance  in  the  grave,  though 
after  it  the  pious  heart  twice  smitten  may  find  heal- 
ing. My  grandmother  now  took  charge  of  the  fam- 
ily, while  struggling  in  addition  against  the  infirmi- 
ties of  age. 

A  few  weeks  after  my  mother  was  buried,  I  met 
with  still  another  accident  which  nearly  cost  me  life. 
A  large  bathing  tub  in  the  cellar  kitchen  had  just 
been  in  use  by  one  of  the  family  who  left  it  standing 
nearly  full  of  water.  Walking  near  it,  I  saw  a  piece 
of  bread  floating  on  the  water.  My  venturesomeness 
at  once  prompted  me  to  try  obtain  it,  and  while  endea- 
voring to  do  so,  the  chair  on  which  I  stood,  no  longer 
backing  the  effort,  slipped  away  letting  me  down  into 
the  water.  And  thus  I  should  probably  have  been 
drowned  but  for  the  timely  help  of  my  infirm  grand- 


28  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

motlier,  who  fancying  tliat  she  heard  a  very  unusual 
noise  below,  came  tottering  down  as  speedily  as  she 
could  and  di-agged  me  out  half  dead.  In  the  mo- 
ment of  excitement,  she  tore  off  my  wet  clothes,  and 
this  being  cleverly  done,  she  raised  a  most  spanking 
breeze,  in  the  shape  of  a  sound  drubbing,  before  I 
had  sufficiently  recovered  to  know  whether  I  was 
dead  or  alive.  The  disciphne,  however,  seemed  an 
evidence  of  my  good  old  grandmother's  knowledge 
of  "  cause  and  effect."  But  whether  she  was  a  phi- 
losopher or  not,  one  thing  is  certain ;  the  process  she 
employed  had  two  marked  effects  upon  me,  the  first 
being  physical,  and  the  second  metaphysical,  so  mor- 
alizing its  subject  that  ever  since  that  notable  event, 
with  its  exclamation  marks,  I  have  hated  the  sight 
of  a  bathing  tub. — ^But  let  not  this  reflect  upon  a 
religion  that  magnified  ablutions. 

Thus  far  in  life,  God  was  my  Preserver,  and  I 
knew  it  not.  He  was  even  then  overruling  my  life  for 
future  use.  He  saved  me  from  the  plague.  He  deliv- 
ered me  from  danger.  He  cast  me  down,  and  raised 
me  up.  And  although  I  carry  with  me  the  mark  of 
his  afflictive  providence,  yet  I  can  sing,  in  spirit  and 
in  truth — 

"When  in  the  slippery  paths  of  yonlh, 
With  heedless  steps  I  ran, 
Thine  arm  unseen  conveyed  me  safe, 
A.nd  led  me  up  to  man." 


CHAPTER   m. 

SCHOOL    EXPERIENCES. 

Some  time  before  the  tears  for  the  loss  of  my 
mother  were  all  shed,  even  in  the  short  space  of 
about  ten  months,  my  father  married  again.  The 
Jewess  whom  he  brought  home,  was  a  lady  of  sur- 
passing beauty.  She  was  only  thirty  years  of  age, 
being  but  one  year  older  than  my  eldest  sister,  l^o 
longer  were  we  a  happy  family.  On  the  contrary,  a 
dark  veiling  was  now  visible  on  the  countenance  of 
every  member  of  the  family ;  misty  gloom  took  pos- 
session of  each  heart.  We  were  not  sad  because 
another  occupied  the  place  at  father's  side,  but  be- 
cause she  was  not  mother.  And  when  my  dear  old 
grandmother  so  reluctantly  resigned  the  government 
of  the  family  to  her  to  whom  of  right  it  now  belonged, 
and  retired  to  her  OT^^l  private  room,  the  pent-up  sighs 
which  for  several  days  past  had  been  struggling,  and 
only  groaning,  mother ! — all  now  burst  through  the 
barriers,  and  with  loud  lamentations  and  tears,  I 
alone  entered  the  room  with  grandmother,  and  laid 
my  head  upon  her  lap  in  grief  inconsolable.  From 
that  hour  until  I  was  sent  away  to  school,  I  was  he* 
constant  companion.  But  I  will  speak  of  her  more 
fully  in  due  time. 

My  step-motlier  did  the  best  she  could,  but  she 


30  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

was  inexperienced,  and  so  in  wide  contrast  to  "  mo- 
ther." This  circumstance,  together  with  the  increas- 
ing infii'mities  of  grandmother,  daily  led  me  to  feel 
more  keenly  than  ever  the  loss  of  my  parent.  My 
oldest  brother  having  died  a  short  time  previous,  but 
four  of  us  remained,  two  sisters  and  one  brother. 
They  did  not  suffer  as  I  did,  they  were  much  older, 
were  not  afflicted,  and  therefore  could  help  them- 
selves. They  soon  became  reconciled  to  the  change 
of  base,  and  launched  out  into  the  gay  world  with 
more  splendor  than  ever,  my  father  and  step-mother 
leading  the  way.  It  was  not  long  therefore  before  my 
uncombed,  parasitical  hair  exhibited  unmistakable 
signs  of  neglect. 

Although  I  was  yet  very  young,  my  father  saw 
that  it  was  necessary  to  send  me  away  from  home. 
But  where  should  he  send  me?  It  was  soon  de- 
cided that  I  must  go  to  boarding-school.  Prepara- 
tions were  immediately  made  for  a  speedy  disposal 
of  me,  and  without  delay  carried  into  effect.  I  have 
even  now  some  recollection  as  to  the  character  of  the 
romantic  aspirations  that  took  fast  hold  of  my  boyish 
spirit.  Sad  as  I  felt  at  the  idea  of  leaving  grand- 
mother, I  could  not  resist  the  pleasurable  excitement 
there  was  in  the  prospect  of  going  to  school,  so  far 
away  it  was,  ten  miles  from  home !  Where  is  the 
boy  to  be  found  who  would  not  yell  for  very  joy 
while  under  the  operation  of  soap,  water,  towels, 
combs,  etc.,  and  then  the  donning  of  an  entire  new 
suit  of  fustian,  (the  storing  of  an  entire  new  outfit 
being  additional — a  whole  trunk  full,)  that  he  might 
have  an  old-fashioned  stage  ride,  and  above  all,  go 


SCHOOL  EXPERIENCES.  31 

away  so  very  far,  ten  long,  long  miles  ?  My  dear 
Yankee-boy  reader,  who  lives  on  wonders,  and  travels 
by  steam  thirty  miles  an  hour,  can't  see  any  fun  in  a 
ten-mile  stage  ride.  ITeither  can  I  now.  But  I  saw 
it  then ;  and  yell  I  did,  from  the  very  start  until  I 
fairly  arrived  at  my  school  destination. 

Will  my  reader  have  any  charity  for  me  when  I 
relate  that  the  instant  the  stage  stopped  at  the  gate 
where  I  was  to  enter,  my  vociferous  talking  stopped, 
my  romance  vanished  and  my  serial  castles  subsided 
into  an  unspeakable  gloom?  Yes,  involuntarily  I 
shrank  from  entering.  I  wanted  to  go  home  again ; 
I  wanted  to  see  grandma ;  I  didn't  want  to  go  to 
school.  But  crying  was  of  no  avail ;  my  trunk  was 
carried  in,  while  I  was  coaxed  in.  Finding  myself 
in  for  it,  I  resolved  to  make  the  best  of  the  event, 
and  in  I  went  with  as  good  grace  as  I  could  possibly 
command.  The  school  w^as  in  character  purely  Jew- 
ish. The  principal  was  E-abbi  Mosha  Eleazer  Solo- 
mon, and  his  assistants  were  his  two  sons,  Zalmor 
and  Shemuile.  The  location  was  Brixton,  in  sight 
of  the  world-renowned  tread-mill.  My  teachers  were 
certainly  learned  men,  especially  in  that  department 
of  Jewish  literature,  so  essential  in  an  Israelite. 
Their  school  had  the  reputation  of  being  the  best  of 
the  kind  that  England  could  afford.  Doubtless  it 
was  unsui-passed.  But  it  had  no  seasoning  from  the 
salt  of  the  Gospel  of  Jesus.  Restraining  grace  ruled 
not  there.  The  teachers  were  in  their  lives  hcen- 
tious,  and  openly  profane  in  the  very  presence  of  the 
pupils.  But  as  was  prophesied,  "there  shall  be  like 
people  like  priest ; "  and  thus  by  common  consent 


32  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

all  here  was  pronounced  "very  good."  By  experi- 
ence I  learned,  moreover,  that  "  being  in  Rome,  I 
must  do  as  do  the  Romans."  Very  soon,  therefore, 
I  took  on  enough  of  Brixton's  polite  literature  (?)  to 
initiate  me  into  the  brave  (?)  accomphshment  (?)  of 
swearing  as  manfully  (?)  as  my  proficient  teachers. 

Doubtless  the  reader  will  readily  understand  that 
all  the  reli£:ious  influences  which  had  heretofore  been 
thrown  around  me,  were  directly  calculated  to  hold 
me  firmly  to  the  religion  of  my  fathers.  True,  I  had 
not  learned  to  love  Judaism,  but  possessing  a  temper- 
ament susceptible  of  religious  influences,  and  knowing 
nothing  but  "  Moses  and  the  Prophets,"  it  was  not  a 
hard  matter  for  me  to  shut  out  everything  else,  when 
I  was  shut  ofi"  from  it.  And  so  it  came  to  pass  that 
at  this  school  I  learned  to  hate  ''  Jesus  of  E^azareth." 
Many  times  during  my  days  of  childhood,  I  had 
heard  that  name  coupled  with  stories,  ridiculous, 
licentious,  and  blasphemous.  And  I  verily  believed 
all  that  my  dear  grandma  told  me  was  true.  My 
juvenile  prejudices  thus  became  established,  for  the 
one  and  against  the  other.  But  now  it  was  that  I 
learned  positively  to  hate.  It  must  be  borne  in  mind, 
that  whatever  else  a  Jewish  boy  studies,  whatever 
accomplishments  he  may  aspire  to,  he  must  have  a 
good  Hebrew  education.  This  is  absolutely  essen- 
tial to  his  religion.  In  truth,  this  noble  language 
belongs  to  the  Jew,  all  over  the  world.  Having  had 
a  fair  start  at  home  in  the  study  of  both  Hebrew  and 
English,  and  possessing  withal  a  disposition  to  ac- 
quire an  education,  I  soon  entered  into  the  spirit  of 
tlie  daily  round  of  school  duties.     At  this  school  I 


SCHOOL  EXPERIENCES.  33 

learned  that  if  I  would  be  a  good  Jew,  I  must  hate 
^' Jesus  of  l!Tazareth."  I  would  not  for  a  moment 
have  the  reader  think  that  studying  the  Hebrew 
necessarily  imparts  prejudice.  E'o  :  but  studying  it 
in  a  Jewish  school  has  this  effect.  Fortunes  too  are 
expended  in  acquiring  Talmudical  fables  and  Hebrew 
nonsense,  which,  if  dispensed  with,  would  retard 
Judaism,  and  frustrate  its  own  purpose  of  hurting 
Christianity. 

Few  persons  (outside  of  the  Jewish  family)  are 
aware  of  the  great  disadvantage  under  which  a  Jew- 
ish boy  in  England  labors  in  acquiring  an  education. 
This  is  owing  to  the  fact  that  there  is  so  much  mean- 
ingless religion  crowded  into  the  brain  of  the  youthful 
tyro,  and  swallow  it  he  must,  even  under  penalty. 
1^0  regard  is  paid  to  his  capacity  in  this  respect. 
Here,  he  has  no  election.  Here,  he  must  learn  that 
his  Gentile  neighbor  is  a  doomed  man.  Here,  he  is 
instructed  to  retort  upon  every  Gentile,  ''  I  will  not 
eat,  drink,  or  pray  with  you."  E'o  religious  instruc- 
tion is  imparted  to  the  Jewish  youth,  unless  it  is 
blended  with  something  that  is  prejudicial  to  the 
character  of  Chi-ist.  In  a  Jewish  school  everybody 
hates  "  Jesus  of  Nazareth."  They  speak  of  him  de- 
risively as  "  The  Christian's  God."  This  abuse  again 
is  supported  by  ten  thousand  fables  represented  as 
being  founded  upon  the  Talmud ;  for  the  ears  of  the 
learner  are  constantly  assailed  by  strange  words,  such 
as,  "Masora,"  "Talmud,"  "Mischna,"  "  Gemara," 
all  purporting  to  be  correct  exponents,  either  of  the 
sacred  text,  or  of  the  traditional  addenda,  the  rab- 
bins alone  forming  the  tribunal  in  every  case. 
3 


34  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

After  all  is  said  that  can  be,  to  detract  from  the 
dignity  and  trutlifnlness  of  the  Christian  religion, 
another  great  mistake  is  made  in  attempting  to 
cramp  the  expanding  mind.  The  brains  of  youth 
Avill  exercise  their  natural  function.  Many  a  time 
while  sitting  in  class,  listening  to  Rabbi  Mosha  tell 
some  old,  dried  up,  traditional  yarn,  have  I  seen  a 
well-known,  mischievous  snap  of  the  eye  pass  around 
from  one  to  another.  Eabbi  Mosha  always  construed 
the  satirical  smile  of  his  class,  as  an  expression  of 
approbation.  So  finally  the  young  "  free  thinkers," 
feeling  safe  in  playing  the  ruse,  would  be  tempted 
to  give  free  vent,  and  laugh  outright.  Sometimes, 
however,  we  would  be  caught  in  our  own  trap.  The 
rabbi  didn't  want  that  boy  to  laugh  just  then ;  and 
well  would  the  poor  fellow  pay  for  his  fun.  It  not 
unfrequently  happened  after  one  or  other  of  us  had 
received  the  benefit  of  a  stiff  rattan,  that  with  smart- 
ing shoulders  and  back  we  would  sulkily  enter  the 
play  ground  at  recess  to  be  instantly  surrounded  by 
a  score  of  sympathisers.  'No  tears  would  be  shed, 
but  with  stoical  heroism  the  sufierer  would  patiently 
await  as  his  relief  a  chance  to  ease  his  own  conscience. 
This  chance  was  found  in  the  play  ground,  and  on 
this  wdse :  "  I  say,  boys,  what  did  you  think  of  thai 
— wasn't  it  a  whopper?"  "Yes,"  speaks  up  Ike, 
"  worse  than  that,  'twas  a  downright  lie."  "I  won- 
der," chimes  in  Abe,  "  if  old  Mosha  thinks  that  we 
are  a-goin'  to  swaller  all  that  stuff?  " 

Somebody  then  swears  a  round  oath,  and  so  that 
rattan  is  doomed  to  bo  spHt  before  night. 

It  is  not  uncommon  to  see  a  number  of  the  boys 


SCHOOL  EXPERIENCES.  35 

in  groups,  amusing  each  other  with  an  original  story 
that  one  of  the  number  somewhere  had  heard  tliat 
somebody  had  told  somewhere  about  the  Christians. 
Here  somebody  breaks  in  with, ''  That's  a  he."  "  True 
as  the  Gemara ;  ask  old  Mosha  if  it  ainf  ITothing 
daunted,  each  boy  tries  to  shoot  higher  than  his  fel- 
low, and  many  a  boyish  tale  is  told,  founded — of 
course — upon  rabbinical  infallibiUty.  But  hark,  the 
school-bell  rings.  "  Run,  boys,  run,"  and  running 
speeches  keep  pace.  The  last  one  is — "  Jose,  keep 
your  face  straight,  this  time  " 


CHAPTER  IV. 

A    GROWTH    OF    PREJUDICES. 

I  shall  doubtless  find  it  necessary  to  refer  to  my 
school  days  again,  in  another  part  of  my  history. 
Having  written  enough  for  one  short  di^^.sion,  I  pre- 
sume that  it  will  meet  mth  the  approhation  of  my 
patient  reader  if  I,  for  the  time  being,  change  the 
subject. 

The  Indian's  idea  of  the  gra\dtation  of  the  earth  is 
not  more  absurd  than  the  Jew's  idea  of  the  relation 
which  the  whole  human  family  sustain  to  their  God. 
An  East  Indian  was  once  asked  why  the  world  does 
not  fall?  He  replied,  ''Because  it  stands  on  the 
back  of  a  large  elephant."  "  But  what  does  the  ele- 
phant stand  on?"  He  replied,  "  On  a  large  turtle." 
'' But  what  does  the  turtle  stand  on?"  He  briefly 
repUed,  "  Mud." 

Early  in  life  I  was  made  to  believe  that  there  ex- 
ists but  one  grand  division  of  the  family  of  man ; 
and  that  it  is,  between  the  Jews  and  the  Christians. 
So  whoever  is  not  of  blood  relation  to  Abraham,  is 
a  Christian,  and  unless  he  submits  to  the  right  of 
circumcision  and  observes  the  so-called  law  of  Moses, 
he  cannot  be  saved.  The  Jew  thus  makes  no  differ- 
ence between  Christians  and  Heathen.  It  is  enough 
for  him  to  know  that  you  are   not  a  Jew.     This 


A  GROWTH   OF   PREJUDICES.  87 

alone,  in  his  belief,  will  result  in  the  loss  of  your 
soul. 

Christianity  teaches  a  doctrine  just  as  discrimina- 
ting, namely:  "There  is  no  other  name  under  hea- 
ven given  among  men  whereby  we  must  be  saved," 
but  the  name  of  Jesus.  Believing  this,  the  Christian 
heart  agonizes  for  the  conversion  of  the  Jew.  Al- 
though I  was  at  this  time  entirely  ignorant,  aye  in 
total  darkness  concerning  all  that  pertains  to  Chris- 
tianity, yet  sometimes  a  query  arose  in  my  mind  as 
to  what  would  become  of  all  the  people  in  the  world 
who  were  not  Jews.  I  never  laiew  a  Jew  to  utter 
one  word  of  sympathy  in  behalf  of  all  these  lost,  lost 
Christians:  I  experienced  none.  I  have  heard  the 
rabbins  even  exult  at  the  idea  that  there  is  no  salva- 
tion for  any  but  Jews.  In  this  sentiment  my  own 
heart  participated,  for  I  never  knew  what  sympathy 
for  my  fellow-man,  as  man,  could  mean,  until  my 
imprisoned  sensibilities  were  set  at  liberty,  when  I 
received  the  ever-blessed  Jesus  as  my  o^vn  Saviour. 

'No  impressions  are  so  hard  to  overcome  as  those 
with  which  we  have  been  brought  up.  Prejudice 
from  education  is  the  chief  cause  of  all  the  errors  in 
existence.  But  in  such  a  system  as  this,  out  of 
which,  by  the  grace  of  God,  I  have  been  delivered, 
there  is  not  even  the  show  of  a  chance  for  the  youth- 
ful mind  to  arrive  at  the  truth,  when  it  would  em- 
brace it.  If  at  any  time  a  Jewish  youth  should 
inquire,  "who  is  this  Christian's  God  about  whom  I 
hear  so  much  talk  ? "  he  will  receive  but  one  charac- 
ter of  reply — "'Jesus  of  E'azareth,'  the  crucified 
one,  the  impostor,  the  bastard,  the  evil  angel,"  etc. 


38  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

If  an  unsatisfied  mind  should  still  excite  his  inquisi- 
tive propensity,  he  will  in  all  probabihty  be  amused 
with  some  rabbinical  nonsense,  such  as  I  have  been 
enlightened  with.  For  example — "  Once  upon  a 
time  our  fathers  had  a  beautiful  temple.  They  had 
in  it  a  beautiful  organ.  ^  Jesus  of  ^N'azareth'  stole  it 
away  and  gave  it  to  his  followers ;  and  for  this  crime 
the  Jews  caught  him  and  hanged  him.  This  Jesus, 
my  darling,  he  is  the  God  of  the  Christians." 

What  if  the  intelligent  American  Jew  discards 
this  stupid  stuff?  Wliat  if  it  is  an  old  woman's 
yarn  ?  "What  if  the  more  enlightened  Jewish  reader 
feels  ashamed  to  be  in  company  with  such  flimsy, 
linsey-woolsey  talk?  Is  it  more  insipid  than  vol- 
umes of  similar  Talmudical  infallibilities  ?  What  if 
you  reject  even  them?  Is  it  not,  after  all,  the  very 
material  that  holds  Judaism  together  ?  Certainly  it 
is  so :  and  behold  the  proof  when  you  are  told  that 
the  ridiculous  stuff  which  I  have  mentioned  above, 
is  believed  by  the  old  people  among  foreign  Jews  to 
this  day,  who,  in  order  to  show  their  hatred  for  eve- 
rything that  they  suppose  to  be  in  any  way  con- 
nected with  Christianity,  actually  stop  up  their  ears 
with  their  fingers  when  they  have  to  pass  a  church 
on  "  Sunday,"  through  fear  of  receiving  contamina- 
tion by  hearing  the  soiind  of  the  organ. 

Jews  further  charge  Christians  with  worshiping 
the  cross  upon  which  Christ  was  fastened.  They 
spurn  the  idea  that  God  should  manifest  himself  as 
— a  son.  'No;  say  they,  "If  there  is  one  relation, 
there  must  be  a  chain  of  them."  Now,  it  would  ill 
become  the  nature  of  this  book  for  me  to  attempt  to 


A    GROWTH    OF    PREJUDICES.  30 

sustain  by  Ecvelation  the  divinity  of  Christ;  but 
wliat  can  I  do  else  than  deplore  the  blindness  of  my 
brother  who  is  ignorant  of  every  description  of  reli- 
gion except  the  Judaism  that  has  been  crowded  to- 
gether by  rabbinical  pressure  into  his  unenlightened 
mind.  For  the  rabbins  are  the  exclusive  disposers 
of  the  creed  for  the  people,  who  must  believe  every- 
thing that  is  taught,  whereas  nothing  is  taught  but 
what  is  best  calculated  to  keep  the  mass  in  perpetual 
darkness.  As  a  result  it  is  found  that  these  pro- 
fessed worshipers  of  the  only  true  God,  are,  in  re- 
spect to  Messianic  prophecy,  entirely  ignorant  of 
their  own  scriptures. 

0 !  my  God,  remove,  I  beseech  thee,  the  gross 
darkness  from  my  dear,  but  deluded  people.  "Well 
did  the  "  Prince  of  Peace"  pronounce  the  rabbins  to 
be  "•  blind  leaders  of  the  bhnd."  Blessed  Lord,  save 
them  from  "  falling  into  the  pit  together." 

A  common  error  exists  among  Christians,  which 
leads  them  into  a  false  sympathy  for  the  Jew.  It 
grows  out  of  the  apparent  zeal  of  my  people  in  their 
worship,  on  account  of  which  they  are  supposed  to 
stand  a  good  chance  for  salvation.  Every  professing 
Christian  ought  to  know  better  than  to  submit  such 
a  momentous  question  to  a  game  of  chance.  Alas ! 
zeal  is  not  religion,  especially  when  it  is  exercised  in 
a  cause  so  bad  as  to  shut  out  light,  when  it  seems  to 
be  imploring  for  admittance.  Eut  now  the  Gentile 
reader  may  wonder  again  how  the  once  chosen  peo- 
ple can  remain  so  ignorant  of  the  Gospel  in  a  Chris- 
tian land,  where  so  much  light  is  shining  around 
them.      The    difficulty  at  once  vanishes  when  we 


40  .  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

behold  in  them  the  truth  of  our  blessed  Eedeemer's 
words,  "  Every  one  that  doeth  evil  hateth  the  light, 
neither  cometh  to  the  light,  lest  his  deeds  should  be 
reproved."  This  is  true  of  "  every  one,"  Gentile  as 
well  as  Jew. 

Still,  making  every  allowance,  it  is  matter  for 
astonishment  to  see  with  what  skilful  tact  the  Jew 
evades  every  prophetic  scripture  that  has  any  bear- 
ing upon  the  Messiah.  From  infancy  taught  to 
reject  the  blessed  Jesus,  he  consequently  imbibes 
an  early  hatred.  This  grows  with  him,  it  gains 
strength  with  him,  and  so  becomes  a  component 
part  of  him.  He  hates,  because  his  father  hated ; 
he  says  the  same  words  that  his  father  said,  and  he 
uses  the  same  prayer-book,  simply  because  the  rab- 
bins require  it. 

Such  is  the  position  that  I  occupied  with  reference 
to  the  Christian  religion,  during  the  morning  of  my 
days.  This  is  the  "horrible  pit"  out  of  which  the 
Lord  plucked  me.  And  glory  forever  be  to  His 
holy  name.  He  hath  set  me  in  a  clean  place. 

I  remember  to  have  once  read  of  two  wicked  men 
who  tried  to  excel  each  other  in  fabricating  a  false- 
hood. The  first  said  that  "  he  had  actually  reached 
the  moon  by  ascending  a  tall  ladder,  and  that  he 
drove  a  ten-penny  nail  clear  through  it."  "  I  know 
that  to  be  a  truth,"  replied  the  other,  "  it's  no  lie  at 
all ;  for,  while  you  were  fixing  your  ladder,  I  was 
behind  the  moon,  and  when  you  drove  your  nail 
through,  I  clinched  it." 

The  lofty  moral  standard  of  the  popular  literature 
of  the  world  to-day,  certainly  excels  everything  of 


A   GROWTH   OF   TREJUDICES.  41 

wliicli  anciont  seers  ever  dreamed.  So  the  above 
fable  can  only  be  excelled  by  a  modern  relation  of  a 
fact,  true  as  conjectures  on  the  weather.  "  Bill  was 
a  notorious  liar.  Tom,  meeting  him  one  day,  ac- 
costed him  with,  '  Bill,  tell  the  biggest  lie  you  ever 
told,  and  I'll  stand  treat'  Bill  looked  quite  sur- 
prised, and  appeared  to  feel  insulted.  '  Why,'  said 
he,  'I  never  told  a  lie  in  all  my  life.'  'Take  my 
cap,'  quoth  Tom,  '  I'll  stand  the  treat.'  " 

Corresponding  departures  from  existing  fact,  and 
equally  extravagant,  are  the  refuges  to  which  the 
rabbins  resort  in  order  to  evade  the  force  of  the  pro- 
phetical words  which  they  are  obliged  to  read.  One 
example  must  suffice. 

The  Patriarch  Jacob  on  his  death-bed  predicted. 
Genesis  xlix.  10  :  "  The  sceptre  shall  not  depart  from 
Judah,  nor  a  lawgiver  from  between  his  feet,  until 
Shiloh  come,  and  nnto  him  shall  the  gathering,  or 
obedience,  of  the  people  be."  Early  in  life  I  made 
many  inquiries  of  my  instructors  as  to  what  all  this 
meant.  Every  question  received  in  reply  a  different 
evasion.  E'obody  knew  anything  about  "  Shiloh." 
lie  was  Solomon,  Artaxerxes,  Moses,  ^N'apoleon ;  he 
had  been,  he  would  never  come ;  a  truth,  a  fiction ; 
a  man  of  some  sort,  a  myth; — doctors  disagreed; 
learned  rabbins  did  not  know. 

But  existing  facts  everybody,  and  so  I,  must  laiow. 
True,  I  did  not  understand  anything  about"  Shiloh," 
but  I  did  know,  and  every  Jew  knows,  that  "  the 
sceptre"  has  "  departed  from  Judah,"  and  that  "  the 
lawgiver  "  has  *'  passed  from  between  his  feet."  This 
alone  should  be  received  as  evidence  that  "  Shiloh" 
has  indeed  come. 


42  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

Yet  a  crafty  priesthood  can  evade  even  tliis. 
"  Sliiloli,"  they  say,  "  lias  not  come,  and  it  can  be 
proved  by — Rabbi  Gerson.  E'ow  a  learned  rabbi  is 
entitled  to  a  fair  bearing.  He  shall  have  it ;  and  it 
is  to  be  hoped  that  he  will  not  enlighten  Israel  by  a 
man-in-the-moon  story.  Hear  him  I  In  his  book, 
"  Geliloth  Eretz,"  the  rabbi  affirms,  with  an  oath, 
that  he  will  not  lie  in  a  single  letter,  but  will  relate 
what  he  himself  has  seen.  He  then  says  that  in  his 
travels  he  found  a  river  sixteen  miles  in  breadth, 
each  mile  being  eight  thousand  feet  long,  and  the 
river  thus  twenty-four  English  miles  mde.  The 
water  of  this  river  flows  with  such  rapidity  that  the 
sound  thereof  is  heard  at  a  distance  of  two  days' 
journey.  The  river  is  called  Sabbatyon,  or  Sambat- 
3^on,  because  it  throws  up  large  stones  as  high  as  a 
house  all  the  week  long ;  yet  it  rests  and  becomes 
perfectly  dry  two  hours  before  the  commencement  of 
the  Sabbath,  beginning  again  to  run  with  all  its  fury 
as  soon  as  Sabbath  is  ended.  Beyond  this  river,  he 
continues,  there  are  many  Jews,  even  as  the  sand  of 
the  sea,  living  too  in  great  affluence  and  plenty. 
They  have  twenty-four  kings  and  a  powerful  king  is 
over  the  whole.     He  is  Shiloh. 

My  reader  may  arrive  at  a  just  conclusion  about 
Xxabbi  Gerson ;  but  he  is  at  least  bound  to  admit 
that  he  outdoes  the  man  behind  the  moon. 

The  licentiousness  of  a  corrupt  priesthood  made  a 
very  injurious  impression  upon  my  mind,  yet  I  did 
not  dare  to  doubt  their  word  in  matters  of  religion. 
Ko  Jew  can  appeal  from  the  decision  of  the  "  Chief 
Rabbi,"  however  immoral  his  life  may  be.     Every 


A   GROWTH    OF   PREJUDICES.  43 

difficult  question  is  referred  to  his  infallilHlity.  And 
some  of  these  "difficult"  questions  are  so  childish 
that  a  squeaking  doll  might  almost  hoot  at  them. 
His  omniscience  decides  all  disputes,  levies  taxes, 
imposes  lines,  pronounces  penances,  prays  for  the 
dead,  and  usurps  power  over  a  kind  of  purgatory. 

In  consequence  of  these  manifest  corruptions,  I 
was  in  a  great  measure  shaken  in  my  affection  to- 
wards the  Jewish  priesthood.  But  nothing  had  so 
Btrong  a  tendency  to  unsettle  my  confidence  in  them, 
as  one  circumstance  of  which  I  will  speak  in  the 
next  division  of  my  history. 


CHAPTER  V. 

DEATH'S    SECOND    KNOCKING. 

I  liave  now  arrived  at  tlie  close  of  a  period  which 
has  covered  two  years  and  a  half  of  my  boarding- 
school  life.  In  the  proper  place,  I  expect  again  to 
recur  to  this  school.  I  had  been  home  four  times 
since  I  entered  it,  the  vacations  being  but  two  dur- 
ing the  year,  namely,  in  the  spring,  for  the  Passover 
festival,  and  at  Autumn,  for  the  Atonement  fast. 
In  some  respects  these  days  of  schooling  were  really 
pleasant.  Part  of  the  time  I  had  the  companionship 
of  my  elder  brother ;  and  I  was  made  happy  by  fre- 
quent visits  from  my  dear  father  also.  Many  times 
during  the  school  session,  the  old  lumbering  stage 
would  stop  at  our  gate  and  disburden  itself  of  cer- 
tain packages  of  extras,  all  fresh  from  the  hands  of 
excellent  Jewish  cooks.  This  consideration,  always 
timely  and  very  welcome,  had  a  tendency  to  recon- 
cile me  to  my  daily  fare.  "We  used  to  say  over  a 
Hebrew  thanksgiving  at  every  meal  time,  and  always 
repeated  the  same  words  whether  our  bread  was 
mouldy  or  not,  whether  there  was  enough  or  not, 
(and  generally  it  was  the  not)  A  more  appropriate 
"  blessing,"  likewise  worded  always  the  same,  which 
I  learned  in  after  years,  had  I  then  known,  I  should 
certainly  have  suggested  to  the  boys,  that  it  might 


death's  second  knocking.  45 

have  displaced  the  Hebrew,  pro.  tern.  For  the  more 
special  occasions,  a  crisp,  common  sense  English 
stanza  would  have  been  a  good  substitute : 

Before  we  eat, 
Let  lis  entreat 
The  Lord,  to  bless 
Our  scanty  mess." 

Indeed  it  was  a  great  relief  to  my  conscience,  when 
a  parcel  from  home  was  put  into  my  hands.  At 
such  times,  I  used  to  think  that  my  step-mother  was 
not  so  unkind  after  all.  But  when  I  recognized 
something,  as  I  thought,  from  the  hands  of  good  old 
grandma,  not  a  hungry  chap  within  the  sound  of  the 
smacldng  of  my  lips  dare  ask  for  a  single  mouthful. 
These  stage  stoppages  were  so  frequent  that 
scarcely  a  day  passed  without  leaving  a  home  me- 
mento for  one  or  another  of  the  boys.  All  postal 
communications,  however,  were  forbidden,  except  in 
cases  of  emergency.  Such  an  emergency  was  now 
at  hand.  A  letter  arrived.  I  must  go  home  quick- 
ly, grandma  lies  very  sick :  she  is  dying.  I  did  not 
now  exult  at  the  prospect  of  going  home.  In  mute- 
ness I  entered  the  coach ;  silently  I  traveled  along. 
I  re-entered  my  home  (?)  in  deepest  gloom,  and  with 
sorrow  grown  fearful,  I  saw  her  die !  She  knew  me, 
and  beckoned  me  to  come  near  her  bed.  She  would 
have  spoken  to  me,  but  my  deafness  admonished 
her.  Long  and  steadily  she  gazed  upon  me.  I  saw 
her  speaking,  but  I  could  not  hear  a  word.  My 
heart  was  bursting.  0!  that  I  could  hear  her!  I 
loaned  over  her.  Iler  lips  still  moved,  but  now  in 
silence.  I  drew  a  step  back  and  looked  at  her 
through  my  tears.     I  could  do  nothing  more. 


46  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

The  nurse  had  been  looking  on  this  scene  in 
silence,  hut  presently  she  exclaimed,  "  Poor  soul ! " 
"Wliether  the  exclamation  was  meant  for  me  or  my 
dying  grand-parent  I  do  not  know.  But  grandma 
heard  it  and  took  it  to  herself.  In  an  instant,  sum- 
moning all  her  remaining  strength  to  help  her,  she 
replied  in  quite  a  strong  voice,  "  My  soul  is  not  poor, 
aint  I  a  daughter  of  Israel?"  She  never  spoke 
again.     In  her  ninety-fifth  year  she  left  this  world. 

Many  and  tedious  are  the  ceremonies  before  and 
at  the  interment  of  the  dead.  And  if  I  indulge  my 
pen  at  this  wiiting,  I  shall  multiply  these  pages  be- 
yond my  calculation. 

Preparations  for  interment  are  always  rapidly 
completed.  Before  the  coffin  (which  is  uniformly 
quite  plain)  is  taken  from  the  house,  the  entire  fami- 
ly of  the  deceased  are  required  to  stand  on  one  side 
of  it.  The  clerk  of  the  synagogue  takes  his  place  on 
the  other  side,  l^ow  follows  the  ceremony  of  each 
one  in  turn  leaning  over  the  corpse.  This  however 
is  sometimes  dispensed  with.  The  clerk  then  makes 
a  slit  wdth  a  knife  on  the  right  side  of  the  outside 
garment,  and  he  tears  down  a  strip  about  two  inches 
long.     Misery  and  rags  are  an  emblem  of  grief. 

The  female  members  of  the  family  seldom  or 
jiever  attend  a  funeral.  So  that  mournful  duty 
devolved  upon  my  father,  brother,  and  me.  Ac- 
cording to  custom,  the  corpse  was  carried  to  the 
Charnel-house  to  receive  prayers  before  interment. 
!N'ow  followed  the  ceremony  of  walking  seven  times 
around  the  dead.  Afterward,  when  the  corpse  ar- 
rives at  the  grave,  it  is  set  down  over  the  opening, 


death's  second  knocking.  47 

while  the  officiating  rabbi,  facing  the  East,  says  a 
solemn  prayer  for  the  dead.  Of  course  the  rabbi  has 
a  right  to  a  fee  for  his  services,  and  every  Jew  right- 
fully expects  to  pay  it !  The  regular  fee  was  half  of 
a  crown,  or  two  shillings  and  sixpence,  or  live  York 
shillings,  or  (if  you  can  better  understand  this)  sixty- 
two  and  a  half  cents.  As  to  the  payment  of  this  fee, 
my  father  had  arranged  with  my  elder  brother  to 
liand  it  to  the  rabbi  at  the  grave-side  when  a  certain 
point  of  the  ceremony  should  be  reached. 

It  was  the  first  funeral  I  had  ever  attended,  and 
never  in  my  life  had  I  felt  the  pangs  of  sorrow  so 
keenly  as  upon  this  occasion.  My  mother  dead ! 
]\Iy  grandmother  dead !  Alas,  "  they  left  the  workl 
to  sorrow  and  to  me."  Somehow  the  weeping  be- 
came general,  all  for  one,  poor,  old  woman.  So- 
lemnity was  seated  upon  every  heart,  and  sorrow 
upon  every  brow.  There  stood  the  officiating  rabbi 
at  the  head  of  the  coffin,  and  our  position  was  at  the 
right  side.  In  awful  silence  we  stood  and  gazed 
while  another  prayer  was  being  offi^red  to  Almighty 
God  for  the  soul  of  the  dead.  "Whether  my  brother 
forgot  that  he  held  the  rabbi's  fee,  or  whether  he 
was  solemnly  absorbed  in  thought,  certain  it  is,  that 
he  was  not  up  to  time ;  for  suddenly  the  rabbi  opened 
his  hypocritical  eyes,  and  turning  nervously  toward 
my  brother,  he  extended  the  open  left  hand  towards 
him,  while,  without  stopping  a  second  in  his  prayer, 
lie  tapped  the  open  palm  -sntli  the  index  finger  of 
his  right  hand  several  times  in  rapid  succession, 
muttering  at  each  tap,  with  greedy  gaze,  ''  tip,  tip, 
tip."       My    frightened    brother    Avas    startled.       I 


48  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

watched  all  these  movements  mth  boyish  leer, 
wondering  what  was  up.  In  a  moment  my  brother 
took  the  hint,  and  offered  him  his  fee,  which  he  no 
sooner  saw,  than  he  grabbed  it  in  a  huriy.  In  the 
tmnkhng  of  an  eye  it  was  buried,  with  no  funeral 
service,  down  deep  in  his  capacious  pocket. 

"Where  is  the  boy,  who  is  a  boy,  that  could  have 
maintained  his  gravity  in  the  presence  of  such  a 
farce  ?  I  could  not.  This  was  a  little  too  much  for 
me,  and  in  spite  of  all  my  effort  to  restrain,  I  bu- 
ried my  face  in  my  handkerchief,  held  in  both  hands, 
and  was  actually  convulsed  with  laughter.  Reaction 
had  taken  place,  so  this  overcame  me.  I  could  not 
hold  my  unnerved  body  still.  I  laughed  until  I 
actually  cried.  Then  the  general  and  abiding  im- 
pression that  I  was  crying  became  again  correct. 
My  brother,  meanwhile,  was  no  better  off  than  my- 
self. He  had  caught  the  spark,  and  was  already 
bursting  to  find  vent.  I  laid  my  head  upon  bro- 
ther's shoulder,  and  squeaked,  "  tip,  tip,  tip."  This 
was  altogether  more  than  he  could  bear.  In  a  mo- 
ment he  too  had  his  face  buried,  laughing  most 
cruelly.  Not  being  able  to  keep  our  feet  any  longer, 
we  retired  to  a  distance  to  have  our  laugh  out,  in  a 
sitting  postm-e.  "  Tip,  tip,  tip,"  muttered  my  bro- 
ther. That  was  enough  for  our  purpose ;  we  laughed 
together  until  we  were  exhausted,  and  glad  we  were 
when  the  prayers  for  the  dead  were  exhausted  too. 

Our  company  of  mourners,  however,  mistaking 
our  merriment  for  broken-hearted  grief,  united  with 
us,  as  they  supposed,  in  loud  accents  of  sorrow  for 
the  departed.     Wlien  all  was  over,  and  we  were  led 


death's  second  knocking.  49 

to  calm  reflection,  0  !  how  we  censured  oui'selves  for 
tills  conduct.  Still  in  our  hearts  we  said,  "  ^lay  our 
sin  rest  upon  that  half-shaved  priest."  Years  have 
now  passed  away.  I  have  lived  many  of  these  with 
the  love  of  Jesus  in  my  heart,  and  have  preached 
salvation  through  Ilim  to  thousands  of  my  fello^v 
creatures,  pointing  them  to  the  great  truth  that  Je- 
sus Christ  "  hath  hrought  life  and  immortaU ty  to 
light  through  the  Gospel."  I  think  of  the  grand- 
mother we  laid  away  at  that  time,  of  my  mother 
who  went  hefore,  and  of  my  father  who  followed  a 
while  later.  They  all  died  hating  Jesus  !  Is  blood 
from  Abraham  enough  for  eternity  ?  Can  aught 
that  descends  from  the  Patriarch  invalidate  the 
breathing  of  the  Prophet — "  The  child  shall  die  a 
hundred  years  old;  but  the  sinner,  being  a  hundred 
years  old,  shall  be  accursed?" 
4 


CHAPTER   VI. 

BRIXTON    AGAIN.  — PORK    AND    HYPOCRISY. 

A  few  days  after  the  funeral,  I  was  doomed  to 
return  again  to  my  scliool  at  Brixton.  So  great  a 
change  in  my  feelings  had  taken  place,  that  had  I 
been  sentenced  to  the  cruel  "treadmill"  to  finish 
out  my  time,  I  could  not  have  gone  into  it  more  re- 
luctantly, I  resumed  my  studies  with  a  heavy  heart, 
and  the  recollection  of  the  past  often  drew  a  private 
tear  from  my  eyes.  My  prejudice  was  excited 
against  my  preceptors  in  consequence  of  the  con- 
duct of  the  rabbi  at  the  funeral.  Had  I  had  control 
of  myself  at  that  time,  I  never  should  have  submitted 
to  be  instructed  again  by  a  Jew.  But  it  was  vain  to 
attempt  rebellion  against  my  father's  wish  for  me  to 
continue  at  that  school.  Study  hard  I  did :  I  hked 
that.  But  several  weeks  passed  finding  me,  one 
after  the  other,  with  a  heavy  heart.  Every  fresh 
talmudical  anecdote  that  my  teacher  would  amuse 
us  with,  served  only  to  increase  my  dislike  for  them. 
One  feature  alone  I  did  like  :  I  acquired  in  these,  ma- 
terial wheremth  to  persecute  the  hated  Christians. 

The  reader  is  doubtless  in  the  dark  as  to  any 
knowledge  of  the  weight  attached  to  rabbinical 
teaching — a  teaching  which  is  always  prejudicial  to 
the  character  of  Christianity,  if  not  in  one  way,  in 


BRIXTON   AGAIN. — PORK   AND   HYPOCRISY.  51 

anotlier.  AVliile  I  was  under  tliat  immediate  iiillu- 
ence,  hearing  only  one  side  of  the  question,  all  their 
arguments,  lop-sided  as  they  are,  appeared  to  he  of 
magnitude.  But  since  I,  "  hy  the  grace  of  God," 
have  heen  permitted  to  measure  my  ground  hy  the 
glorious  Gospel  of  Christ,  all  their  arguments  iieo 
before  it  as  mere  ephemeral  shadows,  and  sink  as 
arguments  into  utter  imperceptihility. 

The  Christian  community,  as  a  general  thing,  are 
ignorant  of  the  amount  of  prejudice  an  inquiring 
Jew  has  to  contend  with,  and  the  diihculties  he  has 
to  surmount,  ere  he  can  openly  espouse  the  cause  of 
Christ.  Some  of  his  harriers  which  are  apparently 
insignificant  are  oftimes  the  most  insurmountable. 
We  ^^dll  speak,  for  instance,  of  the  Jew's  objection 
to  eating  swine  flesh.  In  after  years,  when  I  had 
surmounted  every  other  objection  against  Christi- 
anity, lo,  the  -poor,  inoffensive  hog  alone  remained 
in  my  way.  This  may  be  accounted  for  by  the  deep- 
rooted  prejudice  I  imbibed  against  hogs  and  Chris- 
tians alike,  at  school.  Svrine  are  refused  by  tlie 
Jews,  as  an  article  for  food,  on  two  accounts.  First, 
because  their  meat  was  expressly  forbidden,  in  com- 
mon with  certain  other  animals  pronounced  by  Jeho- 
vah to  be  unclean,  (see  Le^dticusxi:  7-8.)  That, 
therefore,  is  to  them  argument  enough.  Secondly, 
the  porker  has  been  used  by  Pagans  as  a  weapon  of 
persecution  against  them.  It  is,  therefore,  the  more 
abominable.  The  Jew,  therefore,  as  a  Jew,  docs 
right  in  refusing  the  flesh  of  swine.  And  an  almost 
insurmountable  ol)jection  against  Christians  is  found- 
ed upon  their  eating  it.     Blessed  be  the  Lord  for  the 


62  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

removal  of  every  legal  yoke  in  Christ  Jesus,  whose 
glorious  Gospel  teaches  "  what  God  hath  cleansed, 
that  call  not  thou  common." 

Consistency  with  what  one  professes  is  a  virtue. 
Young  as  I  was,  I  could  not  help  noticing  the  gla- 
ring inconsistencies  that  stalked  abroad  at  noon-day, 
among  my  people.  Some  of  these  contributed 
largely  to  shake  my  faith  in  Judaism.  The  men- 
tion of  hut  one  novel  circumstance,  must  sufficiently 
illustrate  this  point. 

By  the  date  now  reached,  several  years  of  my 
school  life  were  gone  forever.  Hitherto  my  life  had 
been  dragged  along  without  variation  or  recreation. 
It  had  been  customary  for  my  father  to  leave  the 
city  every  summer  with  some  of  the  family,  and 
spend  some  time  on  the  sea-coast.  This  summer 
father  resolved  to  take  me  along.  The  party  con- 
sisted of  my  father,  step-mother,  two  sisters,  and  my 
poor,  little  self;  afterwards  we  were  joined  by  a  Gen- 
tile lady  Mend.  I^ow  we  are  fairly  under  way,  with 
steam  up,  spirits  ditto,  hearts  light,  purses  hea\y, 
bound  for  Margate,  for  a  summer's  excursion.  It 
was  seventy-two  miles  from  London,  across  salt  wa- 
ter. This  time,  at  least,  I  realized  more  truth  than 
poetry  in  the  matter,  for  it  was  not  long  before  sea- 
sickness stiffened  me  out.  I  really  felt  as  though  I 
was  being  rowed  up  the  fabled  salt  river  in  reality. 
However,  all  the  company  participated ;  father  too, 
although  he  had  left  his  counting-room  and  come 
away  for  recreation,  could  not  help  casting  up  other 
"accounts"  where  there  was  more  "room"  for 
them.     It  really  did  me  good  to  see  their  faces  as 


BRIXTON   AGAIN. — PORK   AND   HYPOCRISY.  63 

woe-begone  as  my  own.  But  never  mind  the  little 
wrplcasaniness,  cheer  up ;  we  have  safely  arrived  at 
^largate. 

Cessation  from  study,  recreation,  change  of  scene 
and  of  air,  with  the  unpatented,  yet  availing  |?a?ia- 
cca^  sea-sickness,  all  combined  to  operate  like  magic 
upon  my  general  health.  I  left  my  bed  at  sun-rise, 
and  bathed  in  the  sea  before  breakfast.  During  the 
day,  I  walked  along  the  beach,  examining  curious 
shells  and  such  geological  and  maritime  substances 
as  the  sea  would  wash  ashore.  Thus  each  day  I 
improved  my  opportunity,  at  the  same  time  acqui- 
ring considerable  educational  light,  much  to  the 
benefit  of  my  health  as  well.  "We  took  our  meals 
only  four  times  a  day,  namely,  breakfast,  dinner,  tea, 
and  lastly,  supper.  A  few  nick-nacks,  or  something 
harder,  affectionately  received  "  ad  interim,"  filled 
up  the  measure  of  our  daily  necessary  and  unneces- 
sary requirements.  But  I  was  a  gromng  boy  then, 
and  of  course  always  had  a  good  appetite.  Eating 
times  followed  each  other  in  such  rapid  succession, 
that  I  found  no  time  to  have  God  "in  all  my 
thoughts."  I  didn't  even  think  of  Rabbi  Gerson's 
"  big  river."  One  day,  after  a  forenoon  speiit  as 
usual, " up  to  time"  in  all  its  appointments, I  walked 
home  for  dinner,  and  being,  notwithstanding,  exceed- 
ingly hungry,  I  became  rather  ill-humored.  At  last 
tlie  savory  fragrance  of  the  highly  seasoned  dishes 
reached  my  olfactories,  and  contributed  much  to- 
wards strengthening  my  hope  as  the  servants  set 
these  eatables  safely  or  unsafely  upon  the  table. 
We  observed  the  usual  ceremony  of  icashing  hands 


54  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

before  eating ;  and  at  the  table,  prayers  were  duly 
said.  I  confess  I  was  pleased  with  tliis  feature  so 
consistent,  especially  as  I  noticed  that  Mrs.  B.,  a 
Gentile  lady,  was  one  of  our  company.  At  a  signal, 
the  covers  were  instantly  removed  from  oiF  the  dish- 
es, which  without  reluctance  exliibited  the  concealed 
treasures.  One  dish  particularly  attracted  my  atten- 
tion. AAHiew,  earth,  air  and  fire,  water  and  steam ! 
"  what's  that  ? "  My  surprise  was  soon  dissipated 
by  father's  scientific  carving  of  the  beautiful  stran- 
ger. The  preference  of  dishes  was  given  to  the 
company,  and  each  voted  to  treat  the  stranger  A\dth 
common  politeness,  and  cultivate  an  mtimate  ac- 
quaintance. Of  course,  I  followed  suit.  I  assure 
you,  polite  reader,  that  we  did  not  mince  the  matter 
at  all.  We  all  went  to  work  as  if  we  were  used  to 
it,  for  by  the  time  we  had  finished  operating  upon 
the  mysterious  visitor,  there  was  but  a  very  small 
piece  left  on  the  dish,  and  this  only  for  good  man- 
ner's sake.  Dessert  over,  we  returned  thanks,  in 
the  form  of  which  occur  these  words  :  "  When  thou 
hast  eaten  and  art  satisfied,  then  thou  shalt  bless  the 
Lord  thy  God."  In  truth  we  were  this  time  all 
quite  satisfied — but,  as  usual,  what  next  ?  We  noAV 
left  tlic  table,  each  to  spend  the  afternoon  as  easily 
as  possible  until  tea-time.  So  letting  others  do  as 
they  chose,  I,  like  a  lonely  sheep,  strolled  off  to  the 
sea-shore,  where  I  amused  myself  in  searching  for 
natural  curiosities.  I  had  been  some  time  at  my 
favorite  solitary  amusement,  when  my  pastime  was 
obtruded  upon  by  the,  of  course,  unwelcome  visit  of 
the  ladies !     However,  they  proved  this  time  good 


BRIXTON   AGAIN. — PORK   AND   HYPOCRISY.  55 

company.  And  as  I  had  long  since  learned  to  like 
my  step-motlier  very  much,  I  did  feel,  on  the  whole, 
ratL'^r  glad  to  have  a  little  company-talk  with  Mo- 
ther and  Co.  We  immediately  launched  into  the 
performance  of  a  sea-side  drama,  which  resulted  in 
welding  another  link  to  my  chain  of  events. 

The  actors  were  step-mother,  grown  sister,  Gentile 
lady,  and  this  little  self. 

Sister.  "You  are  enjoying  yourself  finely — got 
any  shells  ?  " 

"Don't  you  feel  lonesome?  come  walk  with  us!" 
hogged  mother. 

Gentile.  "Jonas,  how  did  you  like  your  dinner 
to-day?" 

"  Yery  well,"  I  said,  rather  unconcernedly,  how- 
ever. 

Gentile.  "Wasn't  that  meat  excellent?  you  ate 
heartily,  I  noticed." 

Self  "  I  tell  you  !  hut  it  was  good,  and  I  was  so 
hungry." 

She  smiled  knowingly,  while  my  ladies  tried  in 
vain  to  look  soher. 

Such  conduct  naturally  excited  in  me  a  suspicion 
that  all  was  not  right;  hut  what  was  wrong,  IJvuew 
not.  I  knew  very  well  that  I  was  not  poisoned. 
YHiat  could  he  the  matter?  In  a  moment  it  oc- 
curred to  me  that  perhaps  I  had  eaten  pork.  I  was 
frightened!  "Did  you  go  to  the  market  for  it?"  I 
imploringly  asked.  "  Yes,"  she  replied.  "  Was  it 
]pork  f  "  She  looked  at  the  comjDany  out  of  the  cor- 
ner of  her  eye :  they  chuckled ;  she  forced  a  smile, 
and  slowly  answered,  "  Y-e-e-s." 


66  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

My  mind  for  a  moment  staggered.  I  cast  a  repro- 
ving glance  at  the  deceivers,  and  yelled  out,  "  You 
h}n:)-pr-pr-pr."  The  stammering  elongation  of  the 
Y/ord  was  occasioned  by  a  sudden  grasp  of  my  older 
sister,  who  shook  me  so  hard  that  before  I  could  get 
"  it"  out,  it  was  out,  that  is  the  pork  came  to  an  un- 
timely exit,  giving  a  peculiar  emphasis  to  my  unfin- 
ished "  hypocr-ite."  "  For  G — 's  sake,"  they  pro- 
fanely begged,  "  don't  tell  anybody  when  we  get 
back  to  London." 

The  secret  was  all  out  now,  and  my  feelings  may 
be  more  easily  imagined  than  described.  I  looked 
imploringly  into  their  faces..  There  was  no  help  for 
me.  Father  also  was  silent,  as  the  pork  went  on 
dio'CBtins:.  0  !  what  a  dilemma !  I  had  committed 
a  great  sin,  and  was  truly  penitent.  But  I  could  not 
find  a  soul  to  sympathize  with  me.  Had  I  been  in 
London  I  should  have  gone  at  once  to  the  Chief  Eabbi 
and  confessed.  But  I  w^as  nearly  eighty  miles  from 
him.  A  thousand  thoughts  flashed  like  phantoms 
through  my  terrified  mind,  and  it  would  not  have 
required  much  argument  to  make  me  believe  that  I 
heard  the  actual  hog  grunt. 

Maddened  at  the  consummate  h^^oocrisy  of  my 
relatives,  I  determined — if  possible — to  swallow  an 
emetic.  I  ran  out  of  the  house  (to  which  we  had 
returned)  to  find  a  druggist,  so  that  I  might  put  my 
purpose  into  execution.  But  before  I  reached  one, 
my  better  judgment  resumed  the  ascendency.  I 
concluded  that  my  sin  w^ould  rest  upon  those  by 
whom  I  had  been  deceived.  As  for  me,  I  would 
live  and  die,  a  Jew.  Then  I  should  be  saved  in 
spite  of  hogs,  Christians,  and  hypociites. 


BRIXTON   AGAIN. — PORK   AND   HYPOCRISY.  57 

So  far  I  have  given  the  reader  a  fiiiiit  idea  of  the 
miry  clay  in  which  the  poor  Jew  is  plunged.  How 
well  adapted  to  their  leaders  is  the  reproof  of  the 
ever-considerate  Saviour:  "Ye  blind  guides!  ye 
strain  at  a  gnat,  and  swallow  a  camel." 

Looking  at  the  past  from  my  present  position,  I 
am  sometimes  led  to  wonder  why  I  did  not  in  those 
days  take  a  more  sensible  ^dew  of  my  own  standing. 
Neither  myself  nor  any  other  Jew  had  the  least 
scruple  concerning  acts  of  immorality,  under  what- 
ever circumstances  committed.  Following  implicitly 
in  the  footsteps  of  my  predecessors,  I  lied,  cheated, 
and  swore  with  impunity,  never  feeling  conscious  of 
haA-ing  done  Avrong  until  my  quiet  was  disturbed  Ijy 
having  forsooth  eaten  in  ignorance  a  piece  of  pork ! 
Amidst  all  this  confusion,  I  was  in  the  habit  of  say- 
ing a  prayer  for  everything  I  could  hear,  see,  taste, 
touch,  or  smell;  even  for  thunder,  lightning,  and 
every  imaginable  thing.  Jesus  fitly  says  "  all  their 
works  they  do  to  be  seen  of  men."  0,  Christians, 
when  you  read  your  l!Tew  Testament,  hear  preached 
the  Gospel  of  Jesus  Christ;  when  you  stretch  forth 
your  hands  and  humble  your  souls  before  the  one 
throne  of  Jehovah,  then  do  think  of,  pity  and  pray 
for  fallen  Israel,  as  you  yearn  over  the  utterly  blind. 
Remember  too,  that  if  the  Eternal  God,  for  the  ac- 
complishment of  his  own  gracious  purposes,  keeps 
the  Jew  a  distinct  man;  it  is  the  very  Judaism  of 
to-day  that  keeps  him  distinct  and  incorrigibly  as 
through  and  through  a  sinner,  the  more  so  if  not 
hopelessly  so,  because  seemingly  religious. 


CIIAPTEE   YII. 

AN    ALTERED    PROGRAMME. 

I  cannot  now  remember  how  long  my  season  of 
recreation  lasted,  but  it  matters  not  to  either  you  or 
me.  When  the  time  arrived  for  me  to  return  to 
school,  I  was  informed  that  the  establishment  had 
removed  to  a  beautiful  section  of  country  named 
Hammersmith ;  so  thither  I  repaired  to  resume  my 
studies.  Upon  arri\dng  I  found  that  we  had  reason 
to  be  pleased  with  the  change  of  location. 

There  were  other  changes  also  for  the  better, 
which  gave  us  entire  satisfaction.  The  first  was  the 
resignation  by  Rabbi  Mosha  Eleazer  Solomon,  of  his 
position,  which  had  passed  temporarily  into  the 
hands  of  his  two  sons,  Shemuile  and  Zalmer.  I 
must  say  that  we  liked  both  of  them ;  they  were 
more  thoroughly  modernized  in  every  respect.  It 
had  long  been  painfully  evident  (as  our  backs  often 
testified,  and  our  stomachs  bore  witness)  that  a  re- 
form was  needed. 

Some  of  the  improvements  were  of  a  high  order. 
It  was  necessary  to  fill  the  vacancy  made  by  the  rab- 
bi's resignation.  This  was  done  by  the  acquisition 
of  a  superior  model  of  a  man,  who,  though  a  Gen- 
tile, was  a  finished  gentleman,  and  an  eminent  schol- 
ar.    He  and  Zalmer  took  the  English  and  scientific 

68 


AN   ALTERED    PROGRAMME.  59 

departments.  Then  we  had  a  large  burly  French- 
man, Monsieur  Shohert,  as  professor  of  modern  lan- 
guages, lie  took  snuii'  out  of  a  shovel,  one  shovel- 
ful to  each  nostril.  There  remained  Shemuile, 
assisted  occasionally  by  Zalmer,  as  professor  of 
Hebrew  literature.  These  things,  with  much  more, 
gave  us  all  a  new  zest  for  our  school.  There  were 
reforms  in  the  regimen  also,  which  we  had  reason  to 
exult  over.  And  first,  we  were  not,  as  heretofore, 
allowanced  in  our  rations.  Secondly,  we  were  as- 
sured that  the  bread  should  never  again  be  mouldy. 
Thirdly,  fresh  meat  was  to  be  provided  twice  a  week 
instead  of  once,  as  hitherto.  Fourthly,  we  were  to 
have  a  little  mustard.  The  doctor  said  mustard  was 
a  good  vermifuge.  It  was,  therefore,  desired  as 
preventing  a  profitless  consumption  of  food. 

After  Shemuile  had  enlightened  us  upon  these  and 
kindred  delightful  topics,  and  had  fairly  arrived  at 
the  end,  one  of  the  boys  (I  dare  not  tell  his  name) 
here  put  a  question,  greatly  to  the  merriment  of  all 
the  old  Brixton  pupils.  "  Are  you  going  to  make 
us  drink  Epsom  salts  ? "  he  asked.  Down  went  the 
rattan  on  the  desk.  Silence !  "We  obeyed.  But 
let  me  indicate  why  hatred  fell  on  salts.  When  a 
boy,  I  did  so  dislike  to  drink  a  solution  of  these. 
JSTow  our  Spring  vacation  occurred  in  April,  in  time 
for  the  Passover  festival.  Toward  the  close  of  the 
term,  old  ^losha  used  to  make  us  march  in  single 
file  to  the  breakfast  table.  At  the  door  stood  a 
waiter  to  hand  each  boy  a  tin-cup  full  of  salts ;  and 
Mosha  himself  was  sentinel,  to  see  that  every  boy 
swallowed  every  drop,  inside  his   neck,  before  he 


60  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

could  enter.  The  other  teachers  were  stationed 
along  the  rear,  to  prevent  skulking.  Mosha  used  to 
tell  us  that  it  was  good  for  us  to  drink  salts  before 
Passover;  it  helped  to  "purge  out  the  old  leaven." 
As  a  running  commentary  on  his  words,  was  to  be 
noticed  the  very  rapid  running  out  of  the  school- 
room during  that  eventful  day.  This  originated 
many  a  hard  speech,  the  hardest  imprecating  sahne 
medicaments. 

School  days  were  now  ghding  along  pleasantly 
enough  under  the  new  order  of  things.  "No  more 
hungry  mouths,  and  (considering  our  deserts)  com- 
paratively few  smarting  backs.  Our  gentlemanly 
Gentile  teacher,  Mr.  P.,  (0  how  we  all  loved  him!) 
exerted  a  finer  moral  influence  over  us  than  we  ever 
dreamed  of.  In  fact  there  was  a  perceptible  improve- 
ment in  our  two  Hebrew  teachers  also.  They  proved 
to  us  now  that  they  too  were  gentlemen,  and  capa- 
ble also  of  exerting  a  moral  influence.  Heretofore, 
I  had  received  several  applications  of  rattan  as  an 
effectual  remedy  for  carelessness.  Its  more  careful 
use  now  made  me  more  careful.  Por  Shemuile  was 
a  good  metaphysician,  and  observing  that  such  rem- 
edies aggravated  the  moral  disease,  one  day  returned 
my  arithmetical  entry-book  without  even  a  scolding. 
I  received  the  book  with  a  very  broad  grin  (and  my 
mouth  was  not  the  smallest;)  then  nudging  my  right- 
elbow  chum,  I  wrote  upon  my  slate,  good  for  me ! 
Upon  opening  the  book  a  short  time  afterward,  I 
discovered  that  Shemuile  had  written  something  on 
the  bottom  of  the  page.  It  was  handsomely  execu- 
ted in   blue  ink.     I  read  it.     My  face   insensibly 


AN   ALTERED    rROGRAMME.  61 

elongated.  Somcbodj^  said  to  me  just  then,  "  what's 
the  matter,  Jonie  ? "  I  pointed  to  the  "  hand-wri- 
ting-." "  Assiduous  at  study  yet  negUgent  in 
entering  his  various  sums."  My  pride  was  roused. 
Shemuile  had  cured  me. 

Satisfied  as  I  felt  with  my  school,  nothing  was 
sufficient  to  erase  from  my  mind  the  impressions 
which  the  ^largate  deception  had  made.  I  felt  that, 
sliould  anything  more  transpire  akin  to  it,  it  would 
he  attended  mth  very  serious  results.  As  it  had 
already  happened,  its  tendency  varied.  Sometimes 
I  hated  Christians  more  for  it,  then  I  blamed  Mrs.  B. 
exclusively.  But  in  the  main  it  only  sei'ved  to  ex- 
pose the  fallacy  of  Judaism.  I  never  spoke  of  the 
circumstance  to  any  one ;  hut  my  mind  would  not  lie 
at  rest,  my  conscience  w^as  only  lulled  by  the  reflec- 
tion that  I  was  still  secure  in  "  Abraham." 

As  time  thus  passed  along  and  I  enjoyed  the  rule 
of  my  new  masters,  a  circumstance  occurred  which 
seriously  disturbed  my  equanimity.  One  day  while 
the  Hebrew  class  was  chanting  the  lesson,  we  were 
visited  by  Rabbi  Moslia.  As  a  rule  it  devolved  upon 
me  principally  to  chant  a  special  portion  assigned  to 
a  particular  occasion.  This  season  happened  on  the 
Sabbath  following  the  next  fourth  day  of  April,  at 
which  time  I  should  be  thirteen  years  old.  But  I 
v/ill  speak  of  that  event  in  its  turn. 

Kabbi  ^losha  w^as  certainly  unusually  prolific  in 
yarns  of  "  the  same  old  sort."  And  somebody's  skep- 
ticism kept  pace  with  him.  At  length  recess  was 
announced.  Shut  within  a  high  brick  wall  enclo- 
sure, six  months  at  a  time,  it  was  difficult  for  lively 


62  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

boys  to  live,  forever  playing  with  the  self-same  ball. 
"We  wanted  some  new  plaything.  Eabbi  Mosha  had 
given  us  an  idea.  "  Boys,  let's  play  '  Christians,'  " 
sounded  a  voice.  This  proposition  brought  the 
croAvd  to  a  stand-still.  "  IIow  shall  we  do  it?"  was 
the  echo.  On  it  went,  "  I  know,  I'll  tell  yur,  I'll 
show  yur."  "  Wlio's  got  a  piece  of  chalk  ? "  "  That's 
the  thing."  A  large  cross  was  now  made  on  the 
wall.  This  done,  we  all  tumbled  down  on  our 
knees  before  it,  and  every  sinner  of  us  made  as  queer 
a  noise  and  as  ugly  a  grimace  as  possible.  While 
we  were  in  this  posture,  exercising  ourselves  in  very 
strange  gesticulations,  with  minds  absorbed  in  our 
tragi-comedy,  "  witch  of  Endor,"  and  representation 
of  kindred  spirits, — Eabbi  Zalmer  detected  us !  In 
a  moment  he  flew  into  high  passion.  Equally  as 
quick  we  were  upon  our  feet.  Some  of  us  had  our 
faces  chalked ;  others  had  laughed  until  tears  came, 
leaving  their  faces  begrimed  with  dirt ;  some  were 
angry  because  the  sport  was  spoiled,  and  others 
again  trembled  for  the  consequences.  There  we 
stood,  an  amateur  band  of  auto-de-fe,  before  poor 
Zalmer.  He  marched  us  one  by  one  into  the  school- 
room. Order  first,  "Lay  down  your  caps."  This 
is  done.  Order  second,  "  Take  off  your  coats  and 
vests."  These  left  us.  Then  he  commenced  at  the 
head  of  the  column,  and  with  a  stiff  rattan  inflicted 
a  most  unmerciful  flagellation  upon  every  one  of  us 
in  turn.  Some  yelling  arose  then,  but  when  after- 
wards we  received  our  lecture  that  we  ought  not  to 
imitate  the  Christians  even  in  jest,  some  of  our  teeth 
set  firmly,  and  a  spirit  said  "  You  lie."     At  length 


AN   ALTERED    PROGRAMME.  G3 

we  were  set  at  liberty,  vowing  vengeance  upon  the 
instrument  of  our  torture,  which  we  spUt  before 
night.  Mr.  P.,  the  Gentile  teacher,  looked  on  mean- 
while from  his  silent  rostrum,  pale  as  death. 

Murmuring  and  mutiny  were  the  further  residts 
of  this  whole  transaction.  We  actually  envied  our 
sisters  at  home  who  were  free  from  such  penance. 
We  soon  found  a  chance  to  exhibit  our  bruised 
backs  to  each  other.  "  Would  I  were  a  girl,"  I  said, 
"  they  don't  have  to  go  through  such  everlasting 
'  Rosha  and  Gemara '  stuff  o'  nonsense."  Here  one 
of  the  boys  reminded  me  of  a  "prayer"  we  should 
all  have  to  say  every  morning  of  our  lives  after  we 
are  thirteen  years  old.  "  I  thank  thee,  Father,  King 
of  the  universe,  that  thou  hast  not  made  me  a  wo- 
man." For  the  time  being  I  forgot  my  punishment 
and  laughed  right  out.  "  I've  only  seen  one  time," 
said  I,  '^  that  I  uttered  that  prayer.  Last  summer 
when  I  was  at  home,  my  sisters  were  going  to  a  ball. 
Wliile  they  were  dressing,  my  younger  sister  set  to 
bawling  for  me  to  come  and  hook  her  dress,  as  all 
the  other  hands  were  engaged.  I  set  to  work,  get- 
ting my  knee  against  her  back  and  pulling  lustily. 
The  hooks  slipped  in  their  eyes  with  a  click.  I  got 
the  last  in,  and  there  stood  my  charming  sister  look- 
ing more  like  a  wasp  than  a  girl.  Selin,  I  now 
asked,  are  you  going  to  dance  skewered  up  in  this 
way  ?  She  put  her  hands  on  her  sides  and — belched ! 
'  Thank  God  I'm  not  a  woman,'  I  added."  This 
narration  brought  out  a  general  laugh,  and  restored 
order  and  obedience. 

But  Avith  me  the  tragedy  did  not  end  here.     I 


64  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

could  not  become  reconciled  to  the  bigotry  that  had 
imposed  upon  me  so  severe  a  flogging.  Several  days 
afterwards,  I  was  careless  about  my  prayers  and  eve- 
rything of  a  Jewish  character.  I  could  not  for  my 
life  understand  how  religion  of  any  kind  could  be 
crammed  into  a  boy's  head  (I  never  thought  about 
the  heart)  by  torturing  his  back.  Thus  I  reasoned 
and  murmured,  until  the  very  sight  of  an  adult  Jew 
filled  me  with  disgust.  After  many  days,  however, 
I  became  more  reconciled,  and  in  a  magnanimous, 
forgiving  spirit,  I  exclaimed,  "  0  Judah,  with  all  thy 
faults  I  love  thee  still." 

There  is  certainly  a  meaning  in  the  proverb,  "  Ex- 
perience is  the  wisdom  of  fools."  In  my  case  it  was 
eminently  verified.  Thus  it  came  to  pass  that  a 
combination  of  circumstances,  some  trifling  and 
others  weighty,  had  a  tendency  to  point  out  to  me 
the  defects  of  Judaism,  and  ultimately  to  lead  me  to 
ni}^  Sa^^our. 

Every  new  development  made  me  more  sensitive 
to  the  defects  of  my  religion.  But  being  religiously 
inclined,  I  was  constrained  to  adhere  to  the  only 
apparently  fair  claim  of  Judaism ;  that  is,  to  arrogate 
Heaven  to  myself  by  virtue  of  my  blood  relation  to 
Abraham.  Tl^us  I  continued  to  walk  in  the  foot- 
steps of  my  forefathers.  Abraham  went  before: 
Moses  followed  after;  and  we  Jews  will  certainly 
follow  on — this  was  my  constant  boast.  But  it  is 
now  many  years  since  the  Lord  dispelled  that  awful 
illusion.  I  have  found  Him  who  is  before  Abraham 
— a  true  Moses.     In  my  dear  Jesus  my  soul  delights. 


AN   ALTERED    PROGRAMME.  65 

On  Ilim  alone  I  liancr  for  salvation.     Dear  reader. 


do  you  know  and  love  Ilim  too  ? 


"  Know  ye  my  Saviour,  know  yc  my  Saviour, 
Know  ye  my  Saviour  and  God? 

O !  He  died  on  Calvary, 

To  atone  for  you  and  me, 
And  to  pureliase  salvation  with  blood." 

!N'othing  is  more  common  than  for  a  man  to  plead 
conscience  and  sincerity,  as  lie  "  steals  the  livery  of 
Heaven  to  serve  the  devil  in."  This  was  true  of 
Saul  of  Tarsus,  who  thought  he  was  doing  service  to 
God  when  butchering  the  Christians.  It  is  also  true 
of  every  Jew  in  the  world,  who  vainly  believes  that 
he  is  serving  God  by  rejecting  the  glorious  "  Media- 
tor between  God  and  man."  Thus  it  was  that  my 
conscience  always  either  "accused  or  excused"  me. 
It  "  accused"  me  for  adhering  to  a  religion  which  I 
knew  to  be  defective.  It  "excused"  me  upon  the 
ground  of  ignorance  of  a  remedy.  And  although  I 
had  a  disposition  to  serve  God,  my  confidence  in  the 
"  Priesthood "  was  still  so  great  that  I  concluded, 
Avhatever  my  sins,  they  would  provide  means  to 
"  pay  every  debt  and  cancel  every  obligation"  to  the 
Almighty  for  my  salvation. 

Many  an  honest  observer  has  remarked  the  great 
similarity  between  the  ceremonies  of  the  Jewish  and 
Roman  churches,  and  been  led  to  exclaim,  "  why 
this  is  just  like  the  Catholic's  ritual ! "  while  in  fact 
the  Eoman  is  but  a  poor  caricature  of  the  Jemsh,  and 
modern  Judaism  is  a  corruption  of  the  Mosaic  sys- 
tem.    Still  it  holds  the  mind  in  a'oject  bondage. 

How  smftly  the  arrow  of  time  flies  when  suflfered 
5 


ee  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

to  steer  its  course  without  resistance.  But  how 
tardily  it  drags  along  to  the  mind  which  is  appren- 
ticed to  be  for  years,  daily  burdened  with  a  ponder- 
ous weight  of  unmeaning  indigestible  rehgious  forms, 
from  which,  in  darkness,  it  struggles  to  be  free. 
This  was  too  true  of  myself.  An  a£B.icted  burden  at 
home,  I  was  left  to  be  educated  by  bigoted  Jews 
abroad.  Thus  rolled  on  my  precious  time,  while 
the  prejudice  of  education  every  day  contributed  to 
engulph  me  deeper  in  the  abyss  of  a  religionism 
from  which  my  inquiring  mind  could  obtain  no 
satisfactory  answer.  Kow  I  know  that  the  "  eye  of 
the  Lord  "  was  upon  me  all  the  time,  and  in  His  own 
manner  in  due  time,  He  brought  to  light  means  for 
ni}^  deliverance.  "  Bless  the  Lord,  O  my  soul,  and 
all  that  is  \\ithiu  lue,  bless  His  holy  name." 


CHAPTER   YIII. 

MY   GREAT    DAY.  — HO!    FOR    P  H  I  L  A  CTERIES. 

Dear  reader,  are  you  anxious  to  read  any  more  of 
my  history  ?  Presuming  that  you  may  be,  I  will 
open  this  division,  as  recording  what  transpired  on 
the  fourth  day  of  April,  in  the  year  of  our  Lord,  one 
thousand  eight  hundred  and  twenty-five,  at  which 
ever-memorable  epoch  I  arrived  at  the  vastly  impor- 
tant age  of  thirteen  years.  A  new  era  opens  for  the 
Jewish  lad  at  this  time  of  life.  Mj^steries  that 
shrouded  his  former  days  now  resolve  themselves 
into  a  huge  enigma.  I  will,  therefore,  first  simply 
"  state  the  question,"  and  secondly,  I  will  elucidate 
by  an  example,  most  mathematically. 

First.  He  is  now  "  of  age."  Twelve  years  used 
to  be  the  period,  but  the  rabbins,  being  very  honest, 
allow  a  "  baker's  dozen." 

Second.  He  is  rabbinically  capable  of  taking  care 
of  himself. 

Third.  Anciently  he  might  disinherit  himself  by 
receiving  from  his  father  his  "  portion  of  goods,"  at 
this  time.  This  practice,  though  supposed  to  have 
been  customary  in  the  East,  is  rarely  repeated  by 
European  Jews.  It  may  throw  some  light  upon  the 
parable  of  the  "  Prodigal  Son,"  as  recorded  by  the 
Evanglist,  Luke  xv :  11  to  the  end. 

07 


68  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

Foiirtli.  He  then  receives  his  phylacteries.  Hold 
on,  reader,  don't  be  impatient.  I  promised  to  ekici- 
date. 

Fiftli.  He  is  taken  into  the  number  necessary  to 
the  ten,  for  saying  certain  important  prayers. 

Sixth.  lie  must  chant  a  portion  of  the  Law  in  the 
synagogue  on  the  Sabbath  succeeding  his  birth-day. 

Seventh.  He  goes  home  and  feasts  hke  an  epicure. 

Among  every  class  of  people,  times  and  seasons 
are  differently  observed,  agreeably  to  the  laws  of  the 
religion  they  profess.  The  thirteenth  year  of  a 
Jewish  boy's  life  is  the  second  time  that  brings  him 
into  special  notice.  The  first  is  at  his  circumcision, 
on  the  eighth  day  of  his  age,  at  Avhich  time  he 
receives  his  name.  The  second  is  the  period  we  are 
now  considering.  The  little  chap  anticipates  that 
day  with  considerable  emotion.  I  well  remember 
what  peculiar  hallucination  enchanted  my  visionary 
brain  when  that  day  was  approaching.  Castles  of 
gigantic  proportion,  and  unheard-of  splendor,  were 
fancifully  and  rapidly  originated.  Then  I  should  be 
a  man.  Then  I  should  be  introduced  to  the  congre- 
gation in  ^'Shule" — synagogue.  Then  I  should 
wear  "  Tefelen" — phylacteries,  as  other  men.  And 
above  all,  father  said  that  I  should  have  a  new  suit 
of  "  sky  blue."  0  hasten  the  hohj  day  for  the  sake 
of  the — sky  blue  !  Please  remember  that  I  am  all 
this  time  in  school,  and  ad  interim,  aye  for  several 
weeks  previous,  I  have  been  kept  a  close  student 
and  rehearser  in  chanting  the  portion  that  would 
fall  to  my  lot  in  regular  order.  I  labored  hard  to 
acquire  the  correct  pronunciation,  accent  and  tone  of 


MY  GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !    FOR   PIIILACTERIES.  69 

every  word.  I  had  too  much  pride  to  make  a  failure. 
But  so  little  did  I  care  either  for  the  translation  of 
my  portion  into  English  or  any  other  language,  or 
for  the  sanctity  of  the  occasion,  that  one  week  after- 
wards I  had  entirely  forgotten  which  had  been  my 
portion.  After  much  hard  labor,  I  successfully 
surmounted  every  obstacle,  and  before  the  time 
arrived  I  was  in  readiness  for  the — sky  blue. 

This  0-be-joyful  day  necessarily  called  me  home  a 
few  days  before  the  Passover  vacation;  so  bidding  a 
good-bye  to  many  choice  companions,  and  receiving 
a  warm  pressure  of  the  Gentile,  Mr.  P.'s,  hand,  in 
due  time  I  arrived  at  home. 

All  the  previous  night  (O  how  long  it  was !)  I  held 
myself  in  readiness  to — "  prevent  the  dawning  of  the 
morning  ?  "  ]^o,  but  to  anticipate  it.  By  eight  o'clock 
A.  M.,  our  regular  breakfast  time,  I  was  ready  to  be 
seen.  My  toilet  was  completed,  hair  perfumed, 
(curling  naturally  as  it  did  all  over  my  head,)  shirt 
collar  stiff  to  the  cutting  of  my  ears,  shoes  too  tight 
for  my  corns ;  and  0  how  heavenly  a  prospect  of 
perfect  sky  blue!  The  suit  was  bought  of  ^Ir. 
Moses  Cohen,  and  was  sacredly  Jewish.  It  consisted 
of  pants,  (of  course,)  vest,  and  a  tight  round-about. 
Now,  one  more  pull  at  the  buckle  of  my  cravat, 
which  was  already  choking  me  till  my  pale  face 
turned  red,  and  I  made  my  august  appearance  at  the 
breakfast  table. 

"  Sholum  Alichem,"  greeted  me  from  all  present. 
I  have  endeavored  in  this  reproduction  to  anglicise 
two  Hebrew  words.  I  am  obliged  to  make  use  of 
these  and  a  few  others,  but  I  will  show  the  reader 


70  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

how  to  pronounce  them  understandingly.  In  the 
first  word  you  give  (agreeably  to  Pohsh  usage)  a 
Ions:  sound  to  the  "  o"  and  you  have  the  word.  The 
second  has  for  its  "  a"  the  sound  given  in  "  far ; "  its 
"H"  sounds  naturally;  its^ch"  is  as  in  "  chem," 
when  the  mouth  is  shaped  as  if  for  a  laugh,  and  an 
effort  made  at  clearing  the  throat,  but  with  an  out- 
breathing  slightly  terminating  in  "  m."  I^ow  you 
can  talk  Hebrew :  what  an  acquisition  !  The  words 
are  a  beautiful  salutation.  They  mean,  "Peace 
(prosperity)  be  unto  you ! "  You  find  a  similar  salu- 
tation and  reply  given  by  Boaz,  in  Euth  ii :  4.  You 
may  refer  to  it  mth  advantage,  as  to  all  other  refer- 
ences that  may  be  indicated. 

I  was  tauo^ht  to  receive  this  beautiful  and  earnest 
salutation  by  reversing  the  words  for  a  repty.  So 
when  the  family  said  "  Sholum  Alichem,"  I  replied 
"Alichem  Sholum,"  or  "To  yourselves"  rather 
would  I  summon  this  "  welfare."  Trembling  as  I 
was  with  fear  for  the  coming  Sabbath,  struggling  no 
less  with  pride  of  heart,  and  squirming  under  the 
pressure  of  choking  cravat  and  tight  shoes,  the 
adaptation  of  my  answer  to  the  kind  salutation, 
evoking  it,  is  best  set  forth  in  the  case  of  an  Indian 
who  could  talk  but  little  English,  and  was  pursuing 
a  Frenchman,  (to  make  matters  worse,)  for  Mon- 
sieur's coveted  scalp.  The  red  man  ran  toward  him 
with  raised  tomahawk.  "  Me  want  scalp."  At  this 
the  Frenchman  swore  and  started  ofil  The  race  is 
swift  and  exciting.  Indian  gains  ground;  French- 
man roars  and  runs  on.  Indian,  however,  soon  gets 
near  enough  to  give  one  mighty  bound.     With  his 


MY   GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !    FOR    PIIILACTERIES.  71 

left  hand  lie  has  now  caught  the  hatless  Frenchman 
by  the  hair  of  his  head.  His  right  arm  raised  on 
high,  brandishes  his  tomahawk.  But,  away  runs 
the  Frenchman,  his  wig  only  in  the  Indian's  hand. 
"  Over  the  hills  and  far  away "  speeds  Monsieur, 
leaving  the  surprised  and  chagrined  Indian  transfixed 
in  attitude,  gazing  first  at  the  wig,  then  at  the  toma- 
hawk, then,  O  so  longingly,  at  the  Frenchman,  far, 
far  away.  Finding  that  his  prey  was  literally  gone, 
he  gloomily  looked  once  more  at  the  wig,  exclaiming, 
but  not  in  French,  "  dats  von  pig  lie." — E'ot  in 
words,  however,  did  I  echo  this  view  of  affairs ;  and 
nothing  of  the  kind  being  suspected,  my  sky  blue 
underwent  another  general  examination.  Every- 
body said  I  looked  very  fine.  I  felt  all  too  "  fine." 
Everybody  was  satisfied ;  as  was  I  also — after  break- 
fast. 

How  my  heart  beats !  "  Shobbos,"  Sabbath,  has 
come.  I  am  actually  in  the  great  synagogue.  JSTo 
wonder  I'm  trembling  with  nervous  excitement.  At 
the  proper  time,  or  when  tlie  chanter  has  arrived  at 
my  portion,  father  and  I  are  "  called  up."  Here  I 
must  explain  a  little  to  my  unenlightened  reader. 
The  "Law  of  Moses"  is  divided  into  fifty-four  por- 
tions, one  of  which  must  be  chanted  on  every  Sab- 
bath. I^ow  also  the  Pentateuch,  or  the  first  five 
books  of  the  Old  Testament,  must  be  carried  with 
ceremony  from  its  ark  to  the  reader's  desk  at  the 
centre  of  the  house.  So  the  clerk  puts  up  at  auction 
the  privilege  of  doing  this,  the  highest  bidder — fair 
play  now ! — gets  it.  During  the  chanting  exercise, 
several  persons  are  "  called  up"  to  the  desk,  whose 


72  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

business  it  is  to  gather  up  the  four  corner  fringes  of 
his  "  taUith,"  (which  I  will  explain  by-and-by,)  and 
touch  them  on  the  next  division  or  small  portion  to 
be  chanted,  and  then  remain  to  hear  it  recited.  For 
this  pri^dlege,  he  makes  a  small  or  large  payment, 
just  as  he  is  inclined,  then  he  receives  a  blessing  and 
— ^pays  for  it,  then  he  orders  blessings  for  other  par- 
ties, sometimes  for  many,  sometimes  for  few;  but 
always  he  is  to  pay  for  each  and  all.  He  has  no 
sooner  finished  than  another  member,  called  up,  in 
like  manner  buys  himself  rich.  In  this  way  every 
man,  who  has  money,  to  be  sure  is  through  the  year 
favored  by  being  "  called  up."  Finally  the  Penta- 
teuch is  again  carried  home,  by  auction  of  course, 
and  rests  until  it  is  wanted  for  a  like  purpose  once 
more. 

Here  stood  father  and  I  right  at  our  post.  A 
certain  stiffiaess  took  hold  on  the  spine  of  my  back, 
as  I  walked  along  in  my  "  sky  blue"  by  the  side  of 
my  father  up  to  the  very  rostrum.  Once  "  in  for  it," 
I  summoned  up  all  my  courage  and  at  once  deter- 
mined to  ''  fight  it  out  on  this  line  if  it  took  a  long 
summer"  of  burning  embarrassment.  And  I  did 
it  too.  I  went  through  the  performance  most  man- 
fully. Father  felt  proud  of  such  a  boy.  What 
father  would  not  have  been  thus  exercised?  lie 
paid  for  piles  of  blessings  that  day.  I  do  not  knoAV, 
in  fact  I  never  learned  how  many  I  got ;  but  at  the 
time  there  was  one  thing  I  very  w^ell  knew,  it  was 
tliat  I  would  have  preferred  the  price  of  them.  Our 
ladies  wore  up  in  the  galleiy,  the  place  assigned  for 
them ;  for  no  where  else  in  the  sanctuary  dare  their 


MY  GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !   FOR   PIIILACTERIES.  73 

feet  tread.  Ecmcmber, "  I  thank  Thee,  Father,  King 
of  the  universe,  that  Tlioii  hast  not  made  me  a — 
woman." 

But  on  being  dismissed,  we  all  met  at  the  outside 
entrance  and  walked  home  together.  Thus  passed 
the  "  great  day."  At  its  close  quiet  is  restored  to 
my  very  nervous  system,  and  I  am  left  to  find  out 
the  meaning  and  utility  of  all  this  ceremony  any 
way  I — cannot.  I  had  carried  my  "sky  blue" 
through  the  entire  Passover  festival.  Having  a  sense 
of  my  consequence  as  a  little  above  a  "  sky  blue 
round-about ; "  I  had  given  it  a  rather  rougher  usage 
than  such  material  is  used  to,  and  the  miserable 
tiling,  some  how  or  other,  split  open  in  the  back  clear 
up  to  the  collar.  So  I  must  have  a  new  one.  I 
begged  for  one  of  another  color.  But  the  ladies 
said  that  it  would  not  match.     I  submitted ! 

A  few  days  remained  before  I  was  to  return  to 
school.  I  will  endeavor  to  fill  up  this  interval  pro- 
fitably and  fulfil  my  promise  to  give  the  reader  a 
little  description  of  the  phylacteries. 

Everybody  around  reminds  me  that  I'm  "  B'mitz- 
vo."  "Wliat's  B^mitzvo  ?  you  ask.  I  reply,  anything, 
providing  it  has  no  force  to  its  meaning.  Call  it 
"  thirteen,"  or  "  of  age ; "  either  will  do.  For  my 
part,  I  was  so  troublesome  in  making  inquiries  of 
everybody  who  seemed  likely  to  know,  that  at  last 
some  one  informed  me  that  now  my  father  ceases  to 
be  longer  responsible  for  my  sins.  "Who  then  is? 
asked  I.  "Why  yourself"  What  makes  me  re- 
sponsible ?  I  persisted.  "  Why,  you  are  '  B'mitzvo.'  " 
What  must  I  do  ?     "  You  must  be  a  good  Yehudah 


74  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

(Jew.")  "WTiatmustl  do  to  be  a  good  Yeliuclah ? 
"  Say  your  prayers,  wear  your  Tefelen,  go  to  Shule, 
keep  the  Law,  obey  tlie  rabbins;  tlieu  living  and 
dying  a  Yehudah,  it  mil  be  all  right  with  you  at 
last,  l^ow  do  you,  reader,  know  what  "B'mitzvo" 
really  means  ?    I  aver  that  I  do  not ! 

Imagine,  as  the  practical  result,  that  you  see  me 
next  morning,  standing  in  the  parlor  facing  the  East. 
Prayer-book  is  in  hand,  and  I  am  adorned  with  my 
phylacteries.  Father  and  brother  Abraham  also 
were  there  in  similar  costume.  I  felt  consequentially 
devout.  I  would  not  miss  a  single  letter.  Father 
got  through  first  and  left  the  room.  I  noticed  that 
just  then  my  brother  began  to  take  off  his  "  Tefelen." 
I  took  the  hint  and  stopped  off  short.  Turning  to 
my  brother,  "Abe,"  whispered  I,  "what's  these 
things  for  ?  "  The  fact  that  he  gave  me  this  horrible 
answer,  is  my  apology  for  repeating  his  words. 
"  D — d  if  I  know,"  and  off  he  went.  And  so  did  I 
— it  might  have  been  as  if  shot.  I  confess  that  I 
was  led  to  indulge  some  ludicrous  reflections  relative 
to  the  peculiar  utility  of  these  unmeaning  things 
with  which  I  had  to  be  encumbered  every  day  of 
life.  'No  explanation  had  been  given  me.  JEnough 
for  me  to  know  that  I  7nust  wear  them.  I  well  re- 
member once  having  on  my  foreign  livery  and  being 
impelled  to  look  into  the  mirror.  The  effect  was 
so  ridiculous  that  I  laughed  right  out.  I  thought  I 
looked  like  a  clown  with  a  fool's  cap  on.  But  for 
the  sake  of  peace,  I  concluded  to  yield,  adopting, 
however,  my  l)rother's  provoked  yet  fearful  rejoinder. 

By  this  time  you  may  find  me  back  at  my  old 


MY   GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !    FOR   PHYLACTERIES.  75 

school  quarters  again.  I  really  felt  glad  to  meet  once 
more  my  former  companions  in  blind  bigotry.  Some 
of  us  had  grown  up  together  in  the  same  school  from 
childhood.  But,  being  "B'mitzvo"  now,  I  Avas  led 
to  regard  as  mere  youngsters  those  chums  who  were 
a  few  months  in  the  minority  relatively.  Many  a 
perplexing  congratulation  did  I  receive  because  I 
was  B'mitzvo.  I  couldn't  help  that.  But  nobody 
meant  any  barm.  Tlie  jokes  of  the  boys  at  least 
were  more  innocent  than  the  Sholum  alichem  of 
the  rabbins.  So  I  bore  everything  in  good  humor, 
save  once.  A  youngster  had  impro\ised  a  couplet 
badly  rhymed  or  tortured  in  orthography.  It  was 
in  allusion  to  that  delicate  matter,  the  appearance  of 
my  virgin  "  goose  down." 

"Had  a  good  time  B'mitzvo  Jonie? 
Wliy  didn't  yu  stay  till  yr  beard  be  gi'owne?" 

I  did  not  reply  to  this  fraternal  pleasantry,  and 
thus  in  a  few  days  I  was  permitted  to  study  on  as 
hard  as  ever  and  quite  as  unmolested.  In  lapse  of 
time  and  "  by  hook  or  by  crook,"  I  gathered  a  little 
light  upon  my  phylacteries,  but  I  never  learned  the 
full  truth  about  them  until  in  after  years  when  I 
read  Christian  books. 

IS'ow,  dear  reader,  I  want  you  to  promise  me  that 
you  will  open  your  Bible  and  read  where  I  refer 
you.  A  record  of  the  origin  of  phylacteries  is  un- 
known to  anybody.  The  Talmudical  Jews  found 
their  authority  on  two  portions  of  scripture.  These 
are,  Numbers  xv  :  37  to  the  end,  and  Deut.  vi :  8-9. 
Now,  nothing  can  be  plainer  to  an  unbiased  mind 
than  that  the  All-wise  designed  by  these  outward 


76  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

vestments  to  bring  constantly  before  tbe  minds  of 
his  people  their  great  duty  to  obey  all  the  precepts 
of  the  law.  The  priest's  peculiar  uniform,  as  well 
as  much  more  of  similar  character,  was  adapted  to 
the  condition  of  affairs  at  the  time  of  their  institu- 
tion. In  that  day  there  was  a  degree  of  intelligence 
which  regulated  Israel's  worship.  But  now,  meagre 
as  the  provision  may  appear  to  the  Christian,  yet  it 
is  true  that  the  Jews  look  upon  their  phylacteries  as 
a  kind  of  charm  to  keep  off"  infernal  spirits. 

Upwards  of  ^ve  hundred  years,  a  colony  of  Jews 
have  been  settled  in  the  Crimea.  They  are  called 
Karaites  by  the  Talmudists,  on  account  of  their  re- 
jection of  the  claims  of  the  Talmud  over  their  con- 
sciences, and  their  intelligent  adherence  to  the 
grammatical  construction  of  a  text  in  preference  to 
any  rabbinically  garbled  mystery.  They  do  not 
wear  Tefelen,  and  say  that  the  Talmudists,  in  wear- 
ing them,  are  "  bridled  asses."  But,  brother  Kara- 
ite, be  gentle.  I'm  not  responsible  for  the  accident 
of  birth;  yet  many  a  time  while  wearing  them  I 
have  agreed  with  you. 

I  propose  now  to  give  the  reader  a  brief  descrip- 
tion of  these  ''  spirit  drivers."  The  number  of  them 
18  Jive,  some  say  but  four.  The  first  is  called  M'zu- 
zah.  This  is  a  hollow  tube  nailed  on  the  right  side 
post  of  every  room  in  the  house.  Two  ''portions" 
are  enclosed,  namely,  Deut.  vi :  4-10,  and  xi :  13-21. 
These  are  soldered  in  forever;  the  word  "  Shaddai" 
alone  is  to  be  seen  through  an  opening  cut  in  the 
tin.  As  I  must  be  veiy  brief,  I  can  only  say  that 
ever}/  thing  connected  with  it  must  be  approved  by 


MY   GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !    FOR   PHYLACTERIES.  77 

the  rabbis,  even  to  the  two  small  nails  that  hold  it. 
IS'ow  when  a  Jew  leaves  a  room,  (some  say  passes 
either  way,)  he  must  touch  "  Shaddai,"  and  then  kiss 
the  favored  fingers.  He  must  never  remove  it,  un- 
der penalty  of  "  sudden  death  to  his  children,''  un- 
less a  Gentile  is  to  occupy  as  the  next  tenant ;  in 
that  case  he  must  remove  the — what  do  you  call  it  ? 

The  second  is  a  part  of  the  bridle,  called  "  Tsit- 
sitli ; "  the  Hebrew  letters  of  which  word  have  an 
aggregate  numerical  value  of  six  hundred.  This  is 
made  of  any  old  piece  of  fabric.  You  take  simply 
two  four-cornered  pieces  about  six  inches  long  either 
way,  and  unite  them  by  means  of  straps  long  enough 
to  rest  upon  either  shoulder,  so  as  to  allow  the 
squares  to  rest  one  against  the  breast  and  the  other 
opposite,  between  the  shoulders.  At  the  four  cor- 
ners are  fastened  fringes,  each  having  eight  threads 
knotted  in  rotation  five  times;  so  that,  8 +5 -f- 600= 
613,  you  have  the  number  of  precepts  the  rabbins 
say  are  in  the  Law. 

^Vlien  a  boy,  I  used  sometimes  to  say  to  my 
grandma,  "  AYhat  are  these  things  for  on  the  doors, 
grandma?"  "The  ^  Torahs  Mosha'  say  they  must 
be,  my  dear."  This  satisfied  me  then.  But  when  I 
became  "B'mitzvo" — a  man,  thirteen  years  old,  I 
felt  quite  competent  to  demand  of  wiser  heads, 
"  What  is  the  meaning  of  the  '  tsitsith  ? '  "  "  Torahs 
Mosha,  Laws  of  Moses,  require  it."  To  which  was 
added  a  monotone  admonition  to  the  eftoct  that 
*'  every  good  '  Yehudah'  wears  it  all  day  long  under 
his  clothes;  when,  therefore,  he  goes  abroad,  7io 
harm  can  come  to  him.^'     Of  course  I  did  not  ar^j-ue 


78  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

the  point,  but  concluded  rather  to  watch  for  the 
effects;  and  I  always  found  that  the  virtue  of  "  tsit- 
sith"  is  fully  as  prodigious  as  that  of  the  second 
part,  a  horse-shoe  nailed — not  on  the  hoof — ^but  on 
your  premises,  and  for  precisely  the  same  purpose. 
But  then,  I  was  as  ignorant  of  that  wonderful  arith- 
metical mystery,  8 -f  5+600=613  precepts,  as  I  was 
of  the  inside  of  the  M'zuzah,  or  first-named  phylac- 
tery.     But  rabbi  says  so  ! 

0  give  me  that  which  my  mind  digests,  that  warms 
my  heart,  and  makes  me  a  better  man.  I  have  it 
now  before  me,  and  my  heart  swells  ^dth  gratitude, 
my  eyes  grow  blind  \vith.  tears  of  worship,  as  I  read 
and  apply  to  my  heart  and  life  daily — not  six  hun- 
dred and  thirteen — but,  ''two  commandments"  on 
which  "  hang  all  the  law  and  the  prophets."  Bless- 
ed reduction  now  graciously  possible  of  fulfillment. 

The  third  part  is  called  "  Tallith,"  or  ''  Great  tal- 
lith."  It  is  a  large  cloth,  suflicient  to  cover  the 
whole  upper  part  of  the  body.  The  fringes  at  the 
corners  are  of  the  same  sort  as  those  mentioned 
above.  The  rabbins  say  that  it  must  be  made* of 
white  lamb's  wool.  This  is  formally  kissed  on  the 
upper  centre  piece  (which  is  generally  ornamented,) 
and  then  thrown  over  the  head  at  the  time  of  prayer, 
but  suffered  to  slip  down  and  rest  on  the  shoulders 
ill  warm  weather.  It  has  five  broad  stripes  along 
the  lower  edge,  to  remind  you  that  there  are  five 
books  of  Moses,  the  "  Toralis  Mosha."  Every  ope- 
ration in  its  manufacture  must  be  performed  by 
Jewish  hands.  The  wool  is  to  be  entirely  shorn, 
not  a  single  particle  being  pulled  off  the  animal. 


MY   GREAT    DAY. — IIO  !    FOR    PHYLACTERIES.  79 

The  animal  itself  must  be  aj^proved  by  a  rabbi,  and 
slaugbtercd  ceremoniously  by  a  Jew.  Only  one 
tiling  (a  sad  deficiency)  mars  all  this — ^but  Judaism 
is  excusable  for  that,  because  the  rabbins  could  not 
remedy  the  sore  evil — the  lamb  could  not  bleat  in 
Hebrew.  Alas !  poor  Ba-ah,  thy  bleating  well  termi- 
nates in  an  ah ! 

The  remaining  two  parts  of  the  "  bridle "  are  so 
much  alike^  that  I  will,  for  brevity's  sake,  speak  of 
them  together.  The  first  is  called  "  Rosch,"  head, 
the  other  "  Yadh,"  designating  the  arm  and  "hand.'' 
They  are  small,  square  boxes,  made  of  parchment  or 
vellum,  which  have  deposited  in  them  detached  por- 
tions of  the  Law,  and  are  firmly  closed.  Fine  calf- 
skin loops  are  attached,  one  for  the  head  to  go 
through,  and  there  are  also  two  long  thongs  which 
hang  down  in  front  on  either  side,  while  the  box 
itself  rests  directly  on  the  forehead  between  the  eyes. 
The  other  loop  is  for  the  left  arm,  whitih  is  bared. 
The  loop  being  drawn  tight  enough  to  sufier  the 
second  box  to  rest  on  front  of  the  arm  above  the 
elbow,  the  thong  is  then  wrapped  around  the  arm 
ten  times,  being  thus  brought  to  the  tenth  letter  of 
the  alphabet,  "  Yod  " — a  sacred  letter  when  doubled. 
The  remainder  of  the  thong  is  laid  about  the  hand  in 
the  shape  of  the  letter  "  Shin."  The  same  letter  is 
stamped  on  the  sides  of  the  boxes.  It  is  the  first 
letter  of  "  Shaddai,"  Almighty,  found  on  the  "  M'zu- 
zah." 

The  Jew  attaches  an  undue  importance  to  these 
silly  things.  Even  now  may  be  seen,  as  I  have  actu- 
ally surveyed,  scores  of  the  boxes,  made  quite  large 


80  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

and  then  worn  enclosed  in  a  thin  brass  case.  The 
bulky  dimensions  of  the  phylacteries  render  their 
use  ridiculous  in  the  extreme,  and  it  is  a  great  mar- 
vel that  so  many  very  inteUigent  men,  to  be  met  in 
the  Jewish  ranks,  continue  blindly  to  insult  the  ever 
blessed  Jehovah  with  such  nonsensical  stuff.  And 
our  discerning  Jesus  administered  a  fair  reproof 
when  he  said,  "  All  their  works  they  do,  to  be  seen 
of  men:  they  make  broad  their  phylacteries,  and 
enlarge  the  borders  of  their  garment."  Matthew 
xxiii:  25. 

This  is  the  meaning  of  the  word  itself,  as  "Webster 
gives  it;  "in  a  general  sense  any  charm,  spell,  or 
amulet,  worn  as  a  preservative  from  danger  or  dis- 
ease," is  a  phylactery. 

But  while  it  is  true  that  not  one  Jewish  boy  in 
^YQ  hundred  either  knows  or  cares  what  good  there 
is  inside  of  these,  or  of  what  advantage  they  are  as 
put  on  the  outside  of  his  body,  all  and  each  wear 
tliem  daily,  not  daring  to  neglect  them  through  fear 
that  "  something  might  turn  up." 

Thus  it  was  with  myself  all  the  time  I  wore  them, 
and  when  in  after  years  I  began  to  neglect  them,  I 
acted  like  a  would-be  Christian  whiskey-tipler,  sneak- 
ing from  the  eye  of  man  to  indulge  his  sinful  (!)  pro- 
pensity. 

But  now  I  am  the  Lord's  free  man.  Thirty-four 
years  ago,  I  laid  aside  both  phylacteries  and  alcohol. 
Since  then  I  have  found  no  use  for  either:  they  are 
bcjth  alike  delusive  and  treacherous.  In  Jesus  Christ 
I  have  not  received  the  spirit  of  bondage  again  to 
fear,  l>ut  I  have   received   the   spirit  of  adoption, 


MY   GREAT   DAY. — IIO  !    FOR   PHYLACTERIES.  81 

whereby  I   cry,   Abba,   (that  is,   Father.)     O,  luy 
Heavenly  Father,  see   my  tears,  hear   my   prayer, 
save,  0  save  the  Jews ! 
6 


CHAPTER  IX. 

PROGRESS,    ALIAS    RETROGRESSION. 

Since  I  last  informed  you,  dear  reader,  that  I  had 
returned  to  my  school,  one  entire  year  of  school-time 
has  again  rolled  around.  I  have  been  home  once,  and 
now,  at  my  fourteenth  year,  I  am  to  spend  my  birth- 
day at  home,  bidding  a  final  and  not  reluctant  adieu 
to  boarding-school.  The  Passover  festival  being 
ended,  the  question  of  a  disposition  of  me  for  the 
future  was  very  seriously  considered  by  my  dear 
father.  I  confess  that  I  demurred  at  the  idea  of 
returning  to  a  Jewish  school,  and  my  reasons  were 
mostly  buried  in  the  mental  reservation  I  preserved. 
I  pleaded,  however,  that  I  had  enough  Hebrew  to 
carry  me  to  Heaven,  and  I  wanted  to  advance  in  my 
English  studies.  In  consequence  of  my  afiiiction, 
father  was  grievously  at  a  loss  to  know  what  he  had 
best  do  with  poor  me.  It  was  my  own  wish  to 
attend  for  some  tinie  yet  a  high  school  at  home. 
An  indulgent  parent  was  not  long  deciding  to  let 
me  have  my  own  way ;  so  climbing  over  his  con- 
science, he  sent  me  to  a  first-class  Gentile  school  in 
London  to  finish  (as  he  said)  my  education.  This 
was  a  great  advance  in  my  life. 

But  here  new  difiiculties  started  into  existence. 
One  was  the  fact  that  my  prejudices  were  already 

82 


PROGRESS,   alias   RETROGRESSION.  83 


immovably  fixed.  How  could  /  submit  to  Gentile 
rule  ?  Another  was  my  attachment  for  the  "  good  (?) 
old  way."  There  was  still  another.  They  used  to 
read  prayers  (not  the  Bible)  at  opening  and  closing 
Off  school.  This  difficulty,  however,  was*  overcome 
by  a  forced  consent,  by  late  attendance,  and  early 
retirement,  so  that  my  deaf  ears  were  not  offended 
by  the  name — Christ.  To  facilitate  this  arrange- 
ment, my  desk  was  isolated.  This  mana)uvre,  how- 
ever, soon  rendered  me  conspicuous;  so  being  the 
only  Jew  in  the  school,  I  was  subjected  to  a  great 
deal  of  taunt  and  derision.  All  petty  vexations  I 
endured  peaceably.  But  when  the  boys  resorted  to 
the  persecuting  medium  so  familiar  to  the  vulgar, 
whose  little  souls  cannot,  bear  the  idea  of  allowing  a 
man  to  possess  his  God-given,  inalienable  right 
simply  because  he  is  forsooth  a  Jew — ^when  they 
invoked  the  assistance  of  the  hog  as  their  ally,  and 
fiung  at  me  in  the  open  air  their  pestiferous  shouts ; 

*'  I  had  a  piece  of  pork, 
And  I  stuck  it  on  a  fork, 
«  «  *  «  *» 

Then  it  was  that  I  began  to  realize  that  I  detested 
Christians.  Such  odious  repetitions  made  me  peev- 
ish and  distant,  and  turning  upon  my  mock-heroic 
comrades  a  look  of  unutterable  disdain,  I  retorted 
"wdth  a  deep  curse,  calling  them  "  Sons  of  the  hanged 
one  J'     Surely  I  had  not  forgotten  Margate ! 

I  do  not  remember  how  long  I  remained  at  this 
school,  but  it  was  not  so  long  as  it  otherwise  would 
have  been,  Wlien  I  left,  it  was  to  try  the  experi- 
ment over  again  elsewhere  with  somewhat  better 


84  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

results.  In  process  of  time,  however,  I  bid  adieu 
entirely  to  schools  both  Jewish  and  Gentile.  I  at, 
last  grew  tired  of  books ;  so  I  laid  them  all  aside, 
never  for  a  moment  dreaming  that  in  less  than  five 
years  from  that  time,  I  should  be  commanded  by  the 
Eternal  Jehovah — blessed  be  His  name — to  take  hold 
on  them  again,  with  scores  of  others  of  a  loftier  char- 
acter, and  study  them  night  and  day,  that  I  might 
qualify  myself  to  be  a  viccn'  in  a  church,  holding  out 
the  cross  of  my  ever-adorable,  ever-glorious  Jesus. 

My  hatred  for  Christians,  meanwhile,  became 
greater  than  ever,  although  I  was  by  no  means  blind 
to  the  serious  defects  of  Judaism.  E'or  was  I  with- 
out lively  anxiety,  and  some  inquiry  even,  as  to  how 
I  could  mend  the  matter.  -In  imagination,  I  applied 
many  a  vain  remedy.  *  Sometimes  I  attributed  the 
existing  imperfections  to  my  want  of  discernment. 
Then  I  would  look  about  me  for  one,  if  but  one 
faithful  follower  of  Moses ;  but  all  in  vain.  "Wlien, 
therefore,  I  could  not  find  a  single  Mosaic  ceremony 
observed  according  to  the  original  pattern,  I  des- 
paired outright.  Thus,  admitting  Moses  himself  to 
be  the  judge,  and  looking  not  beyond  his  dispensa- 
tion, eveiy  Jew  in  the  world  stands  condemned ! 

As  the  storm-beaten  mariner  will  rush  to  the 
nearest  port,  so  acted  I  in  my  perplexity. 

"To  Sinai's  flery  mount  I  fled"; 
It  poured  its  curses  on  my  head." 

But  I  knew  no  other  refuge !  With  such  a  pros- 
pect before  me,  I  suffered  as  if  out  of  time  the  pen- 
alty of  an  anxious  but  rayless  mind.  "Wliat  was  I  to 
do  ?    From  no  earthly  source  could  I  derive  light  or 


PROGRESS,   alias   RETROGRESSION.  85 

instruction.  Einding  myself  in  such  a  dilemma,  I 
was  compelled  to  be  as  much  as  possible  at  rest  in 
my  ignorance.  Hemmed  in  on  every  side,  my  only 
available  refuge  was  to  take  advantage  of  my  life- 
long training,  and  settle  down  confidently,  satisfied 
in  my  "blood  relation"  to  Abraham  as  availing  me 
for  salvation. 

Enjoying  affluence  and  improved  health,  with 
rapidly  advancing  maturity  of  years,  I  was  like  the 
fabled  viper  which,  when  restored  in  pity's  bosom  to 
warmth  and  life,  turned  against  its  cherishing  friend 
and  bit  remorselessly  his  dear  children.  Thus  I 
misimproved  the  blessings  with  which  my  kind 
Heavenly  Father  had  surrounded  me.  I  launched 
into  guilty  extremes,  yielding  to  the  desires  of  my 
wicked  heart,  now  most  devoutly  engaged  in  the 
service  of  sin.  I  hungered  after  vice ;  with  greedi- 
ness I  devoured  it,  solacing  myself  by  the  reflection 
that  one  no  less  than  Abraham's  son  will  certainly 
be  finally  saved.  But  for  me  there  was  no  reprover. 
"With  propriety  I  might  have  confronted  the  thirty 
thousand  Jews  at  that  time  in  the  city  of  London, 
and  demanded :  If  one  of  your  number,  whether  he 
be  a  rabbi  or  a  layman,  in  his  own  conscience  actu- 
ally knows  himself  to  be  any  better  than  I,  let  him 
come  forward  and  give  me  the  very  first  genuino 
reproof,  or  "  cast  the  first  stone." 

A  stringent  law  which  lies  on  the  shelf  as  a  dead 
letter  in  the  statute  book,  is  an  incubus  upon  society. 
And  if  we  apply  this  to  Judaism,  we  only  set  Ibrth 
a  fact,  for  here  exist  general  rules,  a  gigantic  code 
of  ethics,  containing  in  detail  six  hundred  and  thir- 


86  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

teen  precepts,  every  one  of  which  is  but  feebly  en- 
forced, or  (more  truthfully  speaking)  is  not  enforced 
at  all.  ]S"ay,  when  this  general  statute  is  actually 
violated  with  glaring  impunity  by  the  very  men  who 
should  force  obedience,  not  by  precept  only,  but  by 
their  example,  and  who  loudly  profess  to  do  so,  is  it 
any  wonder  that  I,  a  giddy  boy,  should  follow  in 
their  track,  by  a  less  dishonorable  because  open  dis- 
regard of  all  that  is  truthful,  good,  and  pure  ?  There- 
fore there  followed  a  consequent  recklessness  of  the 
claims  of  practical  Judaism.  Hence,  one  by  one, 
my  daily  round  of  religious  ceremonies  was  laid 
aside.     "  Dust  to  dust." 

A  first  liberty  was  taken  with  my  "  Tefelen.'' 
Those  useless  and  unmeaning  baubles  !  I  determined 
that  at  least  I  would  not  longer  be  a  "-Bridled  ass" 
for  their  sake.  This  violation  of  the  rabbinical  bull 
precipitated  an  unreasonable  and  senseless  reproof. 
In  time,  all  the  ceremonies  of  my  religion  grew  more 
tiresome  than  ever,  and  I  resolved  to  invent  new 
pretexts  for  their  entire  neglect.  In  this  way,  while 
I  was  obliged  to  do  as  others  did,  to  all  outward 
appearance,  the  very  last  vestige  of  sanctity  gradu- 
ally wore  itself  out.  The  cause  of  this  may  be  the 
better  understood  when  it  is  known  that,  step  by 
step  I  descended  the  ladder  of  iniquity,  until  I  be- 
came completely  baptized  in  desire  for  giddy  amuse- 
ments, so  that  I  could  no  longer  find  time  to  read  my 
prayers.  And  when  at  seasons  I  was  obliged  to  give 
time,  the  work  of  an  hour  was  gone  over  in  ten  min- 
utes. True,  I  trembled  for  the  consequences. — 
Though  I  had  no  fear  of  God,  yet  I  dreaded  my 


PROGRESS,  alias  retrogression.  87 

father's  liasty  temper.  My  fears  were  shortly  real- 
ized, for  as  soon  as  father  found  out  that  I  neglected 
prayers,  and  particularly  Tefelen,  he  flew  into  a 
hurricane  of  rage  at  me,  and  with  many  a  terrible 
oath,  gave  vent  to  his  ungovernable  passion.  Down 
on  my  confused  pate  he  poured  freely  a  father's 
curse;  but  he  did  not  dream  that  he  was  cursing 
whom  Jehovah  blessed. 

A  little  reasoning  and  an  intelligent  reproof  would 
doubtless  have  had  a  salutary  effect  upon  me.  But 
the  startling  manner  in  which  I  was  disposed  of,  ori- 
ginated in  my  mind  the  gravest  doubts  as  to  my 
father's  sincerity.  I  learned  in  fact  to  swear  as  hard 
as  he  was  accustomed  to  do.  This  circumstance, 
connected  with  many  others,  had  a  strong  tendency 
to  mollify  my  favorable  prejudices ;  so  much  so  that 
I  gradually  grew  more  unscrupulous  than  ever. 

The  Autumn  was  approaching,  only  to  increase 
my  dread.  Hitherto  I  had  strictly  kept  all  the  fasts 
of  the  year,  especially  the  one  now  approaching, 
called  "  Yom  Kepur,"  or  "  Kopher,"  (covering,)  so- 
called  because  on  that  day  the  sins  of  the  past  year 
are  to  be  "  covered."  The  Law  appointed  but  one 
fast  to  be  observed.  It  occurred  on  the  tenth  day 
of  the  seventh  month.  See  Lev.  xvi :  29.  But  from 
the  time  of  the  Prophet  Zechariah,  or  about  five 
hundred  and  twenty  years  before  Christ,  the  Jews 
reckoned  in  three  more.  However,  I  am  to  speak 
of  this  one  only.  It  arrives  at  the  end  of  September, 
and  sometimes  runs  into  October.  Great  preparar 
tions  of  both  a  moral  and  a  commercial  character 
are  very  rigidly  enforced  several  days  (some  say, 


88  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

nine)  previous  to  the  great  day.  All  Jews  endeavor 
to  settle  out-lying  disputes  of  every  possible  nature. 
Concessions  and  restitutions  are  liberally  made,  and 
forgiveness  is  everywhere  extended.  This  is  indeed 
a  very  pure  quality  of  morality,  and  although  yoked 
to  a  religion  unworthy  of  it,  in  itself  challenges  the 
imitation  of  every  Christian  on  earth.  This  also 
may  account  for  the  commendatory  fact  so  univer- 
sally conceded  by  every  intelligent  magistrate  of  the 
land,  that  the  Jew  as  a  foreigner  is  everywhere  a 
peace-making  and  law-abiding,  inexpensive,  and 
profitable  citizen. 

On  the  afternoon  of  the  ninth  day,  they  prepare 
for  the  ordeal  by  receiving  an  extra  meal,  which  is 
all  that  dare  be  taken  until  the  sunset  of  the  morrow 
or  tenth  day.  The  rabbins  forbid  so  much  as  a  drop 
of  water !  Thus  they  represent  the  command,  "  Ye 
shall  afflict  your  souls.''  However  negligent  of  re- 
ligious duties  one  may  have  been  during  the  past 
year,  he  must  be  sure  at  this  time  to  be  on  hand. 
The  synagogues  in  the  whole  world,  therefore,  are 
crowded  to  suiFocation.  This  circumstance,  in  con- 
nection with  the  numerous  extra  illuminations,  ren- 
der the  atmosphere  very  offensive. 

Many  of  the  men  remain  with  the  rabbins  all 
night  in  the  synagogue ;  the  wiser  part,  however,  go 
to  their  beds.  The  whole  twenty-four  hours  are 
strictly  given  to  religion.  During  the  day,  the  pray- 
ers of  the  whole  year,  besides  the  extra  ones  for  the 
occasion,  are  read.  Chanting  the  Law,  singing  mel- 
odies, making  large  contributions  for  benevolent 
objects,  (always  remembering  the  poor  Jews  of  Ju- 


PROGRESS,  alias  retrogression.  89 

dca)  fervent  prayer,  especially  for  Jerusalem  (while 
not  one  in  a  thousand  ever  thinks  ahout  its  topoi^- 
raphy)  and  the  usual  auction  mart  for  sacred  privi- 
leges, with  other  unmeaning  ceremonies,  in  number 
unmentionable,  constitute  the  sin-pardoning  services 
of  the  great  "  day  of  Atonement."  At  sunset  the 
"  Raaf,"  or  Chief  Rabbi,  blows  through  a  horn  in- 
strument the  peculiar  sound  called,  I  think,  "  Teke- 
ah,"  as  a  signal  or  permission  to  go  home  and — do 
as  you  have  ever  done,  till  the  next  cover-all  rolls 
around. 

As  the  day  approached,  I  found  my  mind  growing 
more  distracted  every  hour.  Shall  I  keep  this  fast  ? 
I  always  had  instinctively  dreaded  the  dreadful  day. 
But  now  I  was  intelligently  looking  about  me  to  find 
where  the  good  results  were  to  be  seen.  I  found 
none,  none !  While  I  am  yet  deliberating,  with 
mind  almost  unsettled,  lo,  the  very  day  is  at  hand. 
Conscience  demanded  that  I  should  decide  quickly. 
I  complied.  It  was  with  an  emphatic  no.  That  no 
settled  matters — but  not  without  management. 

It  was  a  terrible  conclusion ;  and  secrecy  must  be 
observed,  yes,  for  the  sake  of  my  trembling  bones. 
I  could  not  carry  out  my  arrangements,  however, 
except  by  confiding  in  our  two  Gentile  servants. 
They  laughed  merely  and  at  once  promised  to  help 
me.  For  their  own  sakes  I  felt  they  would  keep  my 
life-cause  secure. 

On  the  first  evening  in  the  synagogue,  I  did  well 
enough.  Father  resolved  to  remain  all  night.  The 
rest  of  us  went  home,  after  brother  and  I  had  re- 
ceived strict  orders  to  be  in  our  places  early  next 


90  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

morning.  I  advanced  the  universal  good  sentiment, 
"  I  wish  you  well  over  your  fast,'*  bidding  good 
night,  and  now  "  to-bed-we-go."  How  I  laughed 
between  the  sheets  at  my  well-matured,  hypocritical 
plans!  But  I  slept  soundly  as  a  tired  boy,  and 
did  not  (strange  to  note)  even  dream  of  a  hungry 
stomach.  The  morning  came  on  time.  I  arose  very 
early,  and  secured  a  good  breakfast,  so  that  by  the 
time  the  family  were  all  dressed,  I  was  peculiarly 
ready,  and  we  all  went  to  the  synagogue  together. 
I  did  not  pray  for  an  emetic  this  time.  Oh,  no ! 
My  breakfast  clung  to  its  quarters  as  stubbornly  as 
the  Margate  pork  had  failed  to  do. 

My  younger  sister  soon  complained.  Poor  girl, 
she  needed  her  breakfast.  She  Avas  really  too  deli- 
cate for  such  a  starvation  pennance.  Still,  "  hold  on, 
Selin,  this  is  *  Yom  Kopher.' "  In  hole-y  silence, 
we  walked  to  the  synagogue,  which  we  all  reached, 
feelinsr  so  sick — of  course  I  had  to  feim  beins^  sick 
too,  very  sick. 

The  ladies  dragged  themselves  upstairs  to  their 
gallery  prison,  while  I  walked  erect  among  crowds 
of — other  men — to  my  seat.  There  was  my  dear 
ftither,  A\dtli  phylacteries  nobly  on,  looldng  awf ally 
woe-be-gone;  tired,  sick,  faint,  and  sleepy.  "  Sho- 
lum  Alichem,"  said  I.  But  it  awoke  no  reply.  A 
look  full  of  language,  a  shake  of  the  head,  and  a 
pinch  of  snuif,  was  the  significant  answer. 

About  ten  o'clock  the  ladies  went  home.  Poor 
slaves,  but  not  of  appetite — not  yet.  No,  for  they 
were  so  hungry.  Still,  they  dare  not  eat.  At  noon, 
I  proposed  to  my  father  that  I  go  home  to  see  how  the 


PROGRESS,   alias   RETROGRESSION.  91 

ladies  were  getting  along  ;  to  Avhicli  he  assented.  But 
my  real  object  was  to  get  my  dinner,  which  I 
assure  you,  dear  reader,  I  made  sure  of  before  I 
returned. 

On  reaching  home,  I  found  all  the  ladies  a-bed. 
"  Sholum  Alichem,"  shouted  I.  "  Very  sick,"  was 
by  no  means  Ilebraistically  replied.  "  0  you  hypo- 
crites," I  cried,  "•  this  is  the  way  you  fast  for  your 
year's  sins,  is  it  ?  In  bed  all  day ;  sleeping  it  off,  eh? 
You  hypocrites!"  "Very  sick,  I'm  very  sick," 
came  the  apology  in  concert.  Poor  creatures,  how 
much  I  pitied  them.  But,  as  misery  likes  company, 
their  sympathies  moved  them  to  inquire  after  father 
and  everybody  else,  almost.  Of  course,  they  were 
sick — so  ivas  7,  apparently.  Taking  leave  of  my 
impenitent  relations,  I  returned  to  the  synagogue, 
feeling  fully  conscious  that  I  was  not  playing  the 
hypocrite  against  the  Almighty,  but  against  a  reli- 
gion, in  itself  unmeaning,  and  by  the  Lord  unwar- 
ranted, because  in  it  I  could  not  trace  the  religion 
of  Moses. 

Seated  again,  I  now  consoled  myself  with  the 
weW-substantiated  belief  that  I  could  stand  it  until 
supper  time,  as  Avell  as  any  of  my  less  favored  Ye- 
hudahs. 

Surveying  the  synagogue,  the  scene  appeared 
doleful.  All  was  confusion.  There  were  in  tluit 
one  house  more  than  fifteen  hundred  "  persons,"  or 
if  we  include  the  women,  it  would  be  fair  to  say  two 
thousand,  all  (minus  one)  starving  their  bodies  for 
the  fancied  good  of  their  souls.  Dressed  in  phylac- 
teries, some  taking  snuff;  others  were  talking  over 


92  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

business  matters;  others  again  were  laughing  at 
their  sick  neighbors :  some  swore  that  they  were  a 
httle  hungry,  and  wished  for  the  night.  Their  critic 
played  in  a*  sense  the  h^^ocrite.  Pressing  on  to 
father's  side  I  felt  really  sad  at  seeing  how  distressed 
he  appeared,  which  he  perceiving,  returned  a  corres- 
ponding sympathetic  glance,  supposing — ^liow  truly 
— that  I  was  as  sick  as  everybody  else.  For  I  was 
sick,  but  »ick  of  farces. 

In  due  time  the  welcome  sound  of  the  cornet  was 
heard.  At  once  the  fast  ended.  The  sound  had 
scarcely  died  away,  when  the  whole  legion  rushed 
in  confusion  to  the  door.  It  was  exactly  like  rush- 
ing off  from  a  steamer,  after  a  sea-sick  voyage. 

At  home,  soon  reached,  we  found  everything  most 
bountiful,  and  quite  ready  for  our  reception.  Those 
wicked.  Gentile  daughters  of  the  "  hanged  one  "  had 
certainly  done  a  very  handsome  thing  for  us^  they 
had  been  doing  all  day  for  me.  The  lights  were 
brilliant,  and  the  supper  in  every  respect  grand 
enough,  shall  I  say,  for  the  royal  family. 

In  a  few  minutes  all  hands  were  hard  at  it,  mak- 
ing up  evidently  for  lost  time.  Somehow  I  ate 
comparatively  little;  in  perfect  silence  too.  I  was 
certainly  an  object  for  general  pity.  The  impression 
was,  that  I  had  suffered  so  much  during  the  day  that 
I  was  actually  too  sick  to  eat.  ILj  sins  were  par- 
doned :  that  was  now  beyond  question.  After  sup- 
per all  retired  to  bed,  glad  unmistakably  that  the 
day  of  voluntary  famine  was  at  length  ended,  and 
congratulating  each  other  that  "  Yom  Kopher" 
comes  but  once  a  year. 


PROGRESS,  alias  retrogression.  93 

1  do  not  propose  to  apologize  for  what  I  have 
written.  Yet  I  am  aware  that  I  give  olicnce  to  my 
ewish  brother  who  may  read  this  book.  He  will 
be  offended  upon  two  accounts:  first,  because  I 
slighted  the  day,  and  secondly,  because  I  am  bokl  in 
speaking  about  this.  But  who  should  be  blamed  ? 
Jjct  my  Jewish  brother  look  at  the  fact,  that  every 
boy  is  constrained,  even  compelled  to  observe  it, 
under  penalty. 

Then  let  him  also  look  at  the  long  chain  of  ex- 
ercises, both  tedious  and  unmeaning  to  him.  !N^ow, 
I  ask  is  there  one  wide-awake  boy  in  a  thousand 
who  would  not  do  as  I  did,  if  he  could  ?  Aye  that 
would  he,  and  very  many  prove  it,  and  then  charge 
the  whole  bill  to  their  fathers  and  rabbis.  I  am 
hoping  moreover  to  accomplish  two  things.  One 
is,  to  show  that  the  error  in  my  early  education  led 
me  on  step  by  step,  until  I  fairly  awoke  to  the  soph- 
istry and  fallacy  of  the  whole  system.  As  a  second 
good,  I  hope,  by  the  blessing  of  God,  to  arouse  some 
of  my  Jewish  brethren  to  the  truth,  that  they  never 
can  make  atonement  to  God  for  their  sins  by  all  the 
ceremonies  of  "  Yom  Kopher,"  though  endlessly- 
repeated — never. 

O  Israel,  you  cannot  tell  why  it  is  that  the  clouds 
have  not  rained  upon  your  heritage  for  nearly  two 
thousand  years.  You  see  that  your  vineyard  is 
trodden  down ;  the  wild  boar  of  the  woods  has  rav- 
aged it ;  you  behold  the  tents  of  strangers  pitched 
there;, owls  mourn  there;  Satyrs  dance  there.  You 
see,  you  know  that  the  frowns  of  Almighty  God 
gather  darkly  over  it.     Yet  do  you  persistantly  in- 


94  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

terpret  all  in  your  favor.  0  Israel,  lohere  is  your 
sceptre  ?  Seek  for  it,  and  you  will  yet  find  it  in  the 
hands  of  the  true  "  Shiloli,"  Jesus  Christ,  the  off- 
spring of  David,  who  alone  has  made  atonement  on 
your  own  Calvary,  and  that  once  for  all. 


CHAPTER  X. 

OFF    THE    TRACK    ALTOGETHER. 

If  it  be  weakness  to  confess  that  the  night  after 
"  Yom  Kopher"  was  a  decidedly  restless  one,  then 
I  am  certainly  very  weak.  My  conscience  stung  me 
with  severe  compunctions.  As  a  drowning  man 
thinks  of  everything  in  the  conscious  struggling  with 
death,  so  I  lay  upon  my  bed,  reviewing  the  past  and 
present.  All  the  future  was  as  dark  as  the  past  was 
blank.  I  tried  to  think  of  something  tangible,  in 
either  my  religion  or  my  sin.  I  would  have  given 
mines  of  gold  for  one  little  ray  of  light.  All  at  once 
it  came  to  me.  Yes,  the  wished-for  ray  did  come. 
But  alas,  it  did  not  come  from  the  right  source !  it 
was  nothing  but  rabbinical  moon-shine,  after  all. 

I  had  been  taught  to  turn  my  face  toward  the 
East  every  day,  and  once  a  month  to  face  about  and 
worship  the  new  moon !  I  did  it  at  home  when  a 
child.  I  did  it  at  school  in  boyhood,  and  well  I 
remembered  how  much  contumely  we  used  to  heap 
on  that  farcical  idolatry.  One  evening  the  announce- 
ment was  made  that  the  school  would  stand  in  a 
group  facing  the  new  moon.  I  happened  not  to  hear 
it.  Boys  passing  in  a  hurry,  shouted,  ^'  Hurry  up, 
Jonie,  the  moon  will  bo  gone."  What's  up  ?  I  ran 
too,  shouting,  what's  up?     "The  new  moon,  you 

95 


96  AUTO-BIOGKAPIIY. 

fool  you,  don't  you  see  it,  up  there?"  said  one, 
pointing  with  his  finger.  "  0,  ah,  y-e-s."  Rabbi 
held  a  lighted  candle  and  read  a  prayer  to  the — new 
moon.  AVe  who  were  in  the  rear,  however,  offered 
ours  extemporaneously.  First  a  push,  then  a  pinch, 
tlien  a  prayer. 

"I  see  the  moon.    The  moon  sees  me 
God  bless  the  moon.    And  God  bless  me." 

This  recurrence  at  once  threw  me  into  a  fit  of 
laughter,  so  I  fell  asleep.  I  was  quite  late  in  rising 
next  morning ;  I  had  slept  so  soundly.  During  the 
day  I  refl.ected  a  great  deal,  and  before  night  con- 
cluded that  I  had  not  at  all  wronged  God,  but  only 
cheated  the  Jews ;  so  if  I  could  only  keep  my  past 
day's  conduct  secret  from  them^  I  would  be  safe 
enough  as  to  results.  My  origin,  at  all  events,  could 
not  be  annulled.  This  placed  me  upon  a  footing 
with  the  rest  of  my  brethren,  who  had  fasted.  Thus 
I  also  was  virtually  a  white- washed  sinner,  prepared, 
like  the  rest,  for  another  year's  experiment. 

By  some  means,  however,  my  roguery  leaked  out. 
Still  I  escaped  censure,  until  after  I  had  embraced 
Christianity,  when  with  many  a  bitter  oath,  my 
father  charged  that  day's  sin  upon  me,  as  one  of  the 
darkest  evidences  of  my  downfall.  Experience,  the 
most  thorough  of  schoolmasters,  so  exposed  to  me 
the  errors  of  "  Judaism,"  that  ultimately  the  whole 
system  seemed  to  be  nothing  but  Judaism  in  mim- 
icry. 

In  time,  I  even  doubted  if  there  was  such  a  thing 
as  religion  at  all ;  but  was  ready  to  yield  the  palm  to 
Judaism,  if  there  were  faith  on  the  earth.     If  there 


OFF   THE   TRACK   ALTOGETHER.  97 

be  but  one  God,  he  is  assuredly  the  God  of  the  Jews, 
reasoned  I.  Yet  here  is  a  rehgion  professing  that 
its  origin  is  Heavenly,  though  agreeing  with  its 
founder  in  not  a  single  particular,  unless  we  except 
the  bare  rite  of  circumcision.  On  the  contrary,  it  is 
fall  of  bigotry  and  superstition,  and  withal  is  main- 
tained by  a  people  professing  to  be  God's  peculiar 
treasure,  while  swearing  with  impunity,  blaspheming 
the  name  of  the  Lord  most  appallingly,  upon  the 
most  trifling  occasions  too,  and  anathematizing  all 
other  religions  that  do  not  wear  its  peculiar,  but  un- 
serviceable harness.  As  a  people  they  fall  very  far 
short  of  what  they  seem  to  be — they  too,  who  are 
the  only  ones  who  have  any  right  either  to  be  or 
seem  to  be  at  all.  Can  there  then  possibly  exist 
such  a  thing  as  religion  ?  Such  were  my  gloomy 
reflections.  I  trembled.  Still  I  had  a  chance  for 
my  life.  I  w^ould  hang  to  a  button  of  Abraham's 
coat  with  one  hand,  and  to  a  single  hair  of  Moses, 
(not  Esau)  with  the  other.  So  that,  after  I  shall 
have  spent  a  life  in  infidelity,  I  will  yet  find  that 
Judaism  is  true,  I  shall  then  be  able  to  draw  myself 
near  to  the  law^,  and  on  the  other  hand  plead  my 
Abrahamic  origin  :  when,  lo,  I  am  saved  !  Happy 
expedient ;  so  for  the  time  being,  get  out  of  my  way, 
so-called  religion ! 

I  remained  some  time  in  this  state  of  mind,  coast- 
ing around,  but  not  daring  to  launch  out  into  the 
open  sea  of  infidelity,  through  fear  of  something,  I 
knew  not  what,  and  meanwhile  believing  tranquilly 
that  I  was  sure  of  salvation  in  any  issue.  Yet  I 
feared,  I  trembled.  In  me  was  consciously  verified 
7 


98  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

the  text,  "  The  wicked  flee  when  no  man  pursueth." 
Thus  I  continued  to  trifle  with  religion  from  the 
borders  of  infidehty,  until  at  last  I  fairly  marched 
forth  into  open  rebellion  against  the  very  God  of 
Heaven. 

One  day  as  I  walked  abroad,  my  attention  was 
arrested  by  a  very  large  poster  printed  with  red  ink, 
announcing  that  the  "  Eev.  Kobert  Taylor"  was  de- 
livering a  course  of  lectures  in  the  Rotunda,  on  Black 
Friar's  bridge  road,  upon  the  Bible.  "  There  is  no 
God  of  either  Jews  or  Christians."  Such  was  the 
motto  endorsed  by  the  singular  placard. 

My  heart  leaped  with  emotion,  as  I  read  the  awful 
advertisement.  Here,  blasphemed  I,  is  the  truth  of 
the  whole  matter :  there  is  no  God,  no  such  thing 
either  as  religion  :  I'll  go  to  hear  Robert  Taylor,  he's 
the  man  for  me.  A  little  further  on  was  another 
mammoth  poster :  "  Going  to  raise  the  devil  to-night 
at  the  Rotunda."  This  looked  like  trifling,  but  I 
determined  on  going  to  see,  to  see  if  need  be,  the 
very  devil  raised.  At  the  time  appointed  I  was  on 
my  way  to  the  place,  not,  however,  without  very 
serious  misgivings.  On  arriving  there  my  attention 
was  arrested  by  another  mammoth  poster,  flaunting 
the  inevitable,  "  Going  to  raise  the  devil  to-night." 
An  instinctive  dread  seized  me  as  if  by  material 
force.  Ah! — said  an  impulse — ^you  have  learned 
liow  to  trifle  with  God,  but  you  are  in  earnest  with 
llie  Devil.  Don't  back  out  now,  telegraphed  ano- 
ther— pay  your  shilling  and  go  in.  Crowds  of  the 
lowest,  the  most  vulgar  of  London's  populace  rushed 
past  me,  paid  their  fee  and  entered,     It  was  a  morti- 


OFF   THE   TRACK   ALTOGETHER.  99 

fying  tliouglit  for  one  with  my  pride  in  refinement 
at  least,  to  be  in  such  company.  For  some  minutes, 
therefore,  I  stood  tacitly  gazing  on  that  awful  poster, 
when  my  hand  involuntarily  slipped  into  my  pocket 
and  drew  from  it  a  shilling.  Starting  from  the  deep 
reverie  into  which  I  had  fallen,  and  goaded  by  an 
invisible  agent,  I  burst  the  barriers  of  dread  and 
scruple,  pushed  forward,  paid  the  cost,  and  actually 
entered. 

Old  as  I  am  at  this  time,  the  horrible  infatuation 
by  which  I  was  propelled,  and  the  dreadful  agony 
of  mind  in  which  I  found  mj'self  on  arri\dng  at  a 
seat,  are  fresh  in  my  imagination.  Here  I  am  in  the 
rotunda^  and  the  vilest  of  the  vile  are  my  companions 
— all  brought  together  to  hear  God  denounced,  and 
to  see  the  "  devil  raised."  I  had  meanwhile  walked 
to  the  opposite  side,  being  attracted  by  a  small  read- 
ing desk.  I  was  anxious  to  see  and  hear,  although 
I  dreaded  it.  Immense  crowds  continued  to  fill  up 
the  vast  amphitheatre.  I  looked  among  them  to 
detect  if  possible  anybody  whom  I  might  know ;  but 
my  sight  failed  me  through  fear.  I  tried  to  conjec- 
ture how  the  devil  was  going  to  be  raised.  I^ow  I 
fancied  it  was  to  be  through  some  magic  art :  again 
in  the  person  of  one  of  the  chimney-sweepers  present. 
I  even  gazed  with  vacant,  yet  half-expectant  glare, 
at  the  strange-looking  corners,  and  ugly  caricatures 
about  the  platform.  My  imagination  was  finally  so 
wrought  up,  that  I  cried  out  aloud,  "  Where  am  I  ?  " 
Some  one  near  me  answered,  "  This  is  the  Rotunda, 
sir."  I  started  at  the  answer  and  gazed  at  the  man. 
Tremblinof  with  emotion,  I  ac^ain  looked  over  the 


100  AUTO-EIOGRAPIIY. 

place  in  its  entire  extent,  mj  eves  resting  upon  fully 
two  thousand  liuman  beings  of  both  sexes,  and  the 
very  dregs  of  the  city.  My  pride  was  fully  roused. 
I  started  to  my  feet  to  make  for  the  door,  when  at 
the  same  instant  the  whole  noisy  rabble  became 
suddenly  quiet  and  turned  their  dirty  faces  all  in  one 
direction.  It  took  me  by  surprise.  The  de^dl's 
coming,  I  surmised ;  so  I  too  looked  that  way.  I 
saw  him !  He  appeared  like  a  man,  wearing  a  black 
silk  gown,  -with  something  white  about  his  neck, 
gloves  on,  and  a  book  in  his  hand.  My  hair  arose, 
but  not  to  reverence  him :  it  stood  on  end.  My  eyes 
fastened  on  him  as  he  stalked  and  stalked  along  the 
avenue  near  me.  I  was  dreadfully  alarmed.  O 
God,  Lord  have  mercy  on  me  !  Is  this  the  devil  ? 
who  is  it  ?  A  filthy  scavenger  near  by  answered, 
"  Its  Bob  Taylor,  zur."  I  drew  a  breath.  On,  on, 
on,  he  stalked,  his  gown  brushing  me  as  he  passed. 
Another  breath — so  far,  I'm  safe. 

My  eyes,  riveted,  followed  him  to  the  neat,  low, 
square  pedestal  whereon  he  laid  the  book.  Upon 
this  he  placed  a  white  handkerchief,  and  then,  very 
ceremoniously  clasping  his  gloved  hands  together, 
turning  up  the  white  of  his  eyes  at  the  same  time 
and  with  equal  devotedness,  he  laid  his  head  down 
upon  the  Bible.  He  continued  in  this  posture  sev- 
eral minutes,  during  which  time  the  silence  was 
really  awful.  I  looked :  I  wondered :  I  trembled. 
In  fact,  all  eyes  were  upon  the  "  devil-raiser."  Pre- 
sently lie  commenced  gesticulating,  and,  gradually 
straightening  himself  nearly  to  bending  backward, 
exhibiting  also  the  palms  of  his  hands,  and  spread- 


OFF  THE  TRACK  ALTOGETHER.         101 

ing  liis  fingers  widely  apart — "  I've  been  praying," 
cliuckled  lie,  "  as  fervently  as  a  parson." 

On  hearing  this,  the  whole  multitude  broke  out 
into  a  roar  of  discordant  laughter.  Well  now,  me° 
thought,  I've  seen  many  a  better  trick  at  the  theatre  : 
but  then  he  did  look  so  funny  as  he  said  it,  and  I 
laughed  too.  I  certainly  felt  a  great  disgust  for  the 
"  devil-raiser,"  especially  if  this  is  the  way  he  in- 
tended to  teach  the  non-existence  of  God.  He  has 
made  but  a  poor  beginning,  I  inwardly  crowed,  and 
then  took  comfort  in  the  idea  that  if  his  rope  breaks, 
I  can  prove  my  identity  with  Abraham  by  the  sign 
and  seal  of  circumcision,  so  I  will  still  hang  on  to 
Moses,  and  be  safe,  in  spite  of  the  devil  or  his  raiser. 
Presently  he  commenced  to  lecture.  He  quoted 
scripture,  held  it  up  in  a  ridiculous  light,  and  left 
the  impression  thus  given.  He  made  the  scriptures 
apparently  contradict  themselves,  blasphemed  at  the 
idea  of  a  Trinity,  (!)  defied  God,  laughed  at  the 
devil,  and  said  that  the  world  was  from  eternity ;  all 
things  came  by  chance ;  death  is  the  last  of  man,  as 
man ;  he  will  thereupon  change  to  some  other  ani- 
mal, and  will  come  back  either  barking,  bleating, 
squeaking,  quacking,  or  in  some  other  imaginable 
way.  It  was  in  this  odor  that  his  entire  speech  was 
made. 

When  he  had  finished,  he  thanked  the  ladles  and 
gentlemen  for  their  attendance,  and  invited  us  to 
come  again  on  the  morrow  night  to  hear  more.  Ah  ! 
reasoned  I  on  leaving,  if  there  is  such  a  being  as  the 
devil,  he  would  certainly  have  put  in  an  appearance 
to-night.     Had  he  not  done  so,  pious  reader  ? 


102  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

How  readily  do  the  stings  of  n  guilty  conscience 
cease  to  pain  when  they  are  "  healed  slightly."  Al- 
though my  mind  was  so  thoroughly  harrowed  up  on 
this  occasion,  yet  when  the  next  night  came,  it  re- 
quired but  little  effort  to  overcome  my  feelings  of 
fear,  and  thus  gain  my  own  consent  to  visit  this 
"den  of  thieves"  once  more. 

The  infidel  now  informed  us  that  "  Moses  was  a 
liar ;  Paul  was  a  fool ;  Christ  was  a  bastar-d ;  God  is 
a  myth;  the  Bible  is  a  fable;  and  man,  man  is  every- 
thing!" "Well  done,  I  ejaculated,  good  enough  for 
a  "  Christian  "  to  talk  about.  Its  taste  was  so  agree- 
able that  I  drank  it  all  down.  Yes,  I  swallowed  the 
poison  without  an  effort,  and  even  thought  Eobert 
Taylor  a  wonderful  man.  Such  is  the  power  of  sin- 
ful attraction,  that  I  continued  to  hear  him  frequent- 
ly ;  I  actually  grew  to  love  him  and  his  cause.  Yes, 
my  hell-deserving  soul  did  actually  love  the  hifidel. 
His  sopliistry  had  mastered  me.  I  was  overcome ;  I 
adored  him.  I  followed  up  the  lectures  until  I  be- 
came an  adept  in  infidelity.  I  now  looked  upon  all 
religions  alike  as  foll}^,  the  Bible  a  book  of  lies, 
Christ  a  Jewish  impostor,  God  a  mere  chimera, 
death  an  eternal  sleep,  the  resurrection  a  natural 
transmigration  of  matter,  and  the  Judgment-day  a 
mere  humbug. 

O  my  ever  patient,  adorable  Lord  God,  enter  not 
into  speedy  judgment  with  me.  Remember  not 
against  me  the  sins  of  my  youth,  for  Jesus'  sake. 
Amen. 

For  some  time  past  I  had  not  been  annoyed  at 
home  by  the  customary  surveillance.      This  was  a 


OFF  THE  TRACK  ALTOGETHER.         103 

great  relief  to  me.  It  happened,  however,  that  one 
night,  returning  from  the  lecture  quite  late,  I  found 
the  drawing-room  full  of  company.  I  was  overflow- 
ing mth  "argument,"  and  ready  for  an  encounter. 
Contrary  to  my  expectations,  my  father  attacked  me. 
"  Where  have  you  been  to-night,  sir ;  to  the  thea- 
tre?" No  sir,  to  the  Rotunda.  "What  have  you 
been  doing  there  ? "  Hearing  Robert  Taylor  expose 
the  folly  of  all  the  religions  in  the  world.  Whack, 
went  the  cards  with  an  oath ;  and  as  the  company 
continued  to  whack  down  the  cards,  I  amused  them 
with  my  philosophy  of  religion ;  I  told  them  all  that 
I  knew,  and  more  than  they  ever  knew.  I  defamed 
Moses  and  Christ,  laughed  at  religion  and  blas- 
phemed God,  and  then  capped  the  whole  by  spout- 
ing Shakspeare's  Seven  Stages  of  Man.  Father 
thought  I  was  growing  clever ;  my  brother  laughed 
at  me.  The  ladies,  however,  turned  up  their  noses, 
and  I  have  no  doubt  that  the  thinking  part  were 
utterly  disgusted — certainly  they  should  have  been. 
Soon  the  gaudy  party  broke  up.  O,  how  they  swore 
at  each  other ;  and  what  with  charges  of  cheating, 
winners  laughing,  losers  mad,  the  name  of  God  in- 
voked in  every  oath,  which  was  prefixed  ^vith  a 
"  by,"  or  a  "  so  help  me,"  it  was  if  not  a  hell,  a  bed- 
lam. 

I  was  quite  used  to  hearing  it,  so  it  did  not 
move  me  at  all,  save  that,  my  infidelity  being  purer 
than  my  Judaism,  I  now  considered  swearing  absurd  : 
I  knew  no  sin  in  it,  or  in  anything.  So  I  only 
laughed  at  them.  Keep  your  tempers,  counseled  I, 
it  will  be  all  the  same  in  a  thousand  years. 


104  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

"  It  is  of  the  Lord's  mercies  tliat  I  am  not  con- 
sumed, because  His  compassions  fail  not." 

Time  rolled  on,  and  I  still  felt  secure.  Wliat 
harm  could  ever  befall  me  ?  I  had  now  secured  suc- 
cessively two  grand  hiding  places,  "Moses"  and 
Taylor.  "Moses"  had  failed,  but  I  was  safe  in  the 
"  devil-raiser."  And  when  Taylor  showed  any  signs 
of  tottering,  I  flew  back  again  to  "  Moses."  I  was 
indeed  like  the  troubled  sea,  thromng  up  mire  and 
dirt.  For  me  there  was  no  rest.  Yet  I  hated  both 
Christ  and  Christians  worse  than  ever.  Everything 
within,  Avithout,  and  about  me  declared  that,  there 
is  a  God.  And  my  own  secret  convictions  consented 
to  that  proposition. 

"Where  am  I?  and  from  whence? 
I  nothing  know,  but  that  I  am; 
And  if  I  am,  somewhere  there  must  be  a  God 
And  if  a  God  there  is,  that  God  how  great !  " 

"  "Wliither  shall  I  go  from  Thy  spirit  ?  or  whither 
shall  I  flee  from  Thy  presence  ?  If  I  ascend  up  into 
Heaven  Thou  art  there.  If  I  make  my  bed  in  hell, 
behold  Thou  art  there.  If  I  take  the  ^Y\no■s  of  the 
morning  and  dwell  in  the  uttermost  parts  of  the  sea, 
even  there  shall  Thy  hand  lead  me,  and  Thy  right 
hand  shall  hold  me.  If  I  say  '  surel)/  the  darkness 
shall  cover  me,'  even  the  night  shall  be  light  unto 
me.  Yea,  the  darkness  hideth  not  from  Thee,  but 
the  night  shineth  as  the  day ;  the  darkness  and  the 
light  are  both  alike  to  Thee." 

The  darkest  shades  of  vice  cannot  produce  an 
abyss  of  sufficient  deptli  and  density  to  hide  iniquity 
from  the  Almighty  eye.      So  I  found   it.     True,  I 


OFF  THE  TRACK  ALTOGETHER.         105 

felt  secure  wliilc  I  was  under  the  discipline  of  Tay- 
lor. I  never  once  dreamed,  but  that  he  could  work 
his  way  through  safely.  Yet,  deep  and  dark  as  was 
this  hiding  place,  my  Father  in  Heaven  saw  and 
cared  for  me  even  there.  He  proved  to  me  that  the 
"  reign  of  the  wicked  is  short;"  and  He  used  even 
this  ^\dcked  man  as  a  most  powerful  means  of  bring- 
ing me  to  the  light. 

As  a  stranger  to  the  leadings  of  God's  providence, 
I  had  no  desire  to  trace  His  hand  in  any  event.  I 
felt  satisfied  in  remaining  a  Jew,  or  infidel,  as  best 
suited  my  circumstances.  Here  I  slept ;  and  never 
would  I  have  awakened  this  side  of  eternity,  "  if  it 
had  not  been  the  Lord  who  was  on  our  side  when 
men  rose  up  against  us :  then  they  had  swallowed  us 
up  quick,  when  their  w^-ath  was  kindled  against  us : 
then  the  waters  had  overwhelmed  us,  the  stream  had 
gone  over  our  soul ;  then  the  proud  waters  had  gone 
over  our  soul.  Blessed  be  the  Lord,  who  hath  not 
given  us  a  prey  to  their  teeth." 

Taylor  was  "  raising  the  devil,"  all  over  the  city. 
He  seemed  to  be  gaining  ground.  Lifidel  clubs 
were  everywhere  formed,  and  we  supposed,  on  solid 
ground :  but  how  firm  in  reality,  facts  will  show. 
The  Lord  Jehovah  threw  this  atheistic  worm  upon 
a  bed  of  afiliction.  For  several  days,  he  struggled, 
despairing  of  life.  He  dreaded  death ! !  He  had 
lain  tormented  by  a  burning  fever  many  hours,  when 
suddenly  he  started  up  in  his  bed  and  shrieked,  "  O 
Christ,  Christ,  Christ !  O,  that  I  had  a  Christ  now 
to  fly  to !  I  have  gained  more  converts  to  the  devil 
in  one  hour's  preaching  of  infidelity,  than  I  did  to 


106  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

Jesus  Christ  in  a  year  when  I  was  his  accredited 
minister."  Thus  confessing,  he  fell  exhausted  and 
gasping  upon  his  pillow.  This  time  he  succeeded 
in  effectually  '^raising  the  devil."  Like  wild-fire 
flew  the  word  all  over  the  nation ;  Taylor  has  re- 
nounced infidelity:  he  has  invoked,  yes  invoked 
Jesus  Christ,  upon  his  death-bed.  His  disciples  only 
sneered.  "  Taylor,"  they  retorted,  "  will  die  like  a 
man."  I  thought  so  too,  but  evidently  a  very 
wretched  one. 

In  this  extremity,  I  felt  that  I  was  driven  into  the 
very  labyrinth  of  perplexity.  Infidel  clubs  were 
disbanding,  and — could  I  admit  it — my  rope  broke 
also.  After  a  while,  however,  Taylor  recovered,  and 
— horrible  fact — he  actually  resumed  his  infidel  post 
again.  Doubtless  he  regained,  for  the  most  part,  his 
standing  and  his  disciples.  As  for  me,  I  could  no 
longer  trust  to  a  reputation  whose  foundation  sank 
at  every  blast.  He  wants  this  very  "  hanged  one," 
does  he  ?  Then  good-bye  Taylor.  So  again  shifting 
my  position,  I  denounced  the  devil-raiser  as  being  a 
Christian,  and  once  more  fell  back  upon  the  conve- 
nient Israelitish  origin  as  my  stronghold.  O  Moses, 
whither  thou  goest,  I  will  go  !  What  thou  doest,  I 
will  do !  What  thou  thinkest,  I  will  think !  Thy 
God  shall  be  my  God !  And  when  I  die,  the  same 
Hand  shall  bury  me,  and  I  will  be  hid  in  the  self-same 
grave.  And  as  for  you,  father  Abraham,  I  look  so 
much  like  you,  that  anybody  can  tell  at  first  glance, 
that  I  am  your  son.  You  cannot  disown  me ;  so  I'm 
safely  landed  once  more,  beyond  a  doubt. 


CHAPTER   XI. 

LOVE'S    EPISODE. 

It  will  not  he  long,  dear  reader,  before  you  will  be 
able  to  weld  all  tlu'se  links  into  a  cliain.  Commonly 
as  occurs  tbe  beading  of  tbis  division  in  both  sterner 
prose  and  tinselled  poetry,  I  Avould  deem  it  trifling 
to  treat  of  it  in  this  narrative,  were  it  not  sacredly 
connected  with  results  about  which  you  are  expect- 
ing to  read.  At  any  rate  you  will  not  certainly 
think  the  less  of  my  little  book  because  it  contains  a 
love  story.  You  will  even  agree  with  me,  perhaps, 
that  anybody  who  cannot  give  some  account  of  love, 
has  no  business  to  write  a  book.  But  mark,  I  do 
not  say  the  correlative  of  this. 

Brother,  who  was  several  years  older  than  m3^solf, 
had  for  a  considerable  time  past  been  paying  his 
addresses  to  a  beautiful,  young  Jewess,  with,  how- 
ever, neither  the  knowledge  nor  consent  of  our 
father.  During  the  period  of  two  years,  the  love  on 
both  sides  was  warmly  reciprocated.  It  seems  not 
to  have  occurred  to  brother  that,  there's  many  a  slip 
between  the  cup  and  the  lip,  and  consequently  he 
did  not  fortify  himself  against  the  sad  disappoint- 
ment which  befell  him.  By  some  mischievous 
means,  my  dear,  indulgent  father  obtained  informa- 
tion about  what  was  going  on.     So  one  day  he  took 

107 


108  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

my  brotlier  by  surprise  by  asking  him  whether  he 
went  to  see  H.,  and  if  he  wanted  to  marry  her  ?  The 
poor  boy  was  frightened — what  boy  would  not  be  ? 
He  turned  pale,  and  trembling  all  over,  stammered 
out,  "  Y-e-e-e-s."  'No  more  was  said.  Father  turned 
away  abruptly,  leaving  the  petrified  chap  to  dig  out 
the  secret<as  best  he  might.  .  On  that  very  evening 
my  unsuspecting  brother  went  as  usual  to  visit  Miss 
H.  During  the  evening,  the  young  lady's  father  put 
a  letter  into  his  hands.  It  was  written  by  our  own 
father,  not  the  hoped-for  father-in-law,  and  directed 
to  Mr.  H.  Of  course  I  did  not  see  it,  but  what  I 
learned  from  my  brother  himself  of  the  contents  of 
the  letter,  I  feel  justified  in  putting  in  shape  for  my 
present  purpose.     So  let  us  make  a  palimpsest. 

Mr.  H.— Sir  : 

I  understand  that  my  son  Abraham  is  court- 
ing your  daughter,  M.  I  beg  leave  to  inquire  of 
you  whether  you  intend  to  give  your  daughter  £500 
(five  hundred  pounds)  as  her  marriage  portion  ?  If 
not  you  will  please  notify  my  son  to  discontinue 
visiting  your  house.  If,  however,  he  is  determined 
to  marry  the  girl  without  that  amount  of  money,  I'll 
never  give  him  a  penny.  (Signed,  etc.) 

Of  course  the  entire  family  of  the  lady  felt  indig- 
nant, and  promptly  informed  my  brother  that  the 
best  thing  he  could  do  would  be  to  go  home  and 
ask  his  father  to  go  courting  for  him.  During  the 
next  day  my  crest-fallen  brother  was  summoned  to 
appear  before  the  august  bar  of  our  honored  sire. 
"  I  tell  you  wliat  it  is,"  remonstrated  father,  "  that 


109 

gall's  too  poor,  and  if  you  marry  her  you  may  expect 
to  be  a  beggar  all  the  days  of  your  life,  but  if  you 
get  one  wlio  is  worth  five  hundred  poiwids,  I'll  dou- 
ble it  and  give  you  a  round  thousand.  Don't  go  to 
see  that 'poor  gall  any  more."  How  the  poor  fellow 
received  this  loving  admonition,  I  must  leave  the 
reader  to  imagine,  as  I  cannot  adequately  describe. 
The  poor  fellow  cried  a  whole  week  without  cessa- 
tion ;  and  for  the  whole  week  I  tried  to  make  him 
angry.  I  laughed  at  him,  I  swore  at  him,  I  derided 
him ;  but  all  to  no  pui-pose.  I  could  not  rouse  him 
by  any  means  wdiatever.  At  last  I  said  to  him, 
"  Abe,  if  I  were  you,  I'd  marry  M.  any  how ;  don't 
resign  your  independence  for  a  few  paltry  pounds. 
If  the  old  man  won't  keep  us  unless  we  marry  five 
hundred  pounds,  I  can  play  him  a  trick  just  about 
right.  I'm  acquainted  vnih  a  five  hundred  pound 
chance,  that  I  can  get  at  any  time.  But  I  know 
that  the  old  man  won't  like  my  choice.  I  don't  care 
for  that,  I  can  marry  and  have  a  fortune  too,  inde- 
pendently of  him."  This  speech  had  the  desired 
eifect.  His  sorrows  now  found  a  tongue,  in  loud 
lamentations.  "  Thank  God,"  he  cried,  "  that  pov- 
erty is  no  sin ;  if  it  were,  a  great  many  of  us  would 
have  to  answer  for  it."  Thus  he  lost  his  girl,  and 
thus  I  was  stimulated  to  make  an  efibrt  to  secure 
mine.  I  must  necessarily  close  this  division  abrupt- 
ly, and  expect  to  recur  to  it  again  in  my  next. 


CHAPTER  Xn. 

THE    TRAPPER    IS    TRAPPED. 

The  result  of  my  infidel  experience,  as  overruled, 
proved  to  be  a  future  and  lasting  blessing  to  my  soul. 
Judaism  had  taught  me  to  be  sectional  in  my  society 
as  well  as  creed ;  but  infidelity  broke  that  chain  of 
bigotry,  and  gave  me  a  free  ticket  to  go  where  I 
chose  and  select  what  society  I  might  prefer.  I 
consequently  formed  a  large  and  respectable  intima- 
cy among  Gentiles,  which  I  found  to  be  of  so  pleas- 
ant a  character,  that  I  had  no  disposition  to  throw  it 
ofi*,  even  after  I  had  renounced  Taylor.  Still  I  was 
ignorant  of  the  character  of  that  God  whose  watch- 
ful providence  was  ever  with  me.  "  Sentence  against 
my  Q\\\  work"  was  "not  speedily  executed,''  and 
therefore  my  wicked  heart  was  "  fully  set  in  me  to 
do  evil."  I  gave  m3^self  up  to  every  kind  of  vice 
and  pleasure  that  could  bo  procured  with  money. 
My  days  and  nights  were  alike  spent  in  profiigacy. 
Led  into  the  haunts  of  infamy  by  my  brother,  and 
winked  at  by  my  father,  I  arrogated  permission  to 
sin  against  God  with  impunity. 

"Madly  I  ran  the  sinful  race, 
Secure  without  a  hiding  place. 

Yet  the  Lord  was  slow  to  anger.  We  "  hear  the 
sound  thereof  but  cannot  tell  from  whence  it  cometh 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  Ill 

or  whitlier  it  goeth."  But  the  Lord,  who  controls 
the  tornado  and  darts  the  fury  of  His  eye  in  the 
liditnino^,  whose  voice  is  heard  in  the  thunder,  and 
who  calleth  the  stars  by  their  names,  who  holds  the 
comet  in  His  hand  and  numbers  the  stars  in  the 
millvy  way,  who  upholds  universal  empire  by  the 
word  of  His  power,  He,  even  He  knows  all  things, 
and  overrules  them  to  His  own  glory. 

Little  did  I  think,  while  blaspheming  His  holy 
name,  that  even  then  His  bowels  were  moved  in 
compassion  for  me.  Even  then  He  loved  me.  Ali- 
enated as  I  was  from  Him,  His  eye  nevertheless  was 
watching  over  me.  He  had  measured  Satan's  chain. 
Nor  could  he  pass  over  his  boundary  line.  The 
hand  of  the  enemy  was  laid  heavily  upon  me,  yet  he 
could  not  touch  my  life.  The  cudgel  that  he  raised 
for  my  destruction,  fell  upon  his  own  head  and  was 
instrumental  in  working  out  my  dehverance  from 
liis  entangling  meshes.  And  if  the  patient  reader 
^vill  bear  with  me  a  little  longer,  and  overlook  my 
imperfections,  I  will  devote  the  following  pages  of 
this  book  to  the  history  of  my  introduction  into  tbe 
Zion  of  Jesus. 

Wlien  it  was  decided  that  my  brother  must  sepa- 
rate himself  from  the  girl  he  loved,  one  who  pos- 
sessed beauty,  accomplishments  and  virtue,  but  not 
money,  and  when  I  saw  the  effect  it  had  upon  his 
health,  a  feeling  of  indignation  against  my  father 
seized  my  breast.  I  rose  up  upon  my  supposed  su- 
periority, and  resolved  to  take  my  own  course  in  the 
matter  of  my  choice  for  a  wife.  Mine  was  a  feeling 
of  revenge,  and  I  determined  to  carry  it  out. 


112  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

The  boasts  that  I  had  made  to  my  brother  were 
founded  upon  an  acquaintance  I  had  formed  with  a 
mother  and  her  daughter ;  the  latter  an  only  child, 
and  one  who  I  supposed  would  be  at  some  future 
time  an  heiress.  But  her  history  shall  be  given  in 
its  proper  place.  Thither  I  bent  my  steps,  being 
urged  forward  by  a  confident  expectation  of  victory 
over  that  far,  far  oiF  ^ve  hundred  pounds. 

As  a  matter  of  course,  I  looked  on  these  two  ladies 
as  Christians,  simply  because  they  were  not  of  Jew- 
ish descent.  And  here  I  must  confess,  that  my  old 
prejudice  retarded  my  progress  quite  disastrously  to 
my  cause.  In  time,  however,  I  ventured  to  test  the 
possibility  or  probability  of  success — a  very  delicate 
procedure  !  I  did  not  exactly  "  pop  the  question," 
but  arrived  so  near  to  it  that  I  teas  caught  in  the  very 
atteinj^t.  It  was  too  late  now  for  me  to  back  out. 
She  understood  me,  but  did  not  reply  as  readily  as  I 
anticipated.  My  pulse  beat  high,  and  seemed  to 
say,  look  out  for  a  squall.  In  a  moment,  I  enter- 
tained serious  fears  that  all  my  boasting  would  ter- 
minate, minus  "  ^ve  hundred  pounds."  My  suspense 
lasted  only  a  few  minutes,  which  seemed  like  so 
many  hours.  Then  in  quite  a  matter-of-fact,  busi- 
ness style,  she  informed  me  that  she  would  give  an 
answer  in  a  few  days.  This  much  I  entered  on  my 
credit  side. 

"A  few  days."  Will  they  ever  expire?  How 
long  must  I  wait  ?  O,  how  long  a  single  week !  But 
I  was  in  moral  "  durance  vile ; "  I  was  placed  in  a 
situation  over  which  I  liad  no  control.  Steel  teeth 
Bcemcd  to  hold  me  so  fast,  that  I  could  not  extricate 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  113 

myself.  I  felt  that  my  ajrial  castle  had  already  van- 
ished away  into  its  constituent  atmosphere,  and  almost 
resolved  not  to  go  hack  again,  to  make  a  fool  of  my- 
self. But  my  moral  perceptions  were  like  the 
negro's  lump  of  ice  drying  hy  the  fire.  *^  The  more 
him  dry,  the  more  him  Avet."  The  more  I  wouldn't 
go  hack,  the  more  I  would.  And  hack  I  went.  I 
was  kindly  received  hy  hoth  ladies,  and  soon  seated 
beside  my  own  five  hundred  pounds.  I  felt  quite  at 
home.  In  a  few  minutes,  the  young  lady  com- 
menced to  fulfil  her  promise.  In  reporting  our  con^ 
versation,  L.  is  lady;  M.  myself. 

L.  I  don't  see,  Mr.  Davis,  how  you  and  I  can  he 
married  to  each  other. 

M.  Why  ?  (with  that  look  of  confusion  which  is 
no  look.) 

L.  Because  there  exists  so  great  dissimilarity  be- 
tween us.  "We  are  of  dififerent  religions;  and  accord- 
ing to  your  religion,  you  may  not  keep  company 
with  one  of  another  nation,  while,  according  to  my 
religion,  I  may  not  be  "  unequally  yoked  with  an  un- 
believer." 

Here  was  argument  that  I  must  meet,  and  deliv- 
ered too  with  such  firmness  that  it  had  a  mo.',t  aston- 
ishing effect  upon  me.  I  had  not  visited  her  to  hear 
reason,  but  having  evoked  it,  I  must  ahido  t^ie  issue. 
Surprised,  disappointed  and  vexed,  I  afToctcd  to 
laugli.  JBiit  ^/laMvas  not  argument.  Then  [tacked 
aV)out,  and  invoked  Voltaire  and  Taylor.  But  the 
detestable  system  was  abominable,  and  to  her  most 
disgusting.  I  made  the  distance  greater  witli  every 
word  I  said.  I  liad  now  aroused  her  keenest  scnsi- 
8 


114  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

bilities,  and  she  rejected  my  infidelity  with  disdain. 
She  was  in  possession  of  a  secret  of  which  I  was  en- 
tirely ignorant :  she  ivas  a  true  Christian.  Finding 
that  I  was  losing  ground  rapidly,  and  was  likely  to 
be  repelled  by  a  young  lady,  I  resolved  to  make  one 
more  desperate  effort  to  save  myself.  In  a  moment 
I  felt  as  if  inspired  ^vith  the  full  spirit  of  infidelity. 
Summoning  all  my  remaining  courage  for  the  effort, 
I  made  a  desperate  beginning  with  a  dreadful,  blas- 
phemous oath.  I  was  not  suffered  to  proceed,  being 
checked  in  an  instant  by  the  young  lady,  ^^nth  a  cut- 
ting reproof.  "  Mr.  Davis,"  she  expostulated  mildly, 
"  swearing  is  neither  fashionable,  polite  nor  brave ; 
it  does  not  become  a  gentleman."  This  was  more 
than  I  could  bear.  Mortified  in  the  extreme,  and 
indignant  to  overflowing,  I  arose  to  leave  the  room 
abruptly.  The  young  lady  saw  that  I  was  exceed- 
ingly chagrined,  and  not  wishing  me  to  leave  her 
house  in  so  ill  humor,  judiciously  changed  the  sub- 
ject, with  a  very  cunningly  sweet  smile  in\dting  me 
to  be  seated.  Some  how  I  could  not  refuse.  But 
scarcely  had  I  complied,  before  she  asked  me  a  ques- 
tion which  did  not  set  very  easily  upon  my  mind. 
"  Mr.  Davis,"  resumed  she,  "  what  has  become  of 
Jerusalem  ? " 

In  no  way  could  any  mortal  have  prostrated  me 
80  quickly.  All  my  younger  days  I  had  been  pray- 
ing for  that  identical  Jerusalem,  and  now  that  a 
plain,  sensible  question  is  put  to  me  about  its  histo- 
ry, I'm  so  ignorant  that  I  cannot  answer.  Forget- 
ting the  reproof,  I  swore  again  that  I  did  not  care 
wliat  had  become  of  Jerusalem,  that  I  had  a  better 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  115 

country  to  live  in  tlian  ever  Jerusalem  was,  if  indeed 
tliere  ever  was  such  a  place.  The  piercing  eye  that 
I  met,  made  mine  wince.  Feeling  that  I  had  ex- 
posed my  ignorance,  and  had  become  a  victim  to  my 
pride  and  infidelity,  before  true  women,  Avhose  minds 
were  imbued  with  virtue  and  religion,  I  became  in- 
stantly as  uneasy  as  if  I  had  been  upon  a  public 
examination  mthout  preparation,  and  felt  that,  could 
I  only  see  the  other  side  of  the  street  door  once  more 
with  a  sound  brain,  I  should  truly  rejoice. 

Fearing  lest  I  should  never  get  away,  I  again 
arose,  this  time  very  politely,  to  make  my  everlast- 
ing exit,  when  lo,  another  detention !  This  time  the 
young  lady's  mother  addressed  me.  "  Is  it  your  in- 
tention, Mr.  Da\ds,  to  continue  visiting  my  daugh- 
ter ?"  How,  in  my  frenzy,  I  wanted  to  spit  fire  at 
her !  I  wished  that  she  had  been  in  that  very  Jeru- 
salem before  she  interfered.  But  as  there  was  no 
getting  off  without  an  answer,  I  replied  in  the  affirm- 
ative, and  moved  on  toward  the  door. 

In  a  moment  that  power  of  which  it  is  said  that  it 
never  rests,  accosted  me  again.  "  Mr.  Davis,"  also 
spoke  up  the  young  lady,  seemingly  in  sprightly  jest, 
"  you  mustn't  come  back  again  unless  you  can  tell 
me  what  has  become  of  Jerusalem  ! "  "Without 
making  any  reply,  I  turned  about  and  left  abruptly, 
determined,  however,  never  to  return.  On  reaching 
the  open  air  once  more,  I  drew  a  long  breath — a 
breath  of  liberty.  Very  soon  I  was  seized  with  a 
feeling  of  chagrin  and  mortification,  resulting  from 
the  consideration  that  I  had  lost  my  charmingly 
modest  and  intelligent — must  it  come  up  ? — ^five  hun- 


lie  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

dred  pounds.  A\^icn  the  next  day  arrived,  I  was 
very  ill-humored. 

Frequently  was  I  admonished  ''  not  to  bite  any- 
body;" but  if  there  did  exist  symptoms  of  hydro- 
phobia, I  am  happy  to  know  that  I  did  not  hurt  a 
soul.  My  malady,  however,  was  sorely  aggravated 
by  my  brother,  who  after  a  while,  came  hurriedly 
toward  me,  with  his  countenance  so  brightened  up 
that  he  threw  me  entirely  into  the  shade.  He  longed 
to  communicate  the  pleasing  intelligence  to  me  that 
father  had  taken  a  great  fancy  to  E.,  a  rich,  young 
Jewess,  and  wished  that  he  would  go  to  see  her. 
"I  know  her,"  chirped  he;  "I  shall  be  rich  yet; 
what  do  you  think  of  that  chance,  eh  ? "  I  was  too 
much  embittered  to  congratulate  him,  and  sourly 
replied,  "  Well,  if  you  get  her,  you  get  her ;  and 
if  you  miss  her,  you  miss  her."  I  had  just  enough 
remaining  sense  to  keep  my  disappointment  a  pro- 
found secret. 

Although  I  had  relinquished  all  ideas  of  marry- 
ing, yet  I  could  not  lose  all  interest  in  the  girl  who 
had  set  me  to  thinking.  But  how  to  resume  my 
\dsits  I  was  at  a  loss  to  know.  The  past  exposure 
of  my  ignorance,  my  ungentlemanly  conduct,  and 
above  all,  my  unprepared  lesson,  all  stood  before  me 
as  BO  many  insurmountable,  immovable  obstacles. 
Several  days  elapsed,  and  I  found  that  in  spite  of  my 
effort  to  be  resigned  and  tranquil,  I  was  in  reality 
considerably  disturbed.  But  I  knew  the  remedy, 
alas !  I  must  go  to  Jerusalem  for  it.  It  really  looked 
like  quite  a  serious  predicament,  that  I  could  tell  a 
little  about  every  nation  on  earth,  knew  their  geog- 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  117 

raphy  and  history,  but  Jerusalem,  to  which  I  have 
turned  my  face,  and  for  which  been  praying  for  so 
many  years,  it  was  buried  so  de^ep  in  rabbinical  mys- 
tery, that  I  could  not  find  its  history  in  all  the  years 
of  my  school  training.    How  I  censured  my  teachers ! 

However,  to  work  I  went  in  earnest,  determined 
upon  arriving  at  veritable  historical  facts.  I  suc- 
ceeded !  I  could  now  answer  the  standing  question, 
"  "What  has  become  of  Jerusalem  ?  " 

Depend  upon  it,  dear  reader,  that  I  became  a  hap- 
py youth.  With  an  enlightened  mind  and  a  glad 
heart,  I  at  once  resolved  upon  returning  to  the  cen- 
tre of  all  my  attraction,  feeling  fully  assured  that  I 
should  be  both  forgiven  and  welcomed  back  again. 

Once  more  I  am  on  my  way  to  Derby  street.  As 
a  child  who  has  a  message  to  deliver,  continues  to 
say  it  all  along  the  road,  through  fear  he  may  forget 
it  upon  arriving  at  the  destination,  I  actually,  with 
every  few  steps,  audibly  pronounced  "  Jerusalem," 
and  before  I  had  quite  finished  repeating,  lo,  I  was 
once  more  in  the  house  of  my  much-admired — school 
ma'am. 

The  ladies  seemed  glad  to  see  me,  and  I  really 
felt  in  a  good  humor.  With  a  lady's  hand  in  mine, 
can  you  wonder  that  in  another  minute  a  nearer 
approach  was  gained,  that  we  were  seated  beside 
each  other  ?  I  felt  stimulated  by  an  irresistible  im- 
pulse, constraining  me  to  tell  her  the  whole  story  of 
Jerusalem  as  good-humoredly  as  if  I  had  never  made 
a  fool  of  myself 

"ITow  for  Jerusalem,"  started  I.  The  sweet 
smile  of  approbation  that  appeared,  encouraged  me 


118  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

to  go  on.  By  this  time  I  felt  even  like  having  a 
frolic  over  it.  M.,  discoursed  I,  if  you  want  any 
information  about  Jerusalem,  I'll  tell  you  all  I  know 
about  it.  Well,  let  me  see;  O  Jerusalem.  Well 
then,  Jerusalem  was  a  city  in  the  land  of  Canaan. 
Won't  that  do  ?  She  laughed.  Hold  on,  I'll  tell 
you  a  little  more.  Wasn't  it  the  metropolis  of  Ju- 
dea?  Yes,  and  it  was  west  of  the  river  Jordan,  and 
east  of  the  Mediterranean  sea.  It  was  built  on  high 
land,  and  king  Solomon  erected  a  temple  there. 
ISTow  M.,  won't  that  suit  you  ?  Ragged  as  my  story 
was,  it  was  received  with  a  condescending  pleasure, 
and  you  might  have  seen  my  countenance  brighten 
at  the  prospect  of  regaining  those  miserably  far  off 
*'five  hundred  pounds."  In  fact,  I  began  to  be 
puzzled  which  to  choose,  the  girl  or  her  imaginary 
fortune. 

A  feeling  of  exultation  took  hold  of  me,  and  some- 
thing seemed  to  say,  I've  won  her.  iText  minute  I 
was  building  "castles  in  the  air."  Plans  for  the 
future  were  laid  out,  and  others  followed  in  rapid 
succession.  But  just  as  I  had  arrived  at  the  height 
of  my  fancied  happiness,  behold  another  mortifica- 
tion, in  the  form  of  a  question,  was  laid  upon  the 
carpet  for  my  disposal,  by  the  same  fair  author  as 
the  last.  "  Mr.  Davis,"  observed  the  beauty,  "  is  it 
true  that  Jerusalem  existed,  and  has  long  since  been 
destroyed ;  l)ut  what  has  become  of  your  people  ?  " 
My  people !  I  laughingly  responded.  I  am  a  Cosmo- 
polite ;  all  people  are  my  people.  "  True,"  she 
chimed  in,  "  all  people  are  by  nature  on  a  footing 
with  yourself     But  did  you  not  but  just  now  say 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  119 

that  your  country  was  destroyed?  Now  how  can 
there  be  a  nation  without  a  people  ?  Wliere,  there- 
fore, are  your  nation's  people,  the  Jews?" 

Who  can  imagine  my  mortification  at  having  such 
questions  pressed  upon  me,  questions  which  I  was 
so  entirely  unprepared  to  answer  ?  I  wished  that  all 
her  questions  had  been  in  Jerusalem  when  the  Ko- 
mans  got  it,  or  at  the  bottom  of  the  sea,  or  anywhere, 
rather  than  where  they  were,  bothering  my  poor 
brain.  I  did  try  to  be  modest ;  I  blushed,  something 
rose  in  my  throat.  I  thought  it  was  my  heart. 
At  length  I  timidly  replied,  "I  suppose  they  are 
scattered  all  over  the  world." 

By  this  time,  I  had  fairly  pushed  out  into  the  open 
sea  of  perplexity  and  vexation.  I  grew  impatient  to 
be  gone,  for  I  could  detect  in  the  peculiar  manner 
of  the  "  missionary,"  an  indication  that  another 
question  would  speedily  arrive.  My  indignation  ran 
high.  I  looked  at  her,  then  at  my  hat,  then  at  the 
door,  and  heartily  wished  that  I  had  not  renewed 
my  visits.  My  only  alternative  was  to  cut  my  even- 
ing visit  short  as  possible.  On  the  impulse  of  the 
moment  I  rose  to  my  feet,  seized  my  hat,  and  was 
about  to  make  for  the  door.  In  an  instant  she  was 
on  her  feet  also,  and  standing  by  my  side,  "  Don't 
be  in  a  hurry,  Mr.  Davis,  I  do  want  to  ask  you  ano- 
ther question."  Her  manner  was  so  lady-like,  and 
withal  fascinating,  that  I  could  not  move,  though  in 
my  heart  I  cursed  this  catechism.  I  paused,  trem- 
bled, bit  my  lip  ;  but  ere  I  was  aware,  I  was  safely 
re-seated  on  a  chair  by  the  side  of  my  would-be  de- 
liverer.    "  Mr.  Davis,"  sighed  she, "  I  feel  very  much 


120  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

interested  in  behalf  of  your  nation.  Do  you  know 
tlie  reason  for  Avliicli  God  permits  your  people  to  be 
scattered  all  over  the  world  ?  "  I  was  too  indignant 
to  reply  with  common  civility.  "You  are  more 
interested  for  my  nation  than  I  am ;  I  neither  know 
the  cause,  nor  do  I  care  to."  At  this  she  expressed 
great  surprise.  "What !  could  I,  a  Jew,  feel  so  little 
concern  for  the  welfare  of  my  people,  while  Chris- 
tians were  so  much  concerned  for  them.  I  must 
here  confess  that  I  thought  the  same  in  view  of  her 
immediate  and  individual  anxiety,  but  beyond  her, 
all  the  world  was  a  blank.  "  Let  me  tell  you,"  in- 
sinuated she,  "  about  the  grand,  moral  cause  of  the 
downfall  of  your  nation.  When  our  Saviour,  Jesus 
Christ,  was  arraigned  before  Pontius  Pilate  by  your 
people,  for  no  oflence  against  either  the  laws  of  Hea- 
ven or  earth,  Pilate  declared  that  he  found  no  fault 
in  Him,  and  would  have  released  Him ;  but  your  peo- 
ple were  vehement  in  their  cries  against  Him  that 
He  should  be  crucified,  even  declaring  that  they 
would  rather  let  loose  in  the  community  a  common 
robber,  who  had  been  fairly  tried,  found  guilty  and 
condemned  for  sedition  and  murder.  Pilate  then 
asked.  What  shall  I  do  to  your  king  ?  Your  people 
then  flew  in  the  face  of  their  own  law,  and  cried. 
We  have  no  king  but  Ceesar.  ISTow,  Caesar  was  not 
a  Jew.  Still  Pilate  tried  to  reason  with  the  crowd, 
and  to  plead  for  His  release.  But  your  people  were 
mad  in  their  cries  for  His  crucifixion.  So  Pilate 
passed  the  unjust  sentence  of  death  upon  the  cross. 
Then  as  a  token  of  his  disapproval  of  the  whole  pro- 
ceeding, he  took  water  and  in  the  presence  of  your 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  121 

nation  waslied  liis  hands,  averring,  I  am  innocent  of 
the  blood  of  tliis  just  person ;  see  ye  to  it.  And  your 
people  with  one  voice  cried  out,  Let  his  blood  be 
upon  us  and  on  our  children." 

She  would  have  said  more,  but  violent  emotions 
choked  her  utterance,  her  lip  quivered,  her  voice 
failed,  her  beautiful  eyes  filled  with  tears,  and  she 
turned  her  head  aside  -to  give  vent  to  her  feelings. 
I  saw  the  tears  fall  fast :  but  did  not  understand  an}^- 
thing  about  it.  I  was  petrified.  I  could  do  no  more 
than  gaze  at  her,  not  knowing  which  to  admire  most, 
her  beauty  or  her  eloquence. 

It  will  not  be  a  difficult  task  for  the  reader  to  pic- 
ture in  his  mind's  eye  the  scene  before  us.  There 
were  but  three  of  us  in  the  room.  The  mother,  who 
had  been  looking  on  and  hearing  in  silence,  showed 
signs  of  the  intense  interest  she  took  in  the  matter. 
The  daughter,  broken  down  with  emotion,  buried 
her  lovely  face  in  a  handkerchief.  And  I,  fairly 
palsied  by  this  last  speech,  even  to  dumbness,  sat  for 
a  moment  wondering  how  she  knew  all  this.  Yet  I 
dare  not,  as  I  grew  sensible  again,  either  ask  or 
reply.  The  sting  of  prejudice  goaded  me.  I  felt 
insulted  by  those  words,  "  Our  Saviour."  To  me 
tliey  were  hateful.  I  thought  I  would  have  received 
a  poisoned  dagger  in  my  breast  sooner  than  to  have 
heard  that  name,  Jesus  Christ,  especially  under  such 
circumstances  and  in  such  connection,  uttered  in  my 
presence.  I  could  hear  a  Jewish  rabbi  or  an  infidel 
as  Taylor,  and  laugh.  But  who  is  this — ^'  Oar  Sa- 
viour ?  "     ISTot  mine !     I  hate  Him ! 

I  looked  long  and  steadily,  however,  at  the  weep- 


122  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

ing  girl  and  lier  mother,  scrutinizing  tliem  alter- 
nately in  utter  amazement.  I  could  endure  no 
more.  A  mountain  of  my  Jewish  hatred  rushed 
into  my  distracted  brain.  Mechanically  I  seized  my 
hat,  and  rushed  out  of  the  house,  leaving  the  faith- 
ful daughter  of  the  Lord,  and  her  mother,  wondering 
after  me.  The  open  air  once  gained,  I  hurried  away 
from  the  abode  of  Christians,  nor  did  I  slacken  my 
pace  until  I  quite  reached  my  own  private  room, 
where,  between  Moses  and  Taylor,  quiet  to  my  dis- 
tracted mind  was  once  more  restored. — This  last 
visit  gave  me  such  offence,  that  I  resolved  to  put  a 
a  wide  distance  between  us  forever. 

It  is  time  now  that  I  give  my  reader  a  little  history 
of  this  Christian  lady.  She  was  one  of  a  small  fami- 
ly of  brothers  and  sisters.  Distance  and  death  had 
removed  all  from  the  mother's  side,  save  this  one. 
Her  father  was  living  in  affluence,  but  having  em- 
braced infidelity  many  years  before,  he  carried  out 
its  principles  in  his  life,  by  deserting  his  wife,  having 
allowed  whom  a  separate  maintenance,  he  now  roved 
at  large,  in  open  defiance  of  the  Lord  of  creation. 
The  Christian  influence  of  the  mother  was  reflected 
resplendently  in  the  character  of  the  daughter. 
Thus  they  lived  alone  for  each  other  and  for  Christ. 
When  the  mists  were  removed  from  my  eyes,  and  I 
lived  to  rejoice  in  Christ  Jesus  my  Saviour,  I  learned 
all  I  now  write  of  her  history.  So  great  was  the 
agonizing  anxiety  of  this  child  of  grace  for  her  fath- 
er's salvation,  that  she  would  way-lay  him  in  his 
walks,  throw  herself  at  his  feet  in  the  open  street, 
and  implore  him,  with  her  womanly  eloquence,  to 


THE  TRAPPER  IS  TRAPPED.  123 

turn  to  the  Lord  and  live.  Often  has  she  told  me 
that  at  such  times  her  father  would  raise  her  up, 
throw  himself  upon  her  bosom,  and  weep  aloud. 
Sometimes  he  would  cry,  "  0  my  daughter,  nothing 
makes  me  feel  but  your  tears."  Then  he  would 
thrust  a  purse  of  gold  in  her  hand,  kiss  her  tenderly, 
and  tear  himself  away. 

O  Infidelity !  this  is  your  very  fairest  production. 
"  Jesus  wept."  Alas,  for  whom  ? — Clyistian  woman, 
your  loved  ones  about  you  are  ungodly ;  let  them  see 
a  tear  drop  from  your  eye ;  make  them  to  know  that 
it  falls  unbidden,  irrepressible  in  their  behalf.  It 
may  harden  their  hearts  apparently  for  a  while,  as  it 
did  my  own.  But  a  woman's  tears  and  prayers  rise 
high  before  the  throne  of  Jehovah.  They  cannot 
plead  in  vain. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

STRUGGLING    TO    GET    FREE. 

The  experience  of  life  covers  a  great  variety  of 
incidents.  Some  of  these  appear  to  be  of  very  small 
importance,  yet  each  plays  its  part  distinctly.  And 
God,  who  overrules  all  things  for  the  promotion  of 
His  own  glory,  connects  importance  with  the  most 
trifling  circumstance,  that  it  may  become  subservi- 
ent to  His  own  will.  Eminently  true  is  this  with 
reference  to  our  conversion  to  God.  He  does  not 
employ  the  mighty  of  this  world  to  carry  out  Ills 
plans ;  but  the  weak  things  of  earth,  in  His  hand, 
are  "  mighty  to  the  pulling  down  of  strongholds." 
2  Cor.  X :  4. 

This  is  proven  true  in  my  life.  Has  it  not  also  in 
yours?  It  is  necessary,  therefore,  that  I  take  my 
leave  of  these  two  pious  women  for  the  present,  in 
order  that  I  may  show  you  what  effect  the  last-named 
interview  had  upon  me. 

On  arriving  in  my  room,  I  immediately  retired  to 
my  bed, "  seeking  rest  but  finding  none."  A  strange, 
restless  drowsiness  crept  over  me,  and  M.'s  form  ap- 
ix'iired.  Standing  before  me,  she  addressed  me  with 
her  wonted  eloquence.  Once  more  I  saw  her  ear- 
nest manner,  her  brimming  eye,  her  quivering  lip, 
htT  c'liokcd   utterance.     Once   again  I  heard  those 


STRUGGLING   TO    GET   FREE.  125 

strange,  strange  words,  Let  His  blood  be  upon  us 
and  on  our  children.  I  groaned  and  turned  upon 
my  pillow;  but  could  not  conjecture  what  all  this 
uneasiness  meant.  The  restless  night  was  followed 
by  a  troubled  morning.  I  was  weary  in  mind.  The 
family  noticed  that  there  was  something  wrong,  but 
not  venturing  to  express  an  opinion  positively  as  to 
my  ailment,  they  resorted  to  guessing  a  hundred 
things  in  turn  the  mattei*  with  me.  But  no  one 
guessed  it  had  to  do  with  the  blood  of  Christ.  I  cer- 
tainly did  not.  Yet  so  it  was.  True,  I  felt  morti- 
fied to  think  how  I  had  lost  my  imaginary  prospect 
for  life.  But  beyond  this,  it  did  not  seem  to  trouble 
me.  That  mysterious  speech  rather  constantly 
sounded  in  my  ears,  "Let  His  blood  be  upon  us 
and  on  our  children."  To  say  the  least,  my  peace 
w^as  actually  disturbed,  nor  could  I  find  a  quietus  in 
anything  but  the  excess  of  wine  and  London  amuse- 
ments. Wine-drinking  to  excess,  and  amusements 
of  London ! 

I  did  not  then  know  that  He,  whose  blood  was 
staining  me,  had  said  that  no  gate  of  the  underworld 
should  ever  prevail  against  His  church.  Little  did 
I  think  that  I  had  entered  into  the  broadest  of  them 
all ;  and  nothing  prevented  me  from  advancing,  but 
the  utter  impossibility  of  discovering  the  "  blood  of 
Christ "  upon  that  road.  I  was  verily  blood-dyed, 
but  did  not  know  it.  The  Lord,  in  His  own  time 
and  manner,  revealed  it  to  me. 

The  comedy  of  the  theatre  failed  to  excite  my 
laughter.  That  aw^ful  language  rang  in  my  ear; 
and  that  still  more  awful  denunciation,  which  my 


126  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

people  invoked  upon  themselves,  impressed  my  mind 
with  a  sense  of  horror.  "  Can  it  be,"  whispered  my 
doubt,  "  that  Jesus  Christ  is  so  bad  a  character  as 
the  Jews  represent  Him."  Is  he  an  impostor,  a  bas- 
tard, an  e\dl  angel,  a  blasphemer,  cursed  of  God; 
and  have  my  people  really  invoked  the  curse  of  such 
a  character  ?  Horrid  enough  to  invoke  the  curse  of 
a  good  being,  but  to  call  for  a  lasting  curse  "  upon 
us  and  on  our  children,"  from  such  a  character  as 
Jesus  Christ,  is  dreadful.  I  trembled,  realizing  that 
the  "blood  of  Christ"  was  against  me  in  that  play- 
house. 

As  calm  follows  storm,  so  after  I  had  quit  the  the- 
atre for  that  night,  I  reflected  upon  the  cause  of  the 
spoiling  of  my  enjoyment.  But  storms  followed 
hard  on.  Maddened  at  my  disappointment  I  at  once 
resolved  to  erase  from  my  mind  every  feature  of  that 
female  preacher,  and  also  those  hateful  words  that 
haunted  me.  All  my  energies  were  summoned  for 
the  task.  I  laughed,  swore,  blasphemed,  and  satir- 
ized. I  resorted  to  places  of  amusement  and  danced. 
I  swallowed  liquor  and  gambled.  Yet  wherever  I 
went,  whatever  I  did,  I  saw  "  His  blood"  everywhere 
and  always.  Then  I  gathered  together  a  number  of 
novels,  obscene  books  and  ballads.  I  tried  to  read 
them.  But  on  every  page  there  appeared  to  be 
large  blots  of  blood.  All  day  long  I  thought  of 
*'His  blood."  In  the  night,  my  restless  sleep  was 
disturbed  by  dreams  of  the  past.  There  stood  that 
womanly  messenger,  weeping  and  repeating  to  me, 
"  His  blood  be  upon  us  and  on  our  children." 

This  condition  of  things  soon  drove  me  to  a  terri- 


STRUGGLING   TO   GET   FREE.  J 27 

ble  conclusion.  Surely,  soliloquized  I,  if  there  is  any 
truth  in  what  is  attributed  to  my  people  in  calling 
for  "  His  blood  upon  us  and  on  our  children,"  the 
Almighty  must  have  said  "  amen"  to  it!  I  too  am 
then  stained  with  it ;  nor  can  I  erase  it.  Thus  each 
day  my  gloom  increased;  I  knew  not  why,  but  I 
could  not  enjoy  a  tranquil  hour. 

This  frame  of  mind  had  continued  several  weeks, 
when  an  idea  started  up  within  me.  Have  I  ever 
heard  a  substantial  argument  counter  to  the  idea  of 
the  Messiah  having  been  upon  this  earth,  appearing 
in  the  person  of  any  one  ?  This  seemed  to  arouse  my 
conscience  from  a  deep  lethargy.  I  thought  about 
it  a  moment  only,  and  answered  with  a  decisive 
"  'No."  I  could  remember  nothing  but  thread-bare 
fables.  After  all,  I  began  to  admit,  perhajps  the 
Messiah  may  have  come.  And  now  if  lie  has  ac- 
tually been  upon  this  earth,  I  want  to  know  the  fact; 
and  know  it  I  will !  But  what  chance  had  I  to 
learn  ?  Whom  could  I  ask  ?  I  had  shut  mj^self  out 
from  inquiry  by  an  avowal  of  infidelity.  If  I  should 
fall  back  upon  Judaism,  bigotry  and  prejudice  were 
an  eternal  barrier.  If  I  inquired  of  Christians,  1 
knew  what  would  be  their  uniform  reply.  Besides, 
I  greatly  feared  the  Jews.  So  I  resolved  to  assume 
the  attitude  of  a  candid  but  independent  investigator, 
and  ask  no  assistance  from  any  living  being. 

My  first  resolve  was  to  receive  the  Old  Testament 
scriptures  as  truth.  I  at  once  discarded  Taylor  an'l 
all  his  parrot-like,  blasphemous  buftbonery.  I  ther 
engaged  to  read  IMoses  and  the  Prophets  fairly,  hon- 
orably, and  impartially.     I  marked  every  passage  of 


1:28  AUTO-BIOGRAPnY. 

importance,  that  I  thought  must  refer  to  the  Messiah 
O,  that  I  had  then  known  how  to  pray.  What  a 
glorious  teacher  I  should  have  had.  But  alas,  my 
fioul  was  barren,  dead.  How  could  I  arrive  at  an 
understanding  of  the  sacred  scriptures,  ha^dng  no 
man  to  explain  to  me  ?  I  had  no  books  to  guide  me 
and  no  prayer  to  oifer.  Still,  Jehovah  was  my  secret 
Helper. 

The  first  place  at  which  I  paused,  was  Genesis  iii. 
15  :  "  And  I  will  put  enmity  between  thee  and  the 
woman,  and  between  thy  seed  and  her  seed ;  it  shall 
bruise  thy  head  and  thou  shalt  bruise  his  heel." 

Here  I  paused  and  laughed  at  the  idea  of  enmity 
between  the  woman  and  young  serpents.  Yery 
natural,  for  a  woman  to  hate  snakes  either  young  or 
old.  But  then  what  does  this  mean,  "  It  shall  bruise 
thy  head,  and  thou  shalt  bruise  his  heel?"  Where 
shall  I  locate  these  two  pronouns  so  as  to  make  them 
agree  in  gender  with  the  nouns  for  which  they  stand  ? 

The  seed  of  the  serpent  was  to  be  one  of  the  neuter 
gender,  whereas  that  of  the  woman  should  be  one  of 
masculine  gender.  Who  is  he  ?  A  man  ? — Pass  on ! 
mistrusting  mind. 

I  then  came  to  Genesis  xlix.  10 :  "  The  sceptre 
shall  not  depart  from  Judah,  nor  a  lawgiver  from 
between  his  feet  until  Shiloh  come ;  and  unto  him 
shall  the  gathering  of  the  people  be."  Here  again 
I  found  a  personal  pronoun.  Is  he  the  "  seed  of  the 
woman  ? "  If  so,  is  he  Sliiloh  ?  I  remembered  that, 
while  yet  at  school,  I  learned  from  several  rabbinical 
authorities,  that  these  passages  referred  to  Messiah. 
This  much,  therefore  became  settled.      But,  Rabbi 


STRUGGLING  TO   GET   FREE.  129 

Gerson  affirms,  "  Sliiloh  has  not  yet  come."  He 
has,  moreover,  proved  this  assertion  by  his  famous 
"  big  river"  story.  However,  I  choose  now  to  think 
and  reason  for  myself.  If  Shiloh  is  Messiah,  and  he 
has  not  come,  then  Judah  as  a  tribe  possesses  the 
sceptre  and  hiwgiver  to  this  day.  But  where  is  Ju- 
dah? Here  I  confess  that  I  took  refuge  behind 
some  of  the  rabbins,  and  affected  to  beUeve  that  for 
some  special  purpose,  the  Lord  had  Judah  in  a  se- 
cret place.  But  here  started  another  difficulty. 
Where  are  the  sister  tribes  ?  I  could  not  tell.  Still 
another  difficulty  was  here  interposed.  The  sceptre 
and  lawo'iver  were  never  intended  for  the  exclusive 
benefit  of  Judah,  but  were  simply  to  spring  from 
her,  for  the  benefit  no  less  of  the  ivhole  body — "  unto 
him  shall  the  gathering  of  the  j^eople  be."  But  who 
are  the  people  ?  Does  it  mean  the  Jewish  nation  ? 
Certainly  not,  they  are  rather  scattered.  Then,  can 
it  mean  the  Gentile  peoples  ?  If  so,  "  His  blood"  is 
"  upon  us  and  on  our  children."  How  can  I  arrive 
at  facts?  Conscience  suggested,  bij  facts.  "What 
facts  ?  Those  which  point  you  to  the  existing  reali- 
ty that  all  the  people  of  the  world  are  gathering  unto 
him,  and  are  becoming  Christians.  Again  those 
who  declare  to  us  that  "  the  combined  numbers  and 
wealth  of  my  people  throughout  the  world"  is 
meant,  cannot  produce  either  "sceptre"  or  "law- 
giver." The  point  settled,  therefore,  was,  that  these 
had  departed.     But  when,  I  could  not  tell. 

My  reader  doubtless  bears  in  mind  that  it  is  not 
the  design  of  this  little  book  to  2^rove  any  question. 
In  fact,  no  question  for  discussion  will  be  started.     1 
9 


130  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

merely  state  what  appeared  to  me  as  truth,  when  I 
was  lionestly  investigating  the  scriptures  for  it,  with 
no  other  helps  than  two  copies  of  the  Old  Scriptures, 
the  one  in  Hebrew,  the  other,  one  of  King  James' 
En  dish  Bibles,  without  the  later  testament  however. 
I  cannot,  therefore,  find  room  to  state  more  than 
the  fact  that  upon  examining  the  prophesies,  I  found 
they  contained  very  important  matter  that  rabbis 
never  read  in  the  ears  of  the  public.  I  will  only 
speak  of  the  wicked  omission  of  the  three  last  verses 
of  the  fifty-second  chapter  of  Isaiah,  and  the  whole  of 
the  fifty-third  out  of  the  portion  to  be  read,  called 
"  Ilaphtora.''  Wlien  I  read  them,  and  saw  there 
before  me  that  wonderful  prophecy  of  such  a  divine 
mystery  as  could  not  refer  to  any  living  being  but 
the  '*  Shiloh,"  Messiah ;  and  for  the  first  this  flashed 
upon  me,  of  which  the  whole  congregation  is  igno- 
rant, ignorant  even  that  it  exists,  I  blushed  for  the 
dishonesty  of  the  rabbins.  This  feature  was  dark, 
while  the  prophecy  itself  appeared  most  plain,  that 
I  was  compelled  in  candor  to  admit  that  here  at 
least  existed  a  grievously  black  spot.  I  exclaimed, 
"  Shame  to  the  rabbins  for  misleading  the  people." 
My  education  had  never  referred  me  clearly  to  the 
fact  that  the  prophesies  even  bore  a  general  reference 
to  the  Messiah.  These  were  always  garbled  and 
glossed  over.  But  what  boy  would  care  about  dis- 
cussion ?  I  did  not.  ISTow  I  wake  up  to  see  that  the 
sacred  pages  are  full  of  the  one  great  theme — Mes- 
siah and  Messiah's  reign. 

Here  I  fell  into  a  train  of  reflections.     I  put  mod- 
ern Judaism  in  one  scale  and  infidelity  in  the  other. 


STRUGGLING   TO    GET   FREE.  131 

And  while  I  found  no  God  really  in  either  system, 
in  point  of  common  liberality,  that  of  Taylor,  who 
invited  and  courted,  at  least  in  appearance,  both  in- 
vestigation and  discussion,  was  the  more  weighty  of 
the  two.  I  did  not  by  this  award  infidelity  more 
praise,  but  declared  that  Judaism  deserves  less. 
Thus  I  continued  to  study  The  Book,  becoming  daily 
more  nearly  satisfied,  that  Messiah  had  come.  Still, 
I  wanted  more  light.  I  traveled  toward  the  East 
for  it.  Once  I  had  faced  the  East  with  my  eyes  shut 
like  a  rabbi,  simply  because  Jerusalem  was  there. 
But  now  all  the  powers  of  my  mind  face  the  rising 
sun,  and  my  eyes  are  wide  open,  lest  I  should  lose 
one  little  ray  of  light.  And  when  the  intervening 
cloud  gathered  too  darkly,  I  slapped  my  forehead 
with  impatience,  crying,  "  0,  that  I  could  only  dare 
to  ask  father." 

It  is  with  difiaculty  that  I  restrain  my  pen  from 
giving  the  reader  the  result  of  my  laborious  investi- 
gations of  the  sacred  prophets.  Everywhere  I  light- 
ed upon  startling  disclosures,  of  different  dates,  by 
various  persons,  looking  down  through  coming  time 
to  but  one  terminus,  the  appearance  of  some  one 
person  on  the  earth  to  be  connected  in  some  way 
with  the  royal  family  of  David ;  one  whose  existence 
was  to  be  mysterious,  running  along  from  his  con- 
ception by  a  "  virgin"  to  his  grave  with  ''  the  wick- 
ed." I  noted  also  the  wonderful  harmony  between 
Moses  and  Isaiah.  Through  the  former  we  have 
mentioned.  The  seed  of  the  icoman,  rather  than  of 
the  man  :  by  the  latter  it  is  said,  A  virgin  shall  con- 
ceive.    I  observed  also  the  exalted  relation  he  was 


132  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

to  sustain  to  the  one  everlasting,  all-glorious  Jeho- 
vah. In  time,  my  rude  notes  swelled  to  a  volume. 
I  could  not  investigate  more.  I  had  enough  to  con- 
vince me  that  at  some  past  period,  in  some  one  mys- 
terious person,  Messiah  had  certainly  appeared  upon 
earth.  But  in  whom,  and  when?  aye,  that  is  the 
question.  In  Jesus  of  ITazareth,  "  the  hanged  one, 
the  hated?"  l^o,  never!  My  soul  recoiled  from 
the  idea.  Shuddering,  I  closed  my  eyes,  bowed  my 
head,  and  then  inwardly  repeated,  "  Hear,  0  Israel, 
Jehovah  our  God  is  one  Jehovah." 

Supposing  that  nothing  more  could  be  done,  I 
closed  the  book.  Days  and  nights  of  profound  med- 
itation followed.  I  was  not  satisfied  as  yet.  There 
were  facts  as  to  time  given  by  the  prophet  Daniel, 
which  my  ignorance  could  not  comprehend.  I  re- 
solved, however,  to  try  again.  Opening  the  book  of 
Daniel  at  the  ninth  chapter,  and  dwelling  long  and 
studiously  on  the  latter  part,  especially  from  verse 
twenty  to  the  end  of  the  chapter,  I  at  last  reached 
results  that  astonished  me.  If  my  dear  reader  is  at 
all  interested  in  this  narrative,  he  will  certainly  be 
willing  to  pause  here,  open  his  Bible,  and  read  the 
verses  of  Daniel  to  which  I  have  referred.  I  discov- 
ered, on  studying  them,  that  a  great  and  conclusive 
work  was  to  be  accomplished  by  the  Messiah  in  per- 
son, and  within  a  specified  time,  its  commencement 
dating  (verse  25)  ''  from  the  going  forth  of  the  com- 
mandment to  restore  and  to  (re)build  Jerusalem." 
After  searching  the  books  of  Ezra  and  l^ehemiah  a 
long  time,  T  found  difliculty  in  locating  the  heglnnhuj 
of  the  seventy  weeks  on  account  of  the  fact  that 


STRUGGLING   TO   GET   FREE.  133 

tlicre  were  as  many  as  four  different  decrees  or 
"  commandments." 

Here  I  was  interrupted  by  peculiar  emotions,  in 
view  of  my  situation.  What  must  be  my  position 
liereafter,  if  all  these  events  have  taken  pkice,  and 
Messiah  has  been  "  cut  oif  for  the  people  ?  "  O  that 
I  could  locate  the  beginning  at  some  late  period,  so 
as  forever  to  settle  the  question  in  favor  of  Judaism, 
appearing  as  it  then  would  that  the  Messiah  has  not 
yet  come.  Twist  and  dodge  as  I  managed  to  do, 
the  date  in  question  would  not  go  lower  down  than 
the  fourth,  or  last  decree  to  build  the  city  and  the 
walls.  There  I  must  commence  the  seventy  weeks. 
(See  ISTeh.  i :  1-9.) 

The  next  question  was  as  to  the  period  of  time  to 
be  consumed  by  the  seventy  weeks.  I  knew  that 
prophetically  a  day  stood  for  a  year,  (see  E'umbeis 
xiv :  34,)  which  gave  me  the  full  period  of  four  hun- 
dred and  ninety  years,  or  seven  times  seventy  from 
the  last  decree.  What  could  I  now  do  but  look  at 
facts  as  they  are.  Every  letter  of  that  prophecy  rela- 
tive to  my  people  is  truthfully  fulfilled ;  then  why 
not  couple  these  stubborn  facts  with  that  to  which 
they  claim  •  to  belong,  namely,  with  the  appearing 
and  cutting  off  of  Messiah  himself  ?  Shades  of  Rab- 
bi Ben  Joseph,  help  me  out  of  this  dilemma.  But 
the  echoing  voice,  from  the  tomb  replies,  "  Moses  and 
the  Prophets."  My  head  reeled  in  the  face  of  math- 
ematical evidence  like  this.  IN'or  am  I  giving  the 
whole  of  my  research  ;  only  what  I  then  obtained. 
Either  ^Messiah  must  have  come  long,  long  ago,  or 
Daniel  was  a  false  prophet.     I^ow  that  Daniel  is  a 


134  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

true  prophet  of  the  Lord  is  e\ddenced  by  the  fact 
alone,  that  the  daily  sacrifice  has  ceased,  because  the 
temple  is  no  more  and  Jerusalem  is  in  the  hands  of 
strangers,  ^lore  than  once  in  days  past,  had  I  in- 
quired. How  long  is  it  since  our  people  discontinued 
ofterings  ?  One  answer  came :  "  A  long,  very  long 
time ;  the  Almighty  has  been  angry  with  us  nearly 
2000  years."  When  I  remembered  this,  hearing 
Daniel  declare  as  well  that  Messiah  must  come  before 
sacrifices  and  ofi:eriugs  should  cesise, -before  the  destruc- 
tion of  the  temple  and  city,  I  would  do  naught  else 
than  conclude  that  Messiah  has  certainly  come.  In 
vain  I  looked  about  me  to  escape.  I  felt  the  force  of 
that  woman's  recital,  "  Let  His  blood  be  upon  us  and 
on  our  children."  Wliose  blood?  ISTot  Christ's, 
surely. 

Affonizino^  to  ward  off  the  truth  that  some  time 
must  be  fully  admitted,  I  lived  as  though  a  sword 
was  hanging  in  the  air  over  my  head,  threatening 
momentary  destruction.  I  dreaded  to  look  any 
longer  through  this  God-given  telescope,  lest  I 
should  bring  still  distant  facts  near  my  eye,  and  so 
destroy  whatever  remained  of  my  frail  argument. 
But  unable  to  resist  the  increasing  desire  to  know 
the  truth,  I  continued  ni}^  investigation,  only,  how- 
ever, to  expose  the  rottenness  of  modern  Judaism, 
and  to  bring  to  light  with  still  greater  force  the  truth, 
that  ^lessiah  has  certainly  come. 

The  shock  which  this  ever-brightening  discovery 
gave  my  constitution  was  astonishing.  My  counte- 
nance, naturally  pale,  began  to  assume  a  doleful  as- 
pect.    All  the  family  noticed  it,  yet  in  their  igno- 


STRUGGLING    TO   GET   FREE.  135 

ranee  of  facts,  imputed  it  to  any  cause  but  the  right 
one.  My  pen  cannot  describe  the  actual  torment  of 
mind  in  which  I  was  plunged.  In  vain  did  I  attempt 
to  resist  the  conviction  that  Messiah  had  been  upon 
the  earth  very  many  years  ago.  Still,  I  could  not, 
I  would  not  admit  that  "  the  Christian's  god"  was 
he.  And  if  at  any  time  I  dare  indulge  a  suspicion 
of  the  bare  probability  that  it  might  be  so,  it  was 
like  signing  my  own  death  warrant!  The  only 
promising  refuge  left  me  was  to  indulge  a  hope  that 
I  might  still  find  the  Messiah  in  the  person  of  one 
of  the  old  prophets.  But,  0,  those  invulnerable  facts 
set  forth  by  these  very  prophets — A  spotless  lamb — 
Dumb  to  the  slaughter — ^Born  of  a  virgin — Death 
ignominious — His  grave  with  the  rich  and  wicked 
— Himself  poor,  but  called  the  mighty  God — His 
soul  satisfied  with  seeing  His  travail ;  and  so,  very 
much  more,  all  uttered  by  these  old  prophets,  and 
attributed  to  some  one  else — marvels  of  marvels !  I 
could  not  find  such  wonders  exemplified  in  any  per- 
son within  the  bounds  of  my  limited  readings — could 
others  produce  a  parallel  ? 

SomxCtimes  reason  would  interpose  in  behalf  of 
truth.  Can  you  any  longer  resist  the  proof  of  the 
Messiahship  of  Jesus  of  IS'azareth  upon  Judaical 
premises?  Can  yoM  longer  reject  Him  by  virtue  of 
your  old  one-sided  argument?  Conscience  cried, 
!N'o.  Still,  I  could  not  receive  Him,  because  I  did 
not  know  Him.  ISTeither  felt  I  any  desire  in  that 
direction.  I  had  never  read  the  "  Christian's  book," 
and  had  no  wish  to  do  so.  In  fact,  my  mind  was 
crowded  with  Jewish  fables,  portraying  this  same 


136  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

Christ  in  such  hideous  proportions,  that  I  could  not 
so  easily  divest  myself  of  them,  tack  about,  and  give 
him  credit  for  the  dozens  of  fine  things  that  the  pro- 
phets said  about  Messiah.  'No,  no ;  it  Avill  never, 
never  answer!  So,  once  again  I  invoked  the  old 
prophets,  and  involuntarily  exclaimed  aloud.  Come 
David,  come  Solomon,  pray  show  me  that  one  or  the 
other  of  you  ^vill  answer  the  character  sought  apart 
from  "  Christ."  David  is  the  first  to  reply.  "  They 
pierced  my  hands  and  my  feet."  How,  crucified  ? 
But  David  was  not  crucified.  Solomon  interposes,  / 
finished  my  work  on  earth  long  before  the  w^ork  of 
my  temple  was  completed.  Here  Daniel's  voice  is 
recognized.  "  In  the  midst  of  the  week  He  shall 
cause  the  sacrifice  and  oblation  to  cease."  Who 
shall  do  this  thing?     Christ?     Impossible! 

In  vain  I  tried  to  settle  down  in  quiet  ignorance. 
My  sleep  would  be  broken  up  at  night,  as  through 
it  came  a  voice  sepulchral,  ^'  His  blood  be  upon  us 
and  on  our  children."  Thus  my  days  and  nights 
were  a  perpetual  torment.  At  length  I  became  the 
victim  of  deep  mental  anguish,  which  was  so  appar-' 
ent  that  I  was  the  butt  and  laughing  stock  of  all  who 
were  in  the  house,  who  called  into  service  their  ut- 
most hilarity  to  deliver  me  from  my  mental  throes. 
O,  that  I  had  then  known  ho7v  to  pray.  I  would  have 
disburdened  my  soul  of  many  a  load.  But,  alas !  I^ 
was  a  stranger  to  both  prayer  and  the  God  who 
hears  it. 

Notwithstanding  all  this  trial  of  mind,  steadily 
was  increasing  my  anxiety  to  find  out  who  other 
than  Christ,  this  Messiah  could  be.     Many  a  time 


STRUGGLING   TO   GET   FREE.  187 

while  reading  the  prophecies,  I  would  pause  in  he- 
wilderment,  and  cry  out,  "Who  is  this  wonderful 
person,  recognized  under  so  many  different  names? 
Can  I  ever  find  on  the  page  of  history,  a  person  who 
is  able  to  concentrate  them  all  in  himself?  If  such 
an  one  can  be  produced,  he,  without  a  doubt,  will  be 
the  true  Messiah.  Again  a  voice  would  have  it  that 
Jesus  of  l^azareth  is  he.  Then  starting  from  a  deep 
thought,  I  hastily  contradicted, . JSTo,  he  is  not;  he 
cannot  be ;  he  is  a  bastard,  an  impostor,  "  the  hanged 
one."  Thus  I  concluded  that  it  was  impossible  that 
such  a  common  character  could  be  the  Messiah — ^yes, 
literally  impossible. 

Here,  a  train  of  thought,  ethical  in  character,  be- 
gan to  exercise  my  mind :  thought,  too,  well  calcu- 
lated to  shut  me  out  forever  from  Christ  as  my 
Saviour. 

The  Law  of  Moses,  teaching  the  doctrine  of  retali- 
ation for  injuries  received,  rose  up  before  me,  as 
presenting  an  insurmountable  difficulty.  Being  ig- 
norant of  the  'New  Testament,  I  very  naturally  rea- 
soned thus :  What  if  Jesus  of  ISTazareth  is  the  true 
Messiah,  and  I  become  cognizant  of  that  fact;  will 
He  not  do  to  me  as  I  have  done  and  still  am  doing 
to  Him  ?  Most  certainly  He  will.  Here  the  Law 
roared  out,  "  'Tis  just  that  he  should."  Then,  I 
responded,  I  will  forever  remain  in  ignorance  of 
Him  :  while  I'm  ignorant  I'm  safe,  but  should  I  ever 
become  acquainted  with  Him,  and  He  treats  me  as 
I  have  treated  Him,  then  neither  Moses  nor  Al)ra- 
ham  will  avail  anything  for  me ;  I  shall  be  damned 
forever.      There  is  no  mercy  for  me.     Imagining 


138  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

that  this  reasoning  was  well-grounded,  I  tried  to  be 
quiet.  But  quiet  I  could  not  be.  I  do  not  even 
now  know  how  to  account  for  it,  but  with  an  out- 
gush  of  tears,  I  wept  for  very  agony  of  soul.  I 
wished  that  I  had  never  been  born,  or  that  Messiah 
had  not  been  foretold. 

The  most  successful  awakener  of  due  appreciation 
of  large  benefits  enjoyed,  is  found  to  be  the  experi- 
ence we  have  after  we  have  lost  them.  0,  how  I 
longed  for  a  friend,  to  whom  I  might  communicate 
my  thoughts  and  feelings.  Hundreds  of  human  be- 
ings daily  flit  like  phantoms  past  me.  Is  there 
among  them  all  one  solitary  friend  ?  If  I  could  find 
but  one  in  this  time  of  need,  I  should  be  happy. 
Yet  not  one  dare  I  trust,  unless  perchance  M.  her- 
self might  be  in  the  crowd.  Yes,  I  can  trust  her 
now,  but  no  one  else.  Could  I  now  have  her  by  my 
side,  I  would  repose  confidence  in  her,  and  to  her  I 
would  unburden  my  whole  heart.  But  I  dare  not 
venture  "  there "  again.  My  own  bad  conduct  had 
shut  the  door  in  that  direction.  True,  pride  rose 
high  against  the  thought  of  again  hearing  about 
"  His  blood,"  yet  I  would  have  endured  even  that,  if 
through  it  I  could  have  found  the  true  Messiah. 
Alas,  I  have  sacrificed  that  friend.  Henceforth  I 
must  live  in  ignorance  without  her. 

Time  passed  by,  leaving  me  a  willing  but  ignorant 
slave  in  the  hands  of  Satan,  to  be  spell-bound  more 
firmly  by  his  powerful  delusions.  My  desire  for 
pleasure,  however,  was  checked,  so  that  my  health 
became  so  nmch  impaired  as  to  excite  the  alarm  of 
our  family  physician.     'No  doubt  he  was  right  in  his 


STRUGGLING   TO    GET   FREE.  139 

conjecture  as  to  my  physical  ailment.  He  said  that 
my  liver  was  deranged :  but  Dr.  Kish  doubtless 
meant — my  heart.  lie  gave  me  a  lump  of  blue-mass 
to  make  into  pills,  and  so  be  swallowed.  I  looked 
at  myself  in  the  glass,  and  concluded  that  I  was  blue 
enouo-h  without  his  pills,  so  throwing  away  the 
ma&g,  I  concluded  that  he  too  was  ignorant  of  my 
malady.     Alas,  Dr.  Kish  could  not  help  me. 

At  length  the  fjimil}^  became  tired  out  and  vexed 
with  me,  because  they  could  not  arouse  me  from  my 
continual  gloom ;  finally  they  left  me  alone,  without 
doctor,  "svithout  a  friend,  to  eke  out  a  most  miserable 
existence.  The  enemy  of  God  and  man  took  advan- 
tage of  my  weakness,  and  presented  to  my  already 
terrified  imagination  the  most  discouraging  picture 
that  the  father  of  lies  could  invent;  so  that  I  con- 
cluded that  nothing  could  possibly  save  me  from 
eternal  death  itself.  Thus  for  several  days  I  groaned 
between  two  dark  clouds.  If  Christ  is  the  Messiah, 
I  shall  be  damned  for  the  wrong  I  have  done  Ilim. 
But  if  Messiah  is  some  other  man,  I  shall  be  damned 
for  my  ignorance  of  him. 

Thus  I  was  drifting  witli  the  current  toward  the 
awful  vortex.  Insanity  would  doubtless  have  been 
my  ultimate  condition,  but  for  the  timely  deliverance 
of  my  ever-blessed  Saviour,  who  sent  me  relief  when 
I  least  expected  it,  and  in  a  manner  that,  to  this  late 
day  and  forevermore,  will  fill  my  unworthy  soul  with 
devout  love  and  gratitude. 


CHAPTEE   XIY. 

THE    BATTLE    RAGING. 

!Many  years  ago  I  learned  that  none  of  God's 
arrangements,  certainly  none  of  the  godly  man's 
life,  comes  by  chance.  Like  all  other  true  Chris- 
tians, I  have  since  been  led  to  watch  the  hand  of 
Providence,  and  have  found  that  I  have  never  been 
in  want  of  a  hand  of  Providence  to  watch.  Earlier 
in  life,  however,  these  peculiar  providences  appeared 
to  me  purely  as  accidents,  and  I  treated  them  as 
such.  Were  they,  in  consequence,  any  less  God's 
pro\idences  ?  Surely  thus  far  I  had  had  abundant 
reason  to  praise  the  Lord,  for  leading  me  along  a 
path  so  exactly  suited  to  my  condition. 

Having  therefore  no  other  word  that  I  can  com- 
mand, to  set  forth  the  ideas  that  then  absorbed  me, 
I  must  say  that  one  day  I  was  more  than  usually 
gloomy.  I  walked  about  the  house,  "  seeking  rest 
but  finding  none."  It  "  happened"  that  in  my  wan- 
derings, I  suddenly  found  myself  down  stairs  in  the 
Gentile  servants'  kitchen.  It  was  no  place  for  me, 
but  the  two  women  being  absent,  I  must  forsooth 
open  a  dresser  drawer.  I  needed  nothing  and  sought 
for  nothing.  Yet  there  was  something  that  the  Lord 
intended  me  to  have.  There  lay  a  book.  I  must 
needs  open  it  at  the  first  chapter  of  the  general  epis- 

140 


THE   BATTLE   RAGING.  141 

tie  of  James.  T  stood  before  the  open  drawer  and 
read  the  chapter  through.  Filled  with  surprise,  I 
trembled  at  reading  an  account  of  my  own  condition, 
especially  in  a  strange  book. 

]N"aturally  enough,  the  title  page  was  referred  to; 
when,  to  my  confusion,  I  read,  *'  The  E'ew  Testa- 
ment of  our  Lord  and  Saviour  Jesus  Christ."  This 
is  the  "  Christian's  book,"  I  exulted.  In  a  moment 
it  came  into  my  heart  to  steal  it  Instantly  I  obeyed 
the  impulse,  and  speedily  put  it  into  my  pocket.  A 
sense  of  guilt  overcame  me ;  fear  of  detection  seized 
my  coward  heart.  Fancying  I  heard  some  one  at 
work  in  an  adjoining  cellar,  I  hurriedly  turned  from 
the  open  drawer,  and  to  the  extent  of  my  strength, 
ran  up  stairs,  taking  two  and  three  steps  at  a  time  ; 
nor  did  I  stop  until  I  safely  entered  my  bed  room. 
Being  perfectly  exhausted,  I  sat  down  to  recover, 
only  however  to  find  myself  plunged  in  a  fearful  di- 
lemma. I  actually  owned  (?)  a  "  New  Testament." 
I  did  not  love  it,  nor  want  it ;  yet  I  had  an  irrepres- 
sible inclination  to  read  it,  if  only  to  show  up  the 
falsity  of  Christianity.  There  was,  however,  a  diffi- 
culty in  the  way,  as  my  brother  lodged  in  the  same 
room  Avith  me,  while  for  me  to  be  detected  reading 
something  new,  and  such  a  book,  would  have  result- 
ed to  me  disastrously.  Sometimes  I  was  disposed  to 
return  the  book  secretly  to  its  place.  To  part  with 
it  altogether,  was  now  out  of  the  question.  I  must 
read  for  myself.  I  must  for  myself  see  what  kind 
of  people  these  Christians  are.  I  must  know  for 
myself  of  what  their  religion  consists.  Swayed  by 
motives  sometimes  honest  and  sometimes  dishonest, 


142  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

I  resolved  upon  hiding  the  doubtful  treasure  until  I 
could  find  a  fair  chance  to  read  it  privately.  It  was 
not  long  before  I  had  my  plans  arranged,  only  await- 
ing maturity ;  to  this  they  soon  attained. 

My  father  had  a  large  manufacturing  establish- 
ment about  two  miles  from  our  dwelling,  for  the 
safety  of  which  it  was  necessary  to  have  somebody 
sleep  upon  the  premises.  A  boy  whom  we  called 
Tom,  had  for  some  time  past  lodged  there  alone. 
Here  was  my  chance.  So  I  proposed  to  my  father, 
that  for  the  better  security  of  the  place,  I  should 
take  up  my  night's  quarters  at  the  warehouse.  To 
this  proposition  he  readily  acceded,  and  the  same 
night  I  became  the  companion  of  Thomas.  I  soon 
found  that  it  was  necessary  to  get  rid  of  him,  and  he 
being  glad  to  be  relieved,  did  not  delay  to  leave  me 
to  myself. 

The  reader  doubtless  imagines  that  in  all  this 
manoeuvering,  I  was  really  actuated  by  the  very 
purest  motive.  I  blush  to  confess  that  the  very  re- 
verse was  the  fact.  True,  I  had  a  strong  desire  to 
read  the  forbidden  book,  but  I  did  not  expect  to  find 
in  it  truth,  or  anything  congenial  to  my  feelings. 
Wliat  I  actually  expected  to  discover,  was  a  tissue 
of  absurdities,  so  grossly  idolatrous  that  just  such  a 
head  as  mine  (replenished  as  it  suddenly  became 
with  "  Bob  Taylor,  the  devil-raiser")  would  be  suffi- 
cient to  explode  the  entire  Christian  religion.  My 
bones  and  Jewish  reputation  were  in  equal  jeopar- 
dy. Mine  was  a  deed  of  darkness.  I  must  be 
alone. 

For  a  long  time  the  poor  servant  girl  was  greatly 


THE   BATTLE   RAGING.  143 

troubled  for  the  loss  of  her  testament.  Whatever 
may  have  been  her  suspicions  about  it,  she  did  not 
once  imagine  that  I  was  the  thief;  consequently  I 
continued  to  have  and  to  hold  undisputed  possession 
until  future  events  ripened,  the  record  of  which  will 
reveal  under  what  circumstances  I  ultimately  re- 
turned it  to  her.  There  is  a  separate  interesting 
fact  in  this  connection,  which  I  have  some  delicacy 
in  speaking  of,  through  fear  you  may  think  I  give  it 
here  for  the  mere  eflect.  It  is  not  so.  I  tell  it  be- 
cause it  has  been  on  my  mind  from  that  time  to  the 
present.  The  names  of  the  two  women  were  Mary 
and  Martha.  I  do  not  know  that  they  were  any  rela- 
tion to  each  other.  It  was  Mary's  Testament  I  ap- 
propriated to  myself. 

I  was  now  burning  for  battle.  The  first  business 
on  hand,  therefore,  was  to  fortify  myself  with  argu- 
ment, that  then  I  might  go  again  to  visit  M.  and  tell 
her  more  about  Jerusalem  than  she  ever  knew.  I 
would  attack  her  religion  in  retaliation,  she  having 
made  an  inroad  upon  mine. 

In  nervous  excitement  I  carelessly  opened  the 
book  at  the  eighth  chapter  of  John.  The  former 
part  of  the  chapter  made  me  so  angry  that  I  was 
goaded  on  to  burn  the  book.  jSTo,  no,  I  can't  do 
that,  I  must  read  more.  The  part  appeared  to  be 
nothing  but  an  accumulation  of  such  nonsense  as 
made  me  think  I  should  have  no  difficulty  in  rooting 
up  Christianity  out  of  the  earth.  Reasonable  as  it 
doubtless  appears,  that  no  thinking  being  could  pos- 
sibly understand  this  or  any  other  book  through  so 
much  prejudice  against  it,  yet  I  continued  to  read 


144  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

detached  portions  as  likely  to  furnisli  me  the  only 
material  I  wanted.  Thus  I  dwelt  on  the  fifty-first 
verse :  "  Yerily,  verily  I  say  unto  you,  if  a  man  keep 
my  sayings  he  shall  never  see  death."  Ha,  ha,  ha. 
Don't  these  Christians  die  as  well  as  Jews  ?  Cer- 
tainly they  do.  Is  not  that  fact  an  evidence  that 
they  don't  "keep"  his  sayings?  Then  I  ask,  is 
there  any  Christian  religion  in  existence  ?  I  reply, 
"  J^o."  So  without  the  least  serious  reflection,  with- 
out even  considering  what  I  was  doing,  I  trium- 
phantly closed  the  book,  exulting  in  my  fancied  con- 
quest. 

On  the  next  day  I  resolved  to  go  at  once  to  visit 
the  girl  preacher,  throw  down  the  gauntlet,  open  the 
combat,  strike  the  first  blow,  (and  the  last  one  too,) 
belch  forth  my  anti-speeches  abruptly  in  the  face  of 
M.,  fight  valiantly  with  my  fifty-first  verse,  tell  her, 
too,  that  the  Jews  were  right  in  saying  that  its  au- 
thor was  "mad"  and  that  he  "had  a  devil,"  prove 
to  her  the  consummate  folly  of  her  religion,  and  so 
overturn  the  whole  scheme.     Certainly ! 

Confident  of  success,  in  the  afternoon  I  sallied 
forth,  like  Saul  of  Tarsus,  to  seek  the  residence  of 
these  Christians,  and  defeat  them  with  their  own 
weapons.  The  book  in  my  pocket,  with  only  two 
places  read,  and  at  the  second  a  leaf  well  turned 
down,  I  arrived  most  valiant  at  the  house.  iN'ever, 
either  before  or  since  this  adventure,  has  my  bosom 
been  inspired  with  higher  confidence  of  success. 
And  never  have  I  been  so  miserably  defeated  and 
completely  beaten  oft'  my  track,  as  at  this  time.  On 
arriving  at  the  door,  I  raised  the  knocker.    JSTo  sooner 


THE   BATTLE    RAGING.  145 

was  the  sound  of  this  heard  than  I  was  seized  with 
such  an  indescrihahle  throbbing  in  my  left  side,  that 
I  would  have  given  all  the  world  rather  than  to  have 
embarked  upon  so  unequal  a  contest.  I  could  not 
now  retire,  for  the  door  was  quickly  opened  by  the 
mother  herself.  There  I  stood,  pale,  trembling,  and 
speechless.  She  invited  me  in,  and  to  be  seated. 
But  once  there,  in  the  presence  of  these  two  holy 
women,  not  a  word  could  I  say.  I  was  utterly  una- 
ble to  carry  out  my  plans.  If  my  confusion  could 
bo  aggravated,  it  was  by  the  smiling  face  of  M.  I 
hated  her  for  her  religion's  sake,  and  for  the  trouble 
into  which  she  had  plunged  me.  There  I  sat,  dumb, 
confounded,  a  victim  of  my  own  madness.  I  knew, 
because  I  felt,  that  Jehovah,  God  Almighty  was 
fighting  against  me. 

An  interval  of  several  minutes  of  quiet  confusion 
ensued,  which  I  occupied  by  looking  at  my  feet. 
Such  conduct  was  too  eccentric  to  escape  the  close 
scrutiny  of  the  ladies.  They  appeared  to  be  struck 
with  astonishment.  At  last  I  was  relieved  by  the 
maternal  voice  of  the  elderly  lady  fiilUng  upon  my 
ear  most  kindly :  "  Mr.  Davis,  what  is  the  cause  of 
your  uneasiness  ?  "  I  could  not  resist  this  pleasant, 
motherly  appeal;  so  in  smothered  voice  I  slowly  an- 
swered, I'm  in  trouble.  After  this  there  fc  Uowed  a 
very  long  and  perfectly  silent  pause.  At  length  the 
same  lady  again  spoke  up.  "  Mr.  Davis,  of  whatever 
nature  your  trouble  is,  I  assure  you  that  you  mav 
find  comfort  in  the  Christian  religion."  This  lan- 
guage aroused  me  from  my  stupor.  I  remembered 
my  errand,  and  clapped  my  hand  upon  the  book  that 
10 


146  AUTO-BIOGRAPHT. 

was  in  my  pocket.  But  before  I  had  time  to  reply, 
she  continued  in  so  kind  a  manner,  "  "Woukl  you  not 
like  to  visit  a  Christian  church,  one  Sunday  ? "  That 
was  enough.  Madam,  I  indignantly  replied,  you 
insult  me.  I  have  never  been  in  such  a  place,  and 
rU  take  care  that  I  am  never  found  there  in  future. 
Chagrined  as  I  felt,  I  could  but  grasp  my  hat  and 
say  good-bye. 

Something  must  have  accelerated  my  motion,  for 
I  arrived  home  in  an  incredibly  short  time.  There  I 
sat,  a  victim  to  pride  and  prejudice,  and  withal  com- 
pletely humbled  at  my  failure.  A  word  has  not  lost 
its  truthfulness  because  it  may  have  become  trite. 
So,  as  a  burned  child  dreads  the  fire,  I  dreaded  to 
have  anything  more  to  do  with  that  mysterious  book. 
Taking  it  out  of  my  pocket,  therefore,  I  determined 
upon  reading  it  no  more.  Still  I  could  not  get  my 
own  consent  to  part  with  it.  I  did  not  at  that  time 
know  why,  but  I  have  learned  since.  The  remain- 
der of  the  week  passed  away,  and  with  it,  I  supposed, 
the  whole  controversy. 

On  the  following  Saturday  night,  I  retired  at  my 
usual  hour,  and  soon  fell  asleep.  About  midnight  I 
was  suddenly  aroused,  by  what  I  never  knew.  In  a 
moment  I  was  as  wide  awake  as  if  I  had  not  been 
sleeping  before.  Being  alone,  I  had  a  fair  chance  to 
think  over  passing  events.  Presently  something 
suggested  that  I  get  up,  dress  myself,  and  go  to  a 
Christian  church.  Kobody  had  insulted  me  this 
time  by  the  proposition;  but  it  did  seem  so  strange 
tliat  such  an  impression  should  possess  me,  that  I  lay 
until  day-break,  my  curiosity  rising  higher  all  the 


THE   CATTLE   RAGING.  147 

time.  Filially  it  readied  such  a  pitch,  that  I  deter- 
mined to  go  at  all  liazard,  and  see  for  myself  what 
the  Christians  did  there.  But  here  a  difficulty  pre- 
sents itself,  and  one  which  I  cannot  set  aside.  I 
am  expected  at  home  for  hreakfast.  Shall  I  go  ?  If 
I  do,  I  must  join  the  family  in  a  Sunday  stroll.  I 
must  close  the  day  in  an  aristocratic  tea-garden. 
Well  this  is  all  good  enough  for  me  :  but  to  church 
I  must  go,  yes,  this  very  day.  I  looked  at  all  the 
difficulties,  and  at  once  determined  to  surmount 
them,  and  go  to  "  church"  without  hreakfast. 

The  bells  soon  announced  the  time;  but  ichere 
should  I  go,  out  of  the  multitude  of  churches  ?  A 
number  of  people,  moving  in  one  direction,  seemed 
to  invite  my  company.  I  followed  them  to  a  place 
of  "  worship." 

Fear  of  detection  prompted  me  to  remain  outside. 
There  I  amused  myself  by  peeping  in  every  time  the 
door  was  opened,  my  curiosity  continuing  on  the  in- 
crease. At  last,  the  house  being  filled,  the  door  was 
left  w^de  open.  The  interior  of  the  place,  in  short 
the  entire  affair  appeared  to  be  very  modest.  It  was 
a  dissenter's  chapel.  I  was  not  then  quite  so  badly 
afflicted  with  deafness  as  now,  and  therefore  I  could 
and  did  listen  to  the  singing  with  satisfaction.  But 
when  the  minister  prayed,  I  gazed  strangely  at  him, 
my  mouth  wide  open.  Can  tongue  of  mortals  de- 
scribe my  surprise,  when  I  heard  him  pray  so  feel- 
ingly, so  fervently,  and  in  tears,  (I  saw  them  fall) 
that  "  God  would  convert  the  Jews."  An  instanta- 
neous impression  seized  me,  favoring  the  idea  that 
if  this  man  means  any  good  by  his  prayer,  he  at  least 


148  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

Cannot  liate  the  Jews  quite  so  badly  as  I  have  always 
imagined  that  the  Christians  do.  Prayer  ended,  I 
heard  another  song ;  and  then  the  minister  proposed 
to  read  the  eighth  chapter  of  John.  In  a  moment  I 
moved  back.  Something  seemed  to  say  to  me,  "  run, 
run." 

'No,  I  won't  run  !  I'm  too  protid  for  that  act :  I 
must  see  the  end.  So,  calling  to  m}^  assistance  all 
my  fortitude,  I  resolved  to  hear  patiently  all  that  I 
eould  under  the  circumstances.  He  now  announced 
his  ''text"  to  be  in  the  same  chapter,  commencing 
at  the  forty-eighth  verse  and  running  to  the  end  of 
the  chapter.  I  stood  as  one  petrified.  (I  did  not 
know  the  ways  of  the  Lord.)  Presently  he  read  the 
fifty-sixth  verse,  and  I  thought  he  looked  directly  in 
my  eye.  In  alarm  I  started  back,  cursing  the  Chris- 
tian in  my  heart.  There  now,  thought  I,  that  old 
hag  and  her  daughter  are  nothing  better  than  witch- 
es ;  they  have  told  the  preacher  of  my  past  week's 
trouble  upon  this  very  subject. — I  thought  that  the 
whole  thing  was  gotten  up  to  persecute  me  because 
I  was  a  Jew.  Yet  wonderful  as  it  may  appear,  I 
could  not  retire !  I  must  hear  it  out.  The  theme 
was,  "  The  controversy  between  Jews  and  Chris- 
tians." Jesus  Christ  in  the  character  of  the  Eternal 
God,  both  undertype  and  as  antitype,  was  most 
beautifully  touched  upon  and  briefly  treated  of.  I 
had  heard  argument.  Here  was  a  basis  for  thought 
I  did  think,  but  my  heart  was  so  hard ;  I  turned 
away. 

The  congregation  was  at  last  dismissed.  A  more 
\\retched  mortal  than  I  surely  never  lived.     I  turned 


THE   BATTLE   RAGINQ.  149 

toward  home  with  a  murmuring  soul.  "  His  blood  " 
kept  pace  with  me.  Conscience  whispered,  Christ 
is  the  true  Messiah,  the  eternal  God,  The  glorious  I 
Am.  Abraham  saw  Him  in  figure  on  Moriah.  Mo- 
ses saw  Ilim  at  Horeb.  He  was  an  Israelite,  of  the 
house  of  David  through  Mary.  He  is  most  certainly 
the  true  Messiah.  If  now,  I  was  not  awakened,  I 
was  alarmed. 

As  I  walked  homeward  slowly  and  sadly,  I  was 
startled  by  somebody  merrily  shouting  near  me,  in 
long  and  deliberate  annunciation,  "  Sh-o-l-u-m  A-l-i- 
c-h-e-m."  It  was  my  brother!  "Where  the  d — 
have  you  been?  Why  didn't  you  come  home  to 
breakfast?"  I  don't  want  breakfast,  nor  dinner 
either,  I  replied  curtly.  On  hearing  this,  he  burst 
out  into  a  fit  of  laughter.  "  I  suppose,"  taunted  he, 
"  that  you  have  lost  your  *  ^ve  hundred  pounds : ' 
now  it's  my  turn  to  laugh."  His  jocose  retort  exci- 
ted a  suspicion  that  I  had  been  detected  at  the 
church.  I  looked  him  full  in  the  face,  and  reading 
ignorance  of  the  facts,  I  pushed  on  for  home.  On 
arriving,  I  was  beset  on  all  hands  and  made  to  sub- 
mit to  a  rigid  cross-examination.  I  told  my  sioiy 
with  jovial  mien.  Each  successive  falsehood  looked 
so  like  truth,  that  they  swallowed  the  amalgam,  and 
then  permitted  me  to  retire  to  my  quiet  musings.  I 
was  so  glad  when  night  came,  because  then  I  retired 
to  my  sohtary  lodging  at  the  warehouse.  The  Om- 
niscient only  knows  how  many  severe,  torturing 
pangs  of  mind  I  suficred.  That  day's  experience 
threw  down  my  prop.  The  tables  were  turned  upon 
myself. 


150  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

"  Seek  ye  the  Lord  while  He  may  be  found,  call  ye  upon  Him  while 
He  is  near.  Let  the  wicked  lorsake  his  way  and  the  unrighteous  man 
his  thoughts ;  and  let  him  return  unto  the  Lord,  and  He  will  have 
mercy  upon  him ;  and  to  our  God,  for  He  will  abundantly  pardon. 
For  My  thoughts  are  not  your  thoughts,  neither  are  your  ways  My 
waj's,  saith  the  Lord ;  for  as  the  heavens  are  higher  tlian  the  earth,  so 
are  My  ways  higher  than  your  ways,  and  My  thoughts  than  your 
thoughts.  For  as  the  rain  cometh  down  and  the  snow  from  heaven, 
and  returneth  not  thither,  but  watereth  the  earth  and  maketh  it 
bring  forth  and  bud,  that  it  may  give  seed  to  the  sower  and  bread  to 
the  eater,  so  shall  My  Word  be  that  goeth  forth  out  of  My  mouth ;  it 
shall  not  return  unto  Me  void,  but  it  shall  accomplish  that  which 
I  please,  and  it  shall  prosper  in  the  thing  whereto  I  sent  it."  (Isaiah 
Iv:  6-11.) 

Ignorant  as  I  tlien  was  of  the  practical  force  of 
tins  genuine  old  scripture,  I  could  not  unravel  the 
mystery  oi  my  first  visit  to  a  Christian  church.  Sim- 
ilar leadings  of  the  divine  mind  were,  with  this, 
made  apparent  in  my  future  experience.  I  have 
with  holy  awe  repeatedly  witnessed  that  what  the 
prophet  says  of  the  Lord's  ways,  words  and  thoughts, 
is  as  truthful  to-day,  in  the  preaching  of  Jesus  Christ, 
as  it  was  twenty-six  hundred  years  ago.  Perhaps 
the  reader  can  rememher  how  angry  he  may  have 
been  at  his  minister  for  making  his  condition  public. 
You  said  that  he  literally  personated  you.  Or  per- 
haps you  may  remember  how  wonderful  it  seemed, 
when  a  sermon  was  preached  on  the  identical  text, 
subject,  or  theme,  that  had  been  to  you  a  source  of 
great  perplexity.  And  again,  how  often  have  ^^ou 
left  the  house  of  God  rejoicing  in  the  great  encour- 
agement to  persevere  as  a  follower  of  Christ,  that 
you  received  from  his  lips.  Surely  3'ou  are  not  igno- 
rant, dear  reader,  that  all  of  this  is  of  the  Lord.  I 
am  a  believer  in  special  providences.  You  must  be 
also,  because  you  are  a  recipient  of  these  divine  at- 
tentions as  well  as  myself. 


THE   BATTLE   RAGING.  151 

Tlie  Lord  inspires  His  ministers  with  strong  desire 
to  preach ;  often  lie  directs  His  servant's  mind  to 
the  portion,  suhject,  or  thouglit  best  fitted  to  be 
treated,  at  the  very  time  when  you  are  inwardly 
prompted  to  break  through  every  barrier  and  go  to 
church.  As  a  result,  it  may  be  that  you  continue 
to  this  day  rejoicing  in  Christ  Jesus,  as  by  the  grace 
of  God  I  do  now. 

Never  before  had  I  reaUzed  my  ignorance  as  I  did 
on  that  day  at  church.  And  although  my  force  was 
routed  and  myself  wounded,  yet,  such  was  my  invet- 
erate hatred  of  Christianity,  I  determined  to  fight  it 
to  the  bitter  end.  In  vain  tried  I  to  make  out 
that  day's  business  nothing  but  a  hoax,  played  oflT 
at  my  expense.  Foiled  on  every  hand,  my  heart 
grew  harder.  At  length,  reason  appeared  to  awake ; 
but  she  led  me  only  deeper  into  the  difficulty.  I 
could  not  be  reconciled  to  receive  Christ  as  the  Mes- 
siah, and  was  still  determined  to  frustrate  Christian- 
ity by  means  of  its  own  words.  I  dared  not  admit 
even  the  merest  probability  in  His  favor.  This 
much  would  lead  me  trembling  into  the  condition 
of  the  eternally  damned.  Every  evil  power  was 
invoked  to  help  me.  Every  argument  was  carefully 
reviewed  and  mapped  out.  In  my  distress,  they 
nevertheless  failed  me.  Driven  to  distraction,  I 
cried  wilfully,  Christ  is  not  the  Messiah ;  He  must 
not  be ;  He  shall  not.  He  shall  not  be. 

A  tedious  night  of  troublesome  dreams  was  at 
last  succeeded  by  another  morning  sun,  rising  in- 
deed upon  "  the  just  and  the  unjust."  For  who  can 
fathom  the  deep  pit  of  black  ingratitude.     Awake, 


152  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

I  saw  that  glorious  luminary  rapidly  rising,  only  to 
curse  it ;  and  seizing  its  precious  liglit,  now  shining 
upon  the  already  opened  testament,  I  used  it  to  help 
me  find  the  internal  offensive  argument  I  was 
prompted  to  look  for.  Evil  as  my  motive  was  in 
reading  on  that  occasion,  yet  did  the  Lord  overrule 
my  work  for  good.  He  had  numbered  the  links  in 
the  Devil's  chain,  and  throughout  my  tribulation  he 
said  to  the  enemy,  "  Thus  far  shalt  thou  come  and 
no  farther."     All  glory  be  to  His  holy  name. 

During  an  experience  of  thirty-four  years  in  the 
Christian  life,  I  have  ever  noticed  how  much  easier 
it  is  for  a  man  to  cavil  than  to  meet  a  question  hon- 
orably, lieading  one  day  the  twenty-second  of  Mat- 
thew, I  dwelt  a  while  on  verses  twenty-three  and 
thirty-three  inclusive.  Anybody,  hooted  I,  could 
have  made  up  that  story  if  he  had  read  my  man, 
Moses.  Compare  Deut.  xxv :  5-10.  But  when  I 
read  from  the  forty-second  verse  to  the  end  of  the 
chapter,  I  confess  that  I  was  entirely  at  a  loss.  I 
tried  to  smother  it  up  in  the  same  way,  only  we 
would  have,  as  accomplice,  David  instead  of  Moses. 
Acquainted  as  I  was  with  both  of  these  holy  men,  I 
only  now  began  to  inquire  into  the  meaning  of  their 
words.  But  so  eager  was  I  to  find  some  counter 
argument,  that  I  flew  in  my  own  face,  questioning 
the  common-sense  veracity  of  my  own  acknowledged 
scriptures.  The  questions  in  the  forty-second  verse 
appeared  to  be  put  to  me,  and  answer  them  I  must: 
''  AVliat  think  ye  of  Christ  ?  Whose  son  is  He  ? 
They  say  unto  him,  '  The  son  of  David.'  "  The  re- 
maining verses  were  a  perfect  blank.     I  could  not 


THE   BATTLE   RAGING.  153 

comprcliend  tliem.  I  turned  to  Psalm  ex:  1;  l)ut 
all  was  as  blank  as  ever.  In  this  dilemma,  I  resort- 
ed to  the  last  subterfuge  of  the  skeptic,  a  very  plaus- 
ible reason,  only  predicated  upon  false  premises. 
Can  a  man  be  the  son  of  two  men,  can  he  have  two 
fathers  ?  How  then  can  Christ  be  both  David's  son 
and  God's  son  ?  Here  two  apparent  arguments  pre- 
sented themselves,  at  which  my  wicked  soul  exulted. 
The  first  was  the  impossibility  of  the  relationship 
between  Christ  and  David.  Second,  reason  averred 
that  it  is  impossible  for  God,  who  is  no  corporeality, 
to  have  a  son.  At  this,  I  fell  back  upon  my  old, 
hackneyed  quibbling,  if  God  can  have  one  son,  why 
not  two,  and  why  not  have  daughters  as  well  ?  All 
this  apeared  to  be  too  preposterous  to  apply  to  the 
great  God.  I  pushed  away  the  book,  exultantly  tri- 
umphant. If  you  ask  me  whose  son  you  are,  was 
my  conceit,  I  tell  you  plainly  in  reply,  either  you 
are  no  son  at  all,  or  you  are  the  son  of  the  Devil. 

Enraptured  at  my  ingenuity  in  bringing  sucli  hid- 
den mysteries  to  light,  I  concluded  that  I  had  accom- 
plished my  purpose,  having  produced  incontrover- 
tible arguments.  Once  more  I  smiled  complacently 
with  a  settled  mind.  And  to  secure  lasting  quiet 
from  this  perplexing  question,  I  invoked  two  hiding 
places,  in  one  of  which  I  thrust  the  book,  while  into 
the  other  I  made  crawl  Moses  himself 

But  what  can  mortal  man  expect  to  accomplish 
when  he  entereth  the  battle  against  the  Almighty  ? 
Let  the  word  of  the  Lord  give  answer.  "  The  wick- 
ed man  travail eth  with  pain  all  his  days,  and  the 
number  of  years  that  are  laid  up  for  the  oppressor. 


154  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

A  dreadful  sound  is  in  his  ears ;  in  prosperity  the 
destroyer  shall  come  upon  him.  He  beheveth  not 
that  he  shall  return  out  of  darkness,  and  he  is  des- 
tined for  the  sword.  He  wandereth  abroad  for 
bread;  where  is  it?  He  knoweth  that  a  day  of 
darkness  is  ready  at  his  hand.  Trouble  and  anguish 
make  him  afraid — prevail  against  him  as  a  king 
ready  for  the  battle.  For  he  stretcheth  out  his  hand 
against  God,  and  strengtheneth  himself  against  the 
Almighty.  He  runneth  upon  him  with  stiffened 
neck,  with  the  thick  bosses  of  his  bucklers."  (Job 
XV :  20-26.) 

This  then,  0  mortal,  is  the  mirror  reflecting  you 
as  well  as  me.  0,  do  not  turn  away  from  reproof. 
Alas  that  I  did.  "  Hast  thou  an  arm  like  God  ?  or 
canst  thou  thunder  with  a  voice  like  Him  ?  "  Yet 
once  more  listen  to  that  voice.  "  The  wdcked  are 
like  the  troubled  sea  when  it  cannot  rest,  whose 
waters  cast  up  mire  and  dirt.  There  is  no  peace, 
saith  my  God,  to  the  wicked."     (Isaiah  Ivii :  20,  21.) 

In  spite  of  my  determination  to  dismiss  the  entire 
question,  I  soon  found  that  I  could  not  quiet  my 
conscience  as  easily  as  I  had  imagined.  "His  blood  " 
— that  last  Sunday — the  evidence  that  Messiah  had 
been  on  earth,  with  a  score  of  facts  that  appeared 
favorable  to  Christianity,  crowding,  pressing,  and 
looming  up  before  me,  were  a  source  of  constant 
trouble,  overpowering  all  my  effort  to  keep  calm  :  so 
much  so  that,  as  the  week  was  passing,  my  desire 
increased  to  hear  that  same  preacher  and  in  his  own 
church.  Toward  the  end  of  the  week,  the  impulse 
was  irresistible.     AVhen  the  next  Sunday  arrived,  I 


THE    BATTLE   RAGING.  155 

took  my  breakfast  at  home,  then  sauntered  out  for  a 
stroll,  and  ere  I  was  aware,  I  was  on  my  way  to 
"  Spencer  Place  Chapel.'^ 

On  reaching  the  place,  I  found  that  the  congrega- 
tion was  gathering,  so  fearing  that  I  might  be  de- 
tected or  recognized  by  the  preacher,  I  entered  at 
another  door  and  took  my  seat  boldly  in  the  body 
of  the  house.  In  the  singing  and  praying  I  took  no 
interest :  I  wanted  instruction.  Tlie  Lord  arranged 
everything  to  meet  my  case;  the  text  for  the  occasion 
was  Matthew  twenty-second  chapter,  part  of  the  for- 
ty-second verse.     "  What  think  ye  of  Christ  ?  ^' 

His  text  announced,  I  caught  a  glimpse  of  the 
speaker's  eye,  trying  as  I  was  to  detect,  if  possible, 
that  design  was  aboard.  My  heart  jumped;  it  beat 
hard.  I  looked  about,  and  even  turned  around  to 
see  whether  I  could  not  leave  the  house ;  but  a  sense 
of  self-respect  deterred  me  from  making  so  ridicu- 
lous an  appearance  or  rather  disappearance  from 
among  that  large  congregation.  Thus,  obliged  to 
remain,  I  could  but  hear  the  sermon  entire.  The 
minister  first  stated  tbe  question  explicitly.  Then 
he  proceeded  to  show  what  different  people  do  think 
of  Christ.  Jews  tliink  that  He  is  an  impostor.  The 
Unitarians  deem  Him  a  good  man.  The  sinner 
thinks  that  He  is  unmerciful.  The  Christian  feels 
that  He  is  the  Eternal  God,  the  true  Messiah.  Turn- 
ing from  current  opinions,  he  told  us  what,  as  he 
thought,  we  ought  to  think  of  Christ :  and  lastly, 
some  of  the  evidences  of  His  being  all  that  He  said 
He  was. 

I  sat  motionless,  listening  to  the  "man  of  God" 


156  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

as  he  discoursed  on  the  "  miraculous  conception  in  a 
virgin,"  setting  forth  the  union  of  the  Godhead  with 
humanity.  Christ  was,  on  earth,  "  God  in  man." 
Advancing  as  he  was  victoriously  with  his  theme, 
tracing  "  the  evidences  "  of  the  Messiahship  of  Christ, 
I  listened  with  undivided  attention.  Hitherto  I  had 
been  motionless,  unconscious  of  the  effect  of  all  this. 
Suddenly  I  was  seized  with  trembling,  my  knees 
smote  together.  The  force  of  Gospel  truth  was  too 
keen  for  me.  It  cut  down  deep  into  my  soul.  I 
could  not  longer  resist  the  conviction  that  Jesus 
Christ  is  the  true  Messiah.  Startled  from  this  deep 
thought,  however,  I  found  the  enemy  of  my  soul 
suggesting,  "  Ah,  that's  all  very  fine  talk,  but  he 
has  not  proved  that  Christ  is  both  David's  and  God's 
son."  Certainly  he  had  said  enough  to  satisfy  hon- 
est inquiry.  And  his  time  had  expired.  So  closing 
his  book,  he  announced  his  intention  of  pursuing 
the  same  subject  on  the  next  Sunday,  when  he 
would  trace  Christ's  genealogy  from  Adam  up,  and 
so  prove  that  he  sprang  from  the  tribe  of  Judah. 
At  this  instant  it  would  have  required  considerable 
presence  of  mind  to  have  persuaded  me  that  all  eyes 
were  not  upon  me.  Agitated  and  trembling,  I 
looked  about  me  for  evidence  that  I  was  scrutinized. 
My  sight  failed ;  I  could  not  see  a  single  feature ;  all 
was  expressionless. 

When  we  were  dismissed,  I  turned  toward  home, 
ooiitcniplatiiig  the  mysteries  of  the  day.  So  won- 
dei'ful  did  the  chain  of  events  appear,  that  I  would 
frequently  exclaim.  Is  this  Christianity  ?  There  were 
several  circumstances  that  appeared  to  me  to  be  un- 


THE   BATTLE    RAGING.  157 

ac\'ouiitable.  But  above  all  was  the  coincidence,  tlie 
l)i\'aclier  arriving  at  my  identical  thoughts  and  ex- 
pressing them  publicly.  The  controversy  between 
Jews  and  Christians  was  exhibited  in  so  clear  a  light, 
that  I  felt  confident  he  both  recognized  me  and 
knew  my  state  of  mind.  Upon  one  occasion  when 
he  l)ecame  warmly  engaged,  he  raised  both  his  arms 
high,  and  in  a  loud  tone  of  voice  cried,  "  I  would  to 
God  that  there  might  be  a  Jew  in  this  house  now, 
listening  to  me."  I  turned  pale.  As  he  lowered 
his  hands  gradually,  seeming  to  point  them  steadily 
toward  me  until  they  rested  upon  the  desk — I  know 
not  why;  yes  I  do — guilt  made  me  dodgo.  "  There 
now,"  chimed  in  Satan,  "  you  are  detected.  See  the 
treachery  of  this  new  religion.  It  is  not  half  so  pure 
as  old  Moses." 

A  very  slow  walk  brought  me  home.  I  assumed 
as  cheerful  a  countenance  as  possible,  and  artfully 
evaded  the  troublesome  questions  of  the  family. 
Soon  I  was  left  alone,  to  reflect ! 

O,  that  I  could  have  then  cheerfully  yiekled,  1 
should  have  been  spared  the  agonizing  reflections 
that  tormented  me  the  whole  of  the  week.  How 
many  times  I  murmured.  Can  it  be  that  Christians 
are  right  after  all  ?  Is  it  possible  that  what  I  have 
heard  is  true  ?  If  it  be  true,  then  Jesus  of  Kazaratli 
is  indeed  the  true  Messiah,  while  I  and  my  father's 
liouse  are  lost  forever.  I  shuddered  at  the  thought, 
and  in  stubborn  agony  of  soul  gave  vent  to  my  feel- 
inscs.  Xo !  he  is  not,  he  is  not.  The  Christians  are 
deluded.  Christ  is  an  impostor. — Then  I  would 
examine  the  evidences  in  Ilis  favor,  not  one  of  which 


158  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

could  I  resist.  The  minister  had  told  me  that  "  no 
man  has  ever  answered  to  the  character  which  the 
sacred  prophets  give  of  the  Saviour  hut  Jesus  of 
Xazareth:  he  has  answered  every  particular."  I 
knew  that  what  he  said  was  true  of 'many  Jewish 
pretenders.  I  knew  that  they  all  are  proven  to  he 
nothing  but  base  impostors.  But  w^hcn  I  considered 
the  perpetuity  of  the  Christian  religion ;  when  led 
to  observe  the  striking,  living  evidence  of  the  Mes- 
siahship  of  Jesus,  in  the  extension  and  effects  of  His 
religion,  in  bewilderment  I  groaned,  "  0  God,  is  it 
true?"  If  it  be,  then  certainly  "His  blood"  will 
rest  angrily  and  forever  upon  us  poor  Jews.  He 
will  diive  us  forth,  to  eke  out  a  miserable  existence 
throughout  time,  and  afterward  cast  us  into  ever- 
lasting curses. 

Hemmed  in  on  every  side  by  the  power  of  God, 
my  unyielding  heart  resolved  to  make  one  more 
desperate  effort.  I^ever  will  I  confess  myself  to  be 
conquered,  until  the  very  last  effort  that  I  can  make 
shall  either  fail  me  or  be  crushed  out.  If  I  must 
fiill,  all  my  force  shall  fall  with  me !  Thus  I  grew 
desperate.  Only  one,  little  consolation  seemed  now 
to  afford  me  a  refuge.  This  was  founded  in  the 
hope,  aye,  exultant  expectation,  that  on  the  next 
Sunday  the  minister  would  fail  to  prove  that  Jesus 
Christ  w^as  both  David's  and  God's  son.  I  flattered 
myself  that  I  should  gain  this  consolation,  on  the 
ground  of  my  own  reasoning.  Christians,  ran  my 
argument,  cannot  make  it  appear  that  they  believe 
in  but  one  God,  when  they  try  to  make  out  three 
persons  who,  without  doubt,  must  be  three  separate 


THE   BATTLE   RAGINQ.  159 

Gods.  All  this  looked  so  plausible  that  my  mind 
became  in  a  measure  tranquil.  I  once  more  settled 
dosvn  quietly,  scheming  to  carry  out  plans  which 
should  enable  me  to  hear  the  remainder  of  that  ser- 
mon on  the  following  Sunday ;  for  then  I  anticipated 
a  perfect  failure.  3Iy  plan  was  to  keep  quiet. 
God's  plan  was  to  make  it  self-evident  that  "  there 
is  no  peace  to  the  wicked."  If  ever  w^retched  man 
strove  against  the  operations  of  the  Eternal  Spirit,  I 
did  during  that  week.  I  tried  to  close  up  the  vision, 
stop  the  controversy,  d^vrnk  wine,  be  quiet  and  sleep. 
But  the  Lord  said,  "  ISTot  so."  In  spite  of  myself, 
my  trouble  of  mind  increased  daily.  Agony  fol- 
lowed agony,  until  I  wished  that  I  could  die.  To 
this  day,  I  am  praising  God  for  the  sore  trial  of  mind 
I  endured  that  woek.  I  was  wicked ;  I  could  not 
have  peace.  A  thousand  times  I  wished  that  I 
could  be  reconciled  to  Taylor's  infidelity.  But  no, 
there  is  a  God,  and  a  Judgment,  and  an  Eternity 
to  come.  Thither  I  am  hastening;  and  with  the 
awful  judgment  in  view,  I  trembled  at  the  thought 
of  meetinof  there  none  other  than  the  hated  ^aza- 
rene,  if  indeed  lie  is  the  Saviour.  Thus  my  mo- 
ments harassed  me  as  the  time  rolled  on.  And  ere 
I  was  prepared  for  the  dawn  of  the  greatest  day  of 
my  life  so  far,  Sunday  arrived  again.  I  did  not  wel- 
come the  day.  I  actually  trembled  at  the  thought 
of  going  again  to  a  Christian  church.  But  go  I 
must,  and  go  I  did. 

At  the  time  of  starting,  a  mountain  of  temptations 
were  thrown  in  my  way,  as  obstacles  against  going. 
But  I  felt  that  I  was  under  an  obligation  to  hear 


160  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

that  sermon.  So  commanding  all  my  resolution  to 
evade  the  curiosity  of  the  family,  I  was  presently 
once  more  on  the  road  to  church.  This  time  I  en- 
tered with  the  audience,  as  though  I  were  one  of 
them.  But,  scarcely  seated,  a  feeling  of  indescriba- 
bly solemn  ^iw^e  crept  over  me.  I  had  never  experi- 
enced anything  like  it  in  all  my  synagogue  worship 
in  days  past.  The  place  was  holy :  I  was  in  the  pre- 
sence of  God ! — The  opening  exercises  were  as  usual. 
The  twenty-second  chapter  of  Matthew  was  read, 
and  the  text  marked  off  was  from  verse  forty-two  to 
the  end  of  the  chapter. 

The  introduction  was  peculiarly  impressive.  The 
minister  now  showed  us  who  Christ  is  by  treating 
briefly  His  genealogy,  thus  showing  how  he  was 
connected  with  David's  family.  Then  came  the  mi- 
raculous conception  in  fulfilment  of  Isaiah  vii :  14, 
and  xi  to  the  end,  a  part  of  which  is  yet  to  be  ful- 
filled. Then  he  spoke  of  the  adaptedness  of  Jesus 
Christ  to  the  necessities  of  mankind.  For  a  long 
time  he  continued  to  pour  truth  upon  truth,  all  sa- 
voring of  Christ,  whom  he  extolled  in  the  highest 
terms.  He  rolled  forth  such  volumes  of  Christianity 
that  he  made  me  see  how,  through  this  self-same, 
despised  Jesus  of  Kazareth,  "  Heaven  and  earth  are 
reconciled."  The  feet  of  His  humanity  walked  with 
us.  The  hands  of  His  divinity  laid  hold  on  the  eter- 
nal Throne.  He  formed  a  new  communication  for 
mankind  from  earth  to  glory.  To  Him  was  to  be 
ap[i]io(l  the  whole  of  Isaiah  liii,  and  very  much  more. 

All  this  I  bore,  though  with  considerable  emotion. 
But  when  he  spoke  of  the  loving  heart  of  the  ever 


THE  BATTLE   RAGING.  161 

merciful  Saviour,  as  exemplified  in  His  praying 
for  His  enemies,  "Father,  forgive  them  for  they 
know  not  what  they  do,"  thereby  giving  us  the  assu- 
rance that  His  very  destroyers  themselves  might  find 
in  Plim  favor  and  pardon — ah,  then  I  could  bear  up 
no  longer.  This  was  indeed  "  good  news."  1  had 
not  expected  it.  I  had  only  thought  of  damnation. 
l^ow  I  am  told  that  I,  His  destroyer,  I,  who  had  been 
all  my  life  sanctioning  the  bloody  deed  of  my  fath- 
ers ;  I,  who  had  been  so  long  fighting  against  Him, 
may,  after  all !  find  mercy  and  pardon.  And  will  He 
indeed  pardon  such  a  vile  enemy  as  I  ?  The  man 
of  God  said,  He  will ;  the  word  of  God  said.  He  will. 
Now  trust  Him,  try  Him,  "  come  with  us." 

Really,  this  was  more  than  I  could  bear.  My 
heart  beat  hard ;  my  very  soul  rose  to  my  eyes,  and 
gushed  out  in  a  copious  flood  of  tears.  O  that  I 
could  have  wept  on  bitterly,  very  bitterly ;  I  would 
not  have  restrained  a  single  tear.  I  buried  my  face 
until  they  sang  the  closing  hymn.  For  a  moment  I 
felt  a  fear  of  detection ;  and,  to  be  sure,  on  venturing 
to  raise  my  head  that  I  might  cautiously  look  around 
me,  there,  to  my  utter  amazement,  sat  both  M.  her- 
self and  her  identical  mother,  looking  directly  at  me. 
I  shrunk  from  their  gaze,  and  would  have  sunk  into 
the  earth,  if  I  could.  !N"ow,  it  flashed  upon  me,  I'm 
most  certainly  detected ;  my  ruin  is  sealed.  0  how 
wn-etchedly  I  felt.  I  left  the  place  with  a  crowded, 
bursting  mind.  Christ  was  all  my  thought.  The 
!N'azarene  had  conquered  me,  but  I  could  not  ac- 
knowledge myself  to  be  beaten.  When  I  reached 
my  room,  I  silently  brooded  over  my  strange  experi- 
11 


162  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

ence.  Every  argument  but  too  plainly  declared  that 
Christ  is  truly  the  Messiah,  the  Son  of  God  anointed. 

With  such  reflections  as  these,  I  naturally  became 
more  despondent  about  the  salvation  of  my  soul. 
The  truth  that  Jesus  Christ  was  equal  to  His  preten- 
sions, that  He  is  the  true  Messiah,  God  in  man,  the 
Seed  of  the  Woman,  the  Shiloh,  the  Saviour,  crowd- 
ed upon  me  with  irresistible  power.  So  forcibly  did 
it  grapple  with  my  mind,  that  often  I  cried  out  in 
agony,  0  wretched  sinner  that  I  am,  how  can  I  be 
saved  ?  True,  I  had  both  read  and  heard  that  the 
worst  of  sinners  might  find  pardon  in  Jesus ;  still  my 
constant  concern  was,  will  He  save  most  miserable 
me,  save  me  from  my  own  just  deserts  ?  Can  I  be 
saved  ?  Satan  would  have  it,  "  I^o,  no !  your  over- 
throw is  just."  Ah,  me!  there  is  no  hope.  I 
must  be  damned  ! 

My  situation  appeared  to  be  so  utterly  hopeless 
that  it  drove  me  to  the  brink  of  distraction.  In  my 
heart  I  cursed  the  rabbins  because  they  had  misled 
me  and  kept  me  so  long  in  darkness.  Still,  I  could 
not  yield  myself  to  Christ  as  my  Saviour.  Many 
days  passed,  leaving  and  finding  me  as  changeable, 
as  unchanged  as  the  wind.  Sometimes  I  was  almost 
persuaded ;  then  again,  doubting ;  then  yielding  to 
an  abstact  probability ;  until  I  was  borne  on  again  to 
the  fearful  conclusion,  He  is  not,  He's  not ;  I  cannot, 
I canH ! 


CHAPTER  XV. 

MESSIAH'S    VICTORY. 

*  "Who  shall  lay  anything  to  the  charge  of  God's  elect  ?  it  is  God  that 
justifleth.  Who  is  lie  that  condemneth  ?  it  is  Christ  that  died,  yea 
rather  that  is  risen  again,  who  is  even  at  the  right  hand  of  God, 
who  also  maketh  intercession  for  iis.  Who  shall  separate  us 
from  the  love  of  Christ?  shall  tribulation,  or  distress,  or  persecu- 
tion, or  famine,  or  nakedness,  or  peril,  or  sword  (as  it  is  written, 
for  thy  sake  we  are  killed  all  the  day  long,  we  are  accounted  as 
sheep  for  the  slaughter)  ?  Nay,  in  all  these  things  we  are  rnoro 
than  conquerors  through  Him  that  loved  us :  for  I  am  persuaded 
that  neither  death,  nor  life,  nor  angels,  nor  principalities,  nor 
powers,  nor  things  present,  nor  things  to  come,  nor  height,  nor 
depth,  nor  any  other  creature  shall  be  able  to  separate  us  from 
the  love  of  God,  which  is  in  Christ  Jesus,  our  Lord. 

Subsequent  experience  has  confirmed  me  in  the 
belief  of  the  above  precious  truth.  But  I  had  to 
learn  first  how  unwillingly  the  enemy  of  man  yields 
to  the  conquering  authority  of  the  Almighty.  The 
weapon  that  he  raises  against  the  people  of  God  turns 
completely  over,  falling  upon  his  own  head.  To-day 
I  live  a  witness  to  this  truth. 

Driven  to  desperation,  I  resolved  upon  one  more 
eftbrt  to  destroy  Christianity  with  its  own  weapons. 
To  accomplish  this,  I  proposed  to  read  the  l^ew  Tes- 
tament regularly  through.  This  time  I  determined 
to  make  an  honest  business  of  it.  So  with  the  Old 
Testament  on  one  side,  the  New  on  the  other,  and 
the  Hebrew  in  front  of  me,  I  formally  commenced, 
comparing    one   with   the    other   as   I  progressed. 

1G3 


164  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

"  IN'ow  I'll  end  the  controversy."  The  more  labori- 
ous my  research,  the  more  was  I  impressed  with  the 
true  character  of  Jesus.  If  I  had  been  acquainted 
with  the  'New  Testament  when  an  infidel,  I  should 
have  said  with  Porphyry  that  it  was  all  wi'itten 
"  after  the  events."  In  the  person  of  Jesus  Christ  I 
found  an  exact  fulfilment  of  the  old  prophecies.  I 
was  struck  with  the  harmony  between  the  two  books 
throughout.  Existing  facts  attested  their  common 
truth.  My  own  nation  were  wide-spread  witnesses. 
If  Daniel  and  Isaiah  had  lived  at  the  time  of  Christ, 
there  might  be  some  ground  to  suspect  a  forgery. 
But  from  their  respective  periods  of  about  ^yq  and 
seven  hundred  years  before  the  nativity  of  Jesus, 
both  speak  so  accurately  respecting  the  time  of  His 
birth.  His  character,  life,  passion,  death,  and  resur- 
rection, that  I  could  no  longer  permit  a  particle  of 
doubt  to  remain  with  me.  By  the  time  I  had  fin- 
ished the  ^ew  Testament,  I  cried  out,  "  Depart  from 
me,  O  Lord,  for  I  am  a  sinful  man." 
•  The  examination  of  the  sacred  books  occupied 
several  weeks,  each  day  of  which  passed  leaving  me 
still  stronger  in  the  faith  of  Christ.  By  this  time  I 
perfectly  knew  what  would  be  the  temporal  conse- 
quence of  receiving  Christ  as  my  Sa\dour.  I  did  not 
feel  strong  enough  for  the  ordeal  that  I  knew  must 
necessarily  be  undergone.  In  my  very  self  had  been 
disclosed  evidence  that  the  same  inveterate  spirit 
which  characterized  my  people  when  they  madly 
"  cried  out  the  more  exceedingly,  crucify  Him,"  and 
when  "  answered  all  tlie  people  and  said.  His  blood 
be  on  us  and  on  our  children,"  clung  to  them  mali- 


MESSIAHS    VICTORY.  165 

ciously  as  ever.  The  word  of  Christ  admonished  me 
to  "  count  the  cost."  I  saw  the  truth,  I  read  the 
truth,  and  in  my  heart  I  felt  its  power.  I  had  no 
more  opposition  arguments ;  and  consequently  yield- 
ed to  the  only  alternative,  by  force  of  circumstances, 
to  receive  Christ  as  the  only  true  Messiah,  and  give 
credit  to  all  His  pretensions.  Well,  what  now  ?  I 
believe !  Am  I  therefore  secure  ?  In  vain  the  ene- 
my replied,  yes.  Another  Spirit  wdthin  me  was 
swift  in  finding  a  different  verdict.  No,  you  are  ig- 
norant of  true  repentance ;  you  are  not  a  Christian 
yet.  And  well  did  I  know  that  I  was  very  far  from 
being  a  Christian.  When  I  sat  hearing  the  man  of 
God  discourse  about  the  mercy  of  Jesus,  it  afforded 
me  at  the  time  great  consolation.  But  now  that  I 
just  began  to  see  my  own  character,  the  more  I  con- 
templated that  mercy  the  more  ocean-like  in  magni- 
tude did  my  sins  spread  out ;  and  staring  defiantly 
at  me,  they  each  frowningly  asked,  Dare  you  expert 
mercy  from  Him  ?  Too  ready,  alas,  was  I  to  yield 
to  the  wicked  one,  and  in  despair  to  echo,  There  is 
no  mercy  for  me ;  the  Christian  religion  is  true,  and 
I  am  lost. 

This  state  of  mind  continued  many  days.  My 
health  seemed  to  be  exhausted.  Nothing  that  the 
family  physician  could  prescribe  reached  my  case. 
He  said  that  my  mind  was  affected,  and  that  I  would 
soon  pass  off  in  a  decline.  I  alone  knew  that  I 
needed  the  Heavenly  Physician.  Every  leisure  hour 
that  I  could  secure  in  private  was  devoted  to  acqui- 
ring religious  knowledge.  I  soon  learned,  therefore, 
some  of  the  high  moral  duties  that  grow  out  of  my 


166  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

new  religion.  Consequently  I  began  to  think  kind- 
ly of  those  good  Christians  Avhom  I  had  persecuted, 
and  was  disposed  to  make,  if  possible,  reparation  no 
less  than  confession.     There,  for  instance,  was  that 

young  lady  M ,  how,  I  wondered,  can  I  ever  see 

her  again  ?  ]^ever  have  I  appeared  so  despicably 
mean  in  my  own  eyes  as  at  this  time  while  thinking 
about  her.  I  wanted  so  much  to  tell  her  about 
Jesus,  but  I  dare  not  visit  her  again.  Then  there 
was,  under  my  own  roof,  the  faithful  boy,  Thomas ; 
a  sketch  of  whose  history  I  expect  to  add  in  an  ap- 
pendex.  Him,  however,  I  resolved  to  invite  to  lodge 
with  me  again  at  the  warehouse,  and  at  a  convenient 
opportunity  disburden  my  mind  to  him.  He  came ; 
a  long  time  succeeded,  but  I  was  tongue-tied  no  less 
on  his  arrival  than  later.  He  must  have  noticed  a 
change  in  my  conduct  generally,  but  especially  to- 
wards him.  Still  I  dreaded  the  consequences  of  a 
disclosure.  I  could  not  suffer  for  Christ's  cause.  I 
still  read  my  testament  privately,  though  I  did  not 
dare  to  say  a  single  word  to  anybody. 

In  consequence  of  my  weakness,  several  days 
rolled  on  in  irresolution,  which  kept  me  trembling 
under  the  ire  of  a  justly-incensed  Deity.  My  sinful 
life,  a  blasphemed  God,  a  crucified  Saviour,  an  in- 
sulted Spirit,  Death,  Judgment,  Eternity,  with  the 
condition  of  the  saved  and  that  of  the  lost — these  all 
were  continually  before  me.  My  sins  therefore  rising 
like  a  mountain,  threatened  to  crush  me.  Many  a 
time  in  my  agony  I  raved  out,  What  shall  I  do  to  be 
saved  ?  I  cannot  live ;  I  cannot  die ;  I  cannot,  0  how 
can  I  meet  Jesus  at  the  judgment  day !     "Would  that 


MESSIAH'S   VICTORY.  167 

I  had  nothing  to  do !     0  that  there  was  indeed  no 
God! 

I^ot  yet  had  I  learned  the  great  theme  of  "  salva- 
tion by  grace."  The  religion  of  my  former  life  was 
one  of  unceasing  work,  l^ow  1  had  to  learn  how 
rather  to  trust  the  Messiah.  I  did  not  know  what 
this  thing,  Faith,  could  mean.  Prayers  I  had  often 
read,  but  never  had  I  yet  prayed.  I  was  soon,  how- 
ever, to  see  the  initiatory  of  my  Christian  pilgrimage. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

CAPTIVE    EXILE    LOOSED. 

One  evening  the  hoj  Thomas  asked  leave  of  ab- 
sence for  the  night.  Once  more  I  am  alone  in  that 
little  back-room  of  a  large  five-story  building.  It 
was  sufficiently  solitary  to  awaken  the  gloomiest 
thoughts  of  the  severe  ordeal  awaiting  me.  Medita- 
ting upon  the  Christian  religion  and  my  prospect  of 
salvation,  I  felt  something  to  be  yet  wanting — some- 
thing, I  did  not  know  what.  I  beheved  that  Christ 
was  the  very  Messiah ;  but  the  idea  that  He  was  ??i^ 
Messiah,  this  I  did  not  grasp.  How  to  arrive  per- 
sonally at  this  elevated  consciousness  I  did  not  know. 
I  thought  of  death  wdth  dread.  I  anticipated  my 
just  deserts  after  death,  and  in  terror  wailed,  must  1 
then  be  damned  ?  Is  there  no  hope  for  me  ?  Is 
there  no  possible  chance  for  escape  ?  Must  I  be  lost 
in  my  ignorance  ?  Is  there  no  man  who  will  teach 
me?  My  rabbins  are  bHnd;  my  brethren  are  in 
darkness;  my  associates  cannot  help  me.  Father 
\v\\\  kill  me,  or  with  the  whole  family,  thrust  me 
contemptuously  away.  Christians  I  know  can  and 
would  help  me.  M.  is  wiUing  to  teach  me.  But 
then  I  dare  not  communicate  my  feelings  to  anybody. 
I  feared  the  Jews.  My  life,  if  diverted  from  its 
wonted  channel,  would  be  in  danger.     I  shuddered 

168 


CAPTIVE  EXILE  LOOSED.  169 

at  this  because  I  dreaded  death.     I  knew  too  well 
that  I  was  not  ready  for  Eternity ! 

I  paced  my  room  in  trouble,  crying  out,  what 
shall  I  do  ?  "Wliat  shall  I  do  ?  I'm  lost !  Thus  in 
despair  I  sat  down  to  my  table,  lighted  a  candle,  and 
opened  my  well  read  Testament.  The  portion  open 
before  me  was  the  sixth  of  Matthew.  Every  single 
letter  of  it  imparted  a  volume  of  instruction.  I  read 
the  whole  chapter  with  deep  and  pungent  emotion. 
It  reached  my  heart ;  I  felt  its  power.  It  riveted 
itself  to  me.  I  also  was  riveted  to  it ;  I  had  no  de- 
sire to  read  any  further.  My  whole  soul  was  fas- 
tened upon  that  one  chapter.  A  new  thought 
aroused  me  :  you  have  never  prayed — try  the  effect 
of  prayer !  I  was  startled,  for  the  thought  seemed 
new.  I^ever  had  I  dreamed  of  such  a  remedy. 
Pray!  How  shall  I  pray?  I'm  not  a  Christian. 
Here  I  seemed  more  intelligently  to  inquire,  what 
must  I  do  ?  Pray  as  the  Christians  do,  came  the  re- 
sponse. What,  questioned  I,  must  I  actually  go 
down  on  my  knees  to  pray  ?  My  proud  heart  re- 
coiled at  the  idea.  The  Testament  being  still  open 
at  the  same  place,  I  read  again  the  form  of  prayer 
given  by  Jesus  and  commencing  at  the  ninth  verse. 
My  monition  was,  Say  that  on  your  knees.  I  trem- 
bled with  fear,  and  trembling  I  kneeled  down.  I 
began  to  say,  Our  Father  who  art  in  heaven,  hal- 
lowed ....  Here  my  physical  powers  left  me. 
My  mind  w^as  dreadfully  alarmed.  I  thought  that 
somebody  was  in  my  room  toward  whom  I  enter- 
tained great  dread.  On  my  knees,  trembling  like  a 
leaf,  the  earth  seemed  now  to  open  beneath  me.     I 


170  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

could  see  tlie  flames  of  hell  vainly  shooting  up  to 
reach  me.  "Stop,"  expostulated  Satan,  "  consider 
what  you  are  doing;  remember  how  great  your 
sin  is.  First,  you  are  going  to  violate  the  command 
of  Jehovah,  '  Honor  thy  father  and  thy  mother ; ' 
consequently  you  will  soon  die,  your  days  will  be 
cut  oft'  from  the  earth  while  you  are  yet  young,  and 
your  soul  mil  be  with  me  forever.  Second,  you  are 
going  to  turn  Christian.  By  that  act  you  will  be 
forsaking  your  father's  God,  to  worship  a  stranger, 
Jesus  the  crucified  one — and  for  that  sin,  if  alone, 
you  must  be  damned  forever.  Arise  from  your 
knees  and  be  at  peace  as  you  are." 

In  an  instant  I  was  on  my  feet.  Confusedly  I 
looked  about  my  room.  I  saw  no  disarrangement  : 
there  were  my  chair,  the  table  and  the  open  Testa- 
ment, just  as  I  left  them.  I  did  not  seem  to  realize 
my  condition;  so  throwing  myself  in  the  chair,  I 
leaned  back  in  bewilderment.  What  does  all  this 
mean  ?  As  if  audibly,  the  answer  returns.  Pray.  I 
have  tried  to  do  so,  but  cannot.  Still  the  response 
insisted,  Pray.  But,  how  shall  I  pray  ?  Pray,  pray, 
PRAY,  was  still  oracularly  repeated.  And  still  I 
murmured,  I  know  not  how  to  pray ;  I  can't  pray ! 
In  a  few  minutes  a  new  thought  occurred  to  me,  I 
had  not  prayed  aright ;  I  must  follow  the  rule  exact- 
ly. Once  again  I  referred  to  the  book.  I  read  the 
fifth  verse  in  alarm.  That  is  truth,  I  confessed. 
But  I  have  done  with  all  that:  what  next?  Read 
on !  "But  thou,  when  thou  prayest,  enter  into  thy 
closet,  and  when  thou  hast  shut  thy  door,  pray  to 
thy  Father  which  is  in   secret:   and  thy   Father 


CAPTIVE  EXILE  LOOSED.  171 

which  seeth  in  secret  shall  reward  thee  openly." 
Here  then  was  my  rule.  First,  enter  the  closet. 
Well,  here  I  am  all  alone.  Second,  shut  the  door. 
It  was  shut,  but  not  locked ;  so  I  locked  it.  Third, 
pray  to  thy  Father.  Here  I  paused,  thinking  of  this 
wonderful  Jesus.  He  tells  me  to  pray  to  the  Father , 
not  himself — the  Father  Almighty,  Jehovah  of  the 
Jews.  Well,  what  next?  I  could  not  learn  that 
here.  So  looking  over  the  entire  field  of  operation 
and  suppo^hig  that  I  could  strengthen  secrecy,  I 
drew  my  bedstead  up  to  the  locked  door.  Kow  I 
was  ready.  Lighting  a  fresh  candle,  I  sat  down  to 
meditate.  In  an  instant  my  mental  tribulation  in- 
creased with  ten-fold  fury.  !My  soul  was  wrought 
up  to  the  highest  excitement  by  the  temptations  of 
the  devil,  the  voice  of  the  Lord,  and  the  dictates 
of  my  own  conscience.  At  length  I  resolved  to  try 
to  pray  by  rule.  So  I  went  down  on  my  knees  to 
repeat  the  same  words.  But  I  had  scarcely  begun 
to  speak,  ere  I  commenced  struggling.  The  devil 
tempted  me  maliciously.  My  whole  soul,  however, 
was  ^vi'ought  upon  by  a  stronger  power,  constraining 
me  to  pray.  Spiritually  I  seemed  to  be  on  fire  ;  my 
power  of  speech  was  taken  from  me.  On  my  knees 
I  bent,  agonizing  before  God  with  tears  and  groans. 
After  some  time  my  tongue  was  released,  my  speech 
returned.  In  an  instant  I  cried  out,  O  Lord,  God 
of  my  fathers,  Abraham,  Isaac  and  Jacob !  Hear 
me,  0  God!  ^VTiat  is  truth?  If  Moses  be  true, 
give  me  Moses :  if  Christ  be  true,  give  me  Christ. 
I  could  not  say  another  word.  Broken  down  at  the 
foot  of  the  cross,  I  could  advance  nothing  more  than 


172  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

idle  tears.  I  expected  to  receive  in  some  way  an 
answer.  "Was  this  faith  ?  The  "  vision  tarried,"  but 
I  waited  for  it,  waited  on  my  knees.  It  came :  I 
knew  all  about  it  in  an  instant.  There  before  my 
face,  at  a  comfortable  distance,  appeared  a  large 
cross,  and  Jesus  was  stretched  upon  it.  I  looked  at 
Him  without  fear.  My  Lord,  I  cried.  He  did  not 
speak,  but  smiled  upon  me  so,  that  angels'  tongues 
cannot  describe  the  scene.  All  my  doubts  vanished. 
The  Holy  Spirit  took  me  and  pointed  to  the  words 
above  the  cross,  ''  I  am  the  truth."  So  the  vision 
departed.  My  soul  leaped  within  me.  Every  scrip- 
tural assurance  of  pardon  and  acceptance  brightened 
up,  and  beamed  full  with  its  lustre  upon  me.  Now 
I  know  that  all,  all  my  sins  are  pardoned.  The 
scriptures  of  God  were  opened  wide  to  my  under- 
standing, so  that  I  received  joyfully  all  the  promises. 
I  now  thought  of  Death,  Judgment  and  Eternity 
without  the  least  terror.  Every  feeling  of  fear  was 
gone.  I  could  have  willingly  died  at  that  time. 
But  I  did  not  ask  nor  wish  for  death.  Life  began 
to  look  glorious.  I  felt  like  a  pardoned  criminal, 
and  gave  full  liberty  to  my  soul  in  shouting,  Glory, 
glory,  glory  to  the  Lord !  I'm  free,  I'm  free,  I  con- 
tinued, and  as  if  becoming  physically  free,  rose  to 
my  feet.  My  candle  was  burned  quite  down ;  but 
the  whole  gloomy  building  appeared  illuminated. 
My  soul  magnified  the  Lord:  I  felt  as  though  I 
should  never  experience  another  pang. 

'Twas  a  heaven  below 

^ly  Redeemer  to  know, 
And  the  angels  could  do  nothing  more 

Than  to  fall  at  His  feet, 

Antl  the  story  repeat, 
And  the  Saviour  of  sinners  adore. 


CAPTIVE  EXILE  LOOSED.  173 

Walldng  about  my  room  in  ecstacy,  I  shouted,  I'm 
free,  I'm  free:  glory,  glory  to  God,  I'm  free.  I 
clasped  my  Testament  and  bathed  it  with  joyful 
tears,  kissing  the  precious  book,  and  extolling  the 
beautiful  religion  that  teaches  me  to  adore  the 
Lamb  of  God.  ITow  I  could  think  of  "  His  blood  " 
with  a  sensation  of  mingled  joy  and  grief.  The  hor- 
rible spell  was  broken ;  Jesus  broke  it.  The  curse 
was  removed:  the  devil  was  conquered;  and  my 
poor  soul  set  at  liberty.  Bless  Jehovah,  O  my  soul, 
and  all  that  is  "svithin  me  bless  His  holy  name. 
Thanks  to  God  who  giveth  me  the  victory  through 
my  Lord  Jesus  Christ. 

And  now,  if  I  did  not  firmly  believe  that  in  "a 
dream,  a  vision  of  the  night,"  the  Lord  showed  me 
what  I  should  be  called  upon  to  endure  for  Christ's 
sake,  I  would  not  introduce  what  follows.  I  cannot 
apologize  for  what  I  write  because  I  write  the  truth. 
But  I  can  bend  a  little  familiarly  toward  the  reader. 
You  do  not  believe  in  "  visions."  "Well,  certainly  I 
cannot  compel  faith.  It  must  remain  for  you  to 
prove  to  the  world  that  under  no  circumstances  what- 
ever does  the  Lord  make  known  His  will  to  His  peo- 
ple now  as  in  days  of  old.  But  you  will  say,  the 
Bible  is  sufficient  revelation  for  us.  So  it  is,  when 
it  meets  all  the  purposes  for  which  it  is  intended.  But 
suppose  it  should  be  the  Lord's  will  that  you  must 
go  to  the  Arctic  regions  and  make  disciples  of  a 
newly  discovered  people.  How  will  you  find  it  out  ? 
AVill  you  look  in  the  Bible  for  your  call  under  these 
circumstances  ?  I  know  the  religion  of  our  blessed 
Saviour  deals  liberally  in  calls  for  laborers  to  work 


174  AUTO-BIOGKAPIIY. 

in  His  vineyard,  both  in  a  general  way  and  every- 
where. But  you  are  wanted  for  that  particular  locali- 
ty. How,  I  ask,  will  the  mind  of  the  Lord  be  made 
clearly  known  to  you?  You  confess  to  having  a 
strong  desire  to  isolate  yourself  from  your  loving  as- 
sociations of  home  for  the  spiritual  benefit  of  the 
Arctic  regions.  This  irrepressible  conflict  is  a  new 
revelation  to  you,  whether  your  first  impression  oc- 
curred in  the  day-time  or  night.  A  true  vision  is  a 
revelation.  Caution  is  needed  here;  but  visions 
must  not  altogether  be  denied. 

Being  in  a  state  of  utter  exhaustion,  I  threw  my- 
self upon  the  bed,  but  as  will  be  readily  understood, 
I  could  not  sleep.  About  midnight,  I  thought  that 
I  was  walking  out.  The  air  was  balmy,  all  was  se- 
rene, even  the  sky  having  doffed  every  vestige  of 
cloud.  Quickly  there  gathered  above  my  head,  a 
cloud,  the  very  blackest  I  ever  saw.  I  stood  a  while 
gazing  at  it,  wondering  what  it  meant.  Suddenly 
from  its  immediate  centre  burst  through  a  most  bril- 
liant orb,  round  as  the  moon,  bright  as  the  sun.  I 
noticed  that  it  shot  its  rays  nowhere  but  upon  me. 
They  were  exquisitely  bright ;  yet  standing  fully  in 
front  of  it,  my  eye  could  endure  its  steady  blaze 
without  the  least  blinking.  In  a  moment  I  was 
filled  with  ecstacy,  and  enraptured,  cried  out,  what 
is  it  Lord  ?  I  heard  a  voice  that  answered.  Light 
out  of  darkness.  O  Lord,  I  asked,  is  it  I  ?  Yes, 
was  the  reply,  and  the  vision  disappeared. 

A  sense  of  sweet  tranquility  possessed  my  mind. 
I  realized  that  I  was  in  the  presence  of  the  Lord. 
At  that  hour  it  would  have  been  utterly  impossible 


CAPTIVE  EXILE  LOOSED.  175 

for  any  evil  spirit  to  have  alarmed  me,  so  sacredly 
tranquil  was  my  whole  soul.  Yet  the  terrible  enemy 
that  had  held  me  prisoner  so,  alas,  so  long,  could  not 
suffer  me  to  escape  from  him  without  making  a 
strong  effort  to  counteract  the  effects  that  the  "  vis- 
ion of  the  Almighty"  had  had  upon  me. 

My  tranquil  season  therefore  must  be  broken  up. 
In  a  short  time,  probably  within  an  hour,  my  room 
was  instantly  filled  with  "huge,  venomous  reptiles  of 
every  description.  One  of  monstrous  proportions 
acted  as  chief.  I  shrunk  from  them  in  terror.  They 
seemed  to  take  advantage  of  my  alarm,  and  Avith  a 
hellish  exultation  (which  raised  my  hair  and  shook 
my  frame)  they  formed  themselves  into  a  long  dou- 
ble row  facing  each  other.  There  they  stood  side  by 
side,  most  maddened,  hideous  serpents.  Their  aw- 
ful chief  was  stationed  at  the  head.  Down  upon  me 
gazed  all  their  terrible  eyes.  Presently  the  chief 
commanded  me  to  take  up  that  gauntlet.  My  fear 
was  very  great ;  perspiration  dropped  from  upon  me. 
I  commenced  to  approach  the  old  serpent,  when 
suddenly  he  darted  his  horrible  fangs  at  me,  his  eyes 
standing  out,  burning  balls  full  of  malice.  I  trem- 
bled, but  took  one  step  more.  Satan,  for  he  it  was 
that  proved  to  be  the  chief,  made  a  desperate  effort 
to  grasp  me ;  but  as  I  noticed,  some  mysterious  pow- 
er held  him  back.  "Fear  not,  I  am  with  thee," 
came  forcibly  into  my  mind.  •  I  began  to  take  a  little 
courage,  and  stepped  into  the  line  of  fiends.  Every 
one  of  those  dreadful  serpents  attempted  in  turn  to 
entangle  me  in  his  slimy  and  complicated  folds. 
They  also  were  restrained :  they  were  utterly  unable 


176  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

to  harm  me.  "When  I  saw  this  I  grew  really  bold : 
my  fear  left  me,  and  I  folded  my  arms  with  a  sense 
of  security,  for  faith  came  to  help  me.  On,  on,  on  I 
walked  in  the  passage  way  between  them.  Every 
step  increased  their  rage,  and  no  less  my  courage. 
At  last  I  arrived  at  the  end.  There  stood  my  father. 
Father,  I  exclaimed,  and  would  have  run  to  him  for 
protection.  But  I  noticed  that  he  looked  at  me  with 
exceeding  anger,  and  having  a  club  in  his  uplifted 
hand,  threatened  to  crush  me  as  soon  as  I  neared 
him.  But  he  too  was  restrained  from  hurting  me. 
I  am  through,  safely  through.  In  surprise  I  stood 
awhile,  looldng  at  him  steadily  and  fearlessly ;  then 
this  vision  vanished  like  its  predecessor. 

The  hours  till  sunrise  passed  in  very  serious  reflec- 
tions upon  what  I  had  experienced.  I  had  no  diffi- 
culty in  making  a  personal  application  of  all  three 
visions.  The  one  at  the  evening  prayer  spoke  for 
itself  Jesus,  the  one  Messiah  and  my  own  Lord, 
had  died  for  me.  I  am  saved  in  consequence.  Then 
it  is  manifested  that  I  am  "  light  out  of  darkness." 
Hereafter,  therefore,  I  must  separate  myself  from  my 
former  darkness.  Had  I  been  better  grounded  in 
biblical  truth,  I  should  have  inferred  my  duty  from 
Matthew  v :  29,  30,  but  what  I  lacked  in  knowledge 
the  Lord  showed  me  in  vision. 

The  next  dream  I  understood  as  pointing  me  to 
my  future  walk  in  the  Christian  course.  The  Lord 
forewarned  and  forearmed  me  for  a  terrible  conflict. 
I  must  suffer  tribulation ;  I  must  pass  through  the 
midst  of  malignant  enemies.  My  dear  father  him- 
self would  be  my  bitterest  foe.     I  should,  however, 


CAPTIVE  EXILE  LOOSED.  177 

be  almost  miraculously  preserved  and  sustained. 
Therefore  I  must  be  strong,  and  in  faith  go  forward. 
Testimony  to  the  truth  of  the  Lord  in  Jesus  Christ 
must  be  borne  before  many  enemies,  who  thereupon 
would  vent  their  rage,  but  all  in  vain. 

I  regarded  myself  now  as  "  born  again : "  I  had 
become  a  new  creature  in  Jesus  the  Messiah.  Many 
years  have  passed  since  that  eventful  night.  [N'ever, 
for  a  single  moment,  have  I  forgotten  or  even  slight- 
ed that  heavenly  admonition.  The  belief  that  God 
makes  special  revelations  for  special  purposes,  to  His 
chosen  servants,  strengthens  with  my  years.  How 
much  all  this  had  to  do  with  my  future  life  and  des- 
tiny, shall  duly  appear. 
12 


CHAPTER  XVn. 

THE    NEWS    PROCLAIMED. 

"  When  He  was  come  nigh,  even  now  at  the  descent  of  the  mount  of 
Olives,  the  whole  multitude  of  the  disciples  began  to  rejoice  and 
praise  God  with  a  loud  voice  for  all  the  mighty  works  that  they 
had  seen ;  saying,  Blessed  be  the  King  that  cometh  in  the  name 
of  the  Lord :  Peace  in  Heaven  and  glory  in  the  highest.  And 
some  of  the  Pharisees  ....  said  unto  Him,  Master,  rebuke  Thy 
disciples.  But  He  answered  and  said  unto  them,  I  tell  you  if 
these  should  hold  their  peace,  the  stones  would  immediately  cry 
out." 

In  overwhelming  sorrow  or  overflowing  joy,  0  for 
a  friend,  a  true  friend,  to  whom  we  can  speak.  Let 
us  give  full  liberty  to  the  audible  voice  of  anguish, 
and  not  try  to  suppress  it,  or  the  result  may  be  a 
lamentable  confusion  of  mind.  A  wiser  than  Solo- 
mon taught  this  philosophy,  when  He  applied  it  to 
His  rejoicing  disciples.  They  must  cry  out,  they 
must  sing,  they  must  shout.  Their  physical  and 
moral  good  demands  full  liberty,  the  soul's  rightful 
freedom. 

I  had  passed  through  so  much  mental  anguish 
that  now  my  joy  knows  no  bounds.  I  did  not  know 
any  spiritual  song  of  the  Christians,  but  my  heart 
was  full  of  singing ;  so  the  reader  may  apply  to  my 
case  a  stanza  which  he  may  have  often  sung : 

Now  methinks  I  hear  him  praising, 

Publishing  to  all  around, 
Friends,  is  not  my  case  amazing; 

What  a  Saviour  I  have  found. 

IT* 


THE   NEWS    PROCLAIMED.  179 

The  blessed  morning  dawned  and  introduced  fresh 
joys,  aye,  joys  entirely  new.  Never  had  I  imagined 
it  possible  for  the  atmosphere  of  London  to  be  fra- 
grant. But  on  this  holy  morning  it  was  so,  at  least 
to  me.  The  sun  shone  beautifully — a  rare  occur- 
rence in  that  misty  horizon.  Every  object  about  me 
appeared  to  be  charming.  Never  before  had  I  seen 
the  beauty  of  the  Lord  shine  so  resplendently  as  on 
that  sacred  morning.  The  all-glorious  I  Am,  the 
ever  blessed  Jesus  had  taken  up  His  residence  in  my 
heart.  The  Devil  was  vanquished,  and  ceased  to 
annoy  me.  0,  how  I  loved  the  Lord.  My  soul  doth 
magnify  the  Lord,  and  my  spirit  hath  rejoiced  in 
God  my  Saviour.     This  I  could  truly  echo. 

Now  I  must  speak  out,  I  must  tell  somebody,  or 
my  heart  will  burst  with  emotion.  I  must  go  out 
into  the  open  streets  and  proclaim  Jesus.  I  thought 
no  more  of  consequences.  Speak  I  must.  God,  help 
me.  He  will.  He  does ;  for  just  at  this  juncture  the 
bell  rings.  I  start ;  is  it  timidity  ?  I  pause.  The 
bell  rings  again.  At  this  I  rouse  up  and  run  below 
to  open  the  door.  Li  a  moment  I  am  filled  with 
laughing.  I  open  the  door.  Thomas,  the  faithful, 
has  come  much  too  early  to  open  the  house,  although 
he  was  always  first  on  hand.  My  heart  beat:  a 
thousand  thoughts  rushed  through  my  mind  rapidly. 
"What  course  shall  I  pursue — shall  I  make  known  to 
him  at  once  the  glad  tidings,  or  watch  for  a  conveni- 
ent opportunity  ?  But  I  was  too  happy  to  deliberate. 
I  opened  the  door,  laughing.  He  came  in,  and 
looked  at  me  very  suspiciously.  "  Good  mornin', 
zur ;  you  appear  very  pleasant  this  mornin',  zur," 


180  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY.   _ 

Mj  heart  swelled  to  bursting,  and  I  turned  away.  I 
could  hold  out  no  longer,  and  determined  at  once  to 
unbosom  all  my  heart  to  him.  I  did  not  know  how 
to  begin,  but  going  up  to  him  I  threw  my  arms 
around  him  in  embrace.  In  a  moment  the  strong 
youth  had  shaken  me  off  and  broken  loose  from  me. 
Then  he  began  to  reprove  me  for  my  conduct,  sup- 
posing that  I  had  been  out  all  night  reveling,  and 
that  I  was  now  intoxicated.  "  You're  too  foolish, 
zur.  Let  me  alone.  If  ye  don't,  I'll  tell  yer  father, 
zur.  Stand  back,  zur,  and  let  me  open  the  shop." 
I  knew  all  about  my  former  conduct  to  him  (see  ap- 
pendex)  and  felt  that  I  merited  this  rebuke.  I  could 
not  reply,  but  turning  away,  broke  down .  and  wept 
aloud.  "  Wliat's  the  matter,  zur  ? "  O  Thomas, 
can  the  Lord  certainly  forgive  me ! — ^Yes,  yes,  He 
has  forgiven  me;  and  cannot  you?  Confused  and 
overcome  he  asked,  "  TVTiat  do  yer  mean,  zur  ?  "  I 
could  not  tell  him  any  more,  but  just  said,  "  Jesus," 
and  wept  on. 

He  had  heard  enough  to  assure  him  what  the 
matter  was :  he  was  in  possession  of  a  secret  that  I 
had  yet  to  learn.  He  knew  the  Shibboleth  of  Zion. 
He  had  heard  from  my  lips  two  words,  "  Forgive, 
and  Jesus."  In  a  moment  he  caught  the  idea.  Lit- 
erally jumping,  he  caught  me  in  his  arms,  and  wept 
and  laughed  at  the  same  time.  I  wanted  those  arms, 
those  tears,  that  laugh ;  and  he  wanting  the  same 
from  me,  received  them  out  of  my  inmost  soul  as  we 
laughed  and  wept,  locked  in  each  other's  arms.  At 
last  he  could  speak.  "  Now,"  he  exclaimed,  "  God 
has  answered  my  prayer.     \Yhen  you  used  to  perse- 


THE   NEWS    PROCLAIMED.  181 

cute  me  for  Jesus'  sake,  you  know,  zur,  I  never  re- 
taliated. And  do  you  remember,  zur,  when  you 
tried  to  put  my  head  in  the  dog-trough  ? "  I  do. 
^'  AVell,  you  hurt  me  very  much,  and  I  went  and 
told  my  Heavenly  Father  of  you ;  and  I  prayed  the 
Lord  to  convert  you ;  and  He's  done  it,  zur.  He's  for- 
given you,  zur,  for  Christ's  sake ;  and  I  forgive  you 
too  from  the  very  bottom  of  my  heart,  I  do  forgive 
you ;  God  knows  I  do.  I  tell  you,  zur,  there's  a  hot 
trial  afore  you.  You're  got  a  hard  row  to  hoe,  a 
heavy  persecution's  ahead  for  you.  I  won't  stay 
here  to  see  it,  cause  I  can't  help  you ;  but  it  must 
come.  .  God  will  be  your  helper ;  I  know  He  will. 
His  grace  will  be  sufficient  for  you ;  and  I  shall  leave 
this  place  soon  as  possible.  'Now,  zur,  you  be  quiet 
until  the  time  comes ;  the  Lord  don't  want  you  to 
run  your  head  in  the  fire.  I  know  what's  comin', 
and  you  must  be  quiet  until  it  comes.     Pray  to  the 

Lord,  and .     The  hands  are  comin',  I  must  open 

the  shutters." 

I  learned  volumes  from  this  boy  during  the  follow- 
ing week.  When  the  next  Saturday  night  came,  he 
quit  my  father's  employ  without  assigning  any  rea- 
son ;  and  no  ofier  of  higher  wages  could  induce  him 
to  remain.  Thus  after  having  seiwed  my  father 
about  seven  years  for  weekly  wages,  he  is  content 
with  seeing  his  prayers  answered  in  the  conversion 
of  my  poor,  darkened,  persecuting,  Jewish  soul ;  and 
then,  without  having  any  fixed  plans  for  the  future, 
he  left  that  he  might  not  see  the  persecution  which 
he  knew  must  come  upon  me. 

it^ever  have  my  spirits  been  sunk  so  low  as  on  the 


182  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

Saturday  night  when  we  parted  privately.  0  Thom- 
as, I  shall  be  alone ;  and  I  wept.  "  You  will  not  be 
alone,  zur;  God  will  be  with  you,  zur."  I  buried 
my  face,  weeping  harder.  "When  he  turned  to  leave 
me,  he  grasped  my  hand,  but  could  not  speak  ano- 
ther word.  My  heart  swelled  to  breaking.  I  loved 
him  for  Messiah's  sake,  "  sorrowing  most  of  all  for 
the  words  which  he  spake,  that  they  should  see  his 
face  no  more." 


CHAPTER  XVm. 

LIGHT    OUT    OF    DARKNESS. 

*•  Seeing  we  have  this  ministry  as  we  have  received  mercy,  we  faint 
not :  but  have  renounced  the  hidden  things  of  dishonesty,  not 
walking  in  craftiness,  nor  handling  the  Word  of  God  deceitfully; 
but  by  manifestation  of  the  truth,  commending  ourselves  to 
every  man's  conscience  in  the  sight  of  God.  But  if  our  Gospel 
be  hid,  it  is  hid  to  them  that  are  lost,  in  whom  the  God  of  this 
world  hath  blinded  the  minds  of  them  which  believe  not,  lest  the 
light  of  the  glorious  Gospel  of  Christ,  who  is  the  image  of  God, 
should  shine  unto  them.  For  we  preach  not  ourselves,  but 
Christ  Jesus  the  Lord ;  and  ourselves  your  servants  for  Jesus' 
sake.  For  God,  who  commanded  the  light  to  shine  out  of  dark- 
ness, hath  shined  in  our  hearts,  to  give  the  light  of  the  knowledge 
of  the  glory  of  God  in  the  face  of  Jesus  Christ." 

A  young  convert  to  the  religion  of  Jesus  needs  to 
remain  very  long  within  the  walls  of  Zion's  school- 
house  in  order  to  learn  the  meaning  of  that  teach- 
ing, "  The  law  was  our  schoolmaster  to  bring  us  to 
Christ/'  ITow,  he  must  have  done  with  that  peda- 
gogue and  enter  the  rank  and  file  of  the  sacred,  mil- 
itary school.  There  are  tactics  for  the  student  of 
sanctifying  knowledge ;  and  the  sooner  he  receives 
his  first  lesson  the  better  for  him.  The  prophet  Jo- 
nah felt  quite  secure  when,  in  addition  to  the  booth 
which  he  made,  his  head  was  sheltered  from  the 
scorching  rays  of  the  sun  by  a  large-leafed,  luxuriant 
gourd  vine,  which  the  Lord  prepared  for  him.  But 
when  it  seemed  good  in  the  mind  of  Jehovah  to  do 
what  He  would  with  His  own,  preparing  a  worm 


l84  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

whicli  lived  upon  His  vine,  and  leaving  the  head  of 
the  poor  prophet  without  shelter  against  the  mor- 
row's sun,  lo  we  find  him  complaining  bitterly;  in 
ano-er,  he  wished  that  he  could  die.  Poor  Jonah ! 
he  did  not  know  Jesus. 

Thomas  has  left  us,  my  gourd  is  dried  up ;  0  how 
defenceless  I  feel.  For  some  time  I  had  a  feeling 
of  desolation.  Within  a  few  days,  while  Thomas 
had  yet  been  with  me,  I  learned  to  depend  upon 
him  for  counsel.  Every  chance  I  could  snatch,  a 
question  would  be  asked  of  him.  In  fact,  I  de- 
pended upon  him  to  support  me.  But  he  is  gone 
now,  and  I  am  left  to  be  tempted  by  the  wicked  one. 
"  My  feet  were  almost  gone,  my  steps  had  well  nigh 
slipped ; "  for  I  had  not  yet  learned  the  danger  of 
making  "  flesh  my  arm."  This,  therefore,  must  be 
my  first  lesson.  The  Lord  sustained  me:  He  re- 
ceived my  fainting  hope.  He  bade  me  rejoice  again 
in  Him,  and  teaching  me  how  to  bear  it,  sanctified 
afiiiction  as  I  leaned  upon  the  strong  arm  of  Jeho- 
vah by  faith  in  Jesus,  for  strength  and  support  in  all 
my  future  trials. 

Hitherto  I  had  been  so  entirely  absorbed  in  my 
own  trouble,  that  it  is  only  at  this  time  I  am  prepared 
to  advance  in  divine  life.  Hourly  I  grow  stronger,  de- 
claring, "  0  God,  my  heart  is  fixed."  "With  fixed- 
ness of  purpose,  the  Throne  of  Grace  will  bear  wit- 
ness how  agonizingly  I  prayed  for  everj^  member  of 
the  family  by  name.  In  a  brief  space  of  time  the 
family  circle  proved  a  field  by  far  too  small  to  con- 
fine my  sympathies.  How  I  wanted  to  tell  every- 
body about  Jesus.     Were  my  arms  as  roomy  as  my 


LKJIIT   OUT   OP   DARKNESS.  185 

heart,  I  would  lift  up  the  world  of  siuners  and  set 
them  down  at  the  right  hand  of  the  throne  where 
Jehovah  Jesus  sits.  Nor  was  this  by  any  means  a 
mere  fitful  or  transient  disposition.  'No,  no;  it 
gained  strength  with  my  daily  growth  in  gaace. 
Two  strong  evidences  sustain  me  in  this  belief.  The 
first  was  an  awaking  desire  to  preach  the  Gospel ; 
the  second,  that  I  have  preached  Christ  from  that 
day  to  the  present  time.  My  call  to  the  ministry 
was  given  at  this  early  period,  and,  glory  be  to  my 
Heavenly  Father,  I  have  since  endeavored  to  labor 
in  behalf  of  a  perishing  world.  I  love  this  beautiful 
world  for  Christ's  sake.  Life  is  glorious  in  the  ser- 
vice of  Jesus.  I  love  my  fellow  man.  I  love  you, 
dear  readers,  and  "  pray  you  in  Christ's  stead  be  ye 
reconciled  to  God." 

1^0  truth  in  medical  science  is  any  better  founded 
(as  proved  by  actual  test)  than  that  slow  and  lasting 
passions,  such  as  hopeless  love,  grief,  despair,  etc.,  if 
suffered  to  usurp  supremacy,  will  bring  on  chronic 
disease.  In  vain  do  you  afterward  apply  medicine 
until  the  passion  which  caused  the  disease  is  discov- 
ered and  calmed.  For  the  accomplishment  of  such 
a  humane  work,  the  religion  of  Jesus  Christ  supplies 
the  surest  and  safest  remedy,  the  love  of  God.  It  is 
the  sovereign  cure  for  all  mental  miseries,  effectually 
preventing  all  bodily  disorders  the  passions  generate, 
by  keeping  the  passions  themselves  within  due 
bounds,  and  by  the  unspeakable  calm,  serenity,  and 
tranquilit}^  it  gives  the  mind.  Thus,  if  for  no  other 
reason,  this  remedial  agent  rises  high  as  the  heavens 
above  all  others. 


186  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

Soon  as  this  precious  religion  became  my  settled 
portion  for  life,  my  general  health  improved  and  my 
countenance  assumed  a  brighter  aspect  than  it  had 
worn  for  many  months  past.  This  change  was  soon 
noticed  by  the  family,  and  Dr.  Kish  applauded  to  the 
skies.  AVlien,  however,  I  assured  them  that  I  had 
not  taken  the  first  atom  of  the  doctor's  medicine,  but 
had  thrown  it  all  away,  they  were  not  a  little  per- 
plexed in  guessing  what  had  wrought  so  sudden  and 
so  great  a  change.  The  time  had  not  yet  come  for 
me  to  tell  them.  But  I  did  want  to  tell  somebody. 
I  will  go  again  to  visit  M.,  and  tell  her  that  "  His 
blood"  has  availed  for  me.  I'll  tell  her  in  tears  that 
I  am  broken  down  at  the  foot  of  the  cross.     How 

much  I  wish  to  tell  her.    Yes,  I  can  go  there  and . 

ISTo,  no,  I  cannot,  I  dare  not :  such  has  been  my  con- 
duct that  she  could  not  believe  me.  I  will  openly 
avow  myself  a  Christian,  then  I  can  go. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  during  all  this  time  I 
read  very  little  else  but  my  Testament.  I  had  been 
used  to  exploring  books  all  my  life,  so  that  I  had  no 
difficulty  in  arriving  at  an  understanding  of  the  letter 
on  Christian  duty.  I  began,  therefore,  to  think  very 
seriously  about  being  baptized  into  a  profession  of 
the  Christian  faith.  I  cannot  say  that  I  was  entirely 
free  from  the  dread  of  consequences  ;  and  prudence 
dictated  to  me  the  necessity  of  seeking  Christian  ad- 
vice. My  first  step,  therefore,  was  to  ask  counsel  of 
God :  this  done,  my  next  led  me  to  find  the  minister 
whom  I  had  heard  preach,  and  tell  him  all  my  heart. 
Once  in  the  neighborhood  of  his  church,  there  was 
no  difliculty  in  following  directions  to  his  house. 


LIGHT   OUT   OF   DARKNESS.  187 

After  a  little  longer  walk,  I  arrived  at  his  door  with 
a  clear  conscience,  but  beating  heart.  There  I  halt- 
ed, hesitated,  deliberated,  almost  failed.  0,  my 
blessed  Lord,  help  me  for  Christ's  sake,  amen.  I 
am  strong  now.  ITever  till  my  departure  hence 
shall  I  forget  the  peculiar  emotions  of  mind  arising 
when  I  had  actually  knocked  at  his  door,  which  was 
so  quickly  opened,  that  no  time  remained  for  procras- 
tination. 

Wonder  of  wonders !  I  am  in  the  home  of  a 
"  Jesus  Christ's  man."  Many  a  time  had  I  been  in 
the  houses  of  the  Devil's  men,  and  reveled  and  re- 
viled there  with  steady  nerve.  But  now  that  I  am 
in  the  presence  of  a  Christian  minister,  for  the  first 
time  too,  I  tremble.  The  venerable  man  received 
me  smilingly  and  with  such  beautiful  courtesy  that  I 
was  at  once  impressed  with  the  idea  that  I  was  not 
the  first  pilgrim  to  the  Holy  Land  who  had  received 
a  hearty  welcome  from  him.  And  this  became  ap- 
parent, as  he  so  readily  comprehended  the  nature  of 
my  business  with  him.  He  introduced  the  subject 
of  religion,  and  encouraged  me  to  tell  him  why  I 
appeared  so  sad.  His  kind  words  distilled  into  my 
heart,  and  permeated  through  every  emotion  of  my 
soul.  My  nerves  became  steady,  I  gathered  strength, 
took  courage,  and  telling  him  my  simple  story,  ex- 
pressed a  wish  to  be  baptized. 

All  the  religion  with  which  I  had  come  into  con- 
tact in  former  days  was  insufticient  to  produce  one 
holy  emotion.  But  the  very  first  person  who  ven- 
tured to  speak  to  me  about  Jesus  from  the  fulness 
of  her  pure  heart,  wept    Then  I  read  in  the  testament 


188  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

two  words,  which  at  the  first  sight  seemed  to  re- 
proach my  iufidehty  and  check  my  Jewish  prejudice : 
Jesus  wept.  When  my  own  heart  broke  down  un- 
der the  force  of  gospel  truth,  I  wept.  "When  the 
faithful  boy  Thomas  understood  that  God  had  an- 
swered his  prayer  in  converting  my  darkened  soul, 
he  clasped  me  in  his  arms,  and  wept.  And  now  that 
I  have  told  my  simple,  broken  story'  in  the  hearing 
of  a  man  of  God  and  his  sympathizing  wife,  they 
both  wept.  What  a  truthful  and  wonderful  religion 
is  this,  which  makes  a  man  feel  that  he  has  a  soul, 
which  Tsdll  not  let  him  be  a  stoic,  but  brings  out 
both  his  joys  and  his  sorrows,  indulging  his  smile, 
but  drying  his  tear. 

The  story  I  told  evidently  produced  intense  emo- 
tion. For  some  time  the  good  man  was  absorbed  in 
deep  thought.  On  recovering  he  fixed  his  fatherly 
eyes  upon  me,  speaking  in  so  kind  and  reasonable  a 
manner  that  I  felt  satisfied  I  had  found  at  last  what 
I  so  ardently  desired,  a  spiritual  adviser.  He  said, 
"  Mr.  Davis,  if  your  narration  is  true,  you  have  much 
to  encounter.  Christianity  encourages  caution ;  and 
it  is  important  that  you  should  be  well  established  in 
Gospel  truth  before  you  make  a  public  profession. 
You  are  young,  rich  in  this  world,  and  move  in  a 
respectable  circle  of  society.  If  you  embrace  Chris- 
tianity, you  will  have  to  sacrifice  all  that  j^ou  are 
worth  on  earth  for  Christ's  sake.  ITow  when  you 
shall  have  been  cast  out  from  home  and  afiluence 
npon  a  world  of  strangers  and  poverty,  if  afterward 
it  appears  that  you  have  been  mistaken,  your  last 
state  will  be  worse  than  the  iirst.     Take,  therefore, 


LIGHT   OUT   OF   DARKNESS.  189 

more  time ;  sit  down  and  count  tlie  cost.  You  have 
the  same  Bible  that  I  have ;  the  same  God  whom 
I  worship,  you  worship.  Go  home,  my  young 
friend,  to  your  father's  house ;  remain  quiet  there  a 
little  while  longer.  Pray  to  the  Lord  to  give  you 
direction.  Head  your  Testament  again ;  doiiH  neglect 
the  Epistles.  If,  when  you  shall  have  considered  de- 
liberately what  3'ou  are  about  to  undertake  and  suf- 
fer for  Jesus  Christ,  you  conclude  it  is  your  duty  to 
take  up  your  cross  and  follow  Jesus  through  evil 
report,  come  back  and  tell  me."  Here  he  lifted  up 
holy  hands  and  tearful  eyes  and  prayed,  "  May  the 
God  of  Abraham,  and  of  Isaac,  and  of  Jacob  direct 
you,  for  Christ's  sake.  Amen."  He  then  took  my 
right  hand  in  both  of  his,  and  held  me  firmly  while 
he  blessed  me  with  a  parting  benediction.  Through 
the  whole  of  this  interview,  I  had  acquitted  myself 
heroically,  restraining  every  emotion,  through  fear  I 
should  lose  a  word.  But  now  the  inter\dew  is  ended, 
I  have  received  a  parting  blessing,  the  hold  on  my 
hand  is  slackening,  but  on  my  heart  it  is  fastening. 
My  hitherto  restrained  emotions  absolutely  refuse  to 
be  kept  under  another  second.  While  yet  another 
"  God  Almighty  bless  you  "  quivered  upon  the  lips 
of  the  servant  of  Jesus,  my  heart  overflowed,  and  in 
a  shower  of  joyful,  grateful  tears,  I  left  his  house. 

On  my  way  home  I  was  severely  tempted  by  the 
Devil.  "  Consider  well  what  you  must  sacrifice  for 
a  crucified  man.  Take  care  of  your  reputation. 
You  are  just  as  well  oft*  as  you  are.  You  can  believe 
in  Christ  just  as  much,  if  you  remain  at  home  with- 
out being  baptized.     "VVhy  not  then  be  quiet  about 


190  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

it?  Hang  on  to  your  property  an^^how!  O,  you 
fool,  you  will  lose  all  you  are  worth  if  you  are  bap- 
tized. Can't  you  be  a  Christian  without  baptism  ?  '* 
All  at  once,  coming  in  sight  of  home,  I  aw^aked  sud- 
denly to  find  that  I  had  not  been  thinking  at  all 
about  the  words  I  had  heard.  I  seemed  to  start  up 
from  a  dream.  What  does  this  mean  ?  this  is  satan's 
delusion !  Get  thee  behind  me,  satan ;  Christ  is  my 
rock! 

Without  losing  a  minute,  I  commenced  to  read 
my  Testament  again.  This  time  I  began  ivith  the 
Epistles,  and,  ending  with  the  Gospels,  I  gave  it  a 
very  careful  reading,  calmly  dwelling  upon  every 
word  and  doctrine.  The  final  result  was  that  I  must 
be  baptized  into  the  Christian  faith.  I  did  not  then 
know  that  Christians  differ  about  baptism,  but 
thought  that  of  course  all  Christians  were  taught 
alike  out  of  their  own  little  book.  I  had  heard  of 
christening  but  not  of  baptism ;  and  now  that  I  want 
to  be  baptized,  I  do  not  know  how  it  is  to  be  done. 
All  my  readings  about  this  act  directed  me  to  some 
water  deep  enough  for  a  man  of  full  size  to  go  into 
it.  But  I  was  ignorant  about  the  mode  of  proceed- 
ing, and  in  fact  everything  else  beyond  what  I  read 
of  "going  down  into  the  w^ater,''  "much  water," 
"  the  river,"  "  buried  thereby,"  and  thus  "  putting 
on  Christ."  All  these  incidents  seemed  to  import 
but  one  harmonious  idea  about  baptism.  I  dreamed 
not  for  a  moment  that  I  could  possibly  make  a  mis- 
take. One  thought  bothered  me  a  little,  founded  on 
Romans  vi.  4 :  "  We  are  buried  with  Him  by  bap- 
tism," etc.     In  my  ignorance,  of  course  I  reasoned 


LIGHT  OUT   OF  DARKNESS.  191 

igiiorantly.  "Wliat  is  this  burying  ?  Are  all  Chris- 
tians buried  in  tho  water  ?  How  long  are  they  kept 
under  ?  Why,  if  they  are  buried  in  water,  they  must 
drown.  But  they  appear  to  be  all  alive,  somehow. 
Well,  well,  what  is  safe  for  them,  is  safe  for  me. 
And  what  is  duty  for  them,  is  duty  for  me.  So 
wliatever  it  is,  sink  or  swim,  drown  or  float — any- 
thing— God  will  take  care  of  me,  and  Iivill  be  bap- 
tized. 

Aly  mind  is  now  at  rest.  I  have  decided  upon  my 
future  course.  Hereafter  another  train  of  thought 
must  engross  my  mind,  resulting  from  the  extraor- 
dinary position  that  I  am  now  taking.  I  begin  to 
feel  the  fangs  of  persecution.  I  must  be  an  outcast. 
The  first  taste  of  the  cup  is  bitter.  "Where  shall  I 
go  after  I  am  cast  out ;  what  shall  I  do  to  make  a 
living  ?  I  had  weighed  well  every  word  and  thought, 
and  now  I  am  weighing  action.  I  must  unite  with 
the  Christians.  I  looked  well  to  Messiah's  legac}^ 
"  In  the  world  ye  shall  have  tribulation."  But 
Christ  had  overcome  the  world  by  His  patience  in 
8ufi:ering.  So  I  took  courage,  and  buckled  on  my 
armor.     (Eph.  vi :  11.) 

In  solitude  I  read  the  precious  little  book.  It 
seems  to  confirm  my  worst  apprehensions  of  the  re- 
sult. Well,  they  will  cast  me  out ;  I  shall  lose  all 
my  property.  I  feel  now  that  I  can  endure  all  this 
for  Christ's  sake.  But  the  thought  of  parting  with 
my  dear  relatives,  perhaps  forever,  this  pierced  my 
soul.  In  quiet  musings  a  tear  would  ever  and  anon 
trickle,  involuntarily  trickle  down  my  cheeks  and 
fall  upon  my  open  Testament.     Part  with  my  loved 


192  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

relations !  0  my  God.  Faith  and  dread  struggled 
within  me  for  the  ascendency.  One  up,  and  then 
the  other,  they  wrestled,  overthrowing  and  still  stri- 
ving, until  a  sentiment  hard  to  be  described,  would 
arouse  me  and  literally  throw  me  down  upon  my 
knees,  so  that  as  a  weaned  child  I  heartily  moaned. 

It  was  this  kind  of  devotion  that  sometimes  led 
my  soul  to  contemplate  Messiah's  love  until  I  wished 
myself  away  from  earth  that  I  might  be  present  with 
the  ever-blessed  Eedeemer.  Earth  would  lose  its 
charms;  my  loved  ones  fade  from  mind.  The  Eter- 
nal Father  in  the  glorious  Messiah  calling  himself  a 
son,  overcame  all  my  hesitancy  by  His  absorbing 
love.  By  His  unfailing  grace,  I  can  now  follow  Him 
at  any  sacrifice.  Did  I  expect  to  be  privately  mur- 
dered for  my  new  religion's  sake  ?  Life  I  could  not 
hold  dear  that  I  might  fully  win  and  follow  my  gra- 
cious Saviour. 

Liofht  and  darkness  alternatino:  with  the  return  of 
every  day  or  the  presentation  of  each  new  duty,  I 
was  like  a  foe  on  the  battle  field,  firmly  meeting  re- 
verses because  fortified  by  a  consciousness  of  right  in 
the  struggle,  undergoing  defeat  to-day,  only  to  be 
more  determined  upon  \dctory  to-morrow,  steadfast 
in  the  contest  though  the  ranks  be  thinned,  and  look- 
ing hourly  for  the  hotly  contested  struggle  that  must 
decide,  by  the  fortune  of  war,  the  result  of  the  pres- 
ent quarrel. 

Just  learning  to  fight  the  good  fight  of  faith,  with 
foes  to  encounter  who  are  terribly  real,  I  must  as- 
sume the  initiative,  must  bring  on  the  battle.  But 
what  a  wonderful  contest !  obliged  to  ofiend,  I  will 


LIGHT   OUT   OF   DARKNESS.  193 

be  suffered  to  defend.  I  am  to  tell  my  dear,  kind 
fiitlier  that  I  am  a  Christian,  and  must  suffer  the  con- 
sequences. At  first  I  boasted,  let  them  come,  I  will 
tell  fother  the  very  first  opportunity.  My  resolution, 
however,  was  not  so  easily  carried  out.  I  forgot 
that  we  wrestle  not  against  flesh  and  blood,  but 
against  principalities,  powers,  the  rulers  of  the  dark- 
ness of  this  world,  and  spiritual  wickedness  in  high 
places.  But  I  am  soon  reminded  of  this,  Pauline 
experience  as  well  as  revelation.  A  quiet  shot  from 
the  hidden  foe  strikes  into  my  weakest  part.  "  How 
can  you — most  ungrateful,  selfish  wretch  that  you 
are — how  can  you  approach  your  indulgent  father 
and  tell  him,  yes  tell  to  him  your  dreadfully  hateful 
story  ?  How  can  you  dare  to  tell  him  that  you  are 
a  *  meshumut,'  a  turncoat  ?  You  will  break  his 
heart :  you  will  bring  down  his  gray  hairs  through 
sorrow  to  the  grave.  Then  you  are  a  murderer,  and 
will  be  made  to  feel  what  it  is  thus  to  trifle  with  an 
indulgent  parent."  Ah,  wily  Satan,  you  have  me. 
I  confess  that  I  hesitate.  I  cannot  tell  my  dear, 
dear  father.  I  do  not  value  my  life  so  much  as  his 
tranquility.  'No,  I  cannot  tell  him.  I  will  keep  my 
new  religion  to  myself. 

Here  I  must  have  forever  rested,  but  for  "  Him 
that  rideth  upon  the  heavens  of  heavens  which  were 
of  old.  Lo,  He  doth  send  out  His  voice,  a  mighty 
voice.  He  that  loveth  father  or  mother  more  than 
me  is  not  worthy  of  me,  and  he  that  loveth  son  or 
daughter  more  than  me  is  not  worthy  of  me  :  and  he 
that  taketh  not  his  cross  and  folio weth  after  me  is 
not  worthy  of  me."  I  knew  it  all,  but  I  had  read 
13 


194  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

just  before  tliat  a  man's  foes  shall  be  they  of  his  own 
household.  To  all  this  my  faithless  heart  responded, 
but  I  shall  be  an  outcast,  and  wander  about  the 
earth,  separated  from  all  that  is  dear  to  me,  and 
hated  by  those  I  love.  The  prospect  was  dark,  yet  the 
Lord  Jehovah  was  light  about  me.  "  Say  to  them 
that  are  of  a  fearful  heart.  Be  strong,  fear  not ;  be- 
hold your  God  will  come  with  vengeance,  even  God 
with  a  recompense:  He  will  come  and  will  save 
you."  (Isaiah  xxxv :  4.)  "  Fear  thou  not,  for  I  am 
with  thee ;  be  not  dismayed,  for  I  am  thy  God.  I 
will  strengthen  thee,  yea  I  will  help  thee,  yea  I  will 
uphold  thee  with  the  right  hand  of  my  righteous- 
ness." (Isaiah  xli :  10.)  Something  just  here  seemed 
to  whisper,  so  lovingly,  "  Can  you  doubt  your  dear 
Saviour's  protection  ?  "  'No,  no,  I  do  not  doubt  my 
blessed  Jesus  in  anything  He  has  said.  And  those 
glorious  promises,  how  precious  they  are.  But 
father  has  ever  remembered  the  d^dng  words  of  my 
precious  mother,  "  Take  care  of  Jonas ; "  and  he  has 
been  a  good,  kind  father  to  me.  Besides,  he  is  a 
very  prominent  member  of  the  great  synagogue, 
both  on  account  of  his  wealth  and  because  this  year 
he  occupies  a  conspicuous  office.  This  brings  him 
under  the  special  notice  of  the  whole  of  that  great 
congregation.  These  considerations  will  add  to  his 
mortification,  rendering  my  chance  for  life  ten-fold 
more  precarious.  The  more  I  looked  at  the  situa- 
tion, the  darker  it  grew,  and  in  all  probability  I 
should  have  yielded  to  these  satanic  impulses,  had 
not  the  blessed  Jehovah  interposed  again  with  trum- 
pet tones,  which  pealed  upon  my  soul  like  inspirar 


LIGHT   OUT   OF   DARKNESS.  195 

tion.  ''  lie  that  is  for  us  is  more  than  all  they  who 
are  against  us.  Do  you  believe  this ? "  Yes,  Lord: 
and  in  a  moment  my  soul  took  fresh  courage,  and 
tui-ning  its  eyes  inward  became  its  own  reprover. 
"  Why  art  thou  cast  down,  0  my  soul  ?  and  why 
art  thou  disquieted  in  me  ?  Hope  thou  in  God,  for 
I  shall  yet  praise  Him  for  the  help  of  His  counte- 
nance." 

Then  "  be  strong  in  the  Lord  and  in  the  power  of 
His  might.  Put  on  the  whole  armor  of  God,  that 
yc  may  be  able  to  stand  against  the  wiles  of  the 
devil.  .  .  .  Stand,  therefore,  having  your  loins  girt 
about  with  truth,  and  having  on  the  breastplate  of 
righteousness,  and  your  feet  shod  with  the  prepara- 
tion of  the  gospel  of  peace ;  above  all,  taking  the 
shield  of  faith  wherewith  ye  shall  be  able  to  quench 
all  the  fiery  darts  of  the  wicked,  and  take  the  hel- 
met of  salvation  and  the  sword  of  the  Spirit  which  is 
the  word  of  God ;  praying  always  with  all  prayer  and 
supplication  in  the  Spirit." 

0  Lord,  strengthen  me  for  the  ordeal,  give  me 
courage  that  I  do  not  shrink,  and  however  Thou 
mayest  dispose  of  me,  Thy  will  be  done,  for  Christ's 
sake.     Amen. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

IN    THE    FURNACE. 

The  day  last  described  was  succeeded  by  a  tran- 
quil niglit.  Satan  bad  been  once  more  repulsed  and 
was  quieted  for  a  little  season.  By  tbe  grace  of  God 
my  fears  were  all  removed.  I  realized  now  that  the 
Lord  was  supporting  me,  and  decided  that  I  would 
approach  my  dear  father  as  soon  as  possible.  The 
gracious  promises  of  the  divine  word  seemed  to  har- 
monize, concentrate  and  enter  fully  into  my  imme- 
diate experience.  The  Lord  fortified  my  soul  for  the 
approaching  tornado.  Again  the  next  night,  there 
was  afforded  me  another  tranquil  season  of  rest.  I 
dreamed  of  bliss,  perfect  and  permanent.  The  Lord 
had  given  me  a  victory  over  Satan,  I  felt  very  calm. 
"When  I  awoke  in  the  morning,  it  was  disappoint- 
ment that  I  yet  lived.  Still  my  faith  in  God  was 
steadfast.  0,  how  I  loved  my  blessed  Saviour  and 
every  one  whom  He  loved. 

I  am  ready  now.  This  veiy  day  must  settle  the 
question,  whether  my  dear,  aged  father  should  know 
that  his  son  is  a  Christian :  this  very  day  perhaps 
,  will  seal  my  earthly  fate.  I  knew  no  fear  now :  my 
pulse  beat  as  easily  as  my  conscience  reposed.  The 
unyielding  truth  of  the  faithful  Saviour  prompted  me 

196 


IN   THE   FURNACE.  197 

to  take  my  stand  on  open  ground  without  further 
deLay.  "AVliosocver  shall  confess  me  before  men, 
him  will  I  confess  also  before  my  Father  which  is  in 
Heaven." 

The  day  was  Saturday,  the  Jewish  Sabbath.  Ac- 
cording to  law,  all  business  must  be  suspended.  My 
father's  custom,  however,  was  to  continue  operations 
all  day ;  but  himself  and  family  went  to  the  syna- 
gogue. On  that  morning,  father  roughly  asked  me, 
"  Are  you  going  to  shule,  synagogue,  sir?"  'No  sir, 
I  respectfully  replied.  In  answer  I  received  a  look 
of  unutterable  scorn,  which  seemed  to  bespeak  the 
most  sovereign  contempt.  I  knew  the  meaning  of 
it,  and  rejoiced  in  the  Lord  that  I  deserved  it. 

Being  left  to  myself,  I  repaired  to  the  warehouse 
and  waited  in  intensely  painful  anxiety  for  his  re- 
turn :  I  was  impatient  to  unburden  my  soul.  After 
a  few  hours,  the  entire  family  arrived.  The  ladies 
passed  me  without  remark,  and  retired  to  a  private 
show-room.  My  father  was  pacing  the  floor,  and 
the  opportunity  for  me  had  thus  arrived. 

"  Kow  is  your  time,"  sounded  a  voice.  "  Hold, 
stop,  not  yet,"  broke  in  another.  "Embrace  the 
golden  moment,"  trumpeted  conscience.  "  Remem- 
ber what  you  will  suffer  for  it,"  roared  the  devil. 
For  a  minute  I  was  staggered,  but  the  Spirit  of  God 
helped  me.  Faith  sheltered  my  head  with  her 
wings.  My  ever-blessed  Jesus,  I  ruminated;  and  in 
a  moment  I  stood  flrmly  and  calmly  on  the  floor, 
facing  my  dear  parent.  He  scowled  at  me.  Father, 
ventured  I,  I  have  found  the  Messiah  of  whom  Moses 
and  the  prophets  wrote.     He  is  Jesus  of  I^Tazareth. 


198  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

O  my  dear  father,  I  love  Him ;  and  you  will  be  lost 
if  you  don't  love  Him  too." 

It  is  done.  A  heavy  load  broke  loose  from  my 
heart,  and  rolled  down  the  hill  I  had  been  so  veiy 
lono"  climbins:.  There  I  stood.  Now  what  next? 
God  knows ;  I  cannot  divine.  For  several  minutes 
father  stood  motionless,  gazing  on  me  in  speechless 
surprise.  At  last  he  broke  the  horrible  silence  by 
pronouncing  a  deep-toned  curse  upon  my  soul.  Be- 
ing a  man  of  violent  temper,  he  raised  his  voice  to 
a  high  pitch. 

"  ITow  I  know  what  has  been  the  matter  with  you 
for  the  past  nine  or  ten  months" — and  raising  his 
voice,  he  frantically  screamed,  "You're  going  to  turn 
Christian,  Christian,  Christian ;  you'll  go  to  hell,  to 
hell,  to  hell."  And  as  he  lowered  his  voice,  uttering 
the  same  deep  curse,  he  finished  by  darkening  the 
frown  with  which  he  beclouded  me  in  the  morning. 
Eushing  past  me,  up  stairs  he  flew  to  tell  the  ladies 
the  astounding  news. 

True  to  their  prejudice,  down  they  came,  scream- 
ing like  panthers.  "  May  sudden  death  seize  you, 
you  villain,"  shouted  my  father.  "  May  you  be 
hanged  like  the  '  crucified  one,'  and  afterward  sent 
to  hell,"  was  my  step-mother's  greeting.  "He  is 
drunk,"  quoth  my  younger  sister ;  and  away  she  ran 
and  brought  a  decanter  of  liquor.  Thrusting  it  in 
my  face,  "  Here,"  she  continued,  "  drink  more  and 
die." 

Just  then  my  brother  came  in,  and  if  he  had  had 
a  thousand  ears,  every  tympanum  would  have  rung 
as  they  all  rushed  forward  at  once  to  tell  him  that 


^  IN   THE   FURNACE.  199 

his  brother  was  a  "Meshumut"  (turn-coat.)  His 
face  turned  red,  his  eyes  flashed  rage,  as  he  looked 
at  one  and  then  another,  to  catch  the  confused  nar- 
ration. Now  he  is  fining  up ;  maUce  swells  to  the 
brim.  He  darts  a  look  at  me,  anon  at  them,  burn- 
ing with  indignation.  All  at  once  he  bursts.  Ra- 
ving and  foaming  with  oaths,  he  calls  upon  God  to 
damn  my  soul.  True  to  his  habit  of  life  when  chok- 
ing \\dth  rage,  he  blindly  mistakes,  damning  his  own 
eyes,  then  his  own  soul,  and  only  by  way  of  change 
treating  me  occasionally  to  the  same  brotherly  vol- 
ley. To  vary  the  proceeding,  he  picked  up  an  old 
slipper,  and  throwing  it  at  my  head,  struck  me. 
"  There,  take  it,  you  fool,  you  will  need  it ;  it  won't 
be  long  before  you  will  creep  about  the  street  bare- 
foot, begging  your  bread." 

My  elder  sister,  who  up  to  this  time  had  been  fas- 
tened to  the  spot,  tongue-tied  with  surprise  and  an- 
ger, at  length  gave  vent  to  her  pent-up  passion. 
With  flashing  eyes,  forgetful  that  she  was  a  woman, 
she  cursed  me  with  a  deep  and  bitter  curse,  swearing 
by  a  most  cruel  oath,  that  "if  ever  I  ate  another 
meal  in  her  presence,  she  would  contrive  some  way 
to  poison  me." 

All  this  time  I  am  standing  on  the  same  spot 
where  I  first  accosted  my  father.  I  had  no  disposi- 
tion to  hide.  "When,  however,  one  of  them  gave  me 
a  rude  push,  calling  me  an  automaton,  I  promptly 
moved  away  from  them.  My  dear  father  retired  to 
the  counting-house  to  confer  with  his  Gentile  clerk, 
who  was  a  wretched  infidel.  He  of  course  opposed 
me,  and  thus  added  fuel  to  the  fire  of  my  persecution. 


200  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

"  And  now,  Lord,  wliat  wait  I  for  ?  my  hope  is  in 
Thee." 

It  was  done :  I  had  openly  confessed  my  Saviour ; 
the  spell  was  broken.  Satan  frowned,  but  Jesus 
smiled.  What  now  could  I  do  but  retire  to  my 
room,  and  on  my  knees  give  glory  to  the  Lord? 
Toward  evening  I  went  home,  and  on  entering,  en- 
countered a  scene  which  will  ever  be  indelibly 
stamped  upon  my  memory. 

My  father  was  sitting  on  a  chair  with  his  head 
resting  upon  the  table,  and  audibly  sobbing.  The 
family  standing  around  and  leaning  over,  dropped 
their  tears  upon  him.  My  heart  was  stirred.  One 
kind  word  from  my  father  then,  might  have  proven  fatal 
to  me. 

But  it  must  not  be  thus.  In  a  moment  my 
step-mother  shrieked  out,  "May  God  Almighty 
strike  you  dead,  you  villain.  Look  at  the  tears 
you  cause  your  father  and  us  to  shed  ! "  My  bro- 
ther was  quieted  down  considerably.  With  stream- 
ing eyes  sighed  he,  "  Jonas,  I  would  rather  see  your 
corpse  at  my  feet  than  have  you  turn  Christian." 
All  at  once  the  spirit  of  the  very  devil  seized  him : 
true,  he  wept,  but  for  very  revenge.  "  The  dread 
of  being  hung  at  the  '  Old  Bailey,'  as  a  murderer, 
alone  deters  me,"  gnashed  he,  "  fi-om  blowing  out 
your  brains."  In  chimed  my  sisters.  "  Get  out  of 
the  room,"  screamed  they ;  "  may  your  mother's 
ghost  haunt  you,  and  your  dead  grandmother  terrify 
you  in  the  night."  "  Send  him  out  of  my  sight ! 
Shut  the  door  on  him ! "  commanded  my  father.  I 
understood  my  vision  now.     I  am  walking  between 


IN   THE   FURNACE.  201 

the  fiends  unharmed:  they  cannot  hurt  me.  My 
bitterest  foe  is  my  dear  father. 

How  truthfully  has  the  wise  man  said,  "  The  heart 
knoweth  its  own  bitterness,  and  a  stranger  doth  not 
intermeddle  with  its  joy."  Thus  with  heart  aching 
exquisitely,  and  eyes  turned  to  fountains  of  tears, 
(and  I  sought  not  to  restrain  these,)  for  the  blindness 
of  my  loved  ones  at  home  I  breathed  the  prayer, 
"  Father  forgive  them,  for  they  know  not  what  they 
do."  With  this  I  left  the  house.  I  thought  that  I 
was  now  out  of  that  house  forever ;  but  no,  for  my 
brother  came  immediately  after  me,  and  considera^ 
bly  softened  down,  suggested  that  I  return  to  the 
house  and  go  down  into  the  kitchen  with  the  ser- 
vants. "  Perhaps,"  reasoned  he,  "  you  may  change 
your  opinion."  So  taking  from  me  the  keys  of  the 
warehouse,  he  told  me  to  lodge  at  home,  and  he 
would  go  to  the  warehouse.  I  at  once  acceded. 
E'ever  since  that  time  have  I  stepped  foot  into  the 
room  where  I  obtained  for  the  first  pardon  for  my 
sins ! 

That  night  was  a  tranquil  one  for  me.  I  slept 
securely  under  the  blessing  of  a  clear  conscience. 
The  morrow  being  "  Lord's  day,"  I  went  openly  to 
church,  and  heard  Rev.  John  Peacock  again  preach 
the  glorious  gospel  of  Jesus  Christ ;  and  never  from 
my  birth  had  I  enjoyed  such  tranquility  of  mind  and 
serenity  of  soul. 

The  discourse  was  directed  to  afflicted  saints,  and 
gave  me  great  comfort.  I  left  the  sacred  place  with 
joyful  heart,  thanking  God  and  taking  courage. 

Once  more  on  the  walk,  I  realized  that  I  had  no 


202  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

home  to  go  to.  Would  my  father's  door  be  shut 
against  me  if  I  should  go  there?  To  decide  this 
question  I  must  put  it  to  test.  Entering  the  house 
as  usual,  I  was  soon  made  sad  by  a  repetition  of  the 
scene  of  the  preceding  night.  "Where  have  you 
been,  meshumut  (turn-coat)?"  To  the  Christian 
church,  I  frankly  replied.  All  eyes  were  riveted  on 
me.  "  You,"  came  the  chorus,  "  you  and  the  Chris- 
tians will  all  go  to  hell  together."  So  it  went.  I 
ate  my  dinner  at  the  table  in  bitterness  and  silence, 
hearing  all  their  ribaldry  and  blasphemy,  returning 
not  a  single  reply. 

On  the  next  day  I  made  a  visit  to  Mr.  Peacock, 
and  had  a  most  delightful  season  of  religious  inter- 
course with  him.  Again  I  wished  to  be  baptized, 
but  was  advised  to  delay  in  consequence  of  my  deli- 
cate situation  just  then  at  home.  I  asked  him  if  it 
would  be  my  duty  voluntarily  to  leave  my  father's 
house  ?  "  ]^o,"  he  replied,  "  for  that  would  be  the 
same  as  making  your  own  cross,  and  with  your  own 
hands  placing  it  upon  your  own  shoulders."  Thus 
we  talked  together  a  long  time  in  smiles  and  tears. 
His  final  counsel  was,  "  Stand  still  and  see  the  salva- 
tion of  the  Lord."  He  then  offered  a  special  prayer, 
and  as  he  blessed  me,  I  left  his  pious  house. 

This  interview  inspired  me  with  fresh  courage  in 
the  cause  of  Jesus.  Every  day  I  grew  "  in  grace 
and  in  the  knowledge  of  our  Lord  and  Saviour  Jesus 
Christ."  I  talked  freely  to  everybody  Avho  would 
hear  me,  and  made  the  Testament  my  constant  ]3ri- 
vate  companion.  The  family,  however,  observing 
that  I  was  growing  bold  in  the  expression  of  my  new 


IN   THE   FURNACE.  203 

religion,  fanned  the  persecution  against  me  into  in- 
creased severity.  Yet  by  grace  I  was  enabled  to 
exercise  humility. 

Several  months  previous  I  had  gathered  together 
my  wicked  books,  and  as  soon  as  I  had  found  Christ, 
my  precious  Saviour,  I  burned  them  all.  My  rela- 
tions now  placed  over  me  a  most  critical  watch. 
Every  movement  was  remarked  upon.  They  seemed 
to  dread  something  supernaturaL  So  severe  were 
they,  that  thoy  lilciivd  from  me  any  book  they  could 
find.  My  Testament  they  could  not  obtain.  They 
locked  up  all  my  clothes,  took  away  my  jewelry, 
and  stopped  my  weekly  allowance  of  money.  This 
looked  like  the  beginning  of  poverty. 

A  short  time  afterward,  my  dear  father  made  a 
dispassionate  speech  to  riie.  "  E^ow,  sir,  I  want  you 
to  know  that  you  are  a  disgrace  to  my  family.  You 
have  forsaken  your  God,  to  worship  a  blasphemer 
and  vile  robber  who  was  hanged.  You  call  your- 
self a  Christian,  consequently  you  have  cut  yourself 
off  from  your  family  privileges.  Hereafter  I  forbid 
you  to  eat  in  my  presence.  ]^either  shall  you  sit  in 
the  same  room  with  my  family.  Your  place  hence- 
forth must  be  in  the  cellar-kitchen,  unless  you  recant. 
If  you  return  to  your  God,  and  curse  this  J^azarene, 
I'll  make  you  rich.  In  due  time  you  shall  have  a 
share  in  my  business,  and  at  my  death  I'll  leave  you 
more  than  your  portion.  You  have  been  a  good, 
honest  boy  all  your  life,  but  now  you  are  worse  to 
me  than  no  son  at  all.  Take  time  to  consider  my 
proposition.  If  you  reject  my  terms,  you  must  expect 
the  worst.    ITow  leave  me,  and  never  let  me  see  your 


204  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

face  in  the  parlor  again  until  jou  recant.  Go  clown 
stairs  and  live  with  the  servants ! " 

During  this  harangue,  several  member  of  the  fam- 
ily were  present,  appearing  to  enjoy  it  greatly ;  and 
at  its  conclusion,  I  was  compelled  to  submit  to  my 
lot  beneath  their  jibes  and  sneers.  In  a  minute  I 
was  below  in  the  kitchen  with  the  Gentile  servants. 
A  very  few  words  from  them  assured  me  of  their 
sympathy.  Although  they  .belonged  to  a  class  whose 
hves  are  always  hard-pressed,  and  who,  before  these 
days  of  reformatory  measures  for  that  particular  class 
of  women  in  England,  found  it  difficult  to  live  by 
honest  labor,  so  as  to  steer  clear  of  periods  of  infa- 
my, yet  these  two  women,  Mary  and  Martha,  at  least 
were  secure  through  the  protection  they  found  in  the 
restraining  influence  of  the  Christian  religion. 

"We  soon  found  an  opportunity  to  talk  over  affiiirs, 
when  I  forthwith  produced  the  stolen  Testament, 
and  delivered  it  over  to  its  rightful  owner.  The 
scene  that  ensued  may  not  even  be  imagined.  Sure- 
ly I  cannot  describe  the  superior  brilliancy  of  that 
subterranean  kitchen,  and  the  holy  refinement  pos- 
sessing that  low  society  after  I  had  told  my  story. 
Ignorant  as  they  were,  they  loved  the  Christian  reli- 
gion, they  loved  my  soul.  They  now  laughed  and 
wept,  and  sang.  Then  both  put  their  honest  arms 
around  me;  enthusiastically  they  kissed  me,  and 
said,  "Be  of  good  cheer."  Mary  told  all  about  her 
trouble  concerning  the  Testament.  Quite  supersti- 
tious, she  thought  that  "the  De^dl  had  fritted  it 
away."  "But  it's  all  right  now;  I've  got  it  back 
again,  and  it's  converted  my  young  master  to  Chris- 


IN   THE   FURNACE.  205 

tianity  since  it's  been  gone." — Christ  was  in  that 
kitchen ;  and  the  cudgel  raised  against  me,  fell  harm- 
less upon  my  head,  while  every  passing  moment  as- 
sisted to  bind  me  closer  to  the  cross. 

Thus  far  I  knew  nothing  about  denominations  of 
Christians.  I  wanted  congenial  society.  I  loved 
my  Saviour,  and  desired  to  be  united  with  His  fol- 
lowers. When  I  went  abroad,  I  was  happy  in  their 
company ;  but  on  every  return  to  my  father's  kitch- 
en I  met  trouble.  Not  a  day  passed  vdthout  an 
effort,  made  by  different  Jewish  persons,  to  reclaim 
me.  Threats,  bribes  and  blows  were  alternately  re- 
sorted to,  but  argument  never.  My  brother  would 
reach  my  heart  when  at  times  he  threw  his  arms 
around  my  neck,  dropped  tears  on  my  shoulder,  and 
sobbed  out,  "  must  we  part  ?  "  But  if  I  then  attempt- 
ed to  say  a  word  to  him  about  Messiah,  he  grew  an- 
gry in  a  moment,  rudely  saying,  "  I  want  none  of 
Him."  In  another  instant  he  would  be  just  as  dead 
to  all  sympathy,  except  that  which  sensitively  con- 
templated exclusively  earthly  prospects.  From  this 
platform  he  would  deal  out  his  invectives  plentifully. 
"  Fool  that  you  are,"  judged  he,  "  you  are  standing 
in  your  own  light,  you  are  blind  to  your  own  inte- 
rest. Now  you  may  be  respected  and  rich.  Father 
is  growing  old,  he  will  soon  die,"  (he  lived  nearly 
twenty  years  longer)  "  and  then  this  property  will  be  ^ 
yours."  Softening  down,  he  would  now  resort  to 
begging,  entreating  me  to  recant,  yet  intermingling 
threats.  "  0  do  recant !  Father  has  taken  an  oath" 
(this  he  did  twenty  times  every  day !)  "  that  if  you 
will  not  recant,  he  will  disinherit  you,  kick  you  out 


206  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

of  his  house,  and  shut  his  doors  against  you  forever. 
You  will  then  be  poor  and  despised  by  everybody, 
and  how  are  you  going  to  live  ?  You  are  not  used 
to  work.  You  will  starve  to  death  in  the  ^  work-house.' 
You  mil  wander  up  and  down  the  streets  bare-foot, 
and  beg  your  bread  from  door  to  door.  Then  I  will 
spurn  you.  I'll  shun  you,  and  refuse  to  give  you 
even  through  Gentile  servants,  a  morsel  from  my 
door.  The  Christians  too  will  hate  you,  for  nobody 
loves  a  traitor.  Remember  your  mother  who  gave 
you  birth;  she  worshipped  our  God.  Remember 
your  grandmother,  who  raised  you  in  the  same  faith. 
They  both  died  in  the  Jewish  religion,  and  are  now 
in  heaven.  If  you  now  become  a  '  meshumut,'  you 
will  be  a  traitor  to  them  and  their  God ;  their  ghosts 
will  mock  you  by  day,  w^hile  you  are  begging  jovly 
bread  from  door  to  door,  and  terrify  you  at  night, 
when  you  are  lying  on  your  pallet  of  straw.  You 
are  breaking  your  father's  heart,  and  he  too  will  soon 
die.  See  my  tears!  Look  to  your  own  interest! 
Save  your  property,  and  live  easily."  Then  he 
would  bend  to  coaxing,  putting  his  arm  around  my 
neck.  "  0  come,  my  only,  dear  brother,  come  back 
again  to  our  bosoms,  and  you  shall  yet  be  rich." 

Here  he  becomes  entirely  exhausted.  What  more 
should  he  say  ?  lie  can  offer  no  other  inducement 
for  me  to  recant.  So  he  would  tack  about,  and  work 
himself  mad  at  the  Christians,  who  were  sealing  my 
ruin.  Instantly  I  was  deafened  by  a  volley  of  blas- 
phemies against  my  blessed  Saviour.  It  was  more 
til  an  I  could  bear.  "  Give  me  argument,"  protested 
I.     "  D —  tlie  argument."     To  all  his  soft  words  in 


IN   THE   FURNACE.  207 

my  behalf  I  became  invulnerable,  the  instant  one 
blasphemy  was  uttered  against  my  glorious  Redeem- 
er. Poor  fellow !  he  was  zealous  for  my  recantation, 
but  he  paid  no  respect  to  the  most  common-place 
truth,  if  he  could  only  thereby  succeed  in  striking 
the  smallest  spark  of  hope  for  my  recovery.  More 
than  once  he  told  the  family  that  he  had  well  nigh 
prevailed  upon  me  to  recant.  Yet  when  they  saw 
that  I  was  still  a  Christian,  their  malice  was  vented 
in  full  measure.  In  this  manner  I  lingered,  chained 
to  a  dead  body,  for  several  weeks.  O  how  I  longed 
to  be  unclothed  that  I  might  be  clothed,  efiectually 
clothed  with  the  salvation  of  Jesus.  Thus  far  no- 
body had  ventured  to  open  the  Bible  with  me.  But, 
to  curse  Jesus  and  die,  every  one  seemed  ready. 

One  day  my  trials  were  peculiarly  severe,  on  ac- 
count of  the  number  of  persons  that  constantly  as- 
sailed me.  All  their  words  were  alike  malicious. 
A  cloud  impends ;  I  feel  totally  discouraged.  I  do 
not  doubt ;  but  it  is  growing  very  dark.  Amid  my 
meditation,  lo,  here  comes  poor,  dear  father  toward 
me,  for  th%|l|rst  time  since  he  banished  me  from  his 
presence.  "What  does  he  want?  I  looked  at  him 
sharply,  expecting  evil  from  him.  But  no,  I  have 
misjudged;  tears  are  in  his  aged  eyes.  He  weeps 
freely.  Close  to  me — I  now  in  his  arms — he  weeps 
over  me,  begging  me  to  recant  and  return  to  the 
God  of  Abraham.  I  could  not  speak.  It  would 
have  been  useless  if  I  had  spoken.  And,  although 
not  stoical,  I  could  not  even  weep.  My  father's 
tears!  How  can  I  resist  these?  Ah,  now  I  know 
how.     He  pleads  with  me  to  curse  my  blessed  Jesus ! 


208  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

But  look !  see  liow  his  tears  fall  on  me.  0,  my 
heart,  my  heart,  it  swells  to  bursting.  Still  I  cannot 
shed  a  tear.  My  brain  became  fevered  and  my  body 
trembled.  Satan  flew  aloft,  and  overshadowed  me 
with  his  black  wings.  E'ot  a  word  could  I  yet 
speak  to  my  sobbing  parent.  He  spoke  kindly  to 
me.  JS'ever  before  did  I  know  how  much  I  loved  my 
dear  father.  I^ow  he  has  left  me.  My  brain  reels, 
lietiring  to  my  chamber,  the  horizon  was  so  cloudy, 
that  I  clapped  my  hand  to  my  forehead,  and  rashly 
condemned  the  whole  scene  as  delusion.  Christ, 
methought,  is  after  all  an  impostor.  Why  all  this 
suffering  ?  There  is  no  God,  no  Devil,  no  Judgment, 
no  Eternity.  Then  why  this  anguish?  Death, 
come  to  my  relief!  At  the  impulse  of  the  moment, 
I  seized  a  razor,  and  opened  it.  'Now  death,  relieve 
me.  Jesus  interfered.  A  death-like,  agonizing 
shudder  seized  me.  I  saw  death,  and  was  terrified. 
So  great  was  my  alarm,  that  I  dashed  the  murderous 
weapon  across  the  room,  and  looking  at  the  shat- 
tered instrument,  lying  upon  the  floor,  I  was  forcibly 
reminded  that  "  no  murderer  hath  etera^l  life  abi- 
ding in  him." 

I  was  "  cast  down  but  not  forsaken.''  This  state 
of  mind  continued  several  days ;  still  I  had  not  the 
most  distant  idea  looking  toward  recantation.  At 
length,  in  God's  own  time,  when  His  gracious  pur- 
poses were  fully  matured  in  me,  the  clouds  began  to 
disperse  and  gradually  unveiled  the  ethereal  blue  of 
the  expanse  of  God's  love  above  my  head.  While 
again  meditating  upon  my  situation,  I  seemed  to  be 
standing  upon  the  brink  of  hell,  fearlessly  sporting 


IN  THE  FURNACE.  209 

with  death.  At  a  short  distance  from  me  stood  my  in- 
sulted Saviour,  holding  out  touching  inducements  to 
draw  me  from  that  place  and  bring  me  to  Him  for 
protection.  Thus  I  am  just  learning  how  to  make 
profitable  use  of  His  sacred  word.  "  Come  unto  me, 
all  ye  that  labor  and  are  heavy  laden,  and  I  will  give 
you  rest.  Take  my  yoke  upon  you  and  learn  of  me, 
for  I  am  meek  and  lowly  in  heart ;  and  ye  shall  find 
rest  unto  your  souls :  for  my  yoke  is  easy  and  my 
burden  is  light.''  For  a  while  I  remained  looking 
at  my  position,  and  thinking  about  my  Saviour's  lov- 
ing words.  Brighter  with  each  passing  thought  my 
sky  became,  until  I  was  overcome  by  the  "  beauty 
of  the  Lord."  Then  I  fled  to  the  Throne  of  Grace, 
and  poured  out  contrition  as  only  bitter  tears  can 
vent  it.  Glory  to  the  Lord,  the  Devil  ceased  to 
tempt  me.  I  am  learning  how  to  resist  him,  and  he 
flees  from  me,  leaving  me  once  more  firm  "  in  the 
liberty  wherewith  Christ  hath  made  me  free." — 
Grant,  blessed  Saviour,  that  I  may  never,  never 
again  be  entangled  "  in  the  yoke  of  bondage." 
14 


CHAPTEE  XX. 

THE    RELEASE. 

More  than  two  months  have  now  passed  since  the 
events  last  recorded.  Many  and  furious  were  the 
fiery  darts  of  the  enemy,  but  my  weapons  were  in- 
deed powerful,  or  as  a  minister  of  Jesus  has  expressed 
it,  "  The  weapons  of  our  warfare  are  not  carnal,  but 
mighty  through  God  to  the  pulling  down  of  strong- 
holds." I  am  learning  how  to  wield  the  sword  of 
the  Spirit.  I  know  a  little  of  the  unfathomable  grace 
of  God  which,  having  sustained  me  thus  far,  enables 
me  at  this  period  to  reject  every  bribe  for  recanta- 
tion, and  to  "  press  toward  the  mark  for  the  prize  of 
the  high  calling  of  God  in  Christ  Jesus." 

The  month  of ,  1833,  had  arrived,  when  God 

in  mercy  had  determined  to  "  shorten  those  days" 
of  literal  tribulation.  It  was  on  a  certain  Friday 
that  my  dear  father  had  been  laboring  hard  with  me, 
vainly  endeavoring  to  provoke  me  to  renounce  my 
Saviour.  I  need  not  here  repeat  much  of  the  con- 
versation, (if  it  may  be  so-called,)  but  the  nearest 
approximation  to  intelligent  reasoning  that  dear 
father  arrived  at,  was  when  he  informed  me  for  the 
first  time  in  my  life,  (unless  he  may  have  blurted  it 
out  in  some  terrible  passion)  "  You  have  nothing  to 

210 


THE   RELEASE.  211 

do  about  your  sins :  I  alo7ie  am  resjyonsible  for  youJ' 
But  father,  rejoined  I,  you  forget  that  I  am  past 
"  B'mitzvo."  Ilis  patience  at  this  was  exhausted,  so 
having  given  me  neither  reason  nor  argument,  in  the 
absence  of  these  he  must  necessarily  foam  with  mad- 
ness. "  Now,  sir,"  affirmed  he,  "  I'm  a-going  to  put 
a  stop  to  so  much  rehgion."  Supposing  that  what 
he  designed  to  do  Avas  yet  future,  I  moved  a  few 
paces  away,  collectedly  to  await  the  result.  IN'or  had 
I  long  to  wait.  The  spirit  of  persecution,  akeady 
present,  w^as  only  increasing  in  intensity.  My  own 
dear  parent,  had  he  dared,  could  have  equalled  either 
the  ecclesiastic  Bonner,  or  Mary  his  queen,  in  severe 
and  bloody  measures.  "  Come  back  here,  you  sir," 
he  called  to  me.  I  turned  to  obey,  but  he  was  ap- 
proaching me.  He  met  me  half  way,  but  not  for 
compromise. 

Folding  his  arms,  he  sneered  upon  me.  "  Chris- 
tian, meshumut,  fool,  beggar,  you  might  make  your- 
self rich.  Stubborn  fool  that  you  are,  why  do  you 
persist  in  your  present  course  ? "  Then  he  rattled 
money  in  his  pocket  with  one  hand,  and  his  watch 
seals  with  the  other,  taunting  me  meanwhile  for  be- 
ing poor.  When  satisfied  with  that  part  of  his  pro- 
gramme, straightening  himself,  he  raised  his  voice 
to  a  high  pitch.  "  Hear  me,  sir,  I  will  give  you  un- 
til to-morrow  night  to  make  up  your  mind  finally 
whether  you  will  recant  or  not.  If  you  will,  I  will 
be  more  than  a  father  to  you ;  but  if  you  will  not, 
I'll  turn  3'ou  out  of  doors,  and  cut  you  off"  with  a 
shilling.  Then  you  may  go  to  hell  mth  your 
Christians."     "  So  he  turned  and  went  away  in  a 


212  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

rage."  And  I  "  reliearsed  it  in  the  ears  of  tlie 
Lord." 

The  next  morning  I  arose  early,  and  left  the 
house  before  breakfast,  thinking  to  shun  my  infuri- 
ated father  one  day,  as  I  supposed  that  he  would  go 
to  the  synagogue.  I  did  not  believe  that  he  would 
put  his  threats  into  execution  as  soon  as  he  had  said. 
Desiring  quietness,  I  repaired  to  the  warehouse,  not 
expecting  to  see  any  of  the  family  until  the  after-part 
of  the  day,  and  perhaps  not  at  all,  that  day  being 
Sabbath.  I  had  been  there,  however,  but  a  few 
minutes  ere  my  father  confronted  me.  He  declared 
that  he  was  determined  to  carry  out  his  threats,  and 
that,  therefore,  I  might  now  look  out.  Maddened 
by  the  thought  that  he  had  to  come  to  the  warehouse 
after  me,  especially  on  the  holy  day  (?),  he  com- 
menced swearing  awfully  at  me.  That  done,  what 
next  ?  "  'Now,  sir,"  ordered  he,  "  take  your  place  at 
that  corner  of  the  warehouse,"  pointing  to  it ;  "  there 
stay  until  ten  o'clock  to-night.  Make  up  your  mind 
by  that  time  what  you  intend  to  do."  He  left  me 
hastily  to  go,  I  thought,  to  the  synagogue.  I  was 
alone.  It  was  now  optional  with  me  either  to  obey 
my  father  or  leave  the  house.  I  remembered  what 
Mr.  Peacock  had  told  me,  and  resolved  accordingly 
to  take  my  place  in  the  gloomy  recess  and  spend  the 
entire  day  in  prayer  and  fasting. 

My  dear  brother  was  really  afflicted  on  my  ac- 
count. He  did  not  go  to  the  synagogue,  but  in  a 
short  time  arrived  at  the  warehouse.  Hurriedly  he 
advanced  toward  me,  and  burying  his  face  in  his 
handkerchief,  he  wept  aloud.      I  looked  on  him  in 


THE    RELEASE.  213 

pity  and  wept  too.  "  Jonas,  do  recant."  How  can 
I  forsake  my  blessed  Saviour  ?  "  He  is  only  an  im- 
postor," emphasized  he.  O  no,  no,  I  love  my  very 
llcdeemer.  "  'Tis  nothing  but  infatuation,"  he  in- 
sisted. J^o,  no,  my  brother,  it  is  not  infatuation. 
Jesus  is  Messiah  according  to  the  scriptures,  and  I 
have  besides  the  e\ddcnce  in  my  soul.  Poor  boy,  he 
was  ignorant  of  both  scripture  and  experimental  evi- 
dence. What  then  could  he  do  or  say  other  than 
grow  angry.  Again  he  portrayed  the  misery  that 
would  ensue  upon  my  being  turned  out  of  doors. 
"  To-night,"  urged  he,  "  father  will  decide  your  case 
against  you  unless  you  recant,  and  you  will  perish  in 
the  streets.  O,  how  can  you  be  so  blind  to  your 
own  interest  ?  Do  recant !  Shall  I  tell  father  that 
you  have  recanted  ?  O  my  dear  brother,  may  I  say 
that  you  have  recanted  ?  "  He  stood  over  me,  seek- 
ing to  persuade,  threatening,  entreating,  coaxing  and 
bribing  so  long  (most  of  the  time  in  tears)  that  once 
I  caught  myself  upon  the  very  verge  of  jdelding  to 
his  brotherly  importunities.  But,  "  God  is  our  ref- 
uge and  strength,  a  very  present  help  in  trouble." 
"With  such  a  very  present  help,  I  was  enabled  to 
plant  myself  upon  the  promises  of  scripture  and 
stand  firm.  Failing  in  his  kind  effort,  he  left  me, 
looking  very  sad.  In  a  short  time  he  returned  with 
a  message  pur2:)orting  to  have  come  directly  from 
filth er.  He  laid  down  before  me  a  package  of  bank- 
bills,  swearing  that  if  I  would  recant,  this  large 
amount  should  be  immediately  put  into  my  hands. 
For  a  moment  I  was  staggered.  I  might  have  played 
the  hypocrite.      My  Avhole  "  living  "  was  before  me 


214  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

and  at  my  immediate  disposal.  I  might  have  reached 
out  greedy  hands,  and  have  grasped  mammon.  But 
here  again  the  Lord  spoke.  "  Lay  not  up  for  your- 
selves treasures  on  earth."  "Wliat,  must  I  give  up 
Jesus  for  so  little  ?  Go  away  from  me  and  let  me 
alone,  for  miserable  comforters  are  ye  all.  "  Fool," 
thundered  he,  "  let  the  worst  come  upon  you.  Then 
who  will  pity  you,  or  care  for  you  ?  [N'ot  I,  never." 
In  an  hour  or  two,  my  dear  father  arriving,  came 
and  stood  within  a  foot  or  two  of  where  I  was.  His 
countenance  changed  from  contempt  to  revenge. 
He  looked  at  me  long  and  steadily.  A  kind  parent, 
he  keenly  felt  that  I  was  his  dependent  son.  I  saw 
his  countenance  change  to  pity.  Saying  not  a  word, 
lie  turned  to  leave  me ;  but  first  fell  the  blinding 
tear  from  his  eye.  My  glance  followed  him  to  the 
counting  room.  0,  why  did  not  he  say  someting? 
I  had  rather  felt  his  wrath,  than  to  have  seen  that 
silent  tear.  I  could  not  bear  this ;  I  bowed  my  head 
and  wept.  Here  again  was  Satan's  opportunity. 
"  See  what  anguish  you  are  causing  your  dear, 
kind  father,  and  consider  too  what  anguish  he  will 
mse  you  in  return."  This  temptation  had  well 
h  the  desired  efiect.  My  dear  father  again  in 
tears  for  me !  T\niat  a  wretch  I  am.  My  soul  was 
cast  down ;  and  more  than  once  I  actually  stepped 
out  of  my  prison,  to  sign  m}^  recantation  and  ask  my 
father's  forgiveness.  Something  arrested  me.  '\VTiat 
was  it  ?  "  He  weeps  because  you  will  not  disown 
your  Saviour,  and  with  himself  go  to  hell.  Enter 
into  life  halt  or  maimed,  rather  than,  having  two 
hands   or  two  feet,  be  cast  into  everlasting  fire." 


THE   RELEASE.  215 

The  thought  seemed  a  present  inspiration.  It 
aroused  and  strengthened  me,  and  blessed  be  the 
name  of  the  Lord,  I  became  firmer  than  ever. 

A  short  time  later  my  step-mother  and  sisters  ar- 
rived, dressed  in  their  Sabbath-day  gaudy  costumes, 
bedecked  with  jewelry  and  feathers,  so  profuse  that  it 
occurred  to  me  at  once  that  they  had  strained  a  point 
for  the  occasion.  I  expected  to  hear  from  them 
something  not  very  eloquent.  I  had  heard  them 
"argue"  once  before.  They  could  not  move  me. 
They  were  ignorant  and  proud.  When  they  perse- 
cuted me,  the  very  Devil  threw  a  wet  blanket  over 
their  womanhood.  It  was  indeed  making  untoned 
"  trumpets  out  of  flutes,  sun-flowers  of  violets."  I 
pitied  them ;  beyond  that  I  was  insensible.  Stalking 
along,  they  drew  up  near  to  where  I  stood. — l!Tear,  I 
say,  for  juxtaposition  to  me  in  my  distress  would 
have  been  to  them  as  "  uncleanness."  First  they 
twittered,  then  sniggered,  then  grinned;  then  satir- 
izing, they  reached  their  native  element,  slang. 
"Christian,"  "Christian  thief,"  "fool."  "You'll 
suffer,  you  rascal ; "  "  you'll  repent  of  all  this ; " 
"  you'll  die  in  the  workhouse  and  then  go  to  hell." 
The  conclusion  was  a  malediction,  unanimously  adopt- 
ed, a  "  meshonmeshina,"  sudden  death.  I  was  con- 
siderably enlightened  by  their  "  arguments."  They 
threw  light  certainly  upon  Jer.  xvii :  9.  Their  farce 
ended,  exeunt  omnes.  Disgusted  to  loathing  I  turned 
my  back  upon  them  as  they  were  preparing  to  leave 
me,  and  renewed  my  vow  of  fidelity  to  my  ever 
precious  Redeemer. 

Several  times  during  the  day  I  was  sorely  tempted 


216  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

to  recant.  But  after  each  temptation,  I  was  favored 
with  such  clear  views  of  God's  eternal,  glorious, 
saving  grace,  and  the  word  of  His  truth,  that  my 
strength  was  greatly  increased.  I  was  repeatedly 
constrained  to  thank  God  and  take  courage. 

About  five  o'clock  in  the  evening,  the  Devil  ceased 
to  tempt  me.  The  grace  of  God  proved  sufficient. 
My  soul  was  calm  and  I  glorified  my  Saviour.  'New 
strength  given  to  me,  I  felt  prepared  for  the  final 
struggle.  So  established  was  my  determination  to 
sufier  for  my  Lord  and  Saviour,  that  I  could  then 
have  endured  (so  far  as  I  could  judge)  the  utmost 
torture  of  faggot  and  fire  rather  than  to  have 
flinched  from  my  vow  of  fidelity  to  my  precious 
Saviour.  Men,  women,  and  demons  had  left  me  to 
my  fate.  Jesus  kept  me  constant  company,  blessing 
me  with  a  serene  mind,  preparatory  to  the  ordeal 
that  must  be  passed  at  ten  o'clock  that  night.  I 
almost  prayed  for  the  worst,  for  I  then  felt  ready  to 
meet  it. 

It  was  after  nine,  when  the  last  of  the  hands  was 
paid  ofi:''.  The  books  locked  up  as  usual,  the  clerk 
went  home,  the  boy  turning  off"  all  the  gas  lights  but 
one  solitary  burner,  turned  low.  "  Kow,"  resumed 
Satan,  "  prepare  to  die."  I  was  already  prepared ;  I 
ex];)ected  a  death  blow,  and  felt  firm  as  a  rock.  Let 
it  come,  I  petitioned,  let  it  come :  O  God,  support 
me  still. 

At  or  about  the  hour  of  ten,  I  was  alone  with  my 
father,  locked  up  in  that  warehouse,  the  key  being 
in  his  pocket.  He  took  his  position  at  the  opposite 
end  of  the  room,  and  summoned  me  to  appear  before 


THE   RELEASE.  217 

him.  Ill  ail  instant  a  thought,  Uke  an  inspiration 
from  the  Lord,  presented  to  my  mind  how  my  Sa- 
viour behaved  Himself  when  lie  stood  before  Pilate. 
I  heard  a  voice  say,  "  Keep  your  Master,  Christ,  be- 
fore you  as  a  pattern."  I  understood  that  I  must 
own  my  Lord,  whatever  the  result.  So  I  obeyed  the 
summons  and  presented  myself  before  my  father. 
How  firm  my  step  !  I  knew  no  fear.  For  a  few 
minutes  we  simply  looked  at  each  other ;  not  a  whis- 
per escaped  us.  Presently  he  began  to  mock  and 
deride  me.  "  Wliat  do  you  look  like?"  But  be 
furnished  his  own  and  a  most  truthful  reply — (I  felt 
like  smiling.)  "You  look  like  what  you  are,  a 
Christian.^'  Then  passion  flamed  up.  With  loud 
voice  he  demanded,  "  Well,  sir,  are  you  willing  to 
part  with  me  ?  "  You,  sir,  I  replied,  have  ever  been 
to  me  a  good  father.  You  know  that  I  love  you. 
But  you  know  also  that  for  exercising  the  liberty  of 
choosing  my  own  religion,  I  don't  deserve  this  per- 
secution. If  I  am  wrong,  why  don't  you  sit  down 
with  me,  and  opening  our  own  Bible,  show  me  my 
error.  When  thus  I  am  convinced  that  I  am  wrong, 
I'll  recant  certainly.  "  You,  sir,"  returned  he, 
"  have  nothing  to  do  but  what  I  tell  you ;  and  I  shall 
be  answerable  in  the  day  of  judgment  for  you."  Oh 
father,  I  exclaimed,  that  may  all  be  rabbi,  but  it  is 
not  Bible.  "  Tell  me,  sir,"  he  roared,  "  would  you 
rather  part  with  me,  or  with  your  Christ  ?  "  I  am 
rcad}^  to  make  ten  thousand  sacrifices,  even  of  you, 
greatly  as  I  love  you,  and  of  all  that  you  are  worth ; 
but  I  will  never,  never  part  with  my  Saviour :  you 
can't  take  from  me  my  Saviour,  impossible. 


218  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

Oil  liearing  these  words,  lie  cried,  he  screamed 
with  very  madness.  lie  tried  to  speak,  but  his  pas- 
sion choked  him,  and  throwing  himself  across  a  large 
mahogany  counter,  he  sobbed  like  a  whipped  child. 
All  at  once,  the  furies  seizing  him,  he  jumped  up, 
cursing  and  running  toward  me  ^vith  uplifted  um- 
brella— the  -only  thing  at  hand.  "  Tell  me  once  for 
all,"  he  thundered,  "  are  you  a  Christian  ? "  I  am, 
leaped  from  my  mouth.  At  this  he  cursed  my  soul 
repeatedly.  "  ITow  go  to  the  Christians,  and  see  if 
they  will  give  you  one  meal's  victuals."  He  then 
seized  the  collar  of  my  coat,  and  kicked  me  all  the 
way  out  of  the  house.  Locking  the  door  and  com- 
ing up  to  me,  he  thrust  his  clenched  fist  close  to  my 
face,  and  again  cursed  my  soul  with  most  horrid 
cursings.     He  wished  me  in  the  burning  flames  of 

hell,  crying  at  the   same   time,  " your   soul ; 

you'll  repent  this." 

"  The  Lord  knoweth  the  way  of  the  righteous." 
Jesus  saw  me.  I  heard  angels  sing  with  voices  full 
of  heavenly  melody,  "when  my  father  and  my 
mother  forsake  me,  then  the  Lord  will  take  me  up." 
I  was  emboldened.  I  felt  courageous.  In  a  loud 
voice,  I  said.  Father,  I  shall  never,  never  repent  this 
step ;  but  you  will. 


CHAPTER  XXr. 

GOD    WILL    PROVIDE. 

The  Rubicon  passed,  leaves  my  life  still  my  own. 
True,  I  am  hurled  down  from  affluence  to  poverty ; 
but  the  mystery  that  I  still  live,  for  a  short  time  at 
least  absorbs  every  other  thought.  When  one  thus 
hangs  upon  moments  of  time,  hovering  between  life 
and  death,  thoughts  travel  with  wonderful  velocity. 
In  rapid  succession  events  in  retrospect  passed  be- 
fore me.  There  come  to  my  mind  many  truths,  both 
elevating  and  mysterious.  But  here,  right  before 
my  eyes,  stands  with  living  evidence  the  greatest 
mystery  that  I  had  yet  encountered.  My  father  has 
deserted  me  !  With  scowl  and  curse  he  turned  upon 
his  heels,  leaving  me  standing  on  the  street  after 
night,  spell-bound  to  the  same  spot  for  several  min- 
utes, wondering  at  the  wickedness  of  that  religion 
which  could  so  harden  my  dear  father's  heart  as  to 
drive  him  from  his  voio  to  my  dead  mother,  and  from 
all  sense  of  natural  obligation  to  his  son,  because 
that  son  loved  liberty  of  conscience  and  could  not 
suffer  himself  any  longer  to  be  chained  down  by 
bigotry,  prejudice,  and  a  worn-out  religion.  But 
thus  it  was. 

For  the  first  time  in  my  life,  1  am  without  a  bed 
to  lie  upon.     My  clothes  are  shabby,  the  pockets 

219 


220  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

nearly  empty.  My  next  meal  was  as  far  off  as  my  bed. 
'Nor  was  there  a  li\dng  being  on  earth  that  I  knew 
of,  to  whom  I  could  confide  all  my  situation,  except 
the  poor  boy  Thomas ;  but  he  was  fully  sixty  miles 
distant.  Besides,  he  had  once  said  that  he  could 
not  help  me  when  my  distress  came.  ^N^either  could 
I,  even  under  the  present  circumstances,  consent  to 
beg  my  bread  of  him  or  any  other  living  being.  JSTo, 
Jesus  has  said,  every  one  that  hath  forsaken  houses, 
or  brethren,  or  sisters,  or  father,  or  mother,  or  wife, 
or  children,  or  lands,  for  my  name's  sake,  shall  re- 
ceive a  hundred  fold,  and  shall  inherit  everlasting 
life.  Here,  then,  I  claim  a  positive,  a  specific  prom- 
ise. I  may  weep  a  little  in  my  loneliness,  nay,  if  it 
be  God's  will  that  I  starve,  so  be  it.  But,  "  beg  nnj 
bread  from  door  to  door^^  I  never  will.  True,  just  at 
this  stage,  an  inquisitive  tear  ventured  to  peep  out 
of  its  hiding  place,  just  to  inquire,  "  what's  the  mat- 
ter?" but  the  wet  little  busy-body  was  quickl}^  dried 
ofiT  and  thrust  aside.  I^o,  God  my  friend ;  I  will  not 
beg! 

Did  I  yearn  after  the  flesh  pots  ?  I  would  not 
exchange  conditions  with  my  brother  or  father.  Still 
mechanically  I  turned  my  face  toward  my  former 
home,  and  musingly  walked  until  I  stood  opposite 
tlie  well-known,  elegant  dwelling.  I  looked  in  at  a 
window  where  I  could  see  company  in  full  dress  at 
the  card  tables.  All  was  merriment.  One  heart 
was  without,  cast  down  but  not  forsaken.  I  could 
casil}^  have  entered ;  the  two  servants  would  have 
assisted  me.  What,  beg  my  bread  at  my  father's 
door?     ]N'ever!     Then  there  is  no  admittance  for 


GOD   WILL   PROVIDE.  221 

me.  I  can  bear  to  be  thrown  on  faith,  with  a  heavy 
heart  too.  Was  my  faith  weak?  I  turned  aw^ay 
and  resolved  to  seek  admittance  into  the  warehouse. 
A  soHtary  walk  of  two  long  miles,  and  I  halted. 
The  dreary  place  was  locked  up  and  dark.  Wlio 
sleeps  there  ?  My  brother  ?  I'll  arouse  him  up  and 
beg'  for  admission.  0  God,  my  brother's  prophesy, 
shall  it  ever  come  true?  God,  my  helper,  never. 
There  remained  for  me  but  one  alternative,  to  lie 
down  upon  a  door-step,  thus  running  the  risk  of  be- 
ing locked  up  by  the  police.  I  reasoned,  that  should 
this  take  place,  all  the  facts  would  soon  be  made 
public,  and  perhaps  this,  therefore,  is  the  way  the 
liOrd  intends  to  make  provision  for  me.  But,  as  the 
heaven  is  high  above  the  earth,  so  great  is  His  mer- 
cy toward  them  that  fear  Ilim ;  as  far  as  the  East  is 
from  the  West,  so  far  lie  hath  removed  our  trans- 
gressions from  us.  Like  as  a  father  pitieth  his  chil- 
dren, so  the  Lord  pitieth  them  that  fear  Him  :  for  lie 
knoweth  our  frame ;  He  remembereth  that  we  are 
dust.  Tlius  it  will  be  seen  directly,  that  my  gracious 
Saviour  had  already  made  provision  for  me,  but  I 
did  not  know  it.  lie  had  also  opened  a  way  for 
publicity  to  be  given,  not  only  less  mortifying  to  my 
weak  nature,  but  more  honorable  to  Ilis  own  glori- 
ous cause.  Man's  extremity  is  indeed  God's  oppor- 
tunity, as  was  fully  verified  in  my  case. 

A  feeling  of  resignation  seemed  to  pervade  my 
soul.  I  was  ready  to  submit  to  any  result  of  the 
Lord's  arranging.  So  astonishingly  contented  did  I 
feel,  that  I  remember  lightly  soliloquizing  as  I  sur- 
veyed my  proj)osed  stony  bed  preparatory  to  lying 


222  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

down  for  the  niglit.  I  don't  know  which  is  the  soft 
side  of  this  bed,  but  my  Master  had  it  just  as  hard, 
so  here  goes.  I  start  to  he  down,  when  a  hand  is 
Laid  upon  my  shoulder.  The  police  ?  Any  way  will 
do.  Recovering  from  the  momentary  shock,  my 
surprise  was  increased  by  the  appearance  of  a  young 
man  at  my  side,  apparently  about  my  own  size  and 
age,  looking  at  me  with  a  very  anxious  expression. 
"  Are  you  in  trouble,  sir  ?  "  he  asked.  I  am.  "  Is 
your  trouble  for  Christ's  sake?"  It  is.  "What  is 
the  nature  of  your  trouble  ? "  he  continued.  This 
night  I  have  left  all  to  follow  Christ,  my  Saviour. 
"  Well,  well,"  chimed  in  he,  "  my  mother  has  been 
in  trouble  about  something  ever  since  four  o'clock 
this  afternoon.  She  has  had  an  impression  on  her 
mind  that  she  must  relieve  some  child  of  God.  And 
now,  if  you  are  in  want  of  a  home  to-night,  come 
with  me.  I  have  a  bed  to  lie  on,  and  you  shall  share 
it  with  me." 

I  could  not  reply ;  my  heart  rose  to  my  throat. 
Struck  dumb  with  w^onder  and  amazement  at  the 
extraordinary  way  of  the  Lord,  gratitude  riveted  a 
mind  admiring  the  goodness  of  my  blessed  Saviour 
who  had  saved  me  from  the  horrid  mortification  of 
begging  my  bread  from  door  to  door.  Locldng 
arms  wath  me  at  once,  "  Come,"  confided  he,  "  let  us 
go  home."  In  meekness  and  silence,  I  suffered  him 
to  lead  me.  We  soon  arrived  at  the  house,  when  he 
introduced  me  to  his  mother.  "  Here  he  is,  mother, 
the  Lord  has  sent  him."  The  widow  was  sitting 
before  the  fire,  and  her  large  Bible  lay  open  on  her 
knees.     She  looked  at  me  through  her  spectacles, 


GOD   WILL   PROVIDE.  223 

and  inquired,  "Are  you  a  Christian,  young  man?" 
I  am.  "Are  you  in  need  of  a  home?"  I  am. 
"  Come,"  and  she  drew  me  to  her,  "  sit  down  and 
tell  me  your  story."  It  was  done  as  she  requested. 
I  was  not  surprised  to  see  tears  in  the  eyes  of  this 
pious  woman,  but  venturing  to  look  about  me  upon 
the  strangers,  I  did  wonder  when  I  saw  every  one  of 
them  weeping.  "  Well,  well,"  explained  she,  push- 
ing her  spectacles  to  the  top  of  her  head,  "  about  four 
o'clock  this  afternoon  I  opened  my  Testament,  and 
the  very  first  passage  that  my  eye  fell  upon  was  He- 
brews xiii :  2."  Pulling  doAvn  her  "  specs,"  she 
pointed  with  her  finger  and  read  "  Be  not  forgetful 
to  entertain  strangers,  for  thereby  some  have  enter- 
tained angels  unawares."  "I  have,"  she  added, 
"been  strongly  exercised  in  mind  from  that  hour 
until  now.  I  could  not  go  to  bed,  my  desire  for 
sleep  all  left  me ;  and  not  one  of  the  family  would 
go,  until  I  felt  satisfied  what  was  the  '  will  of  the 
Lord.'  George,  my  son,  suggested  I,  walk  out 
awhile,  and  it  may  be  the  Lord  will  direct  you  to 
some  worthy  stranger.  I  did  not  dream  that  *  an 
angel '  would  come  into  my  house,  but  I  did  expect 
a  human  being ;  and  now  the  Lord  has  sent  you  to 
me  for  protection,  and  He  has  told  me  to  provide  a 
home  for  you.  I^ow  put  your  trust  in  Jesus :  the 
Lord  has  taken  you  up,  and  I  will  be  to  you  as  a 
mother."  Hitherto  my  heart  beat,  but  my  eyes  were 
amazingly  dry  until  this  last  word,  mother.  In  a 
moment,  I  broke  down,  only  gasping,  O  God  of  the 
widow. 

It  was  midnight.     ISTo  noon-day  sun  shone  with 


224  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

more  glorious  brightness  than  my  heart  emitted 
within  me  at  that  hour.  "  Come,"  said  George,  tak- 
ing my  hand, ''  let  us  go  to  bed."  We  bowed  down 
upon  our  knees  and  talked  with  God.  On  arising, 
George  again  took  my  hand,  and  looking  me  direct- 
ly in  the  eye,  "  Remember,"  repeated  he,  '' '  the  fox- 
es have  holes,  and  the  birds  of  the  air  have  nests, 
but  the  Son  of  Man  hath  not  where  to  lay  His  head.'  " 
Then  pausing  for  a  moment,  he  supplemented  with 
emphasis,  "but  we  have."  I  turned  into  bed  with 
overflowing  heart.  My  pillow  felt  downy.  Sleep  I 
could  not,  but  I  could  anticipate  the  coming  morning 
with  tears  of  gratitude  and  words  of  joy. 

IN'early  three  weeks  of  uninterrupted  tranquility 
did  I  enjoy  under  this  benevolent,  Godly  roof.  Eve- 
ry hour  I  grew  stronger  in  the  grace  of  God.  It  was 
deemed  advisable  that  I  should  remain  secluded  for 
a  while,  so  my  relations  did  not  know  my  where- 
abouts. Meanwhile  their  movements  were  closely 
watched,  as  they  were  prowling  about  and  inquiring 
for  me  in  every  direction,  as  though  they  were  in 
quest  of  prey.  Some  time  afterward,  I  was  told  that 
my  father  had  expended  considerable  money  for  the 
purpose  of  kidnapping  me,  to  lodge  me  in  a  private 
mad-house.  But  the  Lord  was  my  protector,  and  he 
failed. 

Soon  as  it  was  known  to  my  father  that  I  was 
cared  for  by  the  Christians,  he  sent  me  daily  bribes, 
urging  me  to  recant.  Failing,  he  resorted  to  harsh 
measures,  and  threatened  to  prosecute  the  widow  for 
harboring  me,  pleading  that  I  was  a  minor.  This 
raised  up  very  many  friends  for  the  widow  and  in 


GOD    WILL    PROVIDE.  225 

my  behalf,  who,  as  an  offset,  threatened  my  father 
with  suit  for  my  support,  upon  the  ground  that  he 
had  thrown  me  out  of  a  home  and  refused  to  give  me 
shelter  under  his  roof,  while  I  was  a  minor. 

This  condition  of  things  grieved  me  very  sorely. 
I  could  not  bear  the  prospect  of  bringing  into  serious 
collision  my  Christian  friends  and  Jewish  foes.  I 
could  do  naught  other  than  I  had  done,  but  I  never 
calculated  upon  drawing  others  into  trouble  on  my 
account.  And  now  that  it  actually  came,  it  was 
more  than  I  could  bear.  I  fell  into  a  desponding 
state  of  mind,  of  which  the  Devil  took  the  greatest 
advantage ;  such  indeed  that  well  nigh  I  lost  sight 
of  the  mercies  of  God  and  rushed  heedless  of  results 
into  eternity.  For  I  was  on  the  eve  of  attempting 
suicide  a  second  time !  "  Hang  yourself,"  darted 
Satan,  "  and  have  done  with  this  trouble.  Go  on ; 
you  are  a  Jew  still,  and,  therefore,  you  are  perfectly 
secure.  Or  if  you  are  a  Christian,  you  must  in  any 
event  be  damned,  unless  you  are  of  the  '  predestina- 
ted *  few.     Hang  yourself,  and  so  end  your  trouble." 

The  terrible  arrangements  were  made  and  only 
awaited  the  final,  fatal  leap  in  the  dark,  when  I  was 
interrupted  by  the  hurried  approach  of  the  oldest 
son  of  the  widow,  who  began  at  once  to  talk  about 
my  father.  There  had  been  an  interview  with  him, 
held  by  my  friends.  Both  parties  agreed  to  with- 
draw their  suits,  as  my  father  had  said  that  he  should 
give  himself  no  more  concern  or  uneasiness  about 
me,  did  not  care  Avhat  became  of  me,  that  I  should 
never  enter  into  his  house  again,  and  that  on  no  ac- 
count w^ould  he  pay  a  single  shilling  for  me.  My 
15 


226  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

friends  responded  that  there  were  Christians  enough 
who  would  assist  me,  and  so  the  matter  ended. 
"  ^N'ow,"  insisted  the  young  man,  "  you  must  he  at 
rest,  the  difficulty  is  all  settled  and  we  will  assist 
you,  so  that  you  will  be  able  to  support  yourself 
independently." 

I  received  this  as  a  sovereign  balm  to  my  troubled 
mind,  and  gradually  became  tranquil.  When  I 
clearly  saw  how  wonderfully  the  Lord  had  delivered 
my  soul  from  death,  I  blessed  His  holy  name  who 
had  frustrated  my  wicked  purpose,  and  prayed  that 
the  name  of  Jesus  Christ  might  be  glorified  in  all 
my  future  life. 


CHAPTER  XXn. 

MESSIAH    SYMBOLICALLY    WEDDED. 

After  the  events  of  tlie  last  chapter,  I  found  my- 
self in  new  circumstances  and  foreign  surroundings. 
For  several  days  I  had  nothing  to  do  but  to  think, 
and  I  assure  you,  my  reader,  that  the  time  was  thus 
improved  most  industriously.  I  went  over  all  the 
ground  again,  mapped  accurately  the  lay  of  the  land, 
tested  its  qualities  with  the  more  perfect  helps  at 
hand,  explored  a  number  of  Christian  books,  tried 
arguments  for  and  against,  and  thus  arrived  at  the 
point  of  departure,  where  Jesus  unites  the  East  and 
West,  Jew  and  uncircumcised.  I  felt  satisfied  with 
every  step  I  had  taken  for  my  adorable  Saviour. 
But  here  I  am,  dwelling  under  this  Christian  roof, 
receiving  Christian  instruction  and  breathing  a 
Christian  atmosphere.  Christians  had  given  me  a 
bed :  Christians  were  feeding  me :  Christians  were 
encouraging  me  to  persevere.  Could  my  dear  father 
but  know  how  unspeakably  serene  my  mind  is,  would 
he  say  ever  again,  "  You  and  the  Christians  will  all 
go  to  hell  together  ? "  Yes,  he  would.  lie  could 
not  say  aught  else,  as  a  Jew !  Now  I  see  what  all 
my  visions  meant.  I  have  passed  through  the  ranks 
of  my  enemies  unscathed.      Even  my  angry  father 

227 


228  AUTO-BIOGRAPIIY. 

coulcl  do  110  more  than  impoverisli  me.  I  am  "  liglit 
out  of  darkness,"  and  if  God  help  me,  I  will  "  walk 
in  the  light."  I  jo^'oiisly  feel  that  now  I  am  quite 
ready  to  he  baptized.  I  experienced  such  a  sense  of 
freedom  in  the  matter,  that  smiling  I  said,  "  Tm 
'B'mitzvo'  now,  of  a  truth." 

A  day  or  two  later,  I  visited  Mr.  Peacock  again, 
and  renewed  my  request  for  baptism.  I  was  cor- 
dially received  by  the  whole  family,  to  whom  I  con- 
fided the  history  of  my  situation.  Everything  that  I 
related,  easily  understood,  was  readily  received. 
Many  were  the  kind  words  that  saluted  me,  and  full 
and  valuable  the  instruction.  But  after  remaining 
in  the  house  more  than  an  hour,  hearing  nothing 
about  the  baptism  I  wished,  I  began  to  grow  restless, 
fearing  that  I  had  made  mistake  in  some  way.  It 
must  be  borne  in  mind  that  I  had  never  seen  a  bap- 
tism, and  did  not  know  exactly  how  it  was  accom- 
plished; only  impressed  that  the  person  must  be 
"  buried"  in  water,  for  what  length  of  time  I  was  of 
course  ignorant.  At  length  I  ventured  to  ask  again 
for  baptism.  The  good  man  expressed  his  willing- 
ness to  accommodate  me.  Addressing  his  wife, 
"  Jane,"  quoth  he,  "  bring  me  a  bowl  of  water,  and 
I'll  give  Mr.  Davis  a  private  baptism."  On  hearing 
these  words,  I  pushed  back  my  chair  with  force 
against  the  wall.  I  must  have  turned  pale,  for  I  felt 
alarmed  at  the  strange  proceedings.  "  "W^liat's  the 
matter,  sir?"  exclaimed  Mr.  Peacock.  Only  I  don't 
understand  what  you  are  doing.  "  I  am  going  to 
baptize  you."  What,  in  a  bowl  of  water  ?  "  Yes, 
why  not  ? "     Here  I  became  embarrassed  and  simply 


MESSIAH   SYMBOLICALLY   WEDDED.  229 

replied,  "  I  must  go  *  down  into '  the  water,  and  be 
*  buried  with  Christ  by  baptism.'  "  "  But,"  inter- 
posed he,  ''  you  must  know  that  baptism  has  come 
in  the  room  of  circumcision,  and  is,  therefore,  a  sub- 
stitute for  that  rite ;  for  that  reason  infants  are  bap- 
tized (which  is  sometimes  called  christening,)  and 
this  is  done,  therefore,  by  sprinkling  them.  'Now, 
as  you  have  not  been  christened  in  infancy,  why  not 
be  so  now  ? "  Unprepared  for  all  this,  I  felt  con- 
fused. The  minister  appeared  pleased.  Presently, 
however,  an  idea  inspired  me.  Mr.  Peacock,  said  I 
timidly,  did  you  say  that  baptism  was  a  substitute  for 
circumcision  ?  "  So  it  is  taught,"said  he.  Then,  I 
modestly  replied,  am  not  I  exem2:>t  from  the  rite  of 
baptism  as  a  substitute,  from  the  fact  that  I  have  been 
circumcised,  and  you  can't  uncircumcise  me  ?  Must  I 
then  have  both  primitive  rite  and  its  mere  substitute  ? 
A  mischievous  smile  played  at  the  corner  of  his 
mouth,  and  his  wife  honestly  laughed  outright.  By 
this  time,  I  was  feeling  quite  "  green."  Placing  his 
chair  near  me,  "  My  young  friend,"  he  resumed,  "  I 
want  to  relieve  your  embarrassment."  Here  he  en- 
tertained me  for  a  long  time  \Ndth  the  history  of  the 
Christian  church,  its  denominations,  different  opin- 
ions, etc.,  assuring  me  that  all  Christians,  of  every 
human  name,  were  one  in  heart  and  equally  accepted 
by  the  Father  through  Jesus  the  Saviour.  "  I  have 
put  you  to  this  test,  in  order  to  find  out  how  you,  in 
your  unbiased  and  secluded  study  of  the  scriptures, 
understand  the  Xew  Testament.  I  am  quite  satis- 
fied with  you,  and  will  propose  you  to  tlie  church  as 
a  candidate  for  baptism."     May  I  inquire,  I  asked 


230  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

eagerly,  what  your  church  is  called  ?  To  which  he 
answered,  "  I  am  a  Baptist,  understanding  the  l^ew 
Testament  as  you  do,  and  admitting  nothing  else. 
I  asked  no  further  questions.  I  was  uneasy  to  know 
how  baptism,  was  done :  but  be  patient,  restless 
heart. 

Shortly  after  this  interview,  I  was  waited  upon  by 
a  committee  from  the  church,  whose  business  it  was 
to  hear  me,  ask  questions  relative  to  my  conversion, 
and  then  report  to  the  church.  Being  favorable  to 
my  reception  as  a  member,  they  at  once  named  the 
time  for  my  appearance  before  that  body.  At  the 
time  mentioned,  I  was  present,  and  upon  the  favora- 
ble report,  I  was  voted  in  as  a  member,  after  I  should 
be  baptized. 

The  circumstance  of  a  Jew  about  to  be  baptized 
had  a  tendency  to  gather  a  very  large  crowd  of  peo- 
ple on  the  evening  of  the  ceremony.  It  must  be 
understood  that  all  the  Baptist  churches  in  London 
have  each  its  own  baptistery,  well  supplied  with  wa- 
ter. An  appropriate  discourse  was  delivered,  after 
which  the  candidates  were  invited  into  the  vestry 
rooms  to  prepare  for  the  ordinance.  O,  how  exceed- 
ingly strange  all  this  appeared  to  me,  but  when  we 
returned  to  the  chapel  and  were  marshalled  in  front 
of  the  water,  my  astonishment  knew  no  bounds.  I 
felt  desperately  impatient  to  go  into  the  water,  so 
much  so  that  when  the  clergyman  took  the  hand  of 
the  first  convert  to  be  immersed  and  walked  into  the 
water,  in  my  ignorance  of  proceedings,  I  followed 
close  behind  him.  In  a  minute  he  saw  me.  "  Stop, 
stop,  a  moment,"  said  he,  and  handed  me  back  again 


MESSIAH   SYMBOLICALLY   WEDDED.  231 

to  bide  my  time.  What  was  the  matter  with  me  ? 
the  moment  I  saw  the  candidate  baptized  in  the 
name  of  the  sacred  Trinity,  tears  would  come.  So  I 
"  went  down  into "  the  consecrated  waters  which 
washed  away  those  kindred  tears  to  emerge  from  my 
hquid  grave  as  "  hght  out  of  darkness;"  for  I  left 
the  waters  smiling.  ISTow  am  I  a  member  of  Christ's 
church. 

I  must  here  relate  some  incidents  that  transpired 
on  the  occasion.  As  I  w^as  being  led  into  the  water, 
a  voice  from  the  gallery  shrieked  out,  "  My  bro- 
ther!" At  the  same  instant  a  young  man,  just  in 
the  act  of  throwing  himself  down  upon  the  crowd 
beneath,  was  restrained  by  those  around  him,  who 
seizing  hold  of  him  as  half  his  body  hung  over, 
pulled  him  back  in  the  greatest  possible  excitement. 
I  rely  upon  the  story  as  it  was  told  to  me,  everybody 
arriving  at  the  same  conclusion,  that  the  young  man 
was  my  own,  my  only,  dear  brother.  Appeals,  made 
to  me  for  a  solution,  I  could  only  answer  by  presum- 
ing that  it  was  my  brother.  Everybody  \vixs  the 
more  convinced  of  that  fact  by  his  conduct.  He  tore 
himself  from  the  grasp  of  his  many  saviors,  pushed 
his  way  rudely  through  the  crowd,  muttering  as  he 
moved,  "  He's  gone,  he's  gone."  So  he  "  went  away 
in  a  rage."  The  only  explanation  I  could  imagine 
as  accounting  for  that  extraordinary  circumstance 
was  that  the  fact  of  my  intended  baptism  had  reached 
my  brother's  ears.  He  still  hoping  against  hope  for 
my  recantation,  looked  upon  my  present  movement 
as  something  decisive.  He  had  not  believed  that  I 
would  take  the  final  step  and  join  the  Christian 


232  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

church.  But  when  he  saw  me  going  into  the  water, 
he  was  goaded  on  to  frensy  by  an  e\il  spirit,  and 
thus  in  madness  he  would  have  become  a  murderer 
and  suicide,  if  Christian  hands  had  not  saved  him. 
Then,  when  he  saw  me  immersed  in  water,  in  the 
name  of  the  Father  and  of  the  Son  and  of  the  Holy 
Ghost,  his  last  hope  blasted,  despair  seized  him,  the 
evidence  of  this  being  expressed  in  his  words  of  an- 
guish, "  He's  gone  !  he's  gone ! " 

Fortunately  I  was  insensible  to  the  affair  at  the 
time.  ]N'o thing,  therefore,  marred  my  delight,  but  a 
cherished  circumstance  enhanced  it.  The  moment 
I  "  came  up  out  of  the  water,"  I  was  caught  in  the 
arms  of  as  handsome  a  young  man  as  I  have  since 
seen.  In  a  loud  voice  he  said,  "  Brother,  in  the  name 
of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ,  I  greet  you  with  a  ^  holy 
kiss.' "  He  then  kissed  my  forehead.  That  kiss 
sunk  down  deep,  very  deep  into  my  heart ;  I  have 
never  for  a  moment  lost  its  effect.  The  young  man 
was  a  Polish  Jew,  who  had  embraced  Christianity 
some  time  pre^^.ous.  I  felt  encouraged  and  strength- 
ened. Making  from  time  to  time  acquisitions  to 
that  strength,  during  a  period  of  thirty-four  years, 
dating  from  that  sacred  night,  January  7th,  1834. 
I  continue  until  this  day,  by  the  grace  of  God,  stead- 
fast and  faithful  to  my  baptismal  vow.  "  l!^ow  also, 
when  I  am  old  and  gi-ay-headed,  0  God,  forsake  me 
not ;  until  I  have  showed  Thy  strength  unto  this 
generation,  and  Thy  power  to  every  one  that  is  to 
come." 


CHAPTER   XXni. 

SET    ADRIFT. 

Go  back  in  mind,  dear  reader,  and  recall  all  that 
you  have  read  of  this  narrative,  that  you  may  see 
clearly  my  present  attitude.  I  have  been  leading 
you  along  the  meandering  stream  of  my  Christian 
experience,  until  at  length  you  behold  me  enjoying 
the  privilege  of  membership  with  the  people  of  God 
in  His  militant  church.  By  my  Jewish  relations, 
this  last  step  was  construed  as  the  death-blow  of  hope 
for  my  recantation.  They  regarded  me  now,  so  far 
as  my  membership  in  the  family  held  out,  as  dead. 
They  buried  me  in  effigy,  and  went  through  mimic 
or  real  (I  know  not  which)  funeral  obsequies.  I 
never  learned  whether  they  said  "  Kadesh  "  for  my 
soul  after  death,  but  know  that  according  to  the  cus- 
tom of  mourning  for  the  dead,  they  imposed  on 
themselves  a  seven  da^-s'  ordeal,  sitting  upon  stools 
and  refusing  to  be  comforted.  The  men  neglected 
tbeir  beards  a  month,  had  on  shabby  clothes,  the  coat 
having  a  rent  made  in  it,  and — but  why  repeat  ? 

There  were  some  attendant  circumstances  well 
calculated  to  upset  the  entire  pantomime.  The  de- 
scription of  one  only  must  here  suffice.  My  loved 
ones  at  home  were  cursing  me  with  every  breath, 
and  aftectionately  wishing  me  a  "  Meshunmeshina,'' 

233 


234  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

sudden  death.  ITow,  I  think  that  they  ought  to  have 
received  that  fact  as  evidence  that  I  was  not  dead  at 
all.  They  pretended  to  mourn,  but  in  vain.  My 
father,  however,  did  a  very  sensible  thing.  Soon  as 
he  could  spare  time  from  cursing  my  soul,  he  altered 
his  will  so  as  entirely  to  disinherit  the  apostate,  and 
the  more  effectually  to  rob  me  of  any  lingering  hope 
to  repossess  myself  of  a  small  portion  of  my  rightful 
share,  he  at  once  received  my  brother  into  partner- 
ship with  him  in  his  business.  Thus  I  was  wholly 
cut  off  from  ever  associating  with  any  one  member 
of  the  family. 

In  a  temporal  point  of  view,  I  am  now  poor  and 
dependent.  I  have  lost  all  my  earthly  possessions 
and  friends.  But  I  "have  not  yet  resisted  unto 
blood,"  and  have  found  the  Pearl  of  great  price,  my 
heavenly  Treasure,  my  blessed  Sa\^our,  my  Friend 
that  sticketh  closer  than  a  brother.  A  voice  whis- 
pers, "  Fear  not ;  it  is  I : "  and  shall  I  repine  for  what 
I  have  lost?  N"o,  "  what  things  were  gain  to  me, 
those  I  counted  loss  for  Christ ;  yea  doubtless,  and  I 
count  all  things  but  loss  for  the  excellency  of  the 
knowledge  of  Christ  Jesus  my  Lord,  for  whom  I 
have  suffered  the  loss  of  all  things,  and  do  count 
them  but  dung,  that  I  may  win  Christ." 

l!^otwith standing  my  Christian  surroundings  and 
entire  alienation  from  my  relations,  no  human  arm 
could  have  been  potent  enough  to  protect  a  solitary 
boy  from  the  malice  of  an  infuriated  company  of 
bigoted  Jews,  many  of  whom  knew  me  and  were  a 
source  of  daily  annoyance  and  petty  persecution. 
Hence  I  found  it  to  be  necessary  that  I  seclude  my- 


SET   ADRIFT.  235 

self  as  much  as  possible.  But  business  on  however 
limited  a  scale  demanded  more  publicity  than  I  dare 
venture  into.  My  difficulty  in  this  respect  continued 
to  increase  to  such  an  extent  that  I  resolved  to  quit 
my  native  land  and  seek  a  home  on  American  soil. 

All  my  movements  must  now  be  directed  toward 
carrying  out  my  plans.  Is  it  weakness  for  me  to 
confess  that  I  did  wish  to  see  my  relations  before 
leaving  England — perhaps  forever?  I  had  been 
away  from  home  about  six  months,  when  one  day  I 
met  my  father  on  the  street,  and  mechanically 
grasped  his  hand.  Mistaking  me  for  an  associate  or 
fellow  tradesman  (!)  he  looked  pleased  for  a  moment ; 
but  the  instant  he  recognized  me,  his  countenance 
grew  dark,  he  cursed  me  as  a  "  meshumut,"  broke 
loose  from  my  hold  and  so  passed  on.  With  an- 
guished heart,  T  gazed  after  him,  sighing  the  jerem- 
iad, "  0  that  my  head  were  waters  and  mine  eyes  a 
fountain  of  tears,  that  I  might  weep  day  and  night. 
for  the  slain  of  the  daughter  of  my  people.  0  that 
I  had  in  the  wilderness  a  lodging  place  of  wayfaring 
men,  that  I  might  leave  my  people  and  go  from 
them,  for  they  be  all  adulterers,  an  assembly  of 
treacherous  men." 

Time  grew.  Kine  or  ten  months  passed  and  I 
had  not  moved  my  foot  across  the  threshold  of  my 
dear  father's  house.  The  thousrht  of  leavinof  the 
country  without  once  more  seeing  my  relations,  con- 
tinued exceedingly  painful.  I  even  dared  to  dream 
of  a  good-bye  kiss.  I  now  resolved  to  break  through 
all  restraint,  and  abruptly  enter  that  place  which  was 
once  my  home.     There,  yet  lived  those  whom  I  still 


236   •  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

loved;  and  my  heart  did  give  out  a  thrill  at  the 
thought  of  talking,  and  perhaps  weeping  with  them 
once  more.  But  my  beau  ideal  dreams  of  such  ex- 
quisitely woven  silken  cords  of  fraternal  affection 
were  never  to  he  realized. 

All  arrangements  for  my  voyage  to  I^ew  York 
were  completed.  I  must  talk  to  my  father  once 
more,  face  to  face.  I  watched  for  a  good  opportuni- 
ty on  a  Saturday,  when  I  knew  that  the  entire  fami- 
ly would  most  likely  be  together  at  the  warehouse, 
on  their  return"  from  the  synagogue.  Such  an  op- 
portunity soon  arrived.  On  the  next  Saturday  you 
might  have  seen  your  humble  servant  on  the  street, 
walking  in  the  rear  of  a  flashily-dressed  group  con- 
sisting of  my  father  and  step-mother  in  front,  two 
sisters  and  brother,  with  their  companions,  following 
after,  and  your  aforesaid  humble,  then  very  humble 
servant,  volunteer  rear-guard.  The  strangers  drop- 
ped off  to  go  to  their  homes,  and  "  our  folks  "  entered 
the  warehouse,  I  following  at  their  heels,  determined 
to  brave  it  through  this  time,  well  knowing  that  they 
could  do  me  no  more  harm.  In  a  moment  my  sis- 
ters and  step-mother  saw  me.  A  look,  a  start,  a 
squeal,  as  if  they  saw  a  mouse ;  an  appropriate  ex- 
pression of  surprise,  that  sounds  in  your  ear  like 
"  Sh'mong  B'nai,"  (hear,  my  son !)  and  then,  as  if 
the  hogs  of  Gadara,  or  their  motive  power,  or  both, 
or  the  whole  kith  and  kin  were  after  them,  up  the 
stairs  they  scud,  looking  over  their  shoulder  every 
leap  or  two,  at  me,  the  adjudged  demoniac,  until  the 
charming  view  dissolved,  for  exeunt  omnes.  I  have 
no  doubt  that  as  soon  as  they  touched  bottom,  they 


SET  ADRIFT.  237 

indulged  another  appropriate  word  of  surprise,  wliicli 
sounded  to  the  ear  uninitiated  like  "  Sh'niong  Yes- 
roile,"  (hear,  0  Israel !)  and  then  doubtless  blessed 
me  with  a  bitter  "  Meshunmeshina."  I  leave  them 
as  frightened  as  though  they  had  seen  the  ghost  of 
hjm  whom  they  had  pantomimically  buried  a  few 
weeks  previously.  Turning  around,  boldly  I  follow- 
ed my  father  into  the  counting-house,  where  I  met 
with  a  reception  commensurate  with  my  former 
treatment. 

The  instant  he  saw  me,  his  brows  contracted. 
"  Wliat  do  you  want  here  ?  "  he  demanded.  I  want, 
explained  I,  to  take  my  leave  of  you,  and  before  I 
go,  see  if  you  still  have  a  father's  heart.  "  You're 
not  my  son,"  he  broke  forth,  and  very  coarsely  asked, 
"  Where  are  you  going  ?  "  I  am  preparing  to  embark 
for  America,  and  do  not  expect  to  see  you  ever  again, 
until  I  meet  you  at  the  bar  of  God.  "Are  you  still 
a  Christian  ?  "  he  cried.  I  am.  "  Go  then  to  Amer- 
ica," he  rejoined,  "  and  mind,  sir,  what  I  now  say  to 
you.  If  you  arrive  safely  in  America,  and  there  re- 
cant, send  me  word,  and  I  will  provide  you  with 
ample  means  to  return  home;  but  if  you  won't 
recant,  then,  whether  you  are  hanged,  murdered, 
drowned,  or  poisoned,  it  will  not  move  me,  for  I 
don't  care  what  becomes  of  you;  and  then,  if  you 
ever  send  me  a  letter,  I  will  neither  read  it,  nor  an- 
swer it."  May  I  go  up  stairs  and  see  the  family?  I 
asked.  "  Ko,"  said  he,  "  they  don't  want  to  see  you 
ever  again."  This  treatment  cut  me  to  the  heart, 
and  in  spite  of  my  strongest  exertions  to  repress  it, 
a  tear  would  stray  forth.     However,  I  had  not  enter- 


238  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

ed  there  to  weep,  but  to  show  courage  for  Christ's 
sake.  I  stretched  out  my  hand  toward  my  father, 
and  my  voice  raised,  with  an  effort,  breathed,  "  Fa- 
ther, farewell,"  my  right  hand  still  extended.  Tar- 
dily, begrudgingly  his  hand  moved  toward  me. 
With  a  firm  grasp  I  seized  it,  holding  it  with  both 
my  hands ;  then  looking  him  full  in  the  face.  Father, 
said  I,  farewell  forever!  This  touched  him.  In 
spite  of  his  pride,  his  eyes  filled  quite  full,  and  as  he 
gently  drew  away  his  hand  from  me,  he  muttered, 
"  Go,  and  I  icish  you  wellJ'  As  I  caught  these  words 
my  heart  almost  burst.  I  turned  away  from  him. 
!N^ever  have  I  seen  him  since. 

During  this  scene,  my  brother,  who  had  evidently 
seen  me  at  the  first,  had  remained  out  of  sight,  but 
within  hearing.  But  now  that  I  have  turned  to 
leave  the  place  forever,  I  am  confronted  by  my  bro- 
ther, who  was  standing  in  the  middle  of  the  floor 
waiting  for  me.  I  saw  him,  and  expected  another 
blast.  For  some  time  (as  it  seemed)  we  stood  look- 
ing at  each  other,  and  almost  ere  we  were  either  of 
us  aware,  mthout  a  single  word  being  spoken,  we 
were  in  another  moment  locked  in  each  other's  arms 
sobbing  aloud. 

My  time  was  short.  Breaking  loose  from  his  hold, 
I  took  his  hand  in  mine.  "  Farewell,  dear  brother," 
said  I,  "  farewell — perhaps  forever  !  "  lie  turned 
from  me  weeping ;  and  I  left  the  inhospitable  place, 
never  to  enter  it  again.  I  had  bid  adieu  to  both 
father  and  brother.  I  had  seen  their  tears,  and  hon- 
ored their  manhood.  My  religion  taught  me  to  have 
pity   upon  them  because  of  their  darkening  igno- 


SET   ADRIFT.  239 

ranee.  If  I  could  aceount  the  same  for  the  course  of 
the  female  part  of  the  family,  I  should  cherish  the 
more  comfortably  their  memories.  Alas,  they  were 
too  much  hardened  to  sympathize  in  the  least  with 
me.  Let  blushing  bury  its  face,  as  I  rehearse  the 
astounding  fact,  that  all  through  this  tragedy  the 
women  of  my  own  family  were  so  lost  to  every  ten- 
der sentiment,  as  to  treat  the  whole  event  with  spite- 
ful lightness.  They  did  not  manifest  the  least  anxi- 
ety even  for  my  recovery ;  but  seemingly  lost  to  fem- 
inine sensibility,  their  invectives  were  harsher,  and 
their  general  conduct  more  cruel  toward  me  than 
the  men  ever  dreamed  of.  Father,  forgive  them,  for 
they  know  not  what  they  do. 

The  balance  of  my  time  must  be  occupied  in  giv- 
ing and  taking  adieus.  Many  a  Christian  prophesied 
that  one  day  I  should  be  a  minister  of  Jesus.  And 
my  good  old  pastor  cautioned,  "  If  ever  you  preach 
the  gospel,  every  time  you  have  finished  a  sermon — 
leave  off!  "  The  whole  church  prayed  for  me,  and  I 
felt  blest.  I  took  my  leave  of  M.  and  her  mother. 
I  might  have  had  company  to  America,  but  the  Lord 
ordered  otherwise;  and  time  has  proved  all  the 
Lord's  arrangements  for  me  to  have  been  well  or- 
dered. 


CHAPTER  XXiy. 


I  love  thee  well, 
England,  ray  native  land; 
Thy  scenes  on  every  hand 

Prized  history  tell. 

Through  tunnels  dark, 
Through  forests  dftnse  and  damp 
Has  been  my  weary  tramp? 

Quenching  hope's  spark. 

So  let  it  be. 
"Where  should  the  Christ  be  found, 
Where  His  rich  grace  abound?— 

On  Calvary. 

My  Calvary! 
Thou  altar  mount  now  green 
"Whose  dew  hath  been 

The  sweat  of  agony. 

Yet,  Zion  blest 
Doth  neighbor  closely  by : 
Song  tunes  my  every  sigh ; 

Care  sinks  to  rest. 

A  father  dear? 
Ah  such  an  one.  in  heaven  !— 

And  kindred  near? 
In  Christ  all  these  are  given. 

Still  steals  the  sigh  : 
Home,  where  is  now  my  home? 

Only  in  memory— 
Rather,  in  joys  to  come ! 


ENGLAND,   FAREWELL.  241 

England,  farewell; 
From  thee  my  fatherland 
I've  caught,  e'en  on  thy  strand, 

A  seer's  spell. 

This  effusion  of  my  soul  as  it  poured  itself  forth  at 
the  present  juncture,  was  faithfully  expressed  and 
sympathetically  worded  by  another  on  learning  my 
relish  for  a  morsel  of  verse,  my  desire  in  particular 
to  have  thus  set  forth  the  tender  experiences  of  this 
affecting  epoch.  The  approaching  change  was  great. 
Thirtj^-four  years  ago,  when  I  was  in  my  native  city, 
London,  it  seemed  a  very  long  voyage  to  America, 
and  like  reaching  earth's  jumping-off  place  to  have 
arrived  at  ITew  York.  But  I  have  since  passed 
through  most  of  the  re-united  states,  while  these 
have  multiplied,  and  are  outstripped  by  steam  com- 
munication. So  now  my  youthful  alarm  seems  an 
excellent  joke. 

But  these  three  decades  must  be  retraced.  In  a 
few  days  I  was  actually  on  board  of  the  old  whaler, 
Calista,  which  was  to  bear  me  over  the  deep  to  a 
land  of  strangers.  And  here  must  be  my  prison,  in 
company  with  some  two  hundred  others,  until  it 
shall  please  the  God  of  the  ocean  to  dispose  of  me 
further. 

The  reader  has  doubtless  at  some  time  been  thrown 
into  society  so  abhorrent  to  him  that  he  would  in- 
stinctively shy  off  to  one  side  and  "  meditate."  Such 
is  tlie  repugnant  company  at  a  countiy  tavern  to  the 
refined  traveler,  who  nevertheless  cannot  better  his 
condition.  "Worse  even  as  you  may  imagine  it,  is 
the  mental  tribulation  of  an  innocent  man,  who 
wrongfully  suspected  and  consequently  arrested,  is, 
16 


242  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

of  course,  thrown  into  the  prison-yard  in  company 
with  the  lowest  felon.  How  naturally  he  shrinks  to 
a  secluded  corner,  there  to  think — ahout  what? 
Aye,  "  that's  the  question." 

It  is  well  understood  that  now  I  am  not  rich,  suffi- 
ciently poor  indeed  to  prompt  me  to  take  my  place 
among  the  poorest  emigrants.  Still,  I  felt  very  hap- 
py with  Christ  in  my  heart,  a  true  disciple  of  my 
own  good  old  Moses.  "  When  he  was  come  to  years 
he  refused  to  he  called  the  son  of  Pharoah's  daugh- 
ter, choosing  rather  to  suffer  affliction  with  the  peo- 
ple of  God,  than  to  enjoy  the  pleasures  of  sin  for  a 
season,  esteeming  the  reproach  of  Christ  greater 
riches  than  the  treasures  in  Egypt ;  for  he  had  respect 
unto  the  recompense  of  the  reward."  Thus  my  mind 
ran  on,  as  thoughtfully  (and  gloomily)  I  called  up 
hefore  my  mind's  eye  all  the  characters  that  had 
played  any  part  in  my  drama.  The  first  evening  on 
board  of  the  ship  was  my  initiatory  to  a  world — ^mul- 
tum  in  parvo,  much  in  a  small  space.  All  were  en- 
tire strangers  to  me,  and  their  company  was  so  very 
unpleasant,  so  strikingly  contrasted  with  what  I  had 
been  used  to,  that  it  required  several  days'  experience 
in  that  ship's  hold  before  I  could  understand  practi- 
cally the  precept,  "Love  thy  neighbor."  You, 
therefore,  know  why  I  walk  the  steerage  alone. 

Every  event  of  the  past,  present,  and  probable  fu- 
ture rose  up  before  me.  I  seemed  to  live  several 
months  over  again.  Now,  I  am  visiting  M. ;  I  see 
her  before  me ;  she  is  telling  me  about "  His  blood :" 
I  feel  content  to  listen,  since  things  have  turned  out 
as  they  have.     Now,  I  reflect  on  the  hard-heartednesa 


ENGLAND,   FAREWELL.  243 

of  my  female  relations,  then  the  obduracy  of  my 
father.  Again,  I  think  of  the  sorrow  of  my  poor 
brother,  and  then  of  his  prophesy  about  '^  begging." 
Here  the  question  pops  up,  what  shall  I  do  when  I 
arrive  at  lN"ew  York  ?  True,  I  have  a  letter  from  my 
church,  directed  to  any  other  church  of  the  same  faith 
and  order ;  but  I  may  lose  that,  and  I  have  not  a  line 
to  any  individual  who  might  be  my  friend.  I  feel 
gloomy.  Perhaps  I  may  be  a  beggar  after  all. 
"  The  Lord  knoweth  the  w^ay  of  the  righteous." 
But  here  I  am,  alone  in  the  world.  Have  not  I  seen 
my  dear  brother  for  the  last  time  ?  He  at  least  shall 
never  see  me  in  this  company,  or  know  of  my  penury 
in  America.  In  turn,  I  grow  impatient  to  be  on  my 
voyage.  Any  condition  is  preferable  to  suspense. 
Seated  on  my  trunk,  with  eyes  closed  and  face  buried 
in  my  hands,  I  do  not  weep,  but  simply  breathe  a 
prayer  to  God,  and  wait ! 

Somebody  has  laid  a  hand  lightly  on  my  shoulder. 
There  was  language  in  that  magnetic  touch.  I  did 
not  start ;  I  felt  no  fear  of  anybody.  The  hand  lin- 
gered. I  felt  it  tremble  on  my  shoulder.  Raising 
my  head,  I  ventured  to  look  at  the  owner  of  that 
hand.  It  w^as  my  brother !  He  had  come  to  make 
one  more  effort  for  my  recovery.  ITeither  of  us 
could  speak  a  word.  He  appeared  stupefied,  and 
looked  confused,  and  I  am  confident  that  he  would 
have  sunk,  if  he  had  not  laid  his  head  on  my  shoul- 
der, to  weep ;  and  only  when  he  was  sufiiciently  re- 
covered to  speak,  could  he  inaudibly  sob  out,  "  my 
brother !  my  brother ! "  His  broken  sentences  for 
several  minutes  I  did  not  understand.     I  stretched 


244  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

my  arm  aromicl  liim,  but  I  could  neither  speak  nor 
weep.  It  Avas  several  minutes  before  he  was  suffi- 
ciently composed  to  speak.  He  then  made  me  some 
valuable  proposals  to  return  home,  but  the  proviso 
to  all  was  that  I  must  recant.  He  came  so  sure  of 
success,  that  he  had  brought  with  him  a  porter  to 
carry  back  my  trunks.  But  "  the  love  of  Christ 
constrained  me."  I  could  not  recant:  he  could  not 
move  me.  He  remained  with  me  until  dark,  then 
left,  greatly  disappointed  by  his  failure. 

'Next  morning,  the  ship  was  towed  to  a  watering 
place  about  five  miles  distant.  Many  of  the  passen- 
gers remained  on  shore  all  night.  I  tarried  in  the 
ship,  thinking  of  everything,  suppressing  an  occa- 
sional stray  tear,  but  regretting  nothing.  Arousing 
to  the  consciousness  that  this  is  all  for  Christ's  sake, 
I  bowed  my  head  in  submission  to  the  Lord's  ar- 
rangements, drew  the  strap  of  my  armor  a  little 
tighter,  and  felt  the  power  of  actual  faith. 

Day  and  night  are  the  same  to  the  sailor.  Give 
him  light  enough  and  he  will  work  on.  All  night 
long  there  was  the  confusion  of  such  business  as  is 
peculiar  to  the  mariner.  Arrangements  for  a  speedy 
departure  were  nearty  completed  by  the  morning. 
Passengers  and  freight  were  hurrjung  and  being 
hurried  on  board.  Personally,  J  was  anxious  to  be 
gone.  I  did  not  want  to  recognize  again  forever 
any  one  of  my  relations.  Yet  I  loved  them ;  I  did 
more  than  that  for  my  brother,  I  loved  and  pitied 
him. 

I  had  now  given  up  my  dear,  "  Old  England  "  and 
all  familiar  faces  forevermore.     I  was  watching  the 


ENGLAND,   FAREWELL.  245 

men  with  considerable  emotion,  as  their  shore  labors 
nearcd  completion,  when  lo,  if  the  ghost  of  my  dead 
great-grandfather  had  been  on  the  rigging  of  that 
old  whaler,  I  should  not  have  been  more  surprised 
than  I  was.  to  see  standing  before  me  once  more  my 
inevitable  brother !  Moments  were  flying  fast.  He 
talked  nervously,  and  sobbed  freely.  He  did  not 
appear  to  have  brought  any  special  message  this 
time,  but  he  could  not  control  his  emotions.  "  Must 
you  go?  Will  you  leave  us?  You'll  starve  in 
America;  nobody  will  care  for  you.  Your  father  is 
almost  broken-hearted.  He  says  if  you  will  only  say 
yes,  only  say,  that  you  recant,  and  will  come  home, 
that  he  will  be  more  than  a  father  to  you."  Then 
he  offered  me,  as  heretofore,  bribes  of  money  to  elicit 
my  recantation.  "  I  might  only  say,  '  I  recant.'  " 
Thus  he  continued  to  labor  as  only  a  faithful  brother 
knows  how  to  do  until  the  hour  had  arrived  for  leav- 
ing. The  captain's  well-known,  "  Loose  her,"  was 
responded  to  by  the  mate's,  "Aye,  aye,  sir;  loose 
her."  Still  my  brother,  agitated  in  every  nerve, 
clung  to  me,  concernedly  looking  toward  the  shore. 
*'  0,"  wailed  he,  "  must  I  part  with  my  brother  ?  I 
never  knew  that  I  loved  you  until  now.  You  have 
got  my  heart;  take  it  "svith  you,  farewell."  I  drew 
him  close  to  me  and  kissed  him.  Our  tears  mingled. 
Brother,  I  assured  him,  farewell,  farewell.  I  have 
*'  a  Friend  that  sticketh  closer  than  a  brother."  He 
will  cross  the  ocean  with  me,  and  take  care  of  me  in 
America.  "  Company  off',"  and  one  general  rush 
from  ship  to  shore,  and  the  gallant  old  whaler  was 
before  the  breeze.     ITow  for  the  first  time  I  looked 


246  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

at  faces  on  shore.  There  stood  my  brother,  weeping. 
My  heart  bled  for  him.  Here  I  recognized,  as  arriv- 
ing just  too  late,  M.  and  her  mother,  with  several 
members  of  the  church.  I  saw  the  waving  of  hand- 
kerchiefs. I  did  not  return  the  salute,  for  my  mind 
was  absorbed  by  that  one  handkerchief  which 
shrouded  the  eyes  of  my  dear,  dear  brother.  Long 
and  lovingly  I  looked  towards  the  receding  shore. 
Did  I  look  as  Lot's  wife  looked?  The  Lord  my 
witness,  no !  "  Truly  if  they  had  been  mindful  of 
that  country  from  whence  they  came  out,  they  might 
have  had  opportunity  to  have  returned.  But  now 
they  desire  a  better  country,  that  is  a  heavenly; 
wherefore  God  is  not  ashamed  to  be  called  their 
God,  for  He  hath  prepared  for  them  a  city."  The 
figures  on  shore  fade  away.  Distance  dropped  the 
curtain  between  us,  as  the  last  of  the  summer  of  1834 
was  blessing  "  Merrie  Old  England." 

••The  path  of  isorrow,  and  that  path  alone, 
Leads  to  the  land  where  sorrow  is  unknown : 
No  trav'ler  ever  reach'd  that  blest  abode, 
Who  found  not  thorns  and  briers  on  the  road." 

— CowrKB. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

ON    THE    OCEAN. 

The  waters  saw  Thee,  O  God,  the  waters  saw  Thee ;  they  were  afraid, 
the  depths  also  were  troubled.  Thy  way  is  in  the  sea,  and  Thy 
path  is  in  the  great  waters  O  Lord,  how  manifold  are  Thy  works ! 
In  wisdom  hast  Thou  made  them,  all :  the  earth  is  full  of  Thy  rich- 
es. So  is  this  great  and  wide  sea,  wherein  are  things  creeping 
innumerable,  both  small  and  great  beasts.  .  .  .  They  that  go 
down  to  the  sea  in  ships,  that  do  business  in  great  waters,  these 
see  the  works  of  the  Lord  and  His  wonders  in  the  deep. 

Land  out  of  sight,  we  are  now  fairly  on  the  ocean ! 
"Don't  you  dread  going  to  America?"  I  don't 
know !  "  Ar'n't  you  afraid  of  beggary  ? "  Let  me 
alone !     ^'  Don't  you  want  to  go  home  ? "     Go  away. 

I  don't  feel  well.     "  I^ow  just  think ."     I  can't 

think ;  I'm  sick.  Let  me  alone !  What's  got  over 
me  ?  I  feel,  I  feel,  like ;  like  every  one  else  on  board. 
That  is  to  say  we  are  all  sea-sick.  IN'ow,  some 
"  land  lubber,"  who  has  never  smelt  salt  water,  may 
read  this  and  wonder  what  this  sea-sickness  resem- 
bles. It  has  been  often  described,  yet  I  have  always 
thought  a  person  quite  gifted  who  could  give  an  ac- 
curate idea  of  the  condition  of  things  in  an  orchestra 
of  one  hundred  and  fifty  performers  giving  forth  at 
the  same  time,  and  each  one  acting  his  part  indepen- 
dently. Imagine  yourself  as  feeling  very  bilious, 
when  an  invisible  hand  lays  you  on  the  broad  of 
your  back  upon  the  ground.     IN'ow  you  are  being 

247 


248  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

lifted  by  your  feet.  TJp  you  go  till  your  head  drops 
down.  High  iu  air  3'ou  are  swung  swiftly  around. 
Now  you  are  let  down  gently,  and  replaced  upon 
your  feet,  to  stand,  yes,  all  alone.  Pray,  how  did 
you  come  so  ?  might  be  asked.  In  the  South,  you 
may  remember  having  seen  a  flock  of  ugly  turkey- 
buzzards,  ranged  along  the  fence  during  a  very  rainy 
day.  Do  you  remember  how  miserable  they  ap- 
peared with  head,  wings,  feathers,  and  rain  all 
drooping  together  ?  Well,  these  creatures  present  a 
little  picture  of  distress  when  compared  with  one 
hundred  "furriners,"  all  busy  together  over  the 
ship's  sides.  This  is  sea-sickness;  and  my  good 
feeling  for  my  uninitiated  reader  is  evidenced  by  the 
sincere  wish  that  he  may  purchase  all  his  knowledge 
in  the  premises  from  observation,  and  not  from 
practice. 

Thus  it  w^ill  be  readily  understood  why  it  was  that 
I  was  in  no  danger  of  being  bothered  by  thoughts  of 
any  kind  and  about  anything.  With  every  pulsation 
most  giddily  interested  in  passing  events,  the  sufferer 
only  thinks  of  one  event  more ;  and  that  is,  of  lying 
at  the  bottom  of  the  sea  in  preference  to  living  (?)  on 
the  top  of  it.  Many  a  time  since  then,  I  have  dwelt 
wdth  rapturous  contemplation  upon  the  idea  given  to 
us  through  John,  in  Rev.  xxi.  1 :  "  There  was  no 
more  sea ! "  As  that  will  be  so,  I  want  to  hve  in 
that  beautiful  country.  Wliy  not  ?  Here  we  have 
sea,  and  if  3'ou  will  read  the  hundred  and  seventh 
psalm,  you  will  find  that  you  cannot  "  see  the  works 
of  the  Lord,  and  His  wonders  in  the  deep,"  uidess 
you  submit  to  "  stagger  like  a  drunken  man."     But 


ON   THE   OCEAN.  249 

yonder  there  will  be  "  no  more  sea/'  Conseqviently 
no  such  sickness  will  mar  the  travel  of  eternal  life, 
no  geographical  boundaries  bar  social  interchange, 
no  obstruction  exist  to  the  family  intercourse  of  all 
God's  dear  children ;  again,  by  consequence  no  sects 
will  be  found,  and  nothing  to  disunite  men's  praises 
forever.  There  the  native  air  will  depend  upon  the 
breath  of  the  Lord  for  its  vitality,  and  not  upon  the 
phenomena  of  ocean :  while  the  eternal  God  will  be 
the  direct  cause  of  all  our  spiritual  transit ;  for  there 
will  be  "  no  more  sea." 

But  it  will  be  time  enough  to  fly  away  rapturously, 
when  we  unitedly  sing  the  song  of  redemption 
through  Jesus.  As  for  me,  I'm  here  still,  riding  on 
the  ocean,  and  praying  for  calm  weather  enough  to 
allow  a  few  merry  "  John-BuUites  "  to  go  through 
the  song  that  they  have  already  attempted  to  sing  a 
score  of  times : 

"  I'm  on  the  sea,  I'm  on  the  sea, 
The  blue,  the  fresh,  the  ever  free 
It  mounts  to  th  .  .  .  .'    O,  O,  dear!'' 

Every  voyager  is  expected  to  tell  some  thrilling 
narrative  of  hair-breadth  escape  from  pirates,  from 
icebergs,  from  storm,  from  wi-eck,  from  what  not  ? 
Must  I  submit  to  this  demand  ?  One  day  our  men 
harpooned  a  monstrous  fish  of  some  sort,  and  hauled 
him  up  on  deck.  Cutting  him  open,  they  exhibited 
the  whole  specimen  to  the  ship.  This  was  a  great 
treat  for  me,  as  I  had  a  chance  to  investigate.  With 
my  large  magnifying  glass  I  got  down  low  to  exam- 
ine through  my  magnifier  the  millions  of  parasites 
that   covered  the  entire  carcass.      I  was  certainly 


250  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

much  interested,  acquiring  ideas,  when  all  at  once 
some  graceless  wag  gave  my  head  a  violent  push 
downward,  and  tumbled  me  sprawling  into  the  nasty, 
slimy  fish.  However,  nobody  knew  that  my  name 
is  "  Jonah."  Fortunately  my  fish  was  fished  and 
dead. 

Something  must  transpire  in  the  life  of  every  man 
to  bring  him  into  notice.  Soon  after  this  trifling 
circumstance,  I  was  obliged  to  put  up  with  the  many 
new  acquaintances  that  thrust  themselves  upon  me. 
Everybody  was  blamed  for  the  filthy  joke,  and  of 
course  nobody  knew  anything  about  it.  But,  be- 
yond this,  the  people  wanted  to  know  something 
about  me.  "  Then  said  they  unto  him,  tell  us,  we 
pray  thee,  for  whose  cause  this  evil  is  upon  us? 
What  is  thine  occupation?  and  whence  comestthou? 
What  is  thy  country  ?  and  of  what  people  art  thou  ? 
And  he  said  unto  them,  I  am  a  Hebrew,  and  I  fear 
Jehovah,  the  God  of  heaven,  which  hath  made  the 
sea  and  the  dry  land."  (Jonah  i :  8.)  This  was  my 
time  to  preach  Christ,  and  to  prove  myself  to  be  a 
Christian. 

Every  name  of  enemy  to  the  cross  of  Christ  was 
represented  in  this  crowd,  including  six  Jews. 
Among  them  I  found  but  two  old  soldiers  of  the 
cross,  who,  I  afterward  learned,  belonged  to  the 
Methodist  church.  They  were  visiting  the  United 
States  to  see  their  children,  intending  then  to  return 
to  their  native  land  and  lay  their  bones  in  English 
soil.  AVhen  I  became  fully  conscious  of  the  startling 
truth  that  out  of  two  hundred  or  more  persons,  but 
three  even  professed  to  adore  the  immaculate  Jesus, 


ON   THE    OCEAN.  251 

I  resolved,  God  helping  me,  I  will  try  to  preach  tlie 
gospel  on  board  this  very  ship. 

One  of  the  common  disasters  at  sea,  which  teach 
sinful  man  that  God  demands  our  devotion  now  fell 
upon  us.  After  a  hard  time  of  four  weeks'  duration, 
instead  of  landing  at  J^ew  York,  agreeably  to  our 
expectation  and  prayers,  we  found  ourselves  tacking 
about  the  banks  of  ^Newfoundland.  In  due  time  the 
storm  subsided.  The  ship  was  very  badly  shaken ; 
but  we  were  all  safe  now,  and  the  sea  stood  calm. 
How  wonderful  to  see  the  ship  resting  peacefully 
upon  the  same  briny  bosom  that  had  heaved  with 
her  so  tumultuously,  even  imperiling  many  precious 
lives  for  quite  a  long  time  !  The  great  hulk  appears 
to  be  taking  a  breathing  spell,  as  she  lies  straight  in 
her  full  length,  as  though  glad  of  a  cessation  of  hos- 
tilities with  the  boisterous  elements.  All  hands  fell 
to  work  with  right  good  will  to  right  the  boat,  and 
soon  we  were  under  way  again  for  New  York. 

"Ebenezer!  hitherto  the  Lord  hath  helped  us." 
But  the  thought  of  all  these  precious  souls  rushing 
upon  God  with  the  thick  bosses  of  their  buckler, 
only  to  be  driven  back  into  the  fire  of  His  eternal 
wrath,  awakened  in  my  heart  a  determination  to  try 
to  save  them  in  the  name  of  the  Lord  Jesus. 
Watching  for  an  opportunity  when  the  rough  pro- 
fane captain  appeared  to  be  in  a  good  humor,  I  asked 
permission  to  call  the  passengers  and  crew  together, 
that  I  might  preach  to  them  the  Gospel  of  Jesus. 
He  replied  by  swearing  sailor-fashion  that  he  did  not 
care  what  I  did,  provided  I  kept  on  the  forward  deck 
of  the  vessel.     At  the  word,  I  announced  the  hour 


252  AUTO-BIOaRAPHY. 

for  preaching.  The  weather  being  calm  at  the  time, 
I  mounted  on  a  chair  which  I  had  placed  between 
the  two  decks,  and  reading  the  thirteenth  chapter 
of  Luke's  gospel,  proceeded  for  the  first  time  in  my 
Ufo  to  select  a  text,  namely,  the  third  verse,  "  Except 
ye  repent,  ye  shall  all  likewise  perish.''  I  then  tried 
to  tell  them  just  what  the  Lord  communicated  to 
me. 

It  must  here  be  understood  that  I  had  no  protec- 
tion. The  captain,  a  demon  at  the  head  of  a  ship 
load  of  willing  dupes,  while  I  was  speaking,  every 
imaginable  annoyance  was  practised  for  my  confu- 
sion. As  the  first  class  there  were  four  infidels. 
The  second  class  included  six  Jews.  Among  the 
third  class  were  about  eighty  Catholics;  and  they 
were  the  most  reverential  in  their  conduct.  The 
Jews  chased  the  dogs,  set  the  pigs  squealing,  and 
tumbled  against  my  chair — by  accident.  The  infi- 
dels derided  and  debated  to  nobody's  advantage : 
while  the  sailors  and  their  inferiors  cursed,  looking 
at  me  and  swearing  by  turns.  Still  I  stuck  to  it, 
and  preached  Christ.  God  knows  that  it  was  a  fee- 
ble but  sincere  effort.  That  I  might  not  be  alto- 
gether cast  down  in  my  virgin  endeavor,  God  gave 
me  one  sailor,  and  a  happier  convert  I  have  not  yet 
seen.  This  filled  me  with  such  courage  that,  from 
such  a  small  beginning,  I  continued  to  preach  Jesus, 
and  to  this  day  I  have  not  ceased  to  declare  the  un- 
scarchaljle  riches  of  Christ. 

This  new  labor  exposed  me  to  new  trials.  The 
Jews  and  infidels  united  to  annoy  me.  But  God 
was  my  very  present  help  in  trouble.     I  did  not  fear. 


ON   THE   OCEAN.  253 

And  after  a  hard  voyage  of  nearly  ten  weeks,  we 
anchored  at  the  quarantine,  some  time  toward  the 
last  of  September,  of  the  cholera  season  in  1834. 
Two  weeks  later,  we  were  permitted  to  land  in  Kew 
York.     I^ow,  I  am  a  pilgrim  indeed ! 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

MY    SELF-SELECTED    HOME. 

"  Each  aspiration  of  our  human  earth 
Becomes  an  act  thro'  keenest  pangs  of  birth; 
Each  force,  to  bless,  must  cease  to  be  a  dream, 
And  conquer  life  thro'  agony  supreme." 

This  day  I  step  upon  American  soil.  Little  did  I 
at  that  time  dream  that  here  I  was  to  spend  the  re- 
mainder of  my  days.  It  was  not  the  appearance  of 
the  city  tliat  filled  my  soul  with  misgivings.  But, 
"  I'm  a  pilgrim,  and  I'm  a  stranger."  Nor  was  it 
this  fact  alone :  but,  a  stranger,  I  am  withal  very 
poor.  Even  yet  I  have  not  told  the  whole  truth.  I 
am  both  poor  and  proud.  Fearful  forebodings  con- 
trol my  whole  soul  in  remembrance  of  my  brother's 
prediction,  that  I  would  beg  my  bread  from  door  to 
door  in  America.  A  poor  emigrant !  where  shall  I 
go  ?  what  shall  I  do  ?  aye,  what  can  I  do  ?  "  Beg ! " 
chuckled  Satan.  Never !  "  though  He  slay  me,  yet 
will  I  trust  in  Him.^^  Still  I  could  not  help  prajdng 
for  a  passage  back  to  my  own  country.  But  I  had 
no  home  there.  Yet  my  heart  was  there.  Nobody 
in  New  York  surely  cared  for  an  outcast.  Christian, 
Jewish  boy.  True,  I  had  a  church  letter,  but  what 
could  I  do  with  it?  I  had  no  home,  and  my  spirits 
were   sorely   dejected.      I   dare   not  make  myself 


MY   SELF-SELECTED   HOME.  255 

known.  Perhaps  the  church  woukl  have  heen  my 
shelter  from  the  storm.  But  I  had  no  experience, 
and  was  too  proud  besides  to  have  any  living  being 
know  of  my  condition,  ^o,  I  will  "  stand  still  and 
see  the  salvation  of  the  Lord."  I  will  submit  to  my 
destiny,  whatever  be  the  will  of  the  Lord,  whether 
prosperity  or  adversity. 

Li  those  days  there  were  few  Christian  hands  and 
hearts  wide  open  to  receive  the  foreigner  who  lands 
upon  the  free  soil  of  the  new  world ;  if  there  had 
been,  I  should  not  have  lain  nearly  three  weeks  in  a 
miserable  house,  sick  with  cholera,  without  the  aid 
of  human  hand  or  sympathy  of  Christian  prayer. 
So  at  least  it  seemed.  But  my  "  Friend,  who  stick- 
eth  closer  than  a  brother,"  never  deserted  me.  Had 
I  died  then,  my  name  would  have  been  blotted  from 
earth's  record.  Kobody  knew  me,  nobody  cared  for 
me.  They  would  have  said,  "  a  pauper  has  died." 
"  Rattle  his  bones,"  etc. 

"While  I  was  lying  sick  in  helplessness  and  filth,  at 
just  such  an  outside  place  as  you  may  well  imagine 
they  would  thrust  a  dying  emigrant  into,  even  then 
I  did  not  realize  that  I  should  die.  Jesus  restored 
unto  me  the  joy  of  His  salvation,  and  for  His  sake  I 
recovered,  to  speak  forth  the  honor  of  His  glorious 
name  to  a  perishing  world.  When,  however,  I  re- 
covered, I  had  to  submit  to  the  loss  of  one  of  my 
trunks,  which  had  been  stolen.  Thus  I  lost  nearly 
all  my  clothes;  certainly  all  my  best  things.  But 
there  was  no  redress. 

My  afflictions  began  to  feel  heavy,  but  the  remem- 
brance that  Jesus  endured  agony  far  heavier  than  I 


256  AUTO-BIOaRAPHY. 

could  sustain,  and  all  this  to  encourage  me,  certainly 
made  my  burden  light.  Was  this  the  way  to  take 
the  yoke  of  Christ  upon  me  ?  Jesus  at  least  sancti- 
fied all  my  distress  to  me,  and  gave  me  grace  to  re- 
hearse all  my  sorrows  in  the  ears  of  my  Lord. 

My  money  was  now  nearly  exhausted.  I  did  not 
know  how  to  make  more.  I  cried  to  the  Lord  in 
my  extremity.  I  knew  not  where  else  to  go.  "  In 
my  distress  I  called  upon  the  Lord  and  cried  to  my 
God;  He  heard  my  voice  out  of  His  temple,  and  my 
cry  came  before  Him,  even  into  His  ears."  I  felt 
assured  that  relief  would  come  in  a  way  that  I  knew 
not.  Early  next  morning,  I  shouldered  my  all,  and 
embarked  for  Philadelphia. 

One  entire  day  of  the  journey  was  occupied  with 
thoughts  about  what  would  come  next,  five  dollars 
of  my  little  stock  of  money  being  paid  for  my  fare, 
leaving  only  fifty-eight  cents  to  begin  life  with.  But 
I  must  grapple  with  the  prospect,  trusting  in  the  Lord. 
It  was  quite  late  in  the  night  when  we  arrived  at  the 
city  of  brotherly  love.  Once  more  I  am  on  strange 
ground,  now  after  dark  with  fifty-eight  cents  total  in 
my  pocket.  My  trunk  was  seized  by  a  man.  "  Fol- 
low me,"  and  he  led  on,  "  I'll  take  you  to  a  stopping 
place."  What  else  could  I  do?  After  a  short  walk 
he  left  me  for  the  night,  charging  me  thirty-seven 
cents  for  his  labor.  With  the  remaining  twenty-one 
cents  in  my  pocket,  I  fell  down  in  agony  before  my 
God,  and  then  attempted  to  obtain  rest,  but  I  could 
not  sleep.  I  soon  discovered  that  the  house  was  of  a 
dubious  character.  My  soul  was  wrought  up  to  the 
very  highest  pitch.      Everything  with  me  was  now 


MY   SELF-SELECTED   HOME.  257 

at  stake,  my  trunk,  my  life,  and  above  all,  my  Chris- 
tian name.  I  fell  on  my  knees  and  wept  out  my 
troubles  before  my  God.  Nor  did  I  pray  in  vain. 
While  I  was  yet  wrestling  the  Lord  heard  me ;  and 
blessed  be  His  name.  He  flew  to  my  deliverance  that 
very  night.  The  dread  of  begging  was  entirely  dis- 
sipated. I  felt  calm,  assured  that  the  Lord  had  not 
forsaken  me. 

Very  early  in  the  morning,  I  was  disposed  to  walk 
out ;  I  knew  not  why  nor  where.  Paying  the  wo- 
man twelve  cents  for  my  bed,  I  politely  asked  her  to 
take  care  of  my  trunk,  and  noting  well  the  location 
of  the  house,  with  nine  (9)  cents,  it  being  all  the 
money  I  had  in  the  world,  I  started  out  with  light 
heart  and  easy  step,  I  did  not  know  where  to  go, 
but  the  Lord  knew  where  to  direct  me,  and  He  di- 
rected me  to  a  sure  provision. 

The  city  was  not  yet  astir,  but  see  how  wonder- 
fully the  Lord  controls  man  in  His  own  behalf. 
"Walking  on  Market  Street,  I  noticed  the  sign  over 
a  store,  advertising  the  business  to  be,  manufacturing 
"  ladies'  furs  and  men's  caps."  Now,  although  my 
father  was  a  furrier,  yet  I  did  not  understand  the 
business,  having  never  made  a  cap  in  my  life.  Still 
something  said  to  me,  "You  will  succeed  there; 
don't  go  away;  wait  awhile ;  courage  !  "  I  waited  a 
long  time,  at  least  it  seemed  so,  and  feeling  was  my 
watch.  After  a  while,  however,  a  man  came  out  to 
open  the  shutters.  I  walked  up  to  him  and  inquired 
whether  a  man  was  wanted  here  as  journeyman. 
"  I  guess  so,"  audibly  thought  he,  "  the  boss  dis- 
charged a  jour  on  last  Saturday  night  for  getting 
17 


258  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

drunk ;  you  had  better  stay  and  see  the  bosB,  he'll  be 
along  after  awhile."  My  heart  leaped,  as  certain  of 
success.  I  waited  with  little  patience  until  half  past 
nine,  when  lo,  in  came  the  boss.  The  man  gave  me 
the  wink,  and  in  a  moment  I  was  at  his  side.  I 
made  my  business  known.  "  How  do  you  know  I 
w^ant  a  hand  ?  who  told  you  ?  "  I  related  to  him 
how  that  I  was  a  stranger.  The  short  of  it  is  this ; 
I  was  employed  at  once,  on  trial  until  Saturday 
night,  at  the  rate  of  eight  dollars  a  week,  and  if  I 
gave  satisfaction,  then  permanently.  Saturday  night 
duly  came.  I  had  given  entire  satisfaction,  and  was 
employed  at  good  wages.  God  helped  me  and  I  did 
w^ell.  Halleluj  ah  to  my  Almighty  Friend,  who  saved 
me  from  the  pangs  of  beggary,  and  even  want. 
Long  as  I  live,  I  remember  this  incident,  I  speak 
about  it,  I  cannot  forget  it :  my  heart  feels  grateful 
this  day  for  it,  and  I  feel  that  I  shall  bless  His  holy 
name  forever,  who  spared  me  from  begging  my 
bread.  And  now  that  I  am  old  and  poor  for  Christ's 
sake,  I  know  that  the  Lord  will  not  let  me  beg  my 
bread ;  yet  I  cannot  repeat  too  frequently,  "  Though 
He  slay  me  yet  will  I  trust  in  Him." 

After  one  week  I  began  to  feel  quite  settled  and 
independent.  With  a  calm  mind  and  happy  heart,  I 
felt  that  I  might  with  propriety  now  ofter  myself  to 
the  First  Baptist  Church  for  membership.  It  was 
then  under  the  pastorate  of  Rev.  William  Brantly, 
D.  D.,  of  blessed  memory.  Some  time  during  the 
following  year,  namely  1835,  the  Church  furnished 
me  with  a  letter  certifying  their  approbation  of  my 
character  and  design  to  prepare  myself  by  "  appro- 


MY   SELF-SELECTED   HOME.  259 

priate  studies"  to  enter  at  a  future  day  upon  the 
solemn  work  of  the  Christian  ministry.  Four  years 
later,  on  the  18th  of  December,  1839,  in  the  Baptist 
Church  at  Mount  Pleasant,  Westmoreland  County, 
Pa.,  I  was  full}^  ordained  to  the  sacred  office.  The 
Council  for  the  occasion  were.  Rev.  S.  Siegfried, 
Moderator,  Rev.  James  Estep,  Rev.  Milton  Sutton, 
and  Rev.  John  Thomas.  On  behalf  of  the  Church, 
part  was  taken  by  Deacon  A.  Shallenbarger  and 
Jonathan  iTewmyer. 


CHAPTEE  XXVn. 

WAY    NOTES. 

I  have  at  the  date  of  this  publication  arrived  at  the 
time  of  life  which  passes  sentence  on  childhood  and 
yt)uth,  that  they  "  are  vanity."  Kot,  however,  in 
dotage,  I  am  rather  notional.  A  few  days  ago,  I 
laid  down  my  pen,  having  "  finished'^  this  little  book: 
drawing  a  long  breath,  I  said,  good  bye,  severe  pen- 
ance of  writing  so  much  about  little  self;  I  will  put 
my  "  Poetical  Prophet"  in  order,  and  so  close.  But 
am  not  I  notional ;  or  do  I  simply  feel  the  force  of 
the  truth,  that  people  are  never  satisfied?  The  trite, 
true  adage,  "  The  more  we  have,  the  more  we  want," 
has  been  attested  whenever  I  have  told  my  Christian 
experience  to  a  congregation.  Great  as  may  be  the 
objection  to  long  sermons,  I  have  never  seen  impa- 
tience during  any  length  of  time  occupied  by  my 
narration ;  but  on  the  contrary,  am  constantly  beset 
by  questions.  ITow  I  assure  you,  modest  reader, 
that  I  would  rather  stand  fire  than  answer  all  these ; 
but  as  I  never  could  have  my  choice  in  the  matter, 
I  have  always  braced  myself  for  the  wretched  ordeal, 
put  on  as  pleasant  a  face  as  I  could  very  well  muster, 
and  await  the  issue.  Ah  me !  I  would  not  have 
long  to  wait :  on  it  comes.     The  ladies  are  smiling 


WAY  NOTES.  261 

SO  sweetly,  sometimes  ogling,  always  blushing ;  and 
their  twittering,  accompanied  by  a  few  inuendocs, 
half  expressed  and  temptingly  withdrawn,  all  ta- 
per off  into  the  culminating  point.  "  Elder  Davis," 
ventures  one  of  the  senior  ladies,  generally  the  mo- 
ther, "  Elder  Davis,  the  girls  here  want  to  know 
whether  finally  you  married  that  M.  ?  "  Then  fol- 
lows a  general  good-natured  laugh,  as  they  listen  to 
my  equally  good-natured,  repty.  Well  no,  I  didn't 
marry  her  at  all ;  you  see  that  "  man  proposes  but 
God  disposes,"  but  I  even  didn't  propose  after  I  lost 
all  my  property :  so  I  came  to  this  country,  and  in 
my  twenty-seventh  year  I  married  a  lady  in  Penn- 
sylvania. 

IS'ow,  my  notion  is  to  save  myself  further  tribula- 
tion of  such  loquacious  character,  and  yet  gratify  the 
reader's  curiosity  in  a  manner  as  philosophical  as 
Ben  Frankliiys  proposition  to  his  father  "  to  ask  one 
big  blessing  over  the  whole  beef  at  once,  and  thus 
save  the  trouble  of  asking  so  many  little  blessings 
over  small  pieces. 

I  had  been  in  Philadelphia  about  three  years, 
making  a  good  living  and  serving  the  Lord  as  well 
as  I  could,  by  preaching  Christ  without  human  en- 
dorsement, and  traveling  on  quite  easily,  indepen- 
dently of  my  relations.  Hitherto  I  had  not  written 
to  my  father,  as  I  resolved  to  bring  him,  if  possible, 
to  retlection  by  my  silence.  About  this  time,  how- 
ever, there  was  an  advertisement  for  me  in  one  of 
the  public  papers.     I  was  thus  informed  if  I  would 

call  on  Mr.  I.  I.,  at  No. street,  Philadelphia, 

I  should  hear  something  to  my  advantage.     I  obeyed 


262  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

the  summons,  and  found  a  Jewish  gentleman  whom 
I  knew  in  boyhood.  He  said  that  this  was  the 
evidence  of  my  father's  attachment  for  me,  and  then 
immediately  attempted  to  put  me  through  an  exam- 
ination, by  asking  more  questions  than  I  felt  willing 
to  answer.  I  did  not  like  his  manner,  and,  therefore, 
he  could  not  catch  me  asleep.  He  requested  me  to 
call  again,  but  did  not  say  what  he  wanted  me  for. 
As  I  was  then  quite  independent,  I  thought  it  inad- 
visable to  trouble  myself  further,  and  so  I  let  it  pass. 

A  few  months  after  this,  I  received  a  letter  from 
my  brother  in  London,  containing  no  point  of  public 
interest  whatever,  excepting  the  demand  that  my 
letters  must  be  directed  to  him^  and  that  I  must  be 
silent  about  religion.  His  very  immodest  words  are 
almost  sufficient  to  deter  me  from  giving  them  to  a 
Christian  public.  I  risk  the  exposure  as  disclosing 
modern  Judaism.  His  letter,  dated  London,  June 
16th,  1835,  is  at  present  before  me  to  substanti- 
ate all  I  write.  He  comments  thus,  "  You  ask  me, 
have  I  been  anxious  to  hear  from  you  ?  Yes !  and 
you  have,  as  on  every  other  occasion,  acted  in  so  ab- 
surd a  manner  that  all  my  energies  can  but  pronounce 
your  letter  a  posse  of  d — d  stuif  emanating  from  an 
unsound  mind,"  etc.  The  receipt  of  such  a  letter, 
in  reply  to  mine  which  affectionately  preached  Christ, 
so  disgusted  and  discouraged  me  that  I  did  not  write 
to  him  again  for  several  years. 

About  ten  years  after  this,  I  received  a  letter  from 
my  father  in  reply  to  one  from  me.  He  apologizes 
for  not  being  able  to  write  more  than  his  name,  on 
account  of  infirmities.     His  old  clerk,  the  miserable 


WAY    NOTES.  263 

infidel,  acted  as  his  amanuensis.  In  this  letter  he 
refers  me  to  the  time,  now  about  eight  years  ago, 
when  Mr.  I.  I.  was  in  America. 

He  says  that  he  felt  anxious  about  me,  and  that 
the  long  silence  has  been  my  own  fault.  This  I 
acknowledge,  and  the  reader  will  understand  my 
motive  after  reading  an  extract  from  his  letter. 
"  Kot  the  least  of  my  anxieties  has  been  caused  by 
your  secession  from  the  Holy  Eeligion  of  your  fath- 
ers, which  you  must  naturally  suppose  has  been  a 
source  of  grief  to  me  and  all  our  family.  Such  being 
the  case,  I  therefore  particularly  request  that  you 
will  in  future  abstain  from  making  any  comments  on 
religion.  You  have  thought  proper  to  forsake  the 
one  in  which  you  were  born,  and  in  which  all  your 
ancestors  have  lived  and  died,  and  as  you  cannot 
persuade  me  either  to  approve  of  the  step  or  to  imi- 
tate the  example,  it  will  be  much  better  not  to  rein- 
troduce the  subject  in  your  future  correspondence, 
particularl}^  as  a  recui-rence  to  it  will  be  most  painful 
to  my  feeUngs,  as  it  also  is  to  every  other  member 
of  the  family.  IS'o  arguments  on  your  part  will  in- 
duce any  of  us  to  forego  a  faith  which  has  through 
evil  report  and  good  report,  stood  the  test  of  ages, 
and  which  has  the  Scripture  for  its  foundation ;  there- 
fore let  all  future  correspondence  be  carried  on  with- 
out recurring  to  a  sul)jcct  upon  which  we  can  never 
agree,  and  which  is  only  annoying  to  all  our  feelings. 
Although  I  sincerely  deplore  your  apostacy  from  the 
religion  of  your  forefathers,  my  natural  feelings  as  a 
parent  will  always  cause  me  to  experience  the  liveli- 
est pleasure  in  hearing  of  your  welfare,  and  to  hope 


264  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

that  as  now  the  correspondence  has  commenced,  you 
will  not  fail  to  write  occasionally." — In  this  letter 
my  father  seems  to  talk  quite  conciliatorily.  He 
speaks  very  kindly  of  my  wife  and  children.  I  felt 
that  I  had  gained  my  point  in  establishing  my  inde- 
pendence for  Christ's  sake :  I  had  lived  without 
father's  help,  and  had  not  once  asked  for  bed  or 
bread.  I  could  therefore  afford  to  continue  a  corres- 
pondence. In  later  letters,  however,  I  was  again  ad- 
monished to  be  quiet  about  religion.  Ultimately, 
father  begs  leave  to  "  agree  to  disagree." 

Finding  myself  effectually  silenced  in  argument,  I 
had  no  future  resort  but  to  be  very  still-tongued 
about  religion.  Three  years  later,  in  1848,  I  am  in 
receipt  of  a  letter  from  my  father,  in  which  he  ac- 
knowledges the  receipt  of  my  family  group  in  da- 
guerreotype, and  promises  a  return  compliment.  In 
that  letter  I  am  made  the  happy  recipient  of  some 
very  choice  blessings  for  myself  and  family.  Such 
Christless  blessings,  however,  could  not  penetrate 
my  "  turned-coat : "  still  they  did  me  no  harm.  Let- 
ters continued  to  cross  the  ocean,  but  no  Christ 
was  in  them  all :  neither  was  I  permitted  even  to  re- 
vert to  religion  at  all.  At  one  time,  my  father  would 
inform  me  that  it  is  of  no  consequence  what  a  man's 
religion  consists  of;  at  another  time,  Judaism  alone 
was  scriptural :  but  I  never  received  from  home  a 
sivfjle  scripture  quotation.  At  the  same  time,  my 
maddened  brother  pronounced  my  letters  to  be  "  stuff 
emanating  out  of  an  unsound  mind."  Every  one  of 
my  letters  that  contained  the  most  distant  reference 
to  the  Christian  religion,  was  treated  with  the  same 


WAY   NOTES.  265 

insulting  disrespect  by  every  member  of  the  several 
families.  Thus  my  letters  were  driven  to  Christlcss- 
ncss  !  Apart  from  religion,  my  correspondence  with 
my  relations  was  pleasant,  so  much  so,  that  about 
this  time  I  received  large  daguerreotypes  of  my  elder 
sister  and  father,  and  subsequently  my  father  sent 
me  his  portrait,  taken  in  oil  colors. 

For  some  time  past  my  father's  health  had  been 
evidently  failing,  and  on  March  10th,  1851,  a  letter 
was  written  by  my  brother,  containing  the  infor- 
mation that  my  father  was  dying.  Soon  after, 
I  received  another  letter,  informing  me  that,  "  Your 
dear  father  ceased  to  exist  on  the  morning  of  Wed- 
nesday, March  the  26th,  at  nine  o'clock : "  and  on 
the  30th  of  April,  I  received  another  letter  from  my 
brother,  who  was  one  of  the  executors  of  the  will, 
favoring  me  with  a  quotation  therefrom.  It  ran 
thus :  "  I  will  and  bequeath  to  my  son  Jonas  A. 
Davis  the  sum  of  one  hundred  pounds — and  I  limit 
that  bequest  to  the  said  sum  of  one  hundred  pounds, 
only  because  he  displeased  me  during  my  life."  It 
further  states  that  "  the  bequest  of  the  one  hundred 
pounds  shall  be  demanded  in  person  or  by  writing 
duly  authenticated  by  affidavit,  within  the  space  of 
three  years  from  the  day  of  his  death :  otherwise  lie 
will  lose  all  claim  on  the  estate."  During  next 
month  another  letter  was  sent  West,  and  then  one 
more,  dated  June  23d,  again  informing  me  of  my 
legacy  and  as  before,  quoting  from  the  will,  "  he  hav- 
ing disobliged  me  during  my  life." 

Thus  it  appears  that  although  I  "displeased"  my 
dear  father,  and  "  disobliged  "  him  by  my  acceptance 


266  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

of  the  Messiah  as  my  Saviour,  he  did  leave  me  more 
than  "  a  shiUing."  I  had  no  reason  to  complain : 
there  awaited  my  acceptance  the  wonderful  sum  of 
$500. 

Hitherto  every  letter  I  received  was  affectionately 
addressed  to  me,  but  a  letter  written  on  September 
8th,  1851,  by  my  brother,  declared  that  a  persecu- 
ting spirit  still  existed.  When  I  left  home  in  1834, 
my  father's  second  family  was  increasing  rapidly. 
A  dear  little  half  brother  of  four  years  of  age  did 
not  understand  my  troubles.  For  some  years  past, 
he  had  been  in  JS'ew  York.  My  father,  who  in- 
formed me  of  the  fact,  requested  that  I  should  not 
try  to  convert  him  to  the  Christian  religion.  I  wrote 
to  him  in  'New  York,  but  received  no  reply.  But 
now,  my  father  being  dead,  I  ventured  to  write  to 
my  half  brother,  and  proposed  investigating  the  sub- 
ject of  religion.  I  soon  received  a  reply  in  this 
shape :  the  envelope  contained  my  letter  returned, 
and  inside  the  envelope  were  written  the  words,  by 
somebody  unknown  to  me,  "  No  further  communi- 
cation required."  I  felt  sorry  for  my  baby  brother. 
Toward  the  first  of  October,  I  received  another  letter 
from  my  brother,  in  London,  wdiich  explained  the 
whole  farce.     I  give  an  extract.     "  ^ly  dear  brother 

,  of  I^ew  York,  has  informed  me  that  he  had 

received  a  letter  from  you,  and  also  forwarded  ex- 
tracts from  the  same.  They  are  vile  and  hypocriti 
cal,  and  I  commend  him  for  the  way  he  served  3'Oui 
letter."  This  letter  addresses  me  with  simply  "  Sir." 
I  did  not  repl}^  to  the  insult,  but  a  very  serious  mat- 
ter of  talk  in  my  family  was  my  paying  a  visit  to  my 


WAY   NOTES.  267 

relations  in  England.  I  was  very  slow  about  decid- 
ing the  question.  My  wife,  however,  assisted  me  in 
this  affair  by  deciding  affirmatively,  pleading  that  I 
ought  to  see  my  relations  once  more.  Still  I  was 
slow  about  moving,  and  did  not  get  started  until  the 
21st  of  June,  1852. 

Although  at  this  time  my  family  were  well  provi- 
ded for  until  I  should,  in  the  providence  of  God, 
return  to  them,  still  when  the  hour  came  to  say, 
"  good  bye,"  I  repented  my  bargain.  Many  a  time 
counsel  had  been  asked  of  God.  [N'o  plain,  approv- 
ing indications  were  given  to  me.  There  were  mis- 
givings in  my  heart.  I  felt  oppressed  at  the  idea  of 
leaving  my  wife  and  two  small  children,  the  first- 
born a  daughter  then  in  her  thirteenth  year,  the 
second  a  son  in  his  eleventh  year.  But  it  is  decided 
I  must  go,  to  be  back  again  so  soon  as  possible.  My 
heart  palpitates;  time  is  up.  Once  more  on  our 
knees  :  "  Lord,  protect  them."  One  more  choking, 
good  bye  kiss — and  Fm  off.  Visions  of  that  cherub 
daughter,  standing  petrified  on  the  floor  with  eyes 
riveted  on  her  father  as  he  leaves  the  house,  haunted 
me,  followed  me,  never  left  me,  and  are  before  nie 
now. 

^ly  passage  is  paid,  I  am  actually  aboard,  I  feel 
like  a  weaned  child.  Sad  at  heart,  I  moan  ;  I  write 
a  hasty  note  to  send  home.  I  feel  crushed,  I  am 
miserable;  I  97^5/ return  home  again.  "Captain," 
sighed  some  one,  "  I  give  up  this  voyage;  Fm  going 
home  again.  Please  put  me  and  my  goods  ashore. 
I  don't  want  my  passage  money  refunded,  only  let 
me  go  off  the  ship."     Vain  pleading  !     The  tender 


268  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

hearts  of  the  "jolly  tars"  did  actually  sympathize 
with  me.  They  said  that  I  "  should  feel  better  in  an 
hour  or  two  after  we  had  left  the  shore."  I  yielded 
to  their  persuasion,  and  entered  the  cabin  with  the 
captain. 

We  are  off  now,  but  I  am  still  miserable.  Sea- 
sickness comes  to  my  relief,  but  I  am  none  the  bet- 
ter for  this,  save  that  for  the  time  I  cannot  think  of 
either  wife  or  child.  Let  me  die  ! — But  I  must  not, 
and  in  due  time  the  staunch  sailer  arrived  in  the 
London  docks. 

Ashore  again  in  my  native  land,  I  would  have 
given  worlds  to  fly  back  again  over  the  ocean  to 
America.  But  it  is  too  late  to  retreat  now.  I  must 
settle  down,  attend  to  business,  and  preach  Messiah. 
The  first  thing  was  a  letter  for  home.  The  next  was 
to  visit  at  a  prayer  meeting  in  the  Spencer  Place 
Church.  I  am  recognized  after  an  absence  of  eigh- 
teen years,  have  seen  my  old  pastor.  Rev.  Mr.  Pea- 
cock, and  some  of  the  older  members.  Bearing 
testimony  for  Jesus,  I  already  feel  at  home. 

M}^  next  business  was  to  go  see  my  brother.  He 
is  found  living  in  elegant  style  among  the  notables, 
at  the  West  end  of  the  city.  I  am  now  standing 
silent  before  him.  I  knew  him,  but  he  paused  a 
minute  to  recognize  me.  "  Jonas,"  and  we  were  in 
each  other's  arms.  We  soon  began  to  talk  over 
matters  in  amicable  spirit,  he  treating  me  well,  after 
a  fashion.  The  hospitalities  of  his  house  were 
not  tendered  me,  but  he  said  he  would  be  glad  to 
see  me  every  time  I  called.  I  was  found  to  be  quite 
ready  to  defend  my  religion,  but  he  requested  me  to 


WAY   NOTES.  269 

say  nothing  about  it.  So  I  yielded  to  very  superior 
argument  and  was  shut  off.  Nevertheless,  he  was 
kind  to  me,  and  assisted  me  in  reaching  other  mem- 
bers of  the  family.  I  found  that  the  estate  of  my 
father  was  not  yet  balanced ;  it  would  require  some 
farther  time.  I  was,  however,  received  as  a  minister 
of  Jesus  by  the  Christian  community,  and  thus  sus- 
tained. 

Finding  that  my  business  in  London  was  likely  to 
be  a  long  job,  I  immediately  wrote  to  my  wife  to 
break  up  house-keeping  and  come  to  me.     She  re- 
ceived my  letter  in  due  time,  and  out  of  time  a  letter 
came  for  me.      I  tremble.     But,  why  ?     My  heart 
misgives  me.     I  open  it.     O  God !  death  has  invaded 
my  home.     On  the  twenty-fifth  of  October,  1852,  my 
dear  little  daughter,  my  cherub,  first-born  died  !     On 
the  fourteenth  of  the  next  month,  my  afilicted  wife 
started  with  the  only  child,  and  he  just  taken  sick 
with  the  same  fever  that  killed  his  sister.     But  for 
the  merciful  providence  of  God,  she  had  not  in  safe- 
ty crossed  Lake  Erie.     The  boat  expected  at  Cleve- 
land, to  make  a  connection  for  Dunkirk,  was  late 
arriving.    In  consequence  of  the  unfinished  condition 
of  the  Lake  Shore  road,  my  wife  was  obliged  to  trav- 
el one  entire  day  by  stage.     The  boat  at  last  arrived, 
took  in  her  freight,  started  to  cross  the  lake,  but 
never  arrived  at  her  destination. — Arrivincr  in  !N^ew 
York,  she  took  passage  in  the  steamship  City  of 
Glasgow,  of  ill-fated  memory.      "Wlien  about  mid- 
ocean.  Captain  Wyley  was  aroused  one  night  by  the 
cry  of  "  fire."     He  was  a  Christian,  and  with  the  ut- 
most calmness  moved  about  noiselessly,  while  with 


270  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY, 

aunihilators  he  extinguished  the  fire,  the  passengers 
meanwhile  sleeping.  After  a  voyage  of  seventeen 
clays,  arrival  was  safely  effected  in  London.  This 
ship  returned  safely,  but  on  her  re-visit  to  the  Old 
World,  with  four  hundred  passengers  on  board  of 
her,  she  was  lost.  And  "no  man  knoweth"  her 
"sepulchre  to  this  day."  O  man,  "prepare  to  meet 
thy  God." 

'Now  we  are  all  together  once  more.  All  together  ? 
No,  no !  Our  commingled  groans  and  tears  but  too 
sadly  declared  that  our  first-born  was  dead.  She  sick- 
ened on  Thursday,  and  her  spirit  rose  to  the  Lord 
with  the  rising  sun  of  Monday.  "  He  giveth ;  He 
taketh :  He  doeth  all  things  well."  Many  days  and 
many  nights  listened  to  the  discussion  of  our  theme 
— our  dead  daughter ! ! !  After  I  left  home,  she  ap- 
peared to  take  the  supervision  of  her  father's  things. 
They  might  not  be  removed  from  the  corner  or  place 
where  "  father  left  them."  Hers  was  the  language 
of  mature  faith,  "  God  can  take  care  of  father  on  the 
sea  as  well  as  on  the  land."  And  many  a  childish 
petition  was  lifted  up  from  her  beautiful  heart,  by 
angel  hands  laid  carefully  on  the  wings  of  the  Spirit 
of  God,  and  thus  wafted  into  the  presence-chamber 
of  the  Eternal,  lisping,  breathing,  weeping,  "  O  Hea- 
venly Father,  take  care  of  my  father."  "When  she 
knew  that  scarlet  fever  would  kill  her,  she  said  in 
hope  as  well  as  resignation,  "  I  shall  see  my  Father 
in  heaven  before  I  see  my  earthly  father."  And 
when  she  felt  the  grasp  of  death,  she  gasped,  "  Jesus 
has  pardoned  all  my  sins — all  my  sins." 


WAY   NOTES.  271 

"There  is  no  death;  what  seems  so  is  transition: 
This  life  of  uiortiil  breath 
Is  like  a  suburb,  to  tlie  life  Elysian, 
Whose  portal  we  call  death. 

"She  is  not  dead,  the  child  of  our  affections, 
But  gone  into  that  school 
Where  she  no  longer  needs  our  poor  corrections, 
For  Christ  Himself  doth  rule." 

We  remained  in  England  about  eight  months  after 
my  wife  arrived,  our  hearts  all  the  time  yearning, 
longing,  and  praying  for  the  time  when  Ave  should 
return  to  the  United  States.  Law  work  in  England 
moves  slowly,  so  that  I  had  to  bide  my  time.  I 
could  have  borne  even  this  disappointment,  had  not 
a  far  greater  trouble  tormented  me.  My  relations 
would  not  see  my  wife,  because  she  w^as  not  a  Jew- 
ess. "  This  was  the  most  unkindest  cut  of  all."  I 
felt  sad  at  first,  as  I  review^ed  the  ground.  I  had 
told  all  about  my  wife's  troubles.  I  said,  Her  only 
daughter  died  after  three  days'  illness :  then  she 
herself  was  seized  by  the  same  fever  most  malig- 
nantly, so  that  she  could  not  move  on  the  day  of  her 
daughter's  funeral:  the  lone  cofiin  was  carried  on 
the  arms  of  friends  :  mother  w^as  not  there ;  father  was 
more  than  3500  miles  distant;  but  on  the  arms  of 
friendship  fraternal  the  little  son,  the  only  child,  was 
carried,  that  he  might  see  how  ruthlessly  the  grave 
can  separate  him  from  his  only,  his  precious  sister 
for  all  time  :  that  on  the  very  day  when  she  started 
to  travel,  the  little  boy  was  taken  sick,  and  continued 
ill  during  the  voyage :  that  she  endured  all  this 
alone,  and  finally,  by  the  mercy  of  Almighty,  reached 
me  in  safety. 


272  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

I  would  have  forgiven  tliem  ten  times,  aye  until 
seventy  times  seven,  for  all  the  wrongs  they  had 
heaped  upon  me,  if  only  they  had  taken  my  afflicted 
wife  into  their  affections.  Their  assistance  I  did  not 
need  in  any  form.  Christians  supplied  my  need, 
while  I  preached  Christ.  I  only  wanted  their  sym- 
pathy. Would  they  treat  my  wife  with  common 
humanity  ?  ISTo !  They  could  not,  they  would  not, 
they  did  not.  Alas !  she  ivas  not  a  Jewess.  I  argued 
with  them,  "  You  are  supported  by  the  Gentiles ; 
you  keep  company  with  them  when  you  make  mo- 
ney off  them — what  harm  then  can  my  Christian 
wife  do  you?"  l^o  matter,  they  did  not  see  her 
once,  because  she  was  a  Christian.  This  treatment 
amounted  to  nothing  less  than  insult  to  my  wife ; 
but  toward  me  personally  it  wore  the  phase  of  dis- 
gustingly ignorant  persecution.  I  concluded,  there- 
fore, that  my  brother,  who  took  the  trouble  to  send 
me  a  letter  across  the  ocean,  informing  me  that  I  am 
a  hypocrite — now  that  in  my  extreme  affliction  he 
acted  so  hypocritically  toward  me,  did  but  little 
credit  to  the  religion  he  professed,  and  was  unworthy 
of  my  friendship.  I  called  on  him  to  say,  good  bye, 
and  have  not  corresponded  with  him  since  our  re- 
turn to  the  United  States,  nearly  seventeen  years 
ago. 

My  younger  sister  lived  in  Dublin,  at  the  head  of 
a  noble  family.  Presently  I  received  a  letter  from 
her,  stating  that  her  house  was  full  of  company,  so 
that  she  could  not  then  entertain  me ;  "  but,"  said 
she,  "  come  after  the  fair."  Doubtless  my  sister 
meant  all  she  said :  I,  however,  felt  too  much  op- 


WAY  NOTES.  273 

pressed  by  such  ill-timed  treatment  to  move  out  of 
my  way.  I  did  not  visit  her,  but  on  the  fifth  of 
June,  1853,  we  took  passage  in  the  Tuscarora,  and 
after  a  rough  voyage  of  ^ve  weeks,  we  landed  in 
Philadelphia. 
18 


CHAPTEK 

THOMAS,    AND    I. 


At  this  point,  I  will  fulfil  my  promise,  and  write  a 
few  lines  about  "  the  boy  Thomas."  Several  years 
before  my  mention  of  him,  he  entered  father's  estab- 
lishment as  shop,  or  warehouse  boy.  (I  dare  not 
speak  about  his  aspirations,  because  these  are  almost 
wholly  unknown  to  a  poor  boy  in  England.)  Here 
he  was  doomed  to  serve  an  apprenticeship  and  learn 
nothing.  He  was  a  loquacious,  under-sized,  "  west 
country"  youth,  heavy  built,  and  rather  bow-legged. 
But,  uncomely  as  he  was,  he  surpassed  Shakspeare's 
"toad"  which  had  a  " precious  jewel  in  its  head." 
Thomas  had  one  in  his  heart :  he  was  honest.  As 
time  passed  on,  Thomas  evidently  learned  the 
Christian  law  of  progress,  "  Giving  all  diligence,  add 
to  your  faith  virtue,  and  to  virtue  knowledge,  and  to 
knowledge  temperance,  and  to  temperance  patience, 
and  to  patience  Godliness,  and  to  Godhness  brother- 
ly kindness,  and  to  brotherly  kindness  charity."  He 
was  always  spoken  of  as  a  "  good  boy,"  and  no  un- 
easiness was  ever  experienced  about  the  affairs  of  the 
house  if  Thomas  was  about.  My  father  well  knew 
that  he  received  far  more  than  an  equivalent  for  the 
miserable    pittance    he    paid  him.      Kobody  ever 


274 


275 

dreamed  that  it  was  the  power  of  the  Christian  reU- 
gion  which  made  Thomas  so  valuable  a  servant 

Surrounded  by  Jews,  he  could  not  so  well  speak 
of  the  Christian  religion.  This  would  not  be  for  a 
moment  tolerated  in  my  father's  establishment.  But 
his  general  behavior  was  so  exemplary,  that  it  re- 
quired but  few  words  from  Thomas  to  operate  as  a 
corrective  to  the  immoral  utterances  of  his  fellow 
employees  of  either  sex.  Poor  fellow !  how  those 
wicked  Gentiles  used  to  torment  him.  It  was  du- 
ring one  of  my  relaxations  from  school  duties,  that  I 
employed  my  leisure  time  (and  there  was  much  of  it) 
in  uniting  with  his  tormentors.  One  day  I  had 
drank  my  ale,  according  to  custom,  but  having  taken 
a  little  too  much — Tom,  taunted  I,  Tom,  I  say,  Tom ; 
Tom — ^you're  a  fool.  He  looked  sternly  at  me  and 
replied,  "  Master  Davis,  *  you  must  be  born  again.'  " 
Ha,  ha,  ha ;  born  again !  I  tell  you  you're  a  fool, 
and  if  you  talk  any  more  nonsense  to  me,  I'll  put 
your  head  into  that  dog-trough.  ]N'ow  be  it  known, 
that  said  Thomas  was  much  stouter  than  myself,  and 
could  have  given  me  a  sound  drubbing,  although  we 
were  about  the  same  age :  but  the  weapons  of  his 
warfare  were  not  carnal ;  in  fact  I  did  not  know  the 
secret  of  his  power — he  prayed  for  me.  Heedless  of 
consequences,  he  forthwith  repeated  the  declaration, 
"  *  You  must  be  born  again.'  "  I  must,  eh  ?  you 
fool ;  and  making  a  sudden  spring,  I  seized  him  by 
the  throat  and  threw  him,  his  head  striking  against 
the  dog-trough,  and  making  a  mess  generally.  My 
ale  worked  well !  We  were  on  our  feet  the  same 
instant.     I  thought  he  looked  angry.     I  expected  a 


276  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

flogging,  for  I  deserved  it,  and  he  could  have  accom- 
plished it.  Instead,  he  only  wiped  his  face,  i^ale 
with  emotion,  saying,  "  Master  Davis,  I  pray  for  you; 
I'll  tell  my  Heavenly  Father  of  you."  Here  I  grew 
devilish.  You  Christian  dog — ^you — ^you — .  But  he 
is  off.  I  howled  after  him,  Tom !  Tom !  you're  a 
fool. 

This,  with  much  more  like  it,  was  brought  to  my 
mind  after  the  scene  narrated  in  my  history.  But 
now  I  am  in  London :  I  have  my  wife  by  my  side : 
we  are  walking,  having  resorted  to  this  expedient  to 
relieve  our  minds.  I  point  to  the  house  of  my  birth, 
the  house  of  my  first  prayers,  and  the  spot  of  ground 
whereon  I  stood,  to  receive  my  father's  curse,  coun- 
teracted, however,  by  angel's  songs  and  God's  bless- 
ings. We  go  to  visit  Thomas,  whom  I  found  in  the 
city.  Father's  old  place  of  business  had  passed  into 
other  hands,  still  I  found  many  there  who  respected 
his  memory.  Some  time  before  I  engaged  to  preach 
a  few  months  for  a  country  church,  I  held  service 
every  Lord's  day  in  London,  and  Thomas  was  a  con- 
stant hearer 

It  is  the  history  of  conversion  that  forms  the  focus 
of  a  life.  This  you  have,  with  antecedents  and  con- 
sequences. The  routine  of  an  humble  pastorate  or 
two,  could  but  show  a  plain  and  matter  of  fact  out- 
working of  those  new-found  principles  already  boldly 
sketched. 

I  In  hastening  these  pages  to  a  close,  I  do  not  doubt 
that  I  have  exhausted  my  reader's  patience,  while 
leading  him  through  the  various  meanderings  of  my 
Christian  experience.     Faithfully  have  I  endeavored 


THOMAS,   AND   I.  277 

to  unfold  the  providences  of  my  God  in  bringing  me, 
a  poor  lost  rebel,  to  the  glorious  light  of  the  Gospel 
of  Jesus.  Wliether  the  reader  believes  these  details 
or  not,  "  one  thing  I  know,  that  whereas  I  was  blind, 
now  I  see."  And  during  the  interval  of  thirty-four 
years,  I  have  not  once  felt  gloomy  on  account  of  my 
religion.  I  do  not  know  what  regret  means.  Thus 
far  the  Lord  hath  brought  me,  and  I  will  trust  Him 
for  the  future. 

What  now  "  think  ye  of  Christ  ?  "  Soon,  alas,  too 
soon,  my  unregenerated  reader  ■v\dll  be  summoned  to 
His  eternal  bar.  0  Israel,  why  did  you  crucify  your 
King?  You  must  see  Him,  to  know  Him.  You 
will  look  upon  Him  whom  you  have  pierced,  (for 
"they  (Israel)  pierced  my  (Messiah's)  hands  and 
feet : ")  and  wail  for  anguish  of  heart,  for  your  de- 
struction will  then  have  come !  O,  fly  to  your  own 
Shiloh.     In  Him  alone  you  may  find  eternal  life. 

And  dear  Gentile  reader,  why  dost  thou  reject  the 
blessed  Jesus  ?  Has  not  He  sufiered  and  died  for 
you  also  ?  What  more  can  be  done  ?  "  How  shall 
we  escape  if  we  neglect  so  great  salvation  ?  "  Stop, 
traveler,  think,  oh  think  of  the  day,  the  dark  and 
fiery  day,  the  great  day  of  revelation  that  will  burn 
as  an  oven.  It  will  destroy  your  expectation  as 
stubble ! 

Jesus,  blessed  Saviour,  thou  hast  saved  me ;  now 
hear  me,  precious  Redeemer,  stretch  forth  Thy  hand 
and  save  each  unchristian  reader. 

But  child  of  grace,  let  us  rejoice  together,  for  He 
hath  both  wounded  and  healed  us.  Soon,  very  soon 
we  shall  behold  Him  in  glory.     Even  now  we  are 


278  AUTO-BIOGRAPHY. 

freed  from  the  horrible  pit,  and  never  will  He  suf- 
fer us  to  fall  into  it  again.  Then  with  our  go- 
ings established,  and  our  feet  upon  the  rock,  let  us 
travel  on  together,  singing  the  new  song,  and  "  look- 
ing unto  Jesus,  the  one  Messiah." 


TIIE   POETICAL   PEOPIIET. 


Gen.  49 :  10.  The  Sceptre  shall  be  Judah's  boon  John  11 :  48, 

Till  the  Messiah  rise,  Joha  11:  52. 

Ps.  68 :  18.  "With  men  the  Lord  will  then  commune ;  Ac.  1 :  9. 

Isa.  11: 1.                From  David  forth  He  hies.  Mat.  1: 17. 

Isa.  7 :  14.  Conceived  by  spotless  virgin  maid,  Lk.  1 :  27. 

Mic.  5:2.                  In  Bethlehem  brought  forth,  Lk.  2 :  15. 

Ps.  72 :  10.  By  kings  is  homage  to  Him^  paid  Mat.  2 :  8. 

Isa.  60:  6.                And  gathered  nations'  worth.  Mat.  2: 11. 

Jer.  81: 15.  For  Him  graves  cradle  infant  bloom,  Mat.  2: 16. 

Hos.  11: 1.               While  Egyptward  He  hastes;  Mat.  2: 14. 

Mai.  3:1.  A  messenger  for  Him  makes  room  Lk.  3 :  4. 

Isa.  40:  3.                 And  gladdening,  threads  drear  wastes.  Mk.  1 :  2. 

Isa.  53:  7.  The  perfect  Lamb  of  God  is  He,  John  1 :  36. 

Isa.  35:  5.                 By  whom  are  wonders  wrought—  Lk.  7:  14. 

Isa.  29: 18.  The  deaf  shall  hear,  the  blind  shall  see :  Mat.  11 :  5. 

Isa.  12:  2.                 God  comes  to  save  unsought.  Lk.  2:  30. 

Jer.  16:16  Poor  fishermen  to  serve  Him  vie;  Mat.  10: 1. 

Isa.  6:9."                 In  parables  He'll  teach;  Mat.  13: 34. 

Ps.  68: 27.  Capernaum  and  Naphtali  Mat.  4 :  13. 

Isa.  9: 1.                  With  Zebul'n  hear  Him  preach.  Mat.  4: 15. 

Joel  2:  26.  Might  from  His  hand  bread  multiplies  :  Mat.  15 :  33. 

Zech.  9:  9.  ,              His  triumph's  humbly  borne:  Mk.  11:  7. 

Ps.  2:  2.  Against  Him  kings  and  rulers  rise  Mk.  15:  1. 

Isa.  53:  5.                 Down  pouring  sin  and  scorn.  Mat.  27 :  oo. 

Isa.  53: 10.  For  us  will  He  be  bruised  and  die;  Mat.  27:  20. 

Zech.  13 :  7.              Dispersed  His  bleating  flock :  Alut.  20 :  56. 

Dan.  9:  24.  Both  time  and  place  foretold  we  spy,  Mat.  ! :  ]7. 

Ps.  109 :  6.                And  Judah's  treacherous  shock.  Mk.  14 :  43, 

279 


280 


THE   POETICAL   PROPHET. 


Zech.  11 :  12.  For  thirty  silver  pieces  sold,  Mat.  26 :  15. 

Ps.  27: 12.                False  witnesses  accuse;  Mat.  26: 59. 

Isa.  53:  5.  They  buffet  Him,  they  taunt,  blindfold,  Lk.  22:  64. 

Isa.  50 :  6.               And  spitting,  much  abuse.  Mat.  27 :  30. 

Ps.  27:  2.  The  wicked  now  the  just  surround:  Mat.  27:  27. 

Isa.  53:  5.                Stripes  wound  His  flesh  and  tear:  Mat.  27:  26. 

Lam.  3: 14.  Scorn  and  derision  past  all  bound,  Mat.  27:  41. 

With  bitterness  He'll  bear.  Mat.  27 :  44. 

Isa.  53 :  12.  His  name  with  trespassers  enroll ;  Mk.  15 :  28. 

Ex.  32: 32.               For  such  He'll  intercede:  Lk.  23: 34. 

Numb.  21 :  8,  As  brazen  serpent  on  the  pole  Jolm  3 :  14. 

They  set  Him  up  with  speed.  Mat.  27 :  35. 

Ps.  22: 16.  His  hands  and  feet  pierced  by  the  nail,  John  19: 18. 

Numb.  9 :  12.            A  bone  they  shall  not  break :  John  19:  33. 

Ps.  22:  7.  With  wagging  heads  they  at  Him  rail,  Mat.  27:  39. 

Ps.  22:  18.                His  clothes  by  lot  they  take.  John  19 :  23. 


Isa.  53:  8.  They  put  to  death  the  Prince  of  life,  Lk.  23:  33. 

Ps.  16: 10.  But  death  He'll  vanquish  quite,  John  20: 19. 

Isa.  25:  8  In  triumph  rising  o'er  earth's  strife,  John  20: 14. 

Isa.  9:  7.  Possessed  of  untold  might.  Mat.  28 :  18. 


APPENDIX. 


LICEITSE  TO  PREACH. 

The  Regular  Baptist    Church  of  Christ,  at  Mount 
Pleasant,  Westmoreland  County,  Pennsylvania, 

To  All  Whom  it  May  Concern: 

Whereas,  Our  esteemed  brother,  Jonas  Abraham 
'Davis,  formerly  a  member  of  the  First  Baptist 
Church  of  the  City  of  Philadelphia,  was  by  the  said 
Church,  in  December,  A.  D.  1835,  furnished  with  a 
letter  certifying  their  approbation  of  his  character 
and  design  to  prepare  himself  by  appropriate  studies 
"  to  enter  at  a  future  day  upon  the  solemn  work  of 
the  Christian  Ministry ; "  and. 

Whereas,  The  said  Brother  Davis  has  since  united 
with  us,  and  been  encouraged  to  exercise  his  gifts  in 
preaching  the  Gospel,  and  has  given  comfortable 
evidence  of  the  possession  of  piety,  character,  and 
talents  fitting  him,  in  a  good  degree,  to  enter  more 
fully  into  the  work  of  a  Gospel  Minister : 

We  Hereby  Certify  that  the  aforesaid  brother,  Jo- 
nas Abraham  Davis,  has  received  from  us  a  full  license 
to  go  forth  as  a  Minister  of  the  Gospel,  of  the  Regu- 

281 


282  APPENDIX. 

lar  Baptist  Denomination,  to  preacli  the  word  of 
eternal  life,  wherever  God,  in  His  providence,  may 
call  him ;  and  we  commend  him  to  the  fellowship  of 
the  brethren,  and  to  the  confidence  and  esteem  of  all 
among  whom  he  may  labor  or  travel  in  the  Master's 
service.  Our  prayer  is  that  he  may  become  an  able 
Minister  of  the  'New  Testament,  and  be  blessed  as  an 
instrument  in  the  building  up  of  believers  in  their 
most  holy  faith,  and  in  turning  many  to  righteous- 
ness. 

Voted,  at  our  stated  meeting  for  business,  May 
11th,  A.  D.,  1839. 

Simeon  Siegfried,  Pastor, 

Attest : 
A.  Shallenberger,  )  j^  ^^_,„ , 

JONA.   J^EWMYER,       7^^^^^^^^-. 


CERTIFICATE  OF  ORDrN'ATIO:^". 

This  is  to  Certify,  that  at  the  request  of,  and  m 
connection  with,  the  Regular  Baptist  Church  of 
Jesus  Christ,  at  Mount  Pleasant,  Westmoreland 
County,  Pennsylvania,  on  the  eighteenth  day  of  De- 
cember, A.  D.,  eighteen  hundred  and  thirty-nine,  the 
bearer  hereof,  Jonas  Abraham  Davis,  was  by  us  reg- 
ularly ordained  and  set  apart  to  the  office  of  a  Gospel 
Minister,  of  the  Regular  Baptist  Denomination ;  and 
we  do  hereby  recommend  him  as  a  regular,  sound, 
and  faithful  Minister  of  the  Gospel,  to  the  attention, 


APPENDIX.  283 

fellowship,  and  Cliristian  love  of  all  the  Churches  of 
our  denomination  in  particular;  to  the  notice  and 
respect  of  all  Ministers  and  other  Christians  of  other 
denominations ;  and  to  the  respectful  acceptance  of 
mankind  in  general ;  hoping  that  he  will  he  kindly 
received,  and  hlessed  hy  God  in  his  lahors,  wherever, 
in  Divine  Providence,  his  lot  may  he  cast. 
Given  under  our  hands,  the  date  aforesaid. 

S.  SIEGFRIED,  Moderator, 

James  Estep,      "j 
Milton  Sutton,  V  Council. 
John  Thomas,    J 

On  behalf  of  the  Church, 


A.  Shallenberger,1_p 
JoNA.  IsTewmyeR;       J 


1    '    '.v^V'^.MVs'Atf'^ 


Princeton  Theological  Seminary-Speer  Library 


1    1012  01042  8367 


